Chapter 24 Neil
“Tinkerbell’s soul had wandered deep inside me.”
Neil
There are two kinds of filth: the kind that other people hurl at you and the kind that grows inside you.
The second kind is the one that doesn’t wash away.
It’s something you bear on your skin; it stays with you for your whole life long.
It stays in your soul.
It flows in your blood.
The only time I ever felt clean was with Tinkerbell.
Never with anyone else.
No other embrace had the same warmth. No other kiss had the same sweetness.
Now more than ever, I was confident that no one else would have the same power she did.
Tinkerbell’s soul had wandered deep inside me, and no amount of time or other pairs of blue eyes or any sort of fucking could have erased what Babygirl was to me.
And now I’d proved that by hitting rock bottom and succumbing to the one woman I swore I’d never touch: Megan.
I didn’t know whether to feel like more of a piece of shit for using her up and tossing her aside or for deluding myself for the past six months.
Yes, the biggest ass-kicking was the one I’d delivered to myself.
Everything had been so clean and clear when I’d fallen into temptation with my roommate. I did everything I could to relive the past, to shrink the distance between me and Babygirl’s ocean eyes. I had tried as hard as I could to imagine Selene’s body beneath me instead of Megan’s.
I tried to replace her orange blossom scent with one of coconut.
That’s why I’d gone even further.
That’s why I’d forgotten the condom.
That was why it felt so tight, why I liked it so much, why I…why I…
For her.
Only for my Babygirl, who I imagined when I could not touch her. Who I saw over and over again in each one of them.
Who I could sense all around me but would flee the moment I tried to grasp her with my hands.
I’d always thought it would feel different with Megan because we were tied together so deeply by our cursed past and the cruelties of fate. But, though I definitely felt an undeniable connection with her, it wasn’t comparable to what I felt with Selene.
No, it didn’t stretch that high. Didn’t tunnel so far in or dive down that deep.
It didn’t hurt as much. It wasn’t all-consuming.
It didn’t plumb the void I wanted to fill with kisses from Tinkerbell’s magnificent lips.
It did not achieve the sensual delights of her small, delectable hands, which I longed to feel on me again. They were the only ones capable of washing away the filth and of touching my soul.
“Shit!” I snapped in frustration as I struggled to work on a project I wasn’t processing the first fucking thing about.
Everything fell apart after I gave in to Megan.
I had been fine at first; I’d been screwing anonymous strangers, and it had been going great.
Then, because of her, I found myself in the eye of a bewildering storm.
I’d almost done it again, though, right there on the couch the next morning after we had an argument. But then one fateful slip-up saved me from making the same mistake again.
I’d whispered a name. It wasn’t hers…
I’d thought it would never happen. That name that I always kept on the tip of my tongue had wriggled its way to freedom on a whisper.
It was a whisper that had been waiting too long to burst forth into the world because the other women were not enough.
I needed Babygirl’s color, the shape of her, her words, and her feelings.
I needed my Tinkerbell to fly me away from reality.
“Coffee?” The sound of Megan’s voice drew my attention to her smiling face.
I had no idea how she could be so good-humored after what we’d done.
She shut the door to my mentor’s office and walked briskly toward me.
Her black outfit was sleek and sophisticated, but her prominent curves no longer had the same effect upon me.
I’d sated myself on them, and my hunger had vanished, like it had done with all the other women.
Except for Selene.
The more I tasted her skin, the more I craved her.
The more I kissed her, the hungrier I became.
The more I pushed inside her, the more I wanted to stay there.
Because that was where I belonged—my Neverland.
Did I have to fuck Megan to figure that out? Maybe.
I convinced myself that I only thought about Selene when I was in the others because we lacked an intellectual connection.
But that was something that I had with Megan, and so, like the asshole that I was, I decided to test myself with her.
I wanted to see if it was possible that I was deluding myself about the feelings I’d shared with Babygirl, but I was wrong.
Even the woman I’d thought of as such an imposing presence that she would obliterate the memory of Babygirl had come to nothing.
It didn’t have anything to do with physical attraction or intellectual understanding. It wasn’t about shared history or the abuse we’d both suffered. I simply needed my Pearl to find myself.
“Thanks,” I answered, trying to make the moment less uncomfortable.
Megan set the steaming mug down on my desk, licked her lips nervously, and sighed as she tucked a bit of black hair behind her ear. It had been just as much of a mistake for her as it had been for me.
I could read her; her green eyes couldn’t hide anything from me.
We shared an apartment; there was no way to go on like nothing had happened, but at the same time, she could feel me growing distant. I didn’t touch her anymore or tease her with sexual innuendos or dirty jokes.
“No problem. Still working? How’s it going?” Her voice was even.
“Not great. I don’t get a fucking thing about this,” I admitted with a snort. I sat up from the suddenly uncomfortable desk chair and grabbed my coffee, walking over to the big glass windows that offered a panoramic view of Chicago.
All I ever did was fall on my ass and get back on my feet only to stumble once again. I never got it right.
I felt like a ship adrift at sea with no compass.
I didn’t know what choices to make. I didn’t know where to go or who I could talk to—who I could trust.
“You need to stop blaming yourself about stuff that’s not your fault.
” Megan broke the silence, moving closer to me.
I could smell her perfume, and it was pleasant, but it didn’t stir me like it had before.
“What happened between us was something that I let happen,” she went on.
She looked calm, but I knew that she wasn’t really.
She’d been walking around with a wounded look lately and getting lost in thought.
Proof that she’d been hurt by my careless attitude.
After all, I was the prick who fucked her and called her by another woman’s name and thereby ruined everything, our friendship most of all.
If “friendship” was, indeed, what it could be called.
“I never wanted to use you. I know you don’t deserve that. I know what you’ve been through.” I squeezed the coffee cup tightly before tossing it intact into the trash can. I was still nauseated by the same poison that had been killing me for days.
“Look, I already told you what I think, Neil,” she murmured.
I stared blankly out the window at the sky.
It was a sky I didn’t even recognize anymore, like I didn’t belong on this world beneath it.
“I really think you should try again with your siblings. And with John and with…” Her long fingers grazed my shoulder, and I sucked in a breath.
Just a few days before, her nails had been digging passionately into my flesh like she was trying to tear my back open.
Yet now I flinched, bothered by her touch.
She drew back her arm and cleared her throat before continuing.
“And with her too. With Selene. You’re not going to be able to replace her with someone else.
And, if having sex with me was another test to see if you could…
well, then I guess it served a purpose, at least. Forget about what her mother said; forget about the right thing to do.
Let her make the choice about what’s best for her…
” I turned abruptly, expecting to be hit with Megan’s disdain, but instead, I was surprised to find her smiling.
It was a slightly strained smile but a genuine one, the first I’d gotten after days of the frosty emotional distance I’d selfishly shown her.
“You don’t know her. Selene can’t think clearly about me. She’s completely incapable of making sensible choices because she’s blinded by—”
“By love,” she supplied. “She’s just in love. That’s it.” She smiled again, and I stiffened up. I wasn’t sure what made me more uncomfortable: Selene’s corrosive feelings for me or this tender behavior from Megan.
“I don’t deserve your smiles. There’s no use trying to bullshit about us.
I know you’re disappointed. I know you feel used.
I could apologize to you and tell you how sorry I am, but it wouldn’t fix anything, and we both know that.
” I stared down into her eyes, using my height to loom over her.
Despite her sky-high heels, she still had to look up at me, blinking thoughtfully.
I looked at her sensuous mouth, but I didn’t feel that shiver of arousal that I’d been feeling for the past six months.
All I’d really felt for her was fucking curiosity.
I wanted to see if I could move on with someone like her.
I wanted to see what it felt like to be with someone so similar to myself.
Megan wasn’t like the other women, and she never had been, but she wasn’t my Babygirl either.
I had used her to figure out what kind of connection we had and if it could possibly be stronger than the memory of Selene. If it could make me forget about the smell of coconut and a pair of crystalline eyes.
Because she was the only one who ever felt like mine.
And I had always felt like hers.