CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Dunno if I can chat tonight
Leif stared at the message from Tanner again, sighed, and typed out a reply. Okay.
Leif had finished practice, eaten lunch, and was still at the facility. The evening suddenly loomed in front of him with nothing to look forward to. Damn.
Team thing! He got back from Tanner.
I get it, Leif replied.
And he did, so he didn’t know why he was feeling so sour about this. Well, he did know that too, actually. He was feeling sour because he’d finally worked up the courage to tell Tanner about his feelings.
And now it wasn’t going to happen. So he’d have to go through this all over again. Or maybe he should just wait until they saw each other in person? It wouldn’t be that long.
Are you mad at me?
No? Leif sent back. Why would I be mad?
Dunno. U seem mad.
Leif read through what he’d sent. Okay, maybe he could see how he sounded a little mad. His answers had been short. But he wasn’t sure what else he could say that wouldn’t give away the fact that he wanted to talk to him or sound like he was being pissy.
He got it. The team came first. It did for him too.
Not mad, he sent back. I was just looking forward to it.
Me 2.
Leif smiled at the crying face. Not because he wanted Tanner to be upset but because he was kind of fond of Tanner’s over-the-top emotions. He definitely always knew what Tanner was thinking or feeling. He never really had to wonder.
Even if sometimes it did feel a little overwhelming. Which told him something, right? Tanner couldn’t possibly feel the same way Leif felt about him. If he was falling in love with Leif, it would be impossible to miss.
U should go do something fun! Tanner sent.
Like what?
Dunno. What do U do w/ friends?
Leif went a little blank. It wasn’t that he didn’t have friends. He had guys he knew from the team, from modeling … but they didn’t hang out one-on-one very often. He had guys he knew from Juniors, but they usually only hung out or texted when they had a reason to.
Birthdays, a good game, a guy getting traded somewhere … but out of the blue on a random weekday? They never did that. And Leif wasn’t sure how to drop it into conversation without making it weird.
He checked through social media and emails, seeing if there were any events or parties he’d been invited to. Anything for his brand deals. But it was all pretty dead right now.
“Hey, do you have a minute?”
Leif glanced up to see Ian Salter looking at him. “Sure, Salty,” he said. “What’s up?”
“Uhh.” Ian cleared his throat, glanced around, then took a seat at the table across from Leif. “So the other day was weird, right?”
“What other day?”
“When Palmer was being a dick about you being gay.”
Leif blinked. That had been several weeks ago and he’d nearly forgotten about it. It wasn’t the first time it had happened, and it probably wouldn’t be the last either.
“I’m pretty used to it,” Leif admitted.
Ian frowned. “Well, you shouldn’t be.”
Leif chuckled. “I can’t fucking change this league,” he pointed out.
Though it was changing. In waves at times, in pockets of teams here and there. The old culture was dying out and things were getting better, despite the assholes dragging their heels. New York was just … not ready.
“No,” Ian said with a sigh. “I supposed not. I always feel kinda guilty though.”
“Why?”
Renner and Palmer walked by, talking loudly about something stupid, and Ian frowned, leaning forward. “How would you feel about coming over?”
“Coming over?” Leif asked, confused.
“To my house. It’s about ten minutes from here. You could meet my dog, and we could talk more without, uh, being overheard.”
“Sure,” Leif said slowly, slightly confused by the invitation.
Salty had never invited him over before. Sure, they sat beside each other on the plane on road trips usually, but that was because they both preferred quiet activities. Leif usually listened to audiobooks or podcasts, while Ian read thick hardcovers.
Which always seemed wildly impractical to haul around on flights, but Leif had learned a long time ago that people were weirdly defensive about things and he’d stopped offering his thoughts and opinions on them.
“I know, random, right?” Ian said with a grimace. “I just thought …”
“No, I like dogs,” Leif said. “That sounds good.”
“I’ll text you my address and you can meet me there whenever you’re ready.”
“Sure, sounds good,” Leif said, standing. He piled up his empty dishes and cleared the table. “See you shortly.”
He found Ian’s place without any trouble. He was slightly confused when he pulled up. It wasn’t a bad-looking house, but it was small by NHL standards. Quaint and old-fashioned looking with white siding, two dormers, and a black front door with stone on either side.
Ian had pulled in just ahead of him and they met in the driveway. “We can go in through the side door. I’m going to have to let Emmie out. She won’t jump on you, but she will get excited, so be warned.”
Leif understood the warning when a very large black dog came bounding out into the yard. He wasn’t really sure what breed she was—maybe a mutt with some Great Dane—but she was big and she was excited. Her tongue lolled out of her mouth as she raced around Ian, yipping joyfully.
“Well, someone’s excited to see you,” Leif said.
Ian shot him a small smile.
Emmie came over to investigate Leif now, and he held out a hand, letting her sniff it.
He’d never had pets growing up but a friend of his had.
“Okay, I think we can go in now,” Ian said. “She’s gotten the wiggles out.”
“How old is she?” Leif asked, grateful for the easy conversation starter. He’d never been very good at small talk. At modeling events and parties, he usually asked about people’s work, and they were off and running without a lot of help from him.
When they asked about hockey, he had no trouble talking about it. It was only when their eyes started to glaze over that he knew he needed to stop and turn it around to them again.
“Emmie is three,” Ian said, leading him through a door that led into a laundry area. “It was a really stupid, impulsive decision for me to make when I was still playing for the Missiles but I found her shivering in a parking lot and well …”
He gestured helplessly.
Leif nodded, although he’d probably have taken the dog to a shelter. No-kill, of course. He wasn’t a monster. But the thought of that enormous dog in his Tribeca apartment was laughable.
“I see why you live out here in Westchester,” he said.
“Yeah. Way more affordable and I have a backyard for her to romp around in. I’m kind of a homebody anyway. I don’t go out a ton so what’s the point of living in the city anyway?”
“Westchester’s convenient for practices too,” Leif pointed out.
“It is.”
Ian offered him a drink, and they eventually ended up seated in a cozy living room.
Leif sipped his water and waited patiently for Ian to explain why they were talking here rather than at the practice facility.
Ian petted Emmie for a minute, then cleared his throat. “So I want to apologize for not speaking up in the locker room. It’s been bugging me since then.”
Leif nodded.
“It was … I shouldn’t have left you hanging out to dry.”
“It’s … fine,” Leif said. “I really am used to it.”
“But you—you shouldn’t have to be,” Ian said with a frown. “I should have said something. Nicky should have—”
“I get why he doesn’t,” Leif said.
“Sure, I do too,” Ian said. “It’s just …” But he didn’t finish his thought.
“I am not a good leader,” Leif admitted. “And with Nicky gone, I should have done more. I know they want me to do more but I …”
They being the head office of course.
“Yeah, same.” Ian sighed. “I should do more too.”
“And really,” Leif continued, “I get you not speaking up about gay issues. It isn’t really important to you personally and—”
Ian let out a startled laugh. “You think I’m straight?”
“Aren’t you?” Leif frowned.
Ian chuckled. “No. I’m bi.”
“Oh.” Leif shrugged. “I didn’t know you dated anyone.”
He’d never brought anyone to team events before.
“Ugh,” Ian said, rubbing a hand over his face. “Honestly. I don’t date much. I’ve kinda … there’s a guy I’ve had a thing for and it’s just always … there. It gets in the way of me moving on with someone.” He shrugged helplessly. “I should be over it by now. It’s stupid but …”
“I understand that,” Leif said. He didn’t think he’d get over Tanner easily either. “But yeah, I had no idea you were bi.”
“I never really thought it was important to talk about?” Ian said. “I mean, so what? What does it have to do with my hockey? And since I haven’t been seeing anyone seriously it felt weird to just … shoehorn into a conversation.”
“Yeah, that makes sense to me.”
“But maybe I’ve kinda been letting you and Nicky down by doing that. I mean, you didn’t even know.”
“Does Nicky?”
“Yes.”
“Oh.”
“It came up,” Ian said. “I don’t remember how. But I was here before Nicky’s injury. Before he was gone so much. It was different then. The team felt different.”
Leif nodded.
“I mean, guys were still pretty homophobic,” Ian said with a soft laugh. “But the mood was better.”
“I get that.”
“So, anyway, I’m going to do better in the future,” Ian said.
“I will too,” Leif promised. “Maybe between the two of us, it’ll get a little better.”
“I wonder if things will be any different with the new ownership,” Ian asked.
“Oh, I hadn’t thought about that.” Leif considered the idea. “Maybe.”
The previous owners were a private equity group. They’d sold the franchise to an entertainment company recently. There was talk of a new GM coming in soon, which probably meant a new coach too.
“It’s a woman-led company,” Leif said. “That’s something.”
It was the kind of thing his mom talked about. About the importance of women in leadership positions. Not that every woman was progressive or anything, but Jillian Winters had a good record at least.
“We can hope,” Ian said grimly.
They talked more about what it would be like if there was a new GM and a new coach.
“I’d love it if it was someone younger,” Ian said. “Not one of these stuffy old guys. Someone under fifty would be a nice change of pace, you know?”