Chapter 2 Selene #5
I breathed a sigh of relief and nodded to him when he waved before walking back down the driveway to his car.
I studied him as he walked away, his trim frame, elegant black coat, neat hair, and broad shoulders.
He was definitely an appealing sort of man—perfect for my mother—but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still difficult to welcome him into my life.
Into our lives, actually.
“Selene, come inside. You’re going to catch a cold,” my mother chided me, searching my face for whatever it was that I didn’t want to tell her. My mother had an innate gift for knowing when I was hiding something from her.
“Alyssa’s in the guest room; she came for a surprise visit,” I told her blandly. Typically, I would be more enthusiastic about that kind of thing, but, at that moment, I didn’t have it in me to fake anything more than absolutely required.
“Oh, that’s nice. How long is she staying?” she asked.
“I think she’s going back to New York tomorrow,” I answered, shrugging.
My mother frowned slightly, probably at my indifference.
I didn’t mind spending time with Alyssa, and I would have hosted her for days if that’s what she wanted, but I just couldn’t get past that kiss with Neil.
I had barely been able to look at her mouth.
I was bothered by the thought that her lips had made contact with my Disaster’s.
Mine.
It was delusional to think of Neil as mine, but the immature dreamer in me was clinging to that delusion.
“Okay. That’s fine. Now get inside,” she said sternly, and I shook my head.
“I’m going to stay out there for a little bit. I need to…” I fumbled for some plausible reason to remain outside. “I need to make a call,” I added hastily. She looked skeptically at the watch on her wrist and then back to me.
“At midnight?” she pressed, sounding concerned.
“Yup.” I nodded. “But if you keep giving me the third degree, I’m going to miss the call time and…”
“Okay, okay. I’ll wait inside for you.” She shook her head and went in the house, flipping on the porch light as she did.
It was a lie. I had no one to call.
My phone rested on the step between my legs.
I stared at it. The idea of reaching out to Neil had crossed my mind more than once, but I had been the one to reach out last time.
Like always, I set aside my own pride and accepted his disrespectful behavior.
Because I was trying to make myself understand him and not judge him, especially after Logan told me a bit about his brother’s history.
I couldn’t always be the one to give in, though. I couldn’t just let him win and walk all over me.
I raised my index finger to my mouth and chewed on the fingernail.
I felt unsettled and angry. I had a deep internal need to express my thoughts and feelings to him.
I wanted to tell him how profoundly he had let me down with what he’d done.
I wanted to give him a piece of my mind so I could expel those thoughts forever.
I wanted to tell him to stop chasing me, to forget about me, and to try to make things right with Logan.
I wanted, wanted, wanted…and all the while I sat motionless, staring at my phone’s display, lacking the guts to pick it up and make the call.
I also confirmed the time. It was late, and Neil was probably asleep or, even worse, out with the Krew. He might have even been in bed with Jennifer.
I snorted as I kept casting insistent glances at my phone.
There was one voice inside me that said I ought to call him up and ream him out and another voice that said I should just let it all go and make a clean break at last. I began to jog my knee up and down and anxiously adjusted the comforter around my shoulders until, with a heavy sigh, I snatched up my phone.
Quickly, before I had time to change my mind, I scrolled through my recent calls for his number.
He was one of the last people I’d called, so he was right near the top.
I found his name and touched that ominous green call symbol, raising the phone to my ear.
I bitterly regretted my decision as soon as I made it, but I also couldn’t help but feel that getting this boulder off my chest might make me feel better. Lighter or more satisfied, maybe.
After two rings, I squeezed my eyes shut in apprehension.
Two more, and I opened them again, worrying my lower lip relentlessly.
Another ring, and still nothing.
I was just about to hang up when I was stopped by the sound of his voice.
“Hello,” he answered.
I gulped, and it felt like my heart rose up in my throat only to sink back down into my chest. I concentrated on what I had to say to him, trying not to babble even though the sound of his labored breathing was distracting.
I pressed the phone against my ear more tightly to be sure I wasn’t hearing things, but no—Neil’s breathing was erratic and too fast.
What was he doing? Had he been…
“Don’t tell me you’re with a woman right now.
I swear, I will fly to New York and kill you myself!
” I leaped to my feet, allowing the comforter to fall to the porch floor.
I didn’t even care that I was getting loud.
It wasn’t jealousy that I was feeling but rage.
Pure rage, because Neil thought he could just walk over everyone without sparing a single thought for their feelings, and it needed to stop.
Alyssa was crushed, Logan was probably even worse off, and what was he worried about? Making time with some random blond?
His guttural laugh brought me back to the moment.
Was he seriously laughing at me? The balls on this man!
“Why the hell are you laughing? Dick!” I snarled, not caring if my neighbors, the Kampers or the Burns, could hear me.
“What is it, Tinkerbell? And hurry it up; I’ve got things to do,” he answered, sounding amused. I could even picture the smug little smirk on his too-perfect face.
“Hurry it up? Tell whoever you’re screwing that I need to talk to you and require your full attention!” I demanded furiously, and he chuckled again.
Since when did Neil laugh so much?
“Hold on, give me a minute to notify her,” he said with faux courtesy. So he really was with a woman, then? Just the thought of it made my stomach clench. In that moment, I felt like bringing out the worst insults I could conjure up, but instead I tried to control myself and project a certain aura.
“I won’t even give you thirty goddamn seconds!” I raged.
“Love the aggression, Babygirl. You’re going to spoil me if you keep going this way…
” Neil lowered his voice to a sensual whisper, and, for a brief but intense moment, a shiver moved through me with the power of an electrical shock.
I rested a hand on the porch railing next to me and breathed in deep, trying not to be seduced by him no matter how difficult that was.
“I’m not remotely in the mood for jokes, Neil.
I have Alyssa here in tears because of you.
Because of what you did to her—what you did to her and Logan both, actually.
Aren’t you the least bit ashamed?” I demanded accusingly, and, on the other end of the phone, I finally heard the silence that I’d wanted all along.
“How dare you just kiss her like that? Like she’s one of your blonds?
You’ve hurt her and your brother and me too!
Yeah, me too, because Alyssa is my friend, goddamn it!
” I was getting louder again. I had never been so angry, not even when the Krew insulted and mocked me.
“You’ve created this deep rift between me and Alyssa and between Alyssa and Logan.
Sometimes I have to wonder who you even are and if it’s right for me to continue to try to accept you the way you are.
I wonder how far you’d actually go, how much harm you might do to other people.
And, probably, to me as well. I wonder if it’s even possible for you to understand the way I feel about you or reciprocate in any way and if it wouldn’t be better just to let you go and live your life your way.
“I’m always asking myself these questions, Neil.
I’ve gone against my principles for you, against my self-interest, my father, and anyone else who told me to stay away from you.
I’ve never judged you, and I never will, but sometimes I think I need to stop trying to figure you out.
Stop chasing you. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.
They have to save themselves. You should go on alone, and maybe…
maybe that’s for the best. Sorry I wasn’t as strong as I thought.
” The last words came out in a broken murmur, and I was honestly surprised I was able to finish my speech at all.
I held my tears back in the hopes of convincing first myself and then him that I was making the right decision.
On the other end of the phone, there was nothing.
No sound, no breath, not a word or even so much as a syllable.
I immediately looked to see if Neil had hung up on me and saw that the call was still active. I hoped in that moment that he wouldn’t hang up. That he would say something—anything—to me and chase away the misery I felt inside.
This call was the lone, thin thread that still connected the two of us, one that I couldn’t bring myself to sever yet.
I was really contradicting myself: My words didn’t remotely reflect my actual desires.
Putting more distance between us wasn’t going to make me happier.
I knew, though, that putting a stop to this pseudo-relationship was the right thing to do.
I needed to let my Disaster go, even if it might mean losing him… maybe forever.
“N-Neil?” I stammered at him when the prolonged silence began to alarm me.
I made a face, and suddenly, the call ended.
The thread was snapped.
Neil hung up on me without even offering me the dignity of a response.
Had I hurt him? Or maybe he didn’t give a rat’s ass and had decided to run back to the one-night stand waiting for his attention?
As I slowly came back to myself, I began to wonder if I’d gone too far. It was difficult for Neil to communicate with words, and he unsurprisingly preferred a silent language of signs and actions that I had to interpret. I should have expected his silence.
I had gone hard on him, attacking him with no warning when he’d answered my call with the intention of teasing and laughing with me.
What if I’d gotten it all backward? What if I should have been questioning Alyssa and trusting Neil?
Wouldn’t it have been better to at least hear his side of the story as well?
I’d treated him the way everyone else always did—like I was some tyrannical judge handing down sentences without even giving him a chance to defend himself.
Me, the one who was always making such a big deal about how important it was to talk about things. I had made a huge mistake.
“Selene, come inside.”
I startled when my mother rested a hand on my shoulder. I whirled around, phone still clenched in my frozen fingers, and stared into her eyes. She looked solemn and stern.
It occurred to me that she had likely overheard my whole conversation, and I suspected it had only given her a worse impression of Neil.
I didn’t have the strength to argue with her, though. I didn’t want to have a conversation about Neil or what had happened, so I just gave in with a nod and followed her inside, bearing all my misery along with me.
I’d been choosing to walk a perilous path for months now, trying to follow a deeply troubled man, and only now was I starting to come to terms with the harsh reality of my choices…