Chapter 27 Selene #3
“Oh, I plan to come bother you no matter where you end up. Including Chicago, in case you were wondering,” John shot back at him.
“I’m going to get a coffee,” he continued, tousling Neil’s hair affectionately while Neil grumbled out a low “fuck off” that went totally unacknowledged by his father.
Mia followed John out of the room, and Logan took Janel and Chloe along with them.
As he left, he shot me a meaningful glance, and I knew that he was giving me an opportunity to talk to his brother one-on-one, just like he’d advised.
But the moment we were alone, I began to feel antsy. I’d been waiting so long to have this conversation, but now that the moment had arrived, I was scared. I was scared of what he’d say, scared he’d push me away again.
“Could you grab me a cigarette?” he asked, and I jumped, like it was the first time I’d ever heard his voice before.
Neil tilted his head to one side, undoubtedly wondering why I was reacting so oddly, but he didn’t say anything.
I scrambled around for the pack of Winstons before spotting it on the roll-away table.
I couldn’t help but sigh as I reached for it: I would much rather he asked me to stay with him, to start all over again and begin our journey together.
Instead, he asked me for a pack of smokes.
“Here,” a voice broke in. Before I could even fulfill Neil’s request, Megan scooped up the cigarettes and tossed them carelessly at him.
My mouth dropped open at her presence—she looked amazing as usual in a pair of skinny jeans and a simple red sweater that only highlighted her incredible body.
She wore her dark hair up in a high ponytail, her lips were appealingly pouty, and her eyes seemed especially green.
“What are you doing here, Head Case?” Neil looked her up and down, his eyes narrowing slightly at the shape of her breasts, barely concealed by the leather jacket she wore.
Seeing his eyes on her like that was a punch to the gut, especially now that I knew for sure what had happened between them.
I didn’t breathe again until Neil looked away from her. He pulled a cigarette from the pack and stuck it between his lips. He knew he couldn’t smoke in the hospital, but he liked to hold there it, unlit. It was soothing for him.
“I came to see you,” she answered, not acknowledging me. Was she seriously just going to pretend I wasn’t there? This bitch…
“Have you been tracking the papers?” she continued, moving closer like she had every right to push herself right up into his space.
“Bryan Nelson, that Britney chick, and all the basketball players were arrested, and they’re in jail.
That prick Ryan, though, he offed himself in his cell the first night.
Guess he couldn’t face the idea of spending the rest of his life in jail.
The cops think he launched another dark website selling child porn videos.
They’re doing this big investigation trying to trace all the people who bought his videos and get their identities.
Apparently it’s going to be a huge bust. The scope of the whole thing is still blowing my mind…
” she told him incredulously, while Neil stared at her like he had no interest at all in what she was telling him.
But I knew that was just a front. The things that happened to him hurt him so deeply that he couldn’t even bring himself to talk about it. He had yet to express himself about any of it, but I strongly suspected that, inside, he was being rocked by strong emotions.
“Fucker should have lived so he could suffer, rotting in prison,” he answered darkly. “How are you feeling, knowing that he’s dead?” he asked Megan. She stood next to his bed, her arms folded tightly and her shoulders tense.
“He’s been dead to me for years,” she answered, cold and sharp.
Then, very unexpectedly, she reached out to brush back a curl that had fallen down over his forehead.
Neil’s eyes immediately shot to me, and he could see the hurt expression on my face.
He blinked and cleared his throat before sitting back stiffly to duck Megan’s touch.
“I didn’t say you could touch me,” he scolded her firmly, and my heart leaped.
I was well aware that Megan surely found Neil’s particular amalgamation of beauty and charm to be irresistible, but I was the one who fought so hard to know him, to dig down into his soul and show him that he wasn’t a monster.
I was the one who had my pride trampled over as I struggled to support him without judging.
I was the one who accepted him. I was the one who loved him.
She couldn’t take that away from me.
“Dr. Keller told me the doctor was going to discharge you,” Megan went on, and my rage only grew sharper.
For a second, I imagined stalking over to her and grabbing her by the hair.
I could have exposed the jealous, possessive creature that I was inside, but I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction.
If I showed her my insecurities, that would only bolster her own opinion of herself, and I didn’t want that.
So, despite the fact that my blood was boiling, I fought to keep myself under control and think rationally about what to do.
“Yeah, I’m heading back to Chicago,” Neil answered, and my breath caught. My mind got stuck on that one single word: Chicago.
“Okay…I think I’ll probably head back soon too. Let me know what your plans are. You can come with me if you want,” she offered, and that was when I snapped like a wild animal. I couldn’t take one more second of her presence.
“Excuse me, Wayne,” I called out to her and finally she turned to look at me. “Are you going to give us a minute alone, or do I need to kick your ass out of here? Because, believe me, I can do it.” I gave her an insouciant half-smile, and Megan’s eyebrows flew up in surprise.
I had dedicated a year of my life to Neil.
I had given him all of me; he couldn’t just walk away like nothing had happened.
I needed explanations, and this chick had to get out of here. Immediately.
“Oh, hey Selene. Guess you finally grew a pair, huh? Congrats. I’ll give you two some privacy,” she answered with a combative air before leaving the room—and Neil—to me.
I refused to waste any more time. “Want to explain to me what the hell is going on in your head?” I snapped at Neil, and, of course, he just kept silent the way he always did when I tried to have a conversation with him.
Instead, he just got out of the bed and pulled himself up to his full height.
For a moment, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.
“What exactly is unclear to you? I have to finish my internship, and I still have another six months to go before I can try for my license.” He walked over to the small closet space where a few articles of clothing were hung up.
He grabbed a white hoodie and began pulling it on using only his left hand.
He could have asked me for help, but he didn’t.
Even then, a swelling of pure love urged me to go to him and hug him and show him that I’d never let him leave me again. But the last, final bit of my pride that I guarded so jealously would not allow me to do that.
“Are you going back to Chicago? When? Tomorrow? Today? Couldn’t you stay here a little longer with your family?” My voice came out as a wheeze. I could have said it better, could have sounded more determined, but the pain was too strong to be ignored. Just talking calmly to him was exhausting.
“My family?” he echoed, not looking at me.
He grabbed a bag out of the closet and put it on the bed, stuffing the rest of his things inside.
“I don’t have a family. I’m not going to forgive my mother.
I can’t go back to living with her and Matt.
My siblings can come see me any time they want, though.
” His unzipped hoodie left his chest exposed, and I examined the bandage there.
Neil’s motions were too quick and sharp; he was ignoring the doctor’s warnings.
If he continued acting like an idiot, he was going to tear his stitches.
“And what about me? What about us? Are we back to the same old thing, Neil? Are you going to dump me because my mother has filled your head with her fears?” I moved closer to him, drawing from deep inside myself to find the strength to face him.
“There hasn’t been an us since the day I graduated.
Sure, your mother was part of it, but it would have happened either way.
You know that because I’ve been telling you right from the beginning.
Did you think I was lying? I can’t give you the things you want.
A person like me with the issues that I have…
I can’t give you a normal relationship.” His right hand shook as he zipped up the bag.
He glanced around, searching for his cigarettes and phone.
As soon as he spotted them, he tucked them into his pants pockets.
He was doing everything he could to avoid meeting my eyes.
Why? Was he that afraid to show me a moment of vulnerability?
Was he afraid that I would dig down deep inside him and make him see that this choice was the wrong one for both of us?
“Oh really? So there is no us, then? Shall I remind you that you told me that I am what you think of when you think of love? Do you think I’m stupid, Neil?
Do you think I haven’t figured out that you also have strong feelings for me?
I saw it that night I was so sick and again when everything went down with Ryan.
Goddammit, look at me when I’m talking to you!
” I shouted, reaching the limits of my patience.
When he finally turned to look me in the eye, all my noble intentions of not showing any weakness and standing strong against him faltered.