CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO #2
“I’m saying that if we can figure out what we want in a relationship and I can figure out how to make it happen, we could … maybe make something work.”
“Are you talking about being traded to the Rockets?” Leif asked slowly.
“I mean, that would be ideal, right?” Tanner said. “But there’s a team in New Jersey too. That’s not so far from you.”
“True. Do you think Racine would go for it?”
Tanner made a face. “I think he’d hate it. Crawford and I are a good fit, and I know I’m totally bragging here but the blue line has definitely gotten better since we started playing together on the top line.”
Leif gave him a rueful smile. “Unfortunately.”
Grinning, Tanner pushed his curls off his forehead. “I think it would be all about finding the right trade partner, you know? Gavin’s smart. I am sure he could figure it out.”
“Do you even want to play for New Jersey?” Leif asked doubtfully.
“I fucking love the Harriers and New Jersey is an ass team with like zero queer guys that I know of, so not really.”
“I get that.”
Tanner sighed. “I’d rather you get traded to the Harriers but that seems pretty fucking unlikely since you’re like, one of their franchise players and shit, so, you know, I’ll do what I have to. Even if it means New Jersey.”
“You’d do that for me?” Leif asked, stunned.
Tanner sighed. “Yeah. I kinda like you, dude.”
“Kinda?”
“Kinda,” Tanner said with a smile. “Like, maybe thinking about falling for you, in fact.”
Leif smiled, although it quickly disappeared. “But you think you’re poly—uh, polyam.” Hawaiians, apparently. Leif was really going to need to look into that one.
“I don’t know what I am!” For the first time, Tanner seemed frustrated. “I think I could be. But Tom said something about his relationships that made me think.”
Leif blinked a few times. “Tom Bass and his wife are polyamorous?”
“Shit. I wasn’t supposed to say that.” Tanner grimaced.
“I won’t tell anyone,” Leif pointed out. Unlike Tanner, at least he knew he could keep a secret. “Anyway, what did he say?”
“That he and his wife are polyam and it’s something they need.”
“And you need it?”
“No, that’s the thing, I’m not sure I do,” Tanner said slowly. “I thought about you being with someone else—like, dating them seriously, living with them, and I fucking hated that idea.”
“Okay.”
“So then I thought about us living together but you still having sex with other people and I was more okay with that but still not, like … completely.”
“Okay.”
“But it got me thinking. What if we don’t have sex with anyone else?”
Leif blinked at him. “Isn’t that just … normal monogamy?”
“Well yeah,” Tanner said. “Obviously.”
“But that’s the part you’re not sure you’re okay with.”
“Hear me out,” Tanner said.
Leif braced himself for whatever nonsense was about to come out of his mouth next. Because he loved Tanner but sometimes the shit he said truly was utter nonsense.
“So like, we’re both into being kinda kinky, right?” Tanner continued.
“Yeah,” Leif said. He supposed so.
“So that’ll help. You said it yourself the other day, it’s stimulation, new things that I’m craving right?”
“Sure.”
“So if we keep it fun and new and exciting …”
“I get that,” Leif said. “But what if it’s not enough?”
Tanner snorted. “Dude, I’ve had a lot of sex but there’s still a shitton of stuff I haven’t tried yet.”
“Okay. Like what?”
“I don’t know. Nipple clamps?”
“Nipple clamps?” Leif stared at him in disbelief.
“Well, I don’t know. It was the first thing that popped into my head.”
“Okay. So you think you’re into them?”
“How would I know? I’ve never tried them.”
Leif sighed. “Great. We can add it to the list. I just—I just need to know that you’re not gonna get bored with me or something, okay?”
Tanner’s face softened. “Babe. Princess. Never. Okay. Never.”
“You can’t know that,” Leif protested.
“What if Clarence and I do?”
“I’d tell you that you and Clarence have lost your marbles.”
“We’re trying to figure this out!”
Leif sighed and rubbed his forehead. “Okay. Nipple clamps, I guess.”
“And the roleplaying, that was fun.”
“Roleplaying?”
“Where we talked about you picking me up in a club this summer. You didn’t forget, right?”
“Of course not!” He had a whole itinerary planned. Two, actually. One for Rome. One for Monte Carlo. He was going to present it all to Tanner after the postseason was over so he could pick which one he wanted.
“So maybe we do that. Maybe we got to a bar and pretend to be people cheating on their spouses. Maybe we pretend to be an astronaut and an alien, I don’t care! I just want to be with you. And I want to figure out a way that it’s fun and exciting for both of us forever.”
“Forever?” Leif whispered.
“I’d marry you tomorrow if I could.”
Leif felt a little faint and he rubbed his head again. “Tomorrow?”
A worried look crossed Leif’s face. “Dude. Did I break you?”
“Maybe a little bit? But not permanently.”
“Maybe you should do some deep breathing,” Tanner suggested.
Leif closed his eyes and did a few rounds. When he opened his eyes again, Tanner was smiling at him. “Whoops, didn’t mean to dent you.”
“Dent? Oh.” Leif got it. Not broken, just dented. “I’m fine. Just … maybe no spontaneous proposals, okay?”
“Okay.” Tanner grinned. “How about this? You propose when you’re ready. I’ll say yes when you do.”
“We can’t get married,” Leif pointed out. “We’re on different teams. We’re about to go up against each other—”
“Yeah, yeah. Details. Anyway. I didn’t say it has to happen now. When we figure our shit out.”
“What if we never figure our shit out?” Leif had thought he’d had his shit together, but Tanner had stormed into his life and upended it completely.
“We will,” Tanner said and he sounded confident enough for both of them. “Trust me. We totally will.”