Even Though They Weren’t So Great
Even Though They Weren’t So Great
Having a panic attack in the middle of a store and in front of Spencer was the last thing I wanted to happen today.
It hit me so suddenly, I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
I was hot, couldn’t breathe, my skin felt itchy everywhere, and it felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I couldn’t get a deep enough breath in either.
I couldn’t focus on anything going on around me, but I hadn’t wanted to make a big deal about it.
Taking in another deep breath, I turned the car vents toward me and leaned back, closing my eyes.
The fact that he even noticed it happening and then was so quick to try and pull me back from that ledge.
He had been so patient, listened to me, and didn’t brush my feelings aside, and he made sure I was truly okay.
I had a feeling even if I had tried to lie, he would’ve seen straight through it anyway.
God, he made me feel emotions I didn’t want to. Ones I tucked away to protect.
Finally feeling more normal and at ease after sitting in the car and then drinking some water, I was so excited to go to this apple orchard he had found.
This was one I hadn’t been to yet, so I was pumped to explore.
It wasn’t super crowded since most families were probably off having dinner, which I was super grateful for.
We ran home and dropped off the bags to grab Dolly.
I made sure to throw on a cute fall bandana and grab the little picnic basket I had previously thrifted on a whim a few years ago as well.
At the orchard, we unloaded, and Spencer held her leash in one hand and intertwined our fingers with the other.
The sun was out and shining, but the weather was cool and had a nice breeze, so it wasn’t sweltering.
The orchard had rows and rows of the most gorgeous apple trees.
Each one had little signs to tell you which type of apples you’d find.
In between some of the trees, you could see random couples and families sitting on blankets or the grass, enjoying their time together.
Spencer and I meandered up and down the trees looking for the ones we wanted the most and the apples that looked the best. We got our basket about half full, and then decided to lay the blanket out and stretch out on the ground.
We found a row where no one was and tucked ourselves away in our own secluded spot.
The sun was hiding behind the clouds and trees, and with the wind, you could hear the leaves almost as if they were whispering to you.
In the background, I could faintly hear families laughing.
I inhaled the sweet scent of apples mixed with the woodsy scent of the trees and closed my eyes.
My knees were tucked under my chin, and my head rested on them, I turned and looked at Spencer and noticed a slight tick in his jaw.
“Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like if I had a family like these.
One that actually cared about me, loved me, didn’t make me question if I was the problem and why I was so unlovable.
” Spencer’s voice was barely above a whisper, but in this serene quiet, it sounded as loud as an explosion.
My mouth dried, and my heart started pounding.
Dolly sat in his lap, and he gently rubbed between her ears.
She moved in closer, almost sensing he needed the extra comfort.
If I ever met his family, I would tear them a new one.
This gentle soul, forced to be alone, even when surrounded by so many.
More of that icy exterior around my heart cracked for him.
“You should’ve never had to wonder about that or question your worth from your own parents.
” I scooted closer to him and ran my fingers through his hair.
His gaze was locked onto the ground in front of us, and he refused to meet my eyes.
“You were just a child; they were the ones who should’ve been protecting and nurturing you.
You did nothing wrong, Spencer James. Look at me. ”
I pushed Dolly out of his lap and straddled him so he had to look directly at me as I held his face between my hands.
“I’m so so sorry that you spent your life questioning your worth because of those awful people.
You are so incredibly kind and smart, you’re always thinking of others and doing little things to show that you care about them.
Sometimes family isn’t who you share blood with or the one you’re born into, but it’s the one you find and create.
I know it’s not exactly the same, and there’s always going to be memories that sting, but I will do anything to show you how loved and cherished you are.
” I hoped all the love and emotions I felt were shown in my eyes as I looked into his.
Those deep, stormy eyes that I would gladly drown in for him.
I could see the tears starting to line them, and my heart physically ached for him.
“I must’ve done something right at some point to have found you in this life, Allie.” He lay his head on my chest, and I could hear a small sniffle from him. I ran my fingers through his dark curls while he lay there. “I’m sorry, I know this isn’t what you wanted on this fall date day.”
“Just like you told me earlier, lover boy. Don’t apologize for how you feel. They’re valid feelings, and you should be able to talk about them without restraint. I’m sorry that they’re feelings you have to work through.” He sat back and looked up at me again.
“Looks like we’re both having some off mental health days today, huh?” He let out a dry laugh.
“I guess so, but at least we have each other to help pick up the pieces and to lean on.” I climbed off his lap and stood up and stretched out my hand, “Here, come on, let's find some more apples and get going before the mosquitoes eat us up.”
We let the silence wrap around us as we continued looking for more apples to take home. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but one of understanding. We both knew that words didn’t need to be spoken right now, and that each other's presence was enough.
I found the perfect apple high up in a tree.
You could see the sun glinting off its red skin.
Trying my best and stretching as far as I could, I just couldn't reach the damn thing. Spencer stepped up behind me, wrapping his arms securely around my thighs, and lifted me up. A loud laugh broke out of me as I braced my hands against his arms to make sure I wouldn’t fall.
I reached out , snatched the apple from the limb, and let out an excited yell.
Spencer carefully slid me down his body, taking extra steps to make sure I didn't get hurt. Turning around to show him my prize, he took it in his hand to examine it. His blue eyes glittered with mischief as he lifted the apple up and to his mouth.
“No!” I let out a cackle and yanked my apple away.
“First, we have to pay for this, and second, this one is mine. I got it fair and square.” I stuck my tongue out at him and placed the apple in the basket before I took off down the walkway.
He picked me up around the waist and swung me around, and we both started laughing, any previous tension falling away from our earlier conversation.
After we picked all we wanted, I loaded up myself and Dolly in the car while Spencer went to pay for our apples.
A moment later, he came out with the basket of apples plus another large brown paper bag tucked under his arm.
Spencer opened the back driver's door, fighting off kiss attacks from Dolly. Carefully, he nestled the basket of apples between the driver's seat and the passenger seat to make sure they had a secure place to sit and wouldn’t tumble out everywhere. Slamming the door of the 4Runner closed, he hopped into the driver’s seat and turned to face me.
A boyish smile overtook his face, those damn dimples on full show, and his eyes seemed lighter as they sparkled with glee.
“Okay, well, once I got inside, they had a bakery, and I’m a sucker for baked goods.
I didn’t know what you’d want, so I got us one of everything.
Oh, and they had apple butter, and I remembered you mentioning how much you liked it, so I got a small jar.
” He was grinning from ear to ear and was so excited about what he had found.
He pulled out a fried baked good wrapped in white parchment paper.
“I figured we could try this apple pie fritter thing first.”
“Oh, it smells so good! Yes, let's try it!” We each took a bite, and the flaky crust and spiced apple filling melted in my mouth. It was so warm and tasted heavenly, and the scent of apples and cinnamon filled the car. A small moan slipped past my lips. “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever put in my mouth, oh my god.”
“I gotta agree with you. I could probably eat a dozen of these on my own. Holy cow.” Spencer was nodding his head as he covered his mouth to keep the crumbs from coming out. “I’m even more excited to try these others, then. We can do a whole tasting later.”
We drove back to the house, letting the sounds of old country play through the speakers while the windows were rolled down and the wind whipped through my hair.
The sun had started to set, and the sky looked like someone had painted it with the most striking shades of red, orange, and yellow.
It created the most beautiful hues, casting everything in a golden shade.
Sunrises and sunsets in the mountains were a different feeling.
It felt like you were wrapped in this never-ending blanket of color and love.
In the mornings, you could hear the birds chirping and waking up, and in the evenings, you could hear the cicadas singing and see the fireflies dance across the sky.
Everything had a reverent silence and peace during those times when you could be alone with your thoughts, and for a moment, it felt like everything would be okay.
With Spencer's hand wrapped around mine, and Dolly hanging out the window, everything felt right. Like every tragedy that happened, every lost love was supposed to bring us together.
I looked over at him and just took in his side profile.
The curls flying around haphazardly, his full lips, prominent nose, and the dimple that was on display because he was smiling.
Everything about him was so beautiful, and then when you got to know him and his heart, he was devastating.
Not only was he attractive, but he was a genuinely good person too.
And he was all mine. I turned back around, soaking everything in while a set of butterflies erupted in my stomach.