27. Now
Now: New Years Eve
D enver calls me at least twice a week. We haven’t had a chance to go out again, but we’ve kept in touch. Wendy returned last weekend and has not stopped asking me about him. I can’t say I blame her for being curious. It’s not like I go on many dates, or any for that matter. This is big news. But not public news, we are still getting to know one another. As he said last time, we can take it slow.
He’s on call a lot for his job, which makes his calls a bit sporadic at times, but truthfully, I don’t mind. My heart leaps inside my chest every time my phone rings now, but I tell myself this is good for me. This is okay, and I’m allowed to have a friend outside of my writing team.
Dad, of course, says it’s more than okay. He’s basically become the female version of Wendy. Okay, maybe not as bad, but he does ask me about him often. Which is nice for a change, because usually there’s not much to ask about. We know everything that goes on in each other’s lives. But this is something new. Something we can talk about.
Speaking of new, Dad finally gave me more info about the lady he’s started seeing. Her name is Deb, she also works in finance, and they met online about two months ago in one of their monthly meetings. They’ve been seeing each other for about a month now, and things seem to be going well. Her late husband passed away about four years ago, and she’d like to start dating again. I think he said she has three children.
Either way, I’m happy to see my dad happy. There’s a soft glow about him that I’m not even sure he carried when Mom was still around. I’ve noticed the creases around his eyes are different even, as though it has very little to do with his age and more likely to do with him smiling and laughing more. I remember the light in his eyes dimming after Mom left, as though her absence had shut off something inside of him. But now?
I not only see an emotional change within, but a physical one. His gray eyes are shiny like a dime again, and the bags that had taken up residence underneath them are almost nonexistent. I haven’t heard the TV on in the middle of the night in weeks—as though he’s finally figured out how to sleep again after all this time. Whatever is happening for my dad, I can’t help but want that too. It’s contagious, and I can only hope a little bit of his glow will rub off onto me.
My novel currently rests in the hands of my formatter, and then it’s off to my ARC team before it’s ready to officially make its publishing debut. It’s all coming together perfectly. I couldn’t be happier with the direction things are headed. We are shooting for early March, as long as everything goes according to plan. And I know that things often go in the complete opposite direction.
I’m sipping on a late afternoon coffee when my phone rings. Boom boom boom goes my chest. I know in an instant exactly who it is. There’s only one person that has that kind of effect on me right now.
I pick up on the second ring. “Hey,” I say, trying not to sound too eager.
“What are you up to today? I’m sorry we keep missing each other. Do you have plans tonight for New Years Eve? I’d like to see you. I’ll be off today by six and can get you at seven.”
It’s one thing having a conversation over the phone, but a completely different game seeing someone face-to-face. It terrifies me to do it again, yet I want to. I do want to see him again. I’ve never had anyone besides family I’ve wanted to be with when the clock strikes midnight.
“Oh, that’s great. Yeah, I’m not doing anything. I’ll be free this evening… but what about your daughter?” I hedge.
It’s not that I don’t want to see her again, but I’m not used to being around Denver yet. I’m not sure how she feels about me spending time with her dad. To her, I may be nothing more than a semi-famous author who signed her copy of my debut novel. Anyone that has their name stamped on anything in this town is automatically considered famous.
At times it’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that he has a teenage daughter.
“I think she mentioned going over to one of her friend’s houses tonight for dinner and to watch the ball drop on TV, but I could ask her if she’d want to join us. Or I won’t ask if that makes you uncomfortable. I won’t do anything you’re not ready for, Nicki.”
Ugh, so sweet. Sticky, syrupy, sweet.
“I hope you know that,” he adds.
I do. This guy is seriously the sweetest. Is he real? I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I’d mind having her come along, but if she’s already got other plans, I also don’t want to make her feel like she has to say yes. Like I often did when it came to going somewhere with my mom. No to her was a huge letdown, and I don’t want to do that to Marvel. I don’t know anything about her mother, and I’m not here to try and take her place .
“You can ask her if you’d like, I don’t mind either way. I’ll leave it up to you to decide.” I hesitate before adding, “Um, can I ask you something?”
I hear a slight rustling sound coming from his line and wonder if he’s shifting the phone to his other ear.
He answers quickly. “Sure, of course you can.”
“Does she still get to see her mom? What happened with her mom, if you don’t mind me asking?” I realize I’m treading into new territory, but so far he’s been nothing but honest with me.
Denver blows out a whoosh of air from his end, and I worry I’ve asked too much. I wish that I could take it back, but it’s too late.
“She does still keep in touch with her mom, yes. They do video calls once a week, and she spends the summers with her. Her mom doesn’t live here so it’s not the most convenient, but it works alright for them.
“As far as what happened with me and my ex… well, that’s a story I’d rather share in person.”
Of course, I shouldn’t have expected him to offer me everything over the phone.
I nod my head even though I know he can’t see me. “Yes, sorry. That wasn’t fair of me to ask you that. I won’t bring it up again.”
“Nicki, please don’t do that.” He sighs.
“Do what?” I ask.
“Run away,” he says.
“I’m not running away,” I argue as my fingers find their way around a long strand of brown hair, tugging it gently.
“I want to tell you things, but not like this. I want to be with you when I share personal things, that’s all,” he says gently.
I don’t say anything for a moment. But I know he’s right. I don’t mean to run every time I get scared. I panic and my natural reaction is to want to flee. It’s all I’ve done for the last sixteen years.
I spent the first sixteen years of my life taking care of other people. Holding all the messy, broken pieces together. Until one day I suddenly couldn’t hold onto anything anymore. Now, I can’t even hold myself up. I simply don’t know how to.
I’ve gone quiet again, and I’m sure it doesn’t go unnoticed. I sigh and pull together all my bravery. “I like when you share things with me. I’m sorry that I have a hard time doing the same. It’s just me and my dad here and we don’t talk about anything… super deep. But I am trying to get better at it,” I quickly add.
“Trying is all we can do sometimes,” he offers.
“And also when we just ‘show up,’” I remind him from when he’d told me that.
“Yeah, exactly like that. I see you were paying attention.” He laughs softly in my ear and it's the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.
“I do from time to time,” I joke. “Pay attention, that is. Um, so seven o’clock?”
“Yep, I’d love to see you. But only if you want the same. I won’t come if you don’t want me to.”
I can’t help but smile as I chew my lip. Of course I want to see him, if I can quit being a big coward when it comes to expressing how I truly feel. The way he makes me feel when I am with him.
“How are you always so confident?” I challenge him.
“I am when I know what I want,” he remarks, and my cheeks are instantly on fire. It’s a good thing he can’t see me behind the screen right now because I’d be red all over.
“See you soon, Denver.”
“You too, Nicki.”
We both hang up at the same time. I hold the phone tightly to my chest as I flop down backward on my bed. I’ve never felt this way before, but I feel like I could fly. I can’t wait to tell Wendy the next time I see her. She will be over the moon.