Chapter Twenty-Three
“Good evening, Ilya,” Scott said. He was standing opposite Rozanov at the face-off circle, ready for the first puck drop of the game.
“Don’t worry, old man,” Rozanov said with a grin, “I know you must be getting tired. I’ll make sure you lose so you can get started on your summer vacation.”
“My only summer plans involve a Stanley Cup parade.”
They bent for the face-off, and Scott winked at him.
Scott won the face-off.
He had two good reasons to win this game.
Obviously, he wanted to win the series and move on to the next round of the playoffs, but winning tonight would also give him a couple of days off here in New York.
And he wanted to use some of that time to fix whatever the hell was going on between him and Kip.
He could see Kip sitting in his usual seat. That was comforting. Scott wasn’t sure what seeing that seat empty would have done to him, psychologically. He was already struggling to stay focused.
He would win this game. He would talk to Kip. He would go on to the next round clearheaded. He would win that round, and the next round, and he would finally, finally lift that cup over his head.
* * *
When Scott got home after the game, Kip wasn’t there. It was the second night in a row. Something was definitely wrong.
He sent Kip a text. Will I see you tonight?
The answer took a few minutes. No. Sorry. I’m just really tired.
Fuck.
I think you are mad at me, Scott wrote.
He watched the three little dots flicker on his screen for what seemed like an eternity. Then, Can we talk? Tomorrow?
Yes. Come over here as soon as you can tomorrow. Ok?
Ok.
Scott sat down hard on his bed. He felt sick. And a little angry. What the hell had he done to deserve this cold shoulder?
He guessed he would find out tomorrow.
* * *
Kip took a deep breath and opened Scott’s apartment door. “Hello?” he called out.
Scott appeared immediately. He was dressed in cozy sweats. His beard was really full now, making him look rugged and gorgeous. Kip set the backpack that he had optimistically brought with him on the floor.
“Hi,” Scott said shyly.
“Hi. Congratulations. That was a great game.” Kip sounded as awkward as he felt.
“Thanks. I’m glad you were there.”
Kip nodded, not sure what to do or say.
Scott stepped closer. “Can I kiss you?” he asked. “I feel like I need to ask you now, and I don’t know why that is, but…can I?”
Kip exhaled, trying to relax his nerves. “Yes. Of course.”
Scott smiled and closed the distance between them. He held Kip’s face for a moment, gazing at him with sad eyes, before he brushed his lips against Kip’s. The beard tickled Kip’s face, and he sighed and deepened the kiss. It felt so good.
When they broke apart, Scott said, “We should talk, I guess.”
“Yeah. I think we should.”
They went to the couch, and Kip sat and stared at his folded hands.
“I feel like I’ve done something wrong,” Scott started. “Being with someone is new for me and I’m pretty sure I’m screwing it up. But I can’t figure out exactly what I’ve done, so I was hoping you could tell me.”
Kip turned quickly to face him. “You haven’t done anything,” he said honestly. “I can’t even put my finger on why I’ve been so…upset. I just…”
“Please,” Scott said. “Give me something.”
“All right…” Kip said slowly. “I don’t like lying to my friends and family, or hiding my relationship with you. This…” He gestured between them. “Us. It’s the biggest thing in my life. It’s…the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I have to keep it a secret.”
“I know. And I’ve told you—”
Kip held up a hand. Scott stopped talking.
“This isn’t how relationships are supposed to work. This is how…affairs work. Dirty secrets. I’m not ashamed of you. At all. And I’m not ashamed of me. I’ve never been ashamed of myself, and I’ve been out since I was eighteen.”
Scott bit his lip. “I’ve been honest with you this whole time. I wanted to make sure you knew what you were getting into.”
“I did. I do. But I also know this isn’t how I want this relationship to be. I don’t want to be your secret. But… I’m worried, that if I push you—if I pressure you to come out and be honest about us, or at least about you—that you’ll realize I’m not worth the hassle.”
Scott looked like Kip had gut-punched him. “God,” he said in a tiny voice. “No, Kip. No, I would never think that!”
“Being with you has been amazing, but it’s also…lonely. And…” Kip swallowed. He needed to get this next part out. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”
Scott looked at him pleadingly. “I know I’m being selfish, asking you to keep this secret. I’m so sorry for that. But I’m also protecting you. I don’t think you realize how much your life would change if this got out.”
“My life has already changed. And not only in a good way, Scott. I feel like I’ve been shoved back into the closet. It’s not you being famous or whatever that’s making this hard for me. I’ve never been with someone who is ashamed of who they are.”
“I’m not ashamed!” Scott argued.
Kip folded his arms and gave him a pointed look.
“I’m not!” Scott said. “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me.
With being…gay. I definitely don’t think there’s anything wrong with being in love with you.
But my life has very little to do with what I think.
There’s a lot of responsibility on my shoulders.
I represent something important to a lot of people. ”
“And you can’t do that and also be gay?”
“Not according to most of them, no.”
“So show them that they’re wrong!” Kip said it way too loudly. His voice bounced off the walls of Scott’s condo.
He thought Scott would yell at him, but instead he seemed to deflate. “I just don’t… Our time together has mostly been away from all of that. It’s been…nice.”
“An escape, you mean?”
“No! I’ve already told you that’s not what—You’re a part of my life. Not a distraction from it. Never, Kip. I promise.”
“But I am separate from the rest of your life,” Kip argued, “and worse than that, you’re hiding who you are.”
“I have to.”
“Do you?” Kip demanded. “Are you sure? What’s the worst that could happen?”
“I can’t! Not now. The playoffs…”
Kip took a breath. “I’m not asking you to do anything right now, but you need to start to think seriously about coming out. Or at least not hiding. You don’t have to make a grand statement.”
Scott’s posture stiffened. “Do you have any idea how huge the media circus would be if I came out? If people knew I was dating you?”
Kip shrugged. “So your plan is to keep this a secret forever?”
“No.”
“Or until you realize you’re way out of my league and move on?”
“Kip—”
“You just expect me to hide out in your apartment until you need me?”
“No!” Scott said. He was angry now. He stood up. “I can’t believe you’re even suggesting any of this! Have I treated you badly? Have I not shown you how much you mean to me?”
“I can’t mean that much to you. You’re obviously embarrassed to be with me.”
Kip knew he should not have said this the moment the words left his lips. But instead of backing down or apologizing, he glared at Scott and crossed his arms, waiting.
“Is that really what you think?” Scott asked. His voice was quiet, but there was rage and hurt in it. “That I’m embarrassed to be seen with you? You know that’s not it.”
“I don’t know anything, Scott! I just wait here. In your penthouse.” He swept a hand across the spacious living room for emphasis. “I hole up here alone and imagine what it would be like to be able to go on normal dates with you, or to, I don’t know, tell my parents that I have a boyfriend!”
“Tell them!” Scott yelled. He threw up his hands. “Fuck, tell the whole world, Kip! I guess you know what’s best!”
“I know this isn’t who I am!”
“Do you know who I am? I don’t get to just be Scott from Rochester, all right? I’ve been a fucking commodity since I was a teenager. I’ve been a brand for almost as long. I don’t have the luxury of just being me. I can’t make decisions about my life independently. People depend on me!”
“Right. Don’t want your brand to suffer. Don’t want to tarnish it with your gayness.”
Scott snorted. “You have no fucking idea, Kip. None.”
“I guess not,” Kip said tightly.
“It’s the playoffs. I don’t know if you get how big a deal that is. I’ve got a team—a city—depending on me. It’s everything to me, all right?”
The sting of tears finally hit Kip’s eyes. He nodded and clenched his jaw. Everything.
“I’m gonna go,” he managed to say.
Scott reached out a hand like he was going to stop him, but instead he dropped his arm, nodded, and said, “Fine.”
Kip picked up his backpack and left.