Chapter 33
thirty-three
. . .
Bex
It feels weird to watch my brother play and not wear his number. But now that I’m a Grizzlies staff member, I can’t in good conscience wear another team’s jersey. And now that I’m dating Nick, it feels wrong to wear another man’s number. Even if it is my brother.
I don’t know what I’m going to do for the game tonight. I’m off duty—Annaliese is the home concussion spotter—but I still want to watch the game. Want to cheer on my brother… and my boyfriend.
Life would be so much easier if they played on the same team. Their tentative truce probably wouldn’t survive it, though. My brother’s a bit of an asshole, and I’ve seen Nick dish it back just as hard. Just because I disliked him didn’t mean I wasn’t paying attention.
They haven’t fought on the ice in a few years, but they still aren’t besties. I don’t know that they ever will be. There’s too much history, too many hurt feelings.
But maybe one day, they’ll be able to put aside their resentment. They both love me. They both love Elsy. That’s what’s important.
I’m getting a head start on my daily paperwork when Wyatt knocks on my open office door, letting out a low whistle.
“Look at these digs.”
I can’t hide my grin. “Nice, isn’t it?”
He crosses the small room and slouches in the chair opposite my desk. “Shit, B. I’m so proud of you.”
The praise lights me up like fireworks, dopamine flooding my brain. It’s amazing how such an innocent statement can have me flying high for days.
“Thanks, Wy.”
Of course, the same is also true in reverse; an innocent statement can have me in the depths of despair for days, too. Sometimes weeks. My brain grabs hold of the words and doesn’t let go, clinging so tightly that they become my truth no matter how factual they are.
“So… we should talk.”
“Isn’t that what we’re doing now?”
My brother pulls off his hat, runs his hand through his hair, and replaces the cap.
“I’m concerned,” he finally says.
A wave of hurt rushes through me. We had a great dinner last night, or so I thought. For him to waltz in here, not twelve hours later, and pull this bullshit…
No, I’m not hurt. I’m angry. Heat floods through me, my face burning hot.
“About me and Nick?”
Why couldn’t he have said his piece last night? Why’d he have to blindside me like this?
But Wyatt shakes his head. “Nah. You said you’re happy, and I believe you.” He sighs, sagging in his seat. “Mom, though…”
A shiver runs down my spine. Sitting up straight, I square my shoulders. “What about her?”
I hate, hate, hate the current of tension that cycles through me. That my stomach drops, and my hands shake. That the simple mention of the woman who birthed me, who raised me, who’s supposed to love me, makes me so fucking agitated I can’t stand it.
And then my brother goes and opens his mouth. “Why are you letting that stupid cow ruin everything for you?”
“She’s not a stupid cow,” I protest. “She means well. She just…”
“She’s mean and vindictive, and she doesn’t care if she’s hurting your feelings,” he snaps.
The need to defend her bubbles up within me. I know she’s not necessarily a nice person, but that doesn’t mean he needs to call her names.
“She’s our mom.”
“And that doesn’t mean you have to let her walk all over you.” He lifts his chin, his eyes hard. “The best thing I ever did for my mental health was put up walls and not let her trample all over them. Finally putting some distance between us.”
“I’m not like you. I don’t need distance.”
“Elsy and I never would have stayed together if I hadn’t worked on myself first. We still have to work at things. I’m not magically healed and whole.”
“I’m not broken. I’m fine.”
He makes a noise of dissent deep in his throat. “Okay, B. But don’t let her get to you. Don’t let her poison this thing you and Mitchell have.”
“You can’t even say his name without grimacing,” I taunt.
“Rebecca Lynn,” he says, and the pain in his voice makes my stomach clench. “If what you have with Mitchell is the real deal, don’t let Mom get in the way. Don’t let her ruin your chance at happiness.”
“She has nothing to do with it.” I can hear the lie in my voice; can he?
“I’ve seen the way she talks to you. The way she talks at you. The kinds of things she says…” He lets out a low whistle. “Nobody deserves to be talked to that way. Nobody.”
My eyes sting, and a tickle springs up in the back of my nose.
Logically, I know what she’s saying isn’t nice or kind.
But how do I tell my mother she’s my biggest bully?
How do I stand up to her? Her voice runs on a never-ending loop in the back of my head, repeating all the negative thoughts I can’t hide from.
I have no problem sticking up for my friends. To defend them against anyone trying to hurt them. Hell, I have no issues intervening if I see a stranger in trouble.
So why can’t I stand up for myself? Why am I so powerless against her?
“Just think about it, B. I love you. I want what’s best for you. And I want to see you thrive.”
“I’m doing my best,” I mutter.
“I know you are. And you’re doing great. But think about how much better you could be.”
Swallowing against the lump in my throat, I do my best to listen. To pay attention.
“I… I think I need to call my therapist.”
This shouldn’t wait until my session in two weeks. This can’t wait. Because Wyatt’s right. If Nick and I have a chance, I need to make sure my usual self-destructive tendencies don’t rear their ugly heads and make a mess of things.
My friends also accuse me of hurting others before they can hurt me. But what they don’t understand is that I lash out because I’m convinced they’re going to hurt me in the first place.
Because the person who’s supposed to love me the most, who’s supposed to love me unconditionally, has never had a nice thing to say about me. Because my brain expects the criticism rather than love and support.
Wyatt raps his knuckles twice on my desk. “That’s a great place to start.”
Right then, a knock sounds on my open door, and Vanessa pokes her head in.
“Hey, Wy. Thought I heard your voice,” she says. She comes to give him a hug. “How’s Elsy doing?”
“Good, good.” He runs a hand through his hair. “Larsson around?”
I grin. Sven’s hated my brother ever since he gave Vanessa a hug back when she and Sven were fake dating. No matter how many times they both insist they were just being friendly, Wyatt tries to keep his distance from the grumpy forward.
Of course, after that hug, Sven kissed Vanessa on national television to stake his claim, and they’ve been officially official ever since.
And now they’re married. With a baby. And trying for another.
I love their love story. I love that he got another chance with the one who got away. And most of all, I love that they’re still one hundred and ten percent in love, and don’t care who knows it.
“Sven’s in the weight room,” Van says. “It’s good to see you. Give Elsy my love. Maybe we can all get together when we’re in Austin next month.”
“That would be great. All six of us,” he says.
She cocks her head. “Six?”
“Well, Bex and—”
I clear my throat.
My brother looks at me, confused. “Do you need a cough drop?”
Vanessa narrows her eyes at me. “Bex and what?” Suspicion laces her tone. “Or should I ask who?”
“I, ah, haven’t told you yet,” I mumble.
“Told me what?” She rounds on me, hands on her hips. “Why are you keeping secrets?”
We’ve been besties since college; we don’t hide things from each other. Even when she was pretending to date Sven, she was open about it being fake. I’ve told her everything, including that I hooked up with a hockey player three years ago. Although I conveniently left out his name.
But lately there’s been a chasm between us.
She has a husband, and he’s her person—as he should be.
And I’ve been leaning more heavily on Ceci, but I’ve even been neglecting her now that Nick and I are together.
I can see how easy it is to get lost in someone new.
I’ve never done the serious relationship thing before, so I didn’t understand.
Now, I do.
Our friendship has stood the test of time, and I know that once we both acclimate to our new normal, we’ll be stronger than ever. But that means letting her in.
“I’m seeing someone.” The words rush out in a hurry. “It’s new, and the only person I’ve told is Elsy. And now Wyatt last night.”
She squeals, rushing around the desk and squeezing me in a tight hug. “You’re totally fucking Nick Mitchell, aren’t you?”
I pull back and stare at her. “What?”
“Please. I see the way he looks at you.” She rolls her eyes. “And the way you look back. You’re not as subtle as you think you are, boo.”
“We still need to tell management. We’ve signed the forms, but I haven’t delivered them to Jacky yet.”
Her boss. The head of logistics, and responsible for interpersonal relationships.
Nick and I aren’t the first couple to work for the Grizzlies, and I’m sure we won’t be the last. Sven and Vanessa. McKittrick and Amelia. We’re not blazing new trails. Somehow, that makes it easier. There’s a protocol in place. Strict rules and structure we have to follow.
My friend nudges me with her elbow to my ribs, none too gently, and I choke out a cough.
“Why not?” she demands.
I bite my lip. “It’s a big step. What if he changes his mind?”
Wyatt snorts. “B, the man is clearly in love with you. As long as you get your head out of your ass, you’ll be together for a long, long time.”
My face flushes, and warmth spreads through my entire body. Head to toe, I light up like the sun, a bright ray poking through the gloom on a rainy day. Like a fresh breath of air in a hazy cloud of smoke.
“You think so?” I’m almost afraid to hope.
“Yeah, Bex, he does.” My brother shakes his head. “And you’re supposed to be the smart one in this family. Maybe you need your eyes checked.”
“My eyes are fine, thank you very much.”
“If you can’t see what’s right in front of your face…”
“Shut up,” I mutter, looking down at my feet.
Vanessa tips my chin up. “He’s crazy about you. File the form, and get everything squared away and above board. It’s such a relief to have everything official. Trust me on that.”
“You don’t think I’m making a mistake?”
“Love is never a mistake.” She squeezes me in another hug. “Now we can double-date. It’s going to be great.”