Chapter 3
∞∞∞
Meryl
The next few days felt like they blended together. I woke up at the same time, logged on for work, forgot to stretch, took long hot showers for my aching back, and all day I looked forward to getting online and playing with my new friends. It was nice to be on a team again. We’d chatted on and off a little, just over in-game text, and it was fun. I’d revisited a couple more games I hadn’t played in awhile and I”d even tried a new one.
It was more or less the same routine I’d already had, but it felt different somehow. I woke up in a better mood, I sang softly in the shower, and I walked the long way to pick up my dinners. It was a good different.
I felt less alone. I hadn’t even realized I’d been lonely. On some level, I’d felt the monotony and isolation getting to me, but I hadn’t acknowledged it. I liked denial, it was kind of my thing. I was all too aware of it now though, and I wasn’t going back.
It was Saturday today and I was off of work until Tuesday. I had plenty of time to continue working on some good habits and to also enjoy a long day of games with my friends. I slept in and actually took a few minutes to stretch out my back properly before I had breakfast and settled into my desk chair to get online.
I checked my friends list and saw that one of my new friends was already online and playing a solo strategy game. I didn’t want to disturb them so I scrolled through my library of games and opened something else, but they messaged me before it had even loaded.
“Duos in five?” he asked over chat. His screen name was ClassicFinntastic and he’d been one of the ones I was hoping to find online today. I liked the way he made just the right jokes at just the right times.
“Hell yeah,” I typed back. I smiled to myself and went to make a cup of coffee since I had a few minutes. When I returned, I had an invite waiting for me already. I clicked accept and the game opened with us both in a party together.
“You’re up early,” my teammate observed. He was right. I checked the time and realized that I hadn’t slept in as much as I’d thought.
“You too,” I sent back.
“Couldn’t sleep,” he said. Then the game was starting and we were too immersed to be able to type much more. I sipped coffee between levels and we worked together to try to make it to the end. We were pretty good.
“Discord?” he asked me after a couple of rounds and I considered it. I liked playing with this guy and his friends. I’d missed the easy camaraderie. But people sucked. I didn’t think they would stop playing with me if I revealed I was a girl, but things could change.
I hesitated, but then I thought to myself that if they were actually like that then I didn’t want to play with them anyway. It was better to know now what kind of people I”d been playing with lately.
“Sure,” I sent back before I changed my mind. It could be fine. Even if it wasn’t fine and turned out to be a disaster, then that’d be okay too. I’d be okay. We weren’t real friends and I could always find more people to play with. If I put in the effort anyway. There wasn”t much at risk for me.
Still, nervous butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I wanted it to go well. I wanted to be myself and I wanted to be accepted. They already liked me, so far, but they didn’t really know me. I joined the server and turned on my microphone.
“Hey, how’s it going?” ClassicFinntastic said. He had a nice voice. It was quiet and calm, a little deeper than I”d imagined. His words rumbled out husky and dry, like he hadn”t yet used his voice this morning. I was unexpectedly a little turned on by it.
“Good, you?” I said, trying to sound nonchalant and casual. I failed. I could tell I sounded a little throaty and nervous. There was a pause on his end before he spoke again.
“I should’ve guessed. RylMeIn? Such a girl name,” he chuckled and my cheeks heated from embarrassment.
“What? It is not,” I sputtered defensively. I was wrong about this guy. He was stupid. So stupid.
“What’s your actual name?” he asked, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell him. RylMeIn was not a girl name. It was a fishing pun for fuck’s sake. Ridiculous.
“What’s yours? Finn?” I sneered instead and leaned back in my chair to cross my arms over my chest.
“Yeah,” he laughed and confirmed my guess. It caught me off guard a little.
“I’m Meryl,” I told him. The initial anger and defensiveness I’d felt faded away.
“Ah, I wouldn’t have guessed that, though I see it now. That’s clever,” Finn praised and I perked up. Maybe this would work out just fine. He hadn’t turned creepy or made a sexist joke yet. It was a good sign.
“Thanks.” I responded flatly and waited to see what he would say next.
“What level do you want to do?” he asked.
“Oh uh, three?” I chose quickly, but I was grinning like an idiot. I was glad he couldn’t see me. It was such a relief. I’d been completely tense for the past few minutes. Now all of that anxiety seemed unwarranted.
“Nice, I’m readied up,” he told me, but I’d already seen the icon. He hadn’t made a big fuss about me being a girl and he was still going to play with me. That felt good to me and I was hopeful again.
“Ready,” I said, my tone changing to serious and determined. We played several rounds before the other guys joined us. They were also surprised by my voice and made a couple of decent jokes before getting into the game.
The one with the screen name ‘MydadsRgay?’ introduced himself as Wade and ‘SirDrinksAlot’ was called Saz. They were witty and excellent teammates.It was a rare combo and I appreciated their candor and sass. The morning flew by in no time as I played and laughed with them like we”d been friends forever.
“So what do you look like Mer?” Wade asked me sometime around midafternoon. I’d been expecting this question a lot earlier in the morning. I was asked this a lot when I played with guys. I was a little sick of it and we’d been having such a good time. Now my mood soured a little. And I was hungry. Not a good combination for me.
“What do you look like?” I shot back at him instead of answering.
“The man of your dreams,” he said cheekily. I scoffed and stretched my shoulders out. I’d been hunched here in my chair for too long, I could feel it. It”d been hours and I should”ve noticed the oncoming stiffness, but I”d been having too much fun.
“Then I’m the woman from your nightmares,” I muttered and they all laughed.
“So you look just like Saz’s mom then?” Finn chimed in.
“You’re an idiot,” Saz sighed like he was used to this. He probably was.
“He is. Saz’s mom is hot,” Wade commented with some kind of growl and I laughed. Then he added, “What’s your last name then?”
“Gonna google me?” I guessed easily. It wasn”t hard to decipher his intentions.
“What a good idea! Last name?” Wade continued brightly and the others groaned.
“It’s Sazmom, Meryl Sazmom,” I declared quickly. No way was I giving him my real name so he could look me up on social media. I didn’t use it much, but the idea still rubbed me the wrong way. No thanks. Wanting to be friends on social media? Yeah, I probably would’ve gone for that. But using it just to see what I looked like? Nah.
“Oh god, if only,” Finn replied to my fake last name. That would’ve been a pretty good coincidence if it was my real last name. Then I’d be telling the truth and none of them would realize it. Unfortunately, it was just an on-the-spot joke.
“You should change your name to that right now,” Wade insisted.
“It’s a strong name,” Saz agreed seriously.
“It’s a family name, there’s generations of Sazmoms all over the world,” I insisted incredulously.
“Mmhmm,” Saz agreed but the teasing lessened as we entered a new area in the game and things became more intense. The final few minutes had us all screaming. This game was very different from the one we”d started with. It was team-based first person shooter.
“My controller!” Wade yelled as his character stopped moving. His controller seemed to disconnect or die more often than anyone else’s. I didn’t understand why.
“Just get a wired one!” Finn snarled.
“I ordered one but it’s not here yet!” Wade defended. We could hear the desperation in his voice as he scrambled to fix it.
“You always say that!” Saz snapped at him angrily. We were vulnerable without him.
“Well, this time it’s true,” Wade insisted. We could hear him scrambling in the background.
“I sent you a wired one for your birthday last year. Where is that one?” Saz griped exasperatedly.
“I’m dead,” Wade deflected. It was true. Another team must have been close enough to be watching us and noticed Wade”s character suddenly freezing. A veteran player would know that meant lag, disconnection, or controller failure.
“We noticed,” I muttered. Maybe I could pretend freeze next time to try to trap someone.
“Get new batteries and we’ll try to revive you,” Finn sighed. The rest of us had retreated, but it was possible to bring Wade back if we could stay alive long enough and make it to a specific spot.
“Be right back, you guys better rez me,” Wade instructed, but our team was wiped out before he even got back to his computer. Wade was quick, but our enemies were quicker and I set my controller down with a huff.
“I need a break,” I told them and they all agreed. It was time for me to eat something and stretch out mystrained body.
“I need your number, Meryl. I’ll add you to the group chat to let you know when we can get online,” Finn explained.
“Okay, yeah,” I nodded to myself and sent him my number over private message. My phone vibrated a few seconds later.
‘Hey, this Finn’ he said. Then I got a notification that I’d been added to a group chat named Dude Crew.
‘Really? Dude Crew?’ I sent them all. Wade and Saz quickly gave away which number was theirs. Saz defended the name with a rational explanation and Wade made a crude joke about it. It was easy for me to tell them apart now.
I took my phone with me to the kitchen and put on some coffee. When I checked it again, the chat had been renamed to WadeAnon, then renamed again to Idiots. I liked that one.
Then I got another message from Finn. I put a pot of water on the stove to boil and opened it while I waited.
‘Just wanted to say thanks for joining the team and putting up with our dumb jokes,’ he’d sent me and only me. I leaned against the kitchen counter and thought about what to send back.
‘What dumb jokes?’ I replied and he sent me a laughing emoji.
‘What are you doing today?’ he continued. Finn was interested in my life? My boring life? I was curious about him too, about all of them. They were good people. So far. My new friends.
Finn and I texted back and forth while I made my lunch and I forced myself to do a couple of chores around the apartment. I wanted to sit and watch tv and text him for the rest of the day, but I’d already been sitting at my computer all morning, so I wanted to move around a bit before I let myself get lost on the couch.
Finn was much as I’d expected from talking to him online. He was clever and blunt, maybe a little too honest for his own good. I liked that. We kept it light and he never asked me anything creepy or too personal. It was easy to talk to him and I liked that I had a voice to go with his messages now.
Finn and I kept texting for the rest of the week. Suddenly there was something else shaking up my routine again. I smiled a lot, kept my phone close, started working out again, and I texted with Finn. A lot. He’d send me a few messages throughout the day and then we would message back and forth for a long time at night after getting offline from playing games together with the others.
We exchanged dumb jokes and got to know each other a little more. He told me about his job and how he’d been wanting to make some changes. Just like me.
We were similar in a lot of ways and I felt a kindred longing in him that echoed deep inside of me.