3. Gwen
Chapter three
Gwen
Half an hour later, Brooks is gone and Gabe and I are up on my balcony. Everything is so complicated and I’m so overwhelmed it’s not even funny.
It feels…weird that I am not more upset. But honestly, all this shit with Preston just makes me feel more justified for wanting to leave him. My mother always acted like I should be grateful that such a rich and powerful man wanted me of all people.
“Well, that was a punch in the face. How are you?” Gabe has settled into his usual seat at the table.
“You could say that... or you could say that it was kind of a resounding confirmation of everything I had been having gut feelings about.”
“Well that too, but forgive me for trying to be sensitive instead of screaming ‘I knew he was a worthless asshole!’”
I smile at him, throw my arms out into the rapidly chilling night air and scream. “I fucking knew he was a worthless asshole!”
Gabe laughs and stands from his chair. “Want to take a celebratory lap?” He flaps his massive wings, making me giggle as it blows my hair around.
“Always!”
Going on flights with Gabe has always been something I loved. I never ask to fly, I know that it’s bad etiquette in gargoyle circles. But when he offers, I always take him up on it. There was a period of time during our teens where he was not yet strong enough to lift me, but when he came home from college, he’d filled out considerably and I’d been so excited to fly again... But Preston hadn’t liked it. He always mentioned how Gabe could accidentally drop me and I would plummet to my death. Gabe would point out, of course, that he would never drop me, but it had been a significant bone of contention.
We’d still flown together, because to me it had never seemed like a big deal. Like so much over the last month or so, I realized how much Preston had been limiting my life. Because for once, when Gabe asked me if I wanted to fly, I didn’t feel even a single second of hesitation.
Gabe scoops me up, holding me across his body in a bridal carry. In seconds, we’re in the air, and Hallow’s Cove is spread out beneath us. From up here, I can see the shape of the cove that gave this town its name, just how small it is, and even the last bits of snow that stubbornly clinging to Twilight Peak. Lights pass underneath us as we sword out of town and over the water.
When we were younger, I’d ask Gabe why we never flew over the manse, and he’d explained that Barnaby didn’t appreciate anyone else in his airspace. He explained that doing so would be next to suicide. He was a big guy, but Barnaby Hollow had hundreds of years on him. I still kind of thought that he could hold his own, until he had pointed out that he couldn’t exactly fight very well while holding me.
The moon and stars envelop us on above and reflect back off the cove beneath, welcoming us into the night as old friends.
“I never get tired of flying with you,” he whispers in my ear.
I shiver, because I won’t either.
I won’t… but it also feels tenuous. I never felt that guilty for going flying behind Preston’s back, but would it be the same with someone else? In hindsight, it occurs to me that I hadn’t ever actually liked Preston that much. Sure he’d been incredibly handsome, and the attention had been exhilarating. I was a somewhat awkward child, a bit of a nerd with baby fat that hung around when the rest of the girls shed theirs. I’ve had some really unfortunate style choices, and frankly, little interest in romance until after high school.
When Preston had asked me out, I didn’t even realize it was a date until he kissed me at the end of the night. I didn’t love it, but I didn’t hate it either, so I just sort of figured that I would learn to like it. It was like anything else, right? If you didn’t know how to do it, of course it was terrible.
Things had always just happened with Preston, and I think a part of me never stopped looking at him as Gabe’s older brother, who we idolized, but never really let in on all of our secrets. It had felt natural not to tell him. But with someone else? Would I feel comfortable keeping such secrets from a future partner? I’m not so sure.
The knowledge makes this flight feel bittersweet. I know it’s not our last, but it does feel as if my days of flying might be limited.
And my days flying are not the only thing. When Gabe went away to school, I’d stuck around town. My dad had been sick, and it had been important to him that my mom continue their research. For the next four years, while Gabe was at school, I cared for my dying father. I had a high school diploma, and I’d originally planned to go away to school eventually, but then Preston and I had started dating and he bought me and Gabe the game shop as an engagement present. If I don’t have the game shop, I don’t know what I’ll do.
And then, the enormity of it all really hits me.
I’m going to lose everything. My job, my apartment above the shop, even the house that I don’t live in. I’ll be homeless and jobless and it’s all Preston’s fucking fault. Preston would’ve been a terrible father, but right now, I’m pretty pissed that I never managed to get pregnant. Because apparently, a baby would be the solution to all of my problems. There’s no question in my mind that I would be a great mom, or that Gabe would be their father for all intents and purposes. I know that he would help me, and that he would love any child of mine as if it were his own. Gabe had plenty of experience with a shitty father, but his mom was great.
When I think about it, I get angry all over again, because if only I had known, maybe things would have turned out differently. Because for whatever reason, I know that if I fight, I’m probably going to lose. From what Brooks said about this other woman, Cecelia seems to have a lot more connections than I do. Hallow’s Cove has one singular lawyer, and it’s not like I have any money to pay him.
I’m not even enjoying the flight because I’m so angry. Gabe is quiet too, as he circles back and lands on the balcony. He sets me down on my feet, and instead of letting me go, he pulls me in for a hug. I can’t hold back then the tears pour out of me like rain. The grief that I should’ve felt at Preston’s death is hitting me now, because this feels like the death of my life, of everything that I love. Without the shop, I’ll probably have to move away. I have basically no marketable skills and Hallow’s Cove is so small that they’re really aren’t many jobs.
And if I move away? Would Gabe come with me? I want him to, but suddenly that seems ridiculous. Friends are important, even best friends, but expecting your friend to move with you seems ridiculous. But then leaving Gabe seems ridiculous. I need him, like air, like water, like sleep. The worst part is, it’s not hard for me to imagine what my life would be like without Gabe. I lived that life while he was away at school, and I hated it. It’s no wonder that I sought solace wherever I could, that I’d been duped into marrying Preston, because I had been so miserable.
I try to imagine it differently, perhaps I’d go to the big city and find work, I would meet someone, and we’d settle down, maybe we’d have some kids. I had always wanted them, at least until I’d imagine raising them with Preston. But it all feels hollow without Gabe. Even the perfect image of the life I had dreamed of as a little girl feels empty without Gabe in it.
How am I meant to try new things if I don’t have Gabe to tease me into it? How am I meant to go to sleep at night without knowing he’s watching over me? How am I meant to raise a child without him to talk sense to me when I get hysterical?
I can’t move away, I can’t leave Gabe, but if we lose everything, I might not be able to stay.
If only I’d had a baby. Or hell, thinking of the words of the letter, if only Gabe had had one.
“You don’t have any stray baby gargoyles you left anywhere from college in Europe laying around do you?” I tease, even though I know he doesn’t. Gargoyles mature later sexually than humans, so I doubt he was really even sexually active at that point… or if he has been at all, for that matter.
“No, why?” he asks to the top of my head.
“I just realized that if you had a kid, they’d be able to inherit, too.”
“Yeah, sorry, I definitely don’t have a kid somewhere.”
He squeezes me tight, and even in this moment where everything is going wrong, he makes everything feel like it should be. Not magically better, but right. My stomach is flipping with butterflies, like it so often does when Gabe hugs me. I think I have such a strong association with him and flying that I get that swooping feeling when he holds me close, even not in the air.
If only there were a way… if only… and then Jake’s suggestion pops into my head.
“Gabe’s a Fairfield, just have him knock you up.”
Of course! It’s so simple, so perfect that it’s crazy. It’s still sort of ridiculous, but it also makes a ridiculous amount of sense. Nerves flare in my belly at even suggesting it, but I can’t help but wonder, what would Rena, my rogue do? She’d charge right in.
“What if—” I start. “What if we had a baby?” I can’t even look at him, but now that I’ve started talking I can’t stop. “We don’t have to have sex or anything, we can just, like—turkey baster it. And there’s really no one else I’d ever want to raise a kid with. We’d keep the store and I wouldn’t have to move away and lose you.”
“Whoa, whoa, slow down.” He pushes back from our hug, his hands on my shoulders. “Move away and lose me? Where is this coming from? We can’t just have a baby to fix this.”
“Gabe! I have nothing else, and anyways, why not?” I know it sounds flippant, but I really want to hear his reasons why it is a bad idea, because the more I think about it, the more perfect it sounds.
“Because!” he sputters. “Because… well… it’s ridiculous!”
“I know! And it’s perfect!” I’m smiling like a kid in a candy shop, because that really is how it feels… perfect. Because now that I’ve thought of it? I don’t just want this baby to solve our problems.
I want this baby.
I want Gabe’s baby.
If imagining my life without him was blurry and horrible, imagining what raising a kid together would be like is crystal clear. We’d all live in the house, we’d run the store together and our kiddo would rule the roost, the apple of our eyes. It was like everything we had now, but better.
“Gwen, we will have this baby for the rest of our lives. A baby isn’t a solution to a problem, it’s a gift.”
“Yes, I know that. And…. I want to have your baby. I think we’d make great parents, and think about it, you couldn’t have better parents than a pair of best friends. Our kid would have an amazing life. Seriously.”
“No one will really ever date you if you have a kid with your best friend who is hanging around all the time.”
“I don’t care.” And I don’t, because imagining a life with me, Gabe, and our baby? It feels complete. “I don’t need anyone else. I don’t need anyone but you.”
I grab his hand and lead him over to sit in our chairs. It’s hard for me to read his face in the dark, I can’t see well at night like him, but I can imagine it. I bet his brow ridges are raised, and he’s got that amused little smile he gets when he thinks I’ve really lost it.
“Think about it. Really think about it. Every time I picture every other scenario for my life it feels wrong. I belong here, with you. And if our family looks a little different from some other family? So what? I honestly think we’d be so happy. We’re so happy now, a baby would only add to that.”
“Gwen—” Gabe’s voice is strained. He’s caving, I know it. “We can’t—I mean—I can’t. Like, I physically can’t.”
Oh shit. Maybe Gabe really hasn’t sexually matured yet. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen porn sites in our browser history… and like, he comments when character designs are hot… But fuck, if he’s not sexually mature at twenty seven? It’s hard to believe, but every species is different…
“Gargoyles only produce semen during sex,” he blurts out.
I can’t help but laugh. “Yeah Gabe, that’s kinda how it works. You scared me for a minute there. I thought you meant like… you hadn’t gotten there yet. I was so confused, dude. I was like, seriously you aren’t jacking off yet?”
“No, I’m serious. And leave me alone, I’ve been mature for years now. I know we’re late but not that late. I mean that when I jack-off it doesn’t have semen. It’s like our bodies know when we are actually having sex. So no, I physically cannot go into a closet with a video and come out with a cup of baby batter for you. It just… doesn’t work that way.”
I blink. “Huh? Like, your body just knows? How?”
“I don’t know, ask your mom, she’s the biologist. I just know those are the rules. Intercourse equals viable cum, jacking off equals no swimmers in the stream.”
“So then, we have sex.” The words roll out of my mouth, and over my body as I say them. I feel them. I feel the idea wash over me and settle between my legs. Fuck, I like it. I want it. I want to have sex with Gabe.
Gods, I can feel how wet I’m getting just thinking about it. Gabe, over me, his massive body blocking out my vision so I only see him. Those gorgeous lips kissing mine? I had such a crush on him in high school, but he’d been oblivious. I moved on, obviously you can’t pine after someone forever, but it’s like my crush has been there, smoldering under the surface. And the second I’ve thought about him fucking me, it’s raging inside me again.
“Gwen… I can’t.”
My stomach drops out. Because duh, Gwen, of course this fucking stunning gargoyle doesn’t want to bang his dumpy little best friend. Every time Preston told me to lose weight, or poked at my fat flashes through my head.
“Of course, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t want to have sex with me either.”