Chapter 21 Selene
“Peter Pan had taught me that only those with happy thoughts have the ability to fly.”
Selene
The brisk late-November wind caressed my face and rustled the campus trees while I drew absently on a piece of paper.
I’d been sitting on the same bench for at least ten minutes. My class had been finished for a while, but I didn’t feel like going straight home. I stared down at my notebook, tracing the sharp outlines of what I’d just created.
“Every time you feel alone, draw a pearl inside a shell.”
I could still hear his sultry voice inside my head and feel his scent all around me. I searched for him constantly, like a dying woman searching for water in the desert.
And I wondered if his life had changed for the better, if he’d been able to process the pain of discovering such a life-altering secret.
I wondered if he was okay, if he was working.
I wondered if he had another woman or maybe more than one. Just the thought of it made my stomach tighten until I felt like vomiting.
And then I did.
I crouched down beside the bench and expelled the four cups of coffee I’d had that morning. My lungs burned, my chest shook, and my cheeks were wet with tears. Tears that did nothing to ease my soul or free me from the feelings inside.
I felt the chill on my skin and in my heart, which now felt like it was wrapped in barbed wire. I was in a constant storm of bleak anguish. Whenever I thought of Neil, it was devastating.
I couldn’t breathe.
I dragged myself through each day in my now-hollow world, surrounded by people I couldn’t bring myself to care about. I pretended that I still wanted to live, but in truth, my life had crumbled into nothing on that May day.
I had lost a part of myself.
And I still couldn’t get Neil out of my head.
“Shit, Selene. Were you sick again?” I felt two strong hands around my waist as someone helped me stand up and steady myself. My head was spinning; I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had solid food.
“Selene, can you hear me? Hey?” I recognized the soothing sound of Ivan’s voice as my chest bumped into his.
I blinked, trying to clear my head and focused on him.
There was his black hair, his green eyes with the bright flecks, the dimple in his right cheek, and that sensual mouth curved into a sweet smile.
“I just got out of practice. Are you alright?” he asked, brushing a bit of hair away from my face.
“Captain…” I managed in a croak. He stroked my cheek and pulled me in for a tight hug, allowing my tears to soak his team hoodie. He stroked my hair, nuzzling his face against my head, and somehow managed to soothe my anguish and calm me down until I could stop crying.
Ivan had become my constant; his presence was a necessity for me. I would not have survived losing Neil without him, his sister Janel, and Bailey. They were my best friends.
“I’ll take you home with me. Let your mother know.
When did you last eat?” He held my face in his hands and looked into my weary eyes.
“You can’t live on coffee and be constantly throwing up that coffee.
It’s no good… You’re losing too much weight,” he chided me, a bit of severity in his tone.
He stooped to pick up my notebook and pencil and remained hunched over the drawing, the same one that I now reproduced night and day whenever I got the chance.
He sighed heavily and closed the notebook before straightening back up.
“You need to stop thinking about him. It’s only hurting you…
” He handed me the notebook, and I slipped it into my bag.
Then he abruptly wrapped an arm around my shoulders and urged me to follow him to the white Porsche he’d parked nearby.
He was right.
I was only hurting myself, but I couldn’t help but think about Neil.
Six months had passed, and I still dreamed every night about that terrible day.
“Quit looking at me like that, it’s over. This was always going to happen anyway. Ask your mother about it if you want to know more…”
I had done just that.
My mother told me about how Neil admitted to her that he had accepted Professor Robinson’s internship in Chicago and that he didn’t think it was possible for us to have a relationship. So he had promised her that he would leave me behind, that there would never be a place for me in his life.
I couldn’t believe Neil had kept such important news from me, and, even worse, that he didn’t tell me he was supposed to share an apartment with Megan Wayne.
I couldn’t handle the idea of him out there in Chicago with her; my brain simply refused to process that truth. I pretended it wasn’t the truth so I didn’t fall apart completely—so I could keep on surviving.
On one hand, I hoped he was with her because it would mean he’d moved on and was doing well. On the other hand, I couldn’t bring myself to imagine the two of them actually together.
I was jealous.
I slipped miserably into the passenger seat of Ivan’s car, curling in on myself and resting the side of my head against the window. I stared out blankly into the void.
“Ms. Martin…” I looked over at Ivan, who had his phone in one hand and the other on the steering wheel.
He’d asked me to tell her but, in the end, he’d had to do it himself.
By that point, my friends were well-practiced at getting in touch with my mother for everything as well as supporting me every day and worrying about me constantly.
“She’s at work, right? Okay…that’s what I figured.
No, no, I’m not leaving her daughter alone; don’t worry about that.
She just got sick again today. Yeah…I thought I’d just take her back with me.
Of course, thanks for the vote of confidence.
You can call me or Janel if there’s an emergency.
” He hung up and slid his iPhone back into the pocket of his jeans.
When he raised his hips to do so, I took an involuntary glance at his tensed abdomen before quickly looking back at his face.
“You’re staying with me,” he said gently, never taking his eyes off the road.
I didn’t say anything in response.
Every day, Neil was there, invading and occupying my thoughts. I convinced myself I saw him in every face, in every moment, in every breath.
I imagined I could smell him everywhere I went, even in Ivan’s car.
I let our drive wash over me.
I watched the tall buildings looming over us until we drove into a private garage. I got out of the car and followed Ivan over to the elevator that would take us up to his apartment.
“Are you feeling better?” He smiled at me as we entered the enclosed space of the elevator, where his cologne was overpowering. I just nodded, watching as the buttons lit up with each floor we ascended.
I’d been spending more and more time with Ivan, and I’d told him everything that happened with Neil. He understood what I was going through as well as feeling sorry for me.
“First things first, I’m getting you something to eat.
” He held the apartment door open for me, and I went inside.
Immediately, I was hit by the clean, pleasant smell of the place.
The living room was exactly as I remembered it: spacious and luxurious with a large leather sofa and tasteful decor.
The multiple windows offered an incredible view of the city.
“Make yourself at home; I don’t have any other practice or anything today. We can hang out for the rest of the day.” He unzipped his hoodie, exposing the T-shirt he wore underneath. It hugged his muscular torso like a second skin, and I quickly looked away, embarrassed.
I knew Ivan; he’d never been sketchy or disrespectful toward me, but he was still a young man and his proximity was occasionally unsettling.
“Where’s Janel?” I asked. “She wasn’t on campus today, and I texted her but she didn’t answer,” I told him, still standing motionless in the living room.
“She’s with our dad. You do remember that our parents are separated, right?” He gave me an incredulous look, and I nodded, feeling like a dummy.
Janel regularly went to Dearborn to spend time with her father, who was living there. She had, in fact, told me she’d be there today, and I’d forgotten because, as usual, I was lost in my own head.
“I hate being a burden on you all.” I sat down on the leather sofa and tracked his lean frame as he went into the kitchen.
He rolled up his sleeves to the elbow, a move I found especially hot.
His jeans were tight against the hard muscle of his butt, and his legs were long and powerful.
He was a little shorter than Neil but no less fit and cut.
“You’re not,” he said, grinning at me before he began fixing something to eat. Unlike a lot of young guys, Ivan seemed at ease in the kitchen.
“Should I call you Chef instead of Captain?” I got up from the sofa and left my coat behind with my purse and my phone, and then I followed him into the kitchen.
“I don’t cook all the time, but I don’t mind doing it,” he answered congenially.
His back was to me as I sat down on a stool at the kitchen island, the perfect opportunity to closely observe his wide, basketball-player shoulders.
His back muscles shifted slightly with every movement of his hands, and, bizarrely enough, I found myself considering his masculine appeal.
Maybe I was just trying to drive out the honey-colored eyes that had been haunting my dreams for months.
“Why didn’t you go to Dearborn with your sister?” I propped my elbow up on the island and balanced my chin on my palm. Ivan appeared to stiffen up, and I hoped I wasn’t being nosy.
“Because I don’t really get along with my father.
” He looked over his shoulder at me and sighed.
“He really wanted me to go to med school and become a doctor like him. But I went my own way. I chose sports. He’s never accepted that.
He’s never even been to see one of my games,” he said in a low, hurt voice.