CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“So, what’s the occasion?” Silje Vang said with a warm smile as she approached the table. She was dressed elegantly as always, every hair in place.
Leif rose and she kissed his cheek before hugging him. He hugged her back, closing his eyes for a moment as he held on. When they separated, she studied his face intently but didn’t say anything.
He pulled out his mother’s chair, helped her into it, and didn’t answer her question until he’d taken a seat across from her.
“There’s no occasion. I missed you.” And that was true, of course.
She arched a blonde eyebrow at him. “I missed you too. But you’re usually quite busy this time of year.”
“I am,” he agreed. He’d just gotten back from the Rockets’ road trip and the team was heading into the final weeks of the regular season. The pressure was ramping up for all of them.
Thankfully, the waiter arrived and they placed their orders and it wasn’t until they had food in front of them that Leif spoke about why he’d really wanted to meet up for lunch. “So, I did miss you,” he said. “But I also wanted to talk to you about something. About … someone.”
She studied his face again. “You met a man.”
Leif shrugged. “Not met, exactly. I’ve known him a while.”
“But you’re dating. Seriously.”
“Not … exactly.”
Her eyebrow went even higher. “Then what is it? You’re being so mysterious.”
Leif resisted the urge to scratch his neck. “We’ve been involved … casually for a bit.”
“Alright.” She didn’t look shocked, nor did he expect her to be. Leif knew she’d had casual relationships with men in her life from time to time and she knew the same about him.
“But I think I’m starting to develop feelings for him,” he added.
“Ahh. And this bothers you.”
It wasn’t really a question, but he nodded. “Yes.”
“Because you’d prefer to focus on your career?” She reached for her glass of water.
“That,” he agreed. “Although there are other reasons.”
“Such as?”
“He’s also a hockey player.”
Silje picked up her fork and knife. “I see why you came to me rather than your father.”
“You do live closer,” he pointed out. “But yes. It isn’t the sort of situation he could be impartial about.”
For a lot of reasons, Leif continued in his head. He cleared his throat and didn’t say that aloud. He did say, “He’s not a teammate.”
“A rival team then.” Her eyebrow went up again.
“Yes.”
“That would be complicated.”
“It’s not the easiest,” he agreed. “And I have no idea what to do about it.”
“What do you want to do about it?”
“I don’t know.”
“I think you’d better figure that out first, hmm?”
“Yes.” Leif sighed. “The thing is, when this started, I didn’t want a relationship. Especially not with him. Especially now.”
“But you don’t want to end it and move on?”
“Correct.” He swallowed thickly, pushing his lettuce around on his plate. “The worst part is, he’s a bit of a … well, he sleeps around a lot. Which is fine. Or, well, it was fine before I had feelings. But now I have feelings and I don’t think he has feelings and it’s all very … difficult.”
“Leif.” She reached out and covered his hand with hers.
He realized his vision was a bit blurry and he took a few deep, steadying breaths before he glanced up at her. “So, you see why I have no idea what to do.”
“Yes, I do.”
They talked more about it over lunch, although she didn’t press him to tell her who the guy was. It helped anyway, being able to say these things aloud to someone who only listened and offered small bits of advice without ever telling him exactly what he should do.
It wasn’t that he needed to be told what to do, really. What he needed was to have a conversation with Tanner about all of this. But that thought terrified him.
What if Tanner laughed? What if he thought Leif was ridiculous for bringing feelings into what was supposed to just be fun?
What if he ended this?
It was the last part that made Leif hesitate the most. He didn’t want to end it.
He hadn’t sought this out, of course. Hadn’t wanted to care so much for someone. Not now, not when his career was really starting to take off.
But the thought of going back to hookups with Sérgio certainly didn’t appeal.
Not when he could have Tanner mumbling things in his sleep as he wound around Leif’s body or hearing Tanner’s laugh and seeing Tanner’s eyes sparkle with amusement or mischief when they video chatted.
Still, he’d bared his soul to his mom and even if it hadn’t helped him make a plan, at least he felt a little lighter.
So he turned the attention away from himself and asked his mom about her work and listened intently as she told him about it. She was seeing someone too—it was new, so she wasn’t sure if it was going anywhere—and agreed the guy sounded like a bunch of green flags so far.
He wasn’t sure if Tanner was all green flags or red, or maybe just one of those checkered ones they waved at Formula 1 races.
His mom asked him about hockey and how he felt about Nicky being back.
Leif frowned. “Conflicted? Anxious.”
“You’re using all of the coping mechanisms we taught you?”
“Yes,” he promised. “It’s not out of control or anything. It just … it shifted some things. I’m still on the top line while he gets back into playing, so I don’t—it isn’t—my role hasn’t drastically changed. It just makes me wonder how long that’ll be the case.”
“Would they switch everything up this late in the season?”
He shrugged. “They’ll switch anything up at any point if it’ll get us a win.
And that’s all I want too. Honestly, I keep telling myself it doesn’t matter.
If they did it, it would just be—because that was what was best for the team.
But then I worry that I’m not being enough of a team player and I’m letting my ego get in the way of things and … ”
He glanced around aware that they were in public and if he kept going, he might get a little worked up about this.
She frowned. “Should I change the subject?”
“Probably,” he admitted.
“Not that I don’t want to talk about this with you.” She reached out and touched his hand where it rested on the table. “I just don’t want to push you if this is stressful.”
He shrugged. “It’s mostly something I need to work through in my own head anyway.”
“I’m just a text or a phone call away if you do want to discuss it more privately,” she said.
“I know. And I appreciate it.” Leif hesitated. “Actually, there is one other thing I wanted to discuss. Can I ask you something about Dad and Hawke?”
Silje looked slightly confused but nodded. “Of course. I’ll answer what I can, although you’d really be better off asking him.”
“I want your take on it,” he explained.
She nodded.
“So, the last game we played in Boston, I ran into Dad and Hawke. They were in the hallway, talking.”
“Okay.”
“You know I’m not always great at reading people, but it seemed … it seemed like things were very frosty. It surprised me. I thought they were kind of … I don’t want to say friendly, but maybe, polite? They’d let bygones be bygones, anyway.”
She looked startled. “Oh, that is surprising. I agree, I thought the years had mellowed any lingering hurt. It’s possible it wasn’t about their feelings for each other,” she pointed out.
“What else would it be about?” Leif asked with a frown.
“Hockey?” Silje offered. “I swear, your father was single-minded about it. The same way you are. And I understand it. I’m certainly the same about my career.
But it is one reason why your father and I simply didn’t work.
Knowing him, I think it’s safe to assume his major concern is hockey, not his feelings about a man he was involved with two decades ago. ”
Leif chuckled. “Yeah, fair enough.”
Aksel Rasmussen could be very single-minded about hockey. And, well, as they said, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.
“I watched that game,” she said, taking a sip of water. “And there’s always quite a lot of tension between the teams. It’s always been a good rivalry.”
“True.”
“So maybe your father or Hawke simply … got a little overzealous with the chirps and one of them took it too personally.”
“That’s possible,” Leif agreed.
But something in his gut told him it was more than that. Something deeper.
After their meal was finished and they’d lingered, talking for a while, Leif paid for lunch and they left the restaurant.
When they were on the sidewalk, his mom reached out and cupped his cheek. “You’ll figure out the situation with your guy, vennen min,” she said softly. “I know you will. He’d be a fool to not fall in love with you. And no matter how it goes, these are important life experiences to have.”
“Was it worth it?” he whispered. “Being with Dad even though it didn’t work out?”
Her expression softened. “Of course it was. I loved him very much. I still do. In a way, I’ll always love him no matter how long it’s been. I loved him and we had you and I could never regret that.”
“So I should let myself get my heart broken?” Leif answered.
“If you love him and he’s a good man, the heartbreak is worth it.”
“He’s …” Leif smiled, despite himself. “He’s awful and he’s a mess and he’s … he’s a good man.”
It looked like she was trying to hide a smile. “Then I look forward to meeting him someday.”
You already have, he thought but he didn’t say that aloud either. “He helped me pick out the flowers for your birthday.”
“They were lovely. He has very good taste,” she said lightly and he somehow didn’t think she was talking about the flowers anymore.