Chapter Nineteen Ella
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Ella
There is something deeply and inherently wrong with me. I’ve known this for years, though I’m still not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it is. Perhaps it’s my propensity for going after—or staying with—the wrong people, those who bring nothing but complications to my life.
Or maybe it’s my ability to appear composed while disintegrating inside, melting into a million little imperfect pieces.
On the outside, I’m the poster child for self-assurance and success.
My CV glistens with accolades, my social media feeds are a carefully curated display of triumphs and picture-perfect moments.
To the casual observer, I’m bold, I’m confident, I’m driven.
I’m the woman who always knows the right thing to say, the right action to take.
But in reality, I wear a mask that hides the fact that I’m a bit spineless. Scared that every tiny mistake might add up to some monumental disaster. That there’s a threshold, a precipice, and I’m always just one step away from tumbling over it.
I’ve never been out of control like this.
With Jamie, everything felt safe, predictable, within my grasp.
But Hudson? He’s a different story. The way I feel around him, this raw attraction—it scares me.
I’ve never experienced anything like it before, and it makes me feel like I’m losing the grip I’ve always prided myself on.
Tonight was supposed to be straightforward. Eat some good food, talk to Hudson, maybe even flirt a little. Instead, he gave me a proposal that pissed me off. And I—I kissed him like nothing in the world could stop me.
And then I ran. Classic Ella—bold enough to stir a storm, but not quite brave enough to weather it.
As I shut the door softly behind me, my heart still racing from the taste of Hudson’s lips, I laugh at myself. Only I could orchestrate such a perfect escape, only to realize I’ve left my phone behind.
“What’s so funny, Ella?” Sammy asks. She’s lying on the bed, scrolling on her phone, head tilted to one side.
Gabi, lying across our shared bed, chimes in, “Yeah, you look like you’ve seen a ghost—or did you just come from visiting one?”
I smooth down my hair, which feels electric with static, and press a hand against my still-tingling lips. “I—well, you see—” I start, but the words get tangled on their way out.
Gabi’s eyes go wide. “You just got foxed , didn’t you?”
A frown creases my brow. “Excuse me?”
“Levi was texting Sammy a few minutes ago,” she says by way of explanation. “He slipped up.”
“He told me Hudson kicked him out so you two could talk ,” Sammy explains, her tone equal parts curiosity and amusement. “Figured something was up with all the food he sent.”
I exhale sharply, the reality of what I’d walked into—and run away from—suddenly crystallizing. “It was a trap. Or, I guess, a bribe.”
“So, you two …?” Sammy trails off, her perfect eyebrows arching.
“We only kissed,” I say, the memory of his lips on mine sending a fresh shiver up my spine.
“Where?” Gabi asks, a wicked gleam in her eye.
I groan as they both laugh.
“Was it at least a good kiss?” Sammy adds.
I roll my eyes, despite the heat creeping into my cheeks. “It was … complicated, as per.”
Gabi leans back, arms behind her head, her expression one of feigned shock. “Sounds intense.”
“God.” My head drops back as the truth spills from my lips. “I kissed him like a woman starved, and I’m not too proud of it.”
Gabi tsks, shaking her head playfully. “Ella, Ella, Ella. I just knew it … you were foxed.”
“We are so not calling it that.” I flop onto the bed next to her, stretching out a hand to swat her arm. “Besides, he asked me to be his friend with benefits first, and then I just completely lost my marbles.”
Sammy gasps beside us. “He didn’t.”
“He did.”
Gabi scrunches up her nose and pats me on the shoulder. “From what I know of Foxy, he doesn’t usually have long-term friends like that. It’s typically a hookup here and there at parties. And by here and there, I mean, like, at every party. But I’m not sure about lately. Guess things have changed.”
“Maybe he’s smitten,” Sammy adds.
I snort. “So smitten that he wants me for a convenient booty call.”
She winces. “And that’s …”
“Bad, obviously,” I deadpan.
“Why?”
“Well, because … I mean, he’s confusing me!” I press my palms to my sweltering cheeks. “He changes his mind more often than the weather. And there are rules. Morgan wouldn’t be happy.”
“Fuck the rules. Morgan’s not gonna find out as long as you keep it on the down-low. We all know you’re attracted to him,” Gabi says. “And you two are hot together. It’s obvious neither of you want a real relationship, so I feel like this is the best option.”
I sigh. “You sound like Hudson.”
“Smart man.”
“I attacked him with my mouth, and then I left my phone in his room.” I stuff a pillow over my face and scream into it. “Why must I be so tragic?”
They both snicker at me before Gabi says, “I can go down there and get it for you.”
“Would you?” I practically beg.
“Sure, why not?” She hops off the bed and straightens out her silk pajama set. The woman is flawless, wearing these tiny lace-lined shorts and a little camisole to match. Her hair is shiny and perfect, too, and I almost regret asking her to go in my place.
As she leaves, I let my head fall back and glance over at Sammy. She’s absorbed in her phone again. I bite my lip, debating whether or not to pry. Getting into other people’s business isn’t usually wise, but the curiosity is killing me.
“So, what’s up with you and Levi?”
She glances up. “Me and Levi? Nothing.”
“You guys hang out a lot,” I say. “And you’re kind of … affectionate when you do.”
She lets out a little sigh. “Levi’s great, and we’re close friends. But we’d never work out.”
“Why’s that?”
“He’s hung up on someone else. And so am I,” she admits, a hint of something wistful in her voice. Something that makes me wonder who could possibly be occupying her thoughts.
“Oh.” I worry at my bottom lip. “Strictly friends with benefits, then?”
“Nope. No benefits,” she says firmly.
“Because of the rule?”
“Nah, it’s just not in the cards for us.”
“Hmm.” That surprises me. The two of them are usually so flirty, so comfortable around each other. I think anyone would assume they know each other on a more intimate level. “But you think it could work? With me and Hudson, I mean.”
“I think,” she says, “you might be overthinking it.”
I laugh. “What else is new?”
Gabi bounces back into the room, my phone in her hand. She tosses it onto the bed, and it lands with a soft thump near my feet.
I thank her before flopping back onto the bed with a dramatic sigh, the absurdity of tonight’s events circling in my head like a carousel.
Hudson and his impulsive proposal. My rash exit. The ridiculous yet somehow perfect metaphor of me leaving my phone behind—like a modern-day Cinderella.
I sit up, squeezing the bridge of my nose between my fingers. “I’m a mess,” I mutter to myself.
Sammy looks over at me, her expression softening. “Ella, you’re not a mess. You’re just human.”
I let out another short laugh. “Well, this human is having a hard time navigating her life at the moment.”
“You know,” Sammy starts, setting her phone aside and turning to face me fully. “Maybe you’re looking at this all wrong. You’ve got to learn to dance in the rain sometimes.”
“What does that mean, exactly?” I ask with a laugh. It’s whimsical, almost foolishly romantic, but there’s a charm to it that I can’t dismiss.
“Just think about it,” she continues, her voice earnest. “You came here, to this country, to Whitland, to try new things, to explore and experience. Maybe it’s time to stop trying to control the narrative so much and just let yourself live it.”
She’s right, in a way. I told myself that I would make the most of this year.
That I would be open to new challenges and opportunities.
Maybe it’s time to push my insecurities aside and have some fun.
Hudson the player be damned—I can play the game, too.
I can be the one who lets loose, leans into something hot and exciting, without letting my heart get tangled up.
“Maybe you’re right,” I say. “I’ve been so focused on managing everything perfectly, making sure every step is calculated so I don’t get hurt again. But where has that really got me? Maybe it’s time to just … see what happens. Have some fun.”
Sammy smiles, pleased with my concession. “Life’s too short to always play it safe.”
“I agree with Sam,” Gabi says, tugging at a strand of my hair. “You should fuck Hudson again. And maybe, this time, you could do it in the rain.”
“Jesus Christ, Gabi.” I scrub a hand over my forehead and hop off the bed. “Fine. You know what? I’m going back down there.”
Gabi leans over and smacks me on the ass. “That’s my girl. If you have a run-in with Wallace or Morgan, just tell them you’re grabbing ice or something.”
“Right, ice,” I say, wiping my palms on the front of my pajama bottoms. “Three floors down.”
She waves me off. “You’ll be fine.”
I square my shoulders and stride out of the room before I can think better of it, my pulse racing. My hand trembles slightly as I press the button for the lift.
Eventually, it arrives with a soft chime that slices through the quiet, and the doors slide open. I step inside, my breath catching as I select the sixth floor. When the doors finally reopen, my feet carry me forward, each step deliberate and steady.
This isn’t just a walk down a hotel corridor; it’s a journey towards a crossroads, a decision point that could change everything. Or, I guess, nothing at all.
I near the room and spot Levi standing beside the door. He catches my eye and, without a word, pivots on his heel and practically sprints away down the hall.
Standing in front of the door, I gather my courage, raise my hand and knock softly.
From inside, Hudson’s voice calls out, “Dude, did you seriously leave your room key behind?”
I take a deep breath, readying myself for whatever comes next. The door swings open, and Hudson’s face shifts from annoyance to shock, and then to a slow, spreading smirk as he leans casually against the frame.
“So,” he murmurs, “did you forget something else?”
“Kind of,” I say, nerves twisting in my gut.
“And you didn’t send your lackey along?”
I purse my lips. “Hudson, I think we both know what I’m here for.”
“Well, I sure do,” he says, his smile fading into a more serious expression. “But it’s too little, too late, I’m afraid.”
My jaw drops, nearly unhinging from my face. Panic flickers across my thoughts, but as the grin creeps back onto Hudson’s face, I realize he’s teasing me. Relief floods through my body, mixed with a desire to wipe that smug look off his face.
So, I take his hands and shove him back through the open doorway. The door slams closed behind me as I push him back towards the bed. When he lands on his ass, his eyes darken.
“We’re really doing this?” he asks, a hint of challenge in his voice.
“We’re doing this. No going back.” With a defiant lift of my chin, I add, “And no strings attached.”
“Okay, then,” he says, low and husky. “Game on.”