34
Oliver
RAINA TURNED TO LOOK at me, and I felt my world shatter the moment I noticed her tear-streaked face, her eyes filled with a broken look, and I felt anger rise in me like I’d never experienced before. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” She replied, walking towards the small bench.
As I walked towards her, I took the time to calm myself as much as I could. My hands were twitching, but no matter how much I wanted to take away her troubles and tear them apart, I had to give her the space she needed to let it out without having to think about managing my emotions towards it.
Her eyes were fixed on the steady flow of the river, the surface reflecting the cloudy sky like it was brewing a storm and just waiting for something before it unleashed.
I was having a hard time deciding where to focus on her, but as I sat next to her, her red hands were the first thing that captured my attention. She had pressed on them for so long that I could see the nail marks she’d left on them. A rough breath left me as I covered them and looked at her further.
What the hell had happened?
She was still in her coat, meaning whatever had happened was right after she got there.
I wanted to ask her, wanted to know what she needed, but I knew that she needed silence more than anything. The past two months that I’d spent with her had told me something I’d assumed wrong. When I’d offered to help her with learning about cricket, she wasn’t hesitating because the idea of accepting my help put her off. She didn’t need my help; she didn’t want it either, and just because I offered it didn’t mean that it was a favour.
She knew she could do it alone, and sure, a lot of it was because of her being used to doing things alone, but she enjoyed every second of it, too. She just wanted someone to be with her. So, that’s what I did.
When she knew that I wasn’t going to prod her with questions, she shifted and laid her head on my shoulder.
“I used to love coming here as a kid,” She whispered as her thumb traced the side of my hand. “Me and my Mum would take a walk each night after Dinner, just the two of us and once I was close enough to race here, I would leave her behind. This bench was never there, though, so I used to sit on the rock by the river with her.”
My heart raced as I took in her words, turning to place a soft kiss on her forehead before I shared. “Me and my dad got this built. We used to do the same thing when I visited them after they moved back.”
She looked up at me; her expression held a sense of incredulity, though I knew it wasn’t a bad thing, and I made sure she understood that. “I know.”
But, now, I couldn’t stop myself from holding her either. My arms went around her, her head now on my chest. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes before she leaned back, her face softer.
“I’ll be okay,” The way she’d said it told me she had said it more for herself than me, but it made me frown nonetheless. “You should go back. You came down to spend time with your dad, and the next month is about to be even busier, so you won’t be able to spend time with him again.”
I had. When she told me she was going to go back to go through her Mum’s journals, I’d come up to spend some time with Dad before training camp started. Even though he had gone into remission, the doctors weren’t too sure if he wouldn’t relapse either, and we wanted to enjoy the little peace we had while that lasted.
I still hadn’t heard back from the board just yet, and we wouldn’t for another week, but with the T20Is season starting shortly after, I had to travel up to Loughborough for the camp. But literally , none of that mattered without her.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
She shook her head as she tried to get out of my grip, but I held on to her tighter. “Look, I—”
“You don’t have to tell me anything, not right now. I know you need space to digest whatever happened, and it could take days before you find ways to share it with me, and I’m okay with that. But I’m not leaving you here.”
“It’s not about that.” Her voice grew louder. “Oliver, I wish I was the person who could just let you in my life in the way you want, but I am not. Neither am I selfish enough to drag you into my chaos. You have enough things to deal with as is, and I don’t want you to choose between being there for me when you have more important things that need your focus.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I repeated, my voice even but final. My heart was racing at what had happened that had completely shifted her in a matter of hours.
“Stop being so stubborn,” She pushed my hand away as I tried to wipe the angry tear that had trailed down her face. “I’ll be fine.”
“I know. Still not going anywhere.”
Her jaw tightened at my words, the heat in her eyes flaring up. She tried slipping out of my hold again, but the more she tried, I held on to her tighter.
“Let me go.”
I didn’t.
“You’re absolutely ridiculous,” She huffed out as more angry tears trailed down her face. I pressed my lips together, unsure how to help her, my heart breaking at the sight of her.
After another minute, she stilled, and when I knew she wouldn’t try to leave again, I brought my hand up. “Are you done fighting me?”
Challenge flared in her eyes as she shook her head. “No. I don’t get this. You should be with him. I don’t get why you’re wasting your time being here.”
The surety in her words made me stop. “Okay. Let’s get one thing clear. I’m not wasting my time by being here. You’re right; I do want to spend time with him, but choosing to be here with you right now is not me giving up on something with him.”
“But—”
“If anything, I’m pretty sure if I went back home right now and left you alone, he’d be the first one to drag me back here.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do. You want to know why? Because he knows what you mean to me.” Raina stilled at my words. “The one thing he told me was how I needed to live my life while I was there for him. He didn’t want me to choose between anything and him, and he especially didn’t want me to stop my life for him. I didn’t get that, and that was why it took me so long to even step back mentally in my game. I didn’t know what he really meant because to me, being there with him should’ve been my priority, but he just said that when I found that thing in my life that would change the meaning of living for me, I would know and staying home with him wouldn’t be how I found it. He’s like you in that regard; not selfish enough for me to stay in his chaos.”
“Oliver…” She shook her head as I caressed her cheek.
“But I’m asking you to be. Do you think my place in this world is next to him or on the pitch? No. It’s right next to you. I want to be there for him, but I want to do it with you with me. I want to play the best I can, but I want to do it with you cheering for me.” Her breath hitched slightly at my words. “So, no, I’m not wasting my time by being here with you, and it certainly wouldn’t matter to me if you took years to find your peace after what happened or share your heart with me because, from the moment I saw you, I’d known that my heart was meant for yours.”
“It’s not that easy,” She whispered, and I let myself finally smile at her.
“I don’t want it to be easy. I want to fight for you and fight with you, even if it’s with the voice in your head and win you over and over. I want to show you that when I’m being pulled in different directions, being with you is a choice I made because I want to. I want to hold your hand and pull you up when it feels like you’re drowning. You want to know why?” I whispered. “Because finding you in a sea of strangers was my favourite thing in the world. Each time I feel that tug in my heart, and I know I can find you in a heartbeat, I know each one leading up to it was worth it. But we can’t just not try because of… life. And we certainly can’t not try because someone else made you feel like you’re not worth to have around, because to me there hasn’t been a single person who has felt more worth it than you.”
Her eyes softened at my words, as she stared at me.
“And you say you’ve been dreaming me,” She whispered, her voice trembling.
“Because you are everything I could have ever imagined and more.”
She shook her head; at first, what I thought was disagreement, but her words were what surprised me. “I don’t even think I could’ve been brave enough to dream of you.”
The rawness of her words hit me in my chest, and as her shoulders sagged, I realised she was finally accepting this... us.
Placing a kiss on her forehead, I replied honestly. “You didn’t have to. I’d already been made just for you.”
She stared at me for a beat before placing a hand on my face and closing the distance as she placed her lips on mine.
Pulling back, she took a breath as she wiped her face.
“You want to tell me now what happened?” I asked, brushing a hair from her face.
She nodded, but before she could say anything, a voice interrupted us.