Chapter 8
Chapter eight
Kelsie
Guilt gnawed at my stomach as I gazed out the window, watching the landscape fly by in a blur. Noah tapped out a rhythm on the steering wheel, matching the beat to some classic rock song I didn’t recognize.
A relentless chant echoed in my head, over and over.
I slept with my brother’s best friend.
And I didn’t even regret it. The only reason I felt guilty was the fact that I did it behind Noah’s back. Lying to him was a necessary evil sometimes when he could be so overbearing and wouldn’t give me the breathing room I desperately needed.
But this secret was different. Too heavy, too big to contain. It festered in my gut, burned on the tip of my tongue.
I couldn’t tell him. It would destroy his friendship with Ryker. They had been through hell together. I didn’t want to be the wedge that drove them apart.
“Pit stop,” Noah declared, gesturing to the exit sign up ahead. “I need to get gas and coffee. Are you hungry, butterbean?”
I wrinkled my nose at the nickname.
“Will you ever let that go?”
Noah flashed a grin at me.
“Never. When you were born, that was the first thought that popped into my head. She looks like a butterbean. Kinda round and pale and clammy.”
“What a flattering description,” I replied.
He chuckled, turning off the highway and pulling into a nearby gas station.
I marveled that Noah seemed to be in such a good mood, given the circumstances.
The only reason we were on this road trip was because of me and my stalker problem.
All morning, I’d been mentally preparing myself for Noah to chew me out, trapping me in the car for some long-winded lecture about my safety.
Although I caught him stealing glances in the rearview mirror more than necessary. And if I needed to use the restroom, he would dart a look at his watch, keeping an eye on the passing seconds until my return.
After Noah had filled the gas tank, he rapped his knuckles on the hood of the Jeep and jerked his thumb over his shoulder, indicating he was going inside. Then he clicked his key fob and the locks thunked into place.
I sighed. This time, he had a perfectly valid reason to be overprotective, and I couldn’t even argue about it.
I composed a text to Ryker in my mind, updating him on our road trip, and how Noah still sings off-key.
I thought about mentioning that night we spent together, and how I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
But Noah and I had left our phones at his house so they couldn’t be tracked. Noah had a burner phone in his duffle, for emergencies only, and sending a friendly text to Ryker hardly qualified in that department.
A few minutes later, Noah returned and tossed a bag of skittles into my lap, while he chewed on a length of red licorice.
“Got you a treat, kiddo,” he said. “I could have grabbed a healthier option, but I didn’t. So you can’t call me a hardass.”
“Oh, I’ll still call you a hardass,” I replied lightly. “Where are we going anyway? You haven’t mentioned a destination.”
Noah smirked.
“Glad you asked, butterbean.”
Reaching behind his seat, he pulled out a giant paper atlas of the United States, with color-coded tabs, and pages covered in a network of highlighted passages.
“We have plenty of options,” he said. “I was thinking we could hit up the Grand Canyon. Or Yellowstone. Hell, we could even check out the Tetons for a few days. Then maybe we could visit the California coast—catch some waves, go surfing. I’ve always wanted to try that.”
“Did you do all this while I was at Ryker’s cabin for the night?”
He shrugged.
“It’s not like I could get any sleep. I thought I would make myself useful and gear up for our road trip. You know I like to be prepared.”
That damn tug of guilt between my ribs returned. Ever since the day I was born, it seemed as if I’d been turning my brother’s life upside down, making things complicated for him. Even if it wasn’t intentional, I still felt bad that he kept cleaning up after me.
“I’m sorry, Noah,” I said softly, studying the bag of candy in my lap.
He lifted his head with a frown.
“For what?”
I gestured at the map, the car.
“Dragging you into my drama.”
He huffed and waved me off.
“You didn’t drag me into anything, Kels.
Wild horses couldn’t keep me away. You know that.
Besides, look on the bright side. This stalker gave us the excuse to take a much needed vacation together.
I can’t remember the last time we did something like this.
Ever since you moved out, you’ve been too busy to pay your big brother a proper visit. ”
He pouted theatrically. I groaned.
“You stop by my apartment every week with coffee and donuts.”
“So?” he objected. “It’s not the same thing.”
I tore open my bag of candy and selected a handful of the purple ones—his favorite. I deposited them into his waiting palm.
“I still wish it was under different circumstances.”
“Well, you won’t hear me complaining.” Noah popped the candy into his mouth all at once. “Now that I have you trapped in the car with no chance of escape, you can tell me every juicy detail about your love life.”
I sucked in a breath and nearly choked on my candy. The memory of Ryker buried between my thighs last night filled my head in a burst of panic.
“What? No. No, that’s totally not going to happen.”
He grinned and started the car, locking the doors again.
When Noah and I checked into a motel for the night—sharing a room for safety purposes, of course—his cheerful demeanor subsided and he became more watchful. Testing the lock on the door. Peeking out the window when he thought I wasn’t paying attention.
We ordered a greasy pizza from a crunchy little bar on the corner for dinner. I flopped onto one of the twin mattresses, stretching out my legs with a sigh.
“Noah?” I said, studying the water stains on the ceiling.
“Yeah?” he mumbled around a mouthful of food.
The words lodged in my throat. I never had the guts to ask this question, even though it had nagged at the back of my mind for years.
“Do you ever think about getting married some day?”
He tossed his crust onto a paper plate and wiped his hands on a napkin.
“Where the hell did that come from, Kels?”
I propped myself up on one elbow, tracing mindless circles in the sheets with my fingertip.
“You’re in your forties,” I pointed out. “But you haven’t even come close to settling down, finding a wife.”
“Gee, thanks for reminding me,” Noah grumbled.
I ignored his mild complaining and kept going.
“You put your life on hold to raise me, didn’t you?”
A shadow darkened his eyes. He sighed and balled up his napkin, depositing it on the table.
“I just haven’t met the right person. That’s all.”
I continued to stare at him, waiting through the silence that filled the room.
Noah shook his head.
“I don’t blame you, butterbean. There was a lot of grief to process after Mom and Dad died. Then I spent my twenties looking after you, and going back to school for physical therapy. There was no time to date. I wasn’t in the right headspace anyway.”
Rolling onto my stomach, I propped my chin in my hand, listening.
“You go on plenty of dates now,” I reasoned. “But I’ve never heard you get serious about anyone.”
Noah shrugged.
“I want what Mom and Dad had. They were so good together. I wish you could have seen them, Kels.”
A pang hit me in the stomach. My parents died when I was a baby. I didn’t get any memories of them the way Noah did. So when he talked about Mom and Dad, I would hang on his every word, soaking it up, filing it away.
“I caught them dancing in the kitchen on Christmas Eve,” Noah went on with a fond look in his eye.
“I was barely three years old at the time, peeking at presents under the tree. They were just…swaying, holding each other, with this look in their eyes as if the rest of the world didn’t exist. So, I guess I’m holding out for that kind of devotion.
I don’t care if I have to wait until I’m ninety years old before I find it. ”
I smiled softly.
“I hope you get that kind of love one day. Before you’re old and wrinkly.”
“Thanks, butterbean.”
“Although, that’s not too far off, you know. I’ve noticed a little more gray in your hair these days. It won’t be long before you’re getting dentures and touring assisted living facilities.”
Noah chuckled and shook his head.
“Very funny.”
After the pizza was finished, I yawned as I made my way into the bathroom for a shower. Stripping off my clothes, I stopped when I saw myself in the mirror.
Just above my right nipple was a dark mark from Ryker’s mouth. I traced my fingers over that bruise, following the outline of it and trying to remember the shape of his lips, the scorching heat of his tongue.
An empty ache throbbed between my thighs.
How was I supposed to move on and pretend that nothing happened between us when all I wanted was to relive that night together, again and again, for the rest of our lives?