CHAPTER SIX
Ronan - past
“Killing her didn’t leave her behind—she screams in the dark places of my mind.
I push the curtain, or blankets, on my window shut. The rain outside matches exactly how I feel, dull and utterly shattered.
I stare down at the dark purple bruises on my knees and thighs.
I’m disgusted with myself, it’s not my fault but it is.
I let it happen; I stare at her with lifeless eyes and an empty mind as she takes control.
She takes everything away from me; my friends, my phone, my video games, and lastly my soul.
Dad is a walking corpse. The alcohol has eaten away all of him, leaving behind a shell of a man who drinks and curls up on the floor in the bathroom when he’s done.
He probably can’t even remember my name, he calls me boy or son and I do whatever he asks for because I hope one day he remembers me, saves me from my mother.
“Ronan, mommy wants you.” I hide underneath my bed when I hear my mothers voice. My slim frame fits perfectly and the dark shadows underneath keep me hidden. I could always depend on the darkness to help me.
“Roni, now!” Her false sweetness turns into pure evil as she yells for me. I whimper, afraid and lost in the horror of what will happen next.
Her heavy steps echo around our small apartment until she reaches my room. The creak of the door signals her arrival and I shrink further into the shadows.
“Come out Roni, or I’ll punish you.” Her threat is clear and she slams the door behind her.
I silently cry, too afraid to come out. I watch her feet walk back and forth at the end of my bed. She throws the covers off the bed first and then the pillows.
“You little fucker, stop being an ungrateful little brat and come out.” Those are the curse words I should be used to but I’m not. They make me whimper, the sound loud in the silence that follows her yelling.
She laughs. She knew that would work on me. I’m pathetic, stupid, careless, ungrateful, selfish, everything but lovable. Why didn’t my mother love me like the other kids' mothers love them?
She grabs one of my legs and pulls me from underneath. I claw at the wooden floors—there are already a million other marks from me yanking on them.
“Found you, Roni.” Her voice is sweet again but it turns my stomach inside out as she pulls me to stand in front of her. A silky brown robe is around her body, the top is undone and her breasts are spilling out. The only thing covered is her nipples.
I stand stiffly before her, not knowing what she would want from me today.
“Oh my sweet boy, look how handsome you’ve gotten. You know mommy can’t help herself when you look this good. Your beautiful eyes, oh, they remind me of your father before he became a drunk.” I cringe as the words leave her mouth.
I don’t know how a normal mother is supposed to act but it definitely isn't like this. This—this is rape. This is incest.
I stare at her unspeakingly. No words would ever matter to her. No matter how loud I scream, no matter how much I beg she would choose to ignore me.
I stuff my hands into my pocket and remember the sharp knife I stole from the school's cafeteria. Its edges are jagged and the tip is dull but it will work. It has to.
She drags me over to my bed and pushes me to sit down. She then straddles herself across my waist, her breasts pushing into my face.
I don’t want to do it, I really don’t. I love my mother; I don’t want to see her hurt, I don't want to face the reality that she has never loved me as her child.
But I do it anyway, because I deserve to be set free from her cruelty. This isn’t the first time and it certainly wouldn’t have been her last. No matter how often she told me it would after each time she did it.
She lied.
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