40. Then
Then: Valentine’s Day
I don’t know how long I stay here like this. I don’t know much of anything right now. The only thing I know is that Mom isn’t waking up. I’ve pounded and screamed and fought and even yelled at God. Nobody heard my cries. Nobody but me and my mother’s lifeless body. I should do something. I can’t stay here. I’ll either keep crying, screaming, or start throwing up. Or all three.
I should call 9-1-1—that’s what I should do. That’s what I should have done ten, fifteen, twenty minutes ago. I have no clue how long I’ve been like this, but I can’t stay. She’s still my mom, of course, but not really. It’s not the same. I can’t… I can’t look at her and think of the mother I saw earlier this morning. My brain doesn’t know how to go back there.
I shut her door behind me. Did I remember to turn the lights back off? Does it even matter? I should call Dad. He can call the police or whatever he needs to do. Or maybe he’s already on his way home. Do dads have the same type of intuition that they say moms have? Maybe he can sense that something is terribly, terribly wrong. He’ll be here soon. I have to believe that.
Maybe she’s just passed out and someone can come and revive her. Some type of emergency crew, right? Isn’t that what they are for? But she is ice cold and her heart isn’t beating.
I’m starting to panic because I don’t know what to do. My body is urging me to move, move, move— yet, I can’t. I am paralyzed.
Suddenly, I can’t remember where I left my phone. Did I leave it in the bathroom when I came home to take a shower? I am so selfish! If I hadn’t taken a shower first thing, maybe she would have woken up. Maybe she would have been okay. I can’t believe I didn’t check there first. What kind of daughter am I?
I look like an insane person. After five minutes of pointless searching, I start shouting out the only thing that makes sense, because I can’t be rational right now, I need to find my phone.
“Hey, Siri!” I start yelling in every room of the house. Again and again and again.
It’s not until the tenth or eleventh time shouting nonsense in an empty house that a knot forms in my stomach. Please, no. Tell me I didn’t. Tell me I did not leave it in my mother’s room. I don’t want to have to go back in there to get it. I can’t face it all again. I can’t face her again right now, but I don’t think I have a choice.
I crack open the door and quickly scan the room for my phone. I call out to Siri one last time, and she chimes back in a chipper voice at my feet.
Oh, thank God! I quickly grab my phone and slam the door shut again.
I tap the screen and glance down at it. The time reads: 4:41 in dark, bold letters. There are no missed calls from Dad but one message instead. It reads:
Dad
Hey, Sweet P. Excited for our big night tonight. I got caught in another meeting at work, but we should be wrapping up soon. Sorry, I’ll be a little late. You can start dinner without me.
A little late. He promised me he’d be home early tonight. He’d said those exact words to me last night before I’d gone to bed. Not just because of the storm that was heading our way, but because of what this day meant. All that we’d had planned, together. He isn’t on his way home. I am here alone.
Sweet P. Short for Sweet Phoenix. The last two words I’d ever hear come out of my mother’s mouth. A name I never want to hear again.
I am so mad at him right now that I want to throw my phone. What’s the point of having one if the people you are trying to get a hold of don’t answer? Well, screw him !
Without a second thought, I grab a coat and Mom’s keys from the entry table and get in her car. I’m crazy enough to go for a drive right now. 4:45. It’s going to be getting dark out soon. The sun starts setting in about half an hour. But that’s all I need. Scratch that. I don’t have a clue what I need right now. I just know it isn’t this. I can’t be here alone. Alone. I have to go. And nobody is here to stop me from doing it.
There is more snow on the ground than when I first came home, and more is coming down. The glow from the sun is barely visible, clouds are obstructing the view. I know it’s probably really stupid to be driving in this kind of weather, but I couldn’t stay at the house either. Not with Mom… My thoughts trail off. Void. Empty. Numb .
Today was supposed to be for her.
Today was her birthday celebration.
Today was a day that came around every freaking year. What was she thinking ?!
I didn’t even check to see if there were any pills left in the bottle beside her bed. I don’t know if she’d left them there on purpose for someone to find, so nobody would question how she died. Or if she’d taken a few pills too many and hadn’t meant to overdose. What if this was all a mistake and she’d never meant for anything terrible to happen? I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering and always be left with questions I’ll never get answers to. And my mother, a woman of many words, of many notes scattered about our home, left us with nothing. Silence. And that is far worse.
I increase the windshield wiper speed since the snow is coming down heavier now. 4:55. I should turn back around, but then what? I know I’m not thinking straight, but how can I possibly? I’m sixteen, and things like this should never happen. Especially on days like this. On a day when most of the world will be filled with love, romance, and chocolate candy hearts. My heart is nothing but the crushed up pieces at the bottom of the box. This day is forever ruined.
Should I have sucked it up and called the police? Yes. Should I have tried to call Dad again? Also, yes. But I didn’t do either of those things, and here I am driving my mom’s car, which smells just like her, in the middle of a snowstorm. Smart. I didn’t think about what I was doing when I grabbed her keys and pulled out of our driveway. But then again, neither did Mom when it came to a lot of the things she did. Maybe we are more alike than I thought.
No, I take that back, I am nothing like her.
5:00. Any minute Dad will call me, and I can ask him what we should do. I’m terrified. I feel sick to my stomach, when normally at this time we’d be home preparing dinner. Not now. Not tonight. Maybe never. I don’t think I can eat anything ever again .
5:05. Dad still hasn’t called. I can’t erase the image of my mother lying there cold in her bed. It’s forever etched into my brain like a permanent scar.
I don’t have a destination or a plan, I’m just driving. Seeing where the roads or fate takes me. Whichever. Or Dad to tell me to pull myself together and come back home. But he doesn’t. I’m left to my own devices, and to be honest, I’m not too sure that I trust myself. I don’t have anyone left to trust. So, instead, I’m doing what Mom taught me best—to run away.
I turn another corner. Nobody is crazy enough to be driving out in this but me. The roads are starting to get very slick, and every time I come to another stop I have to pump on my breaks. The sun is completely hidden from view now and the sky itself is shifting from a grayish blue to a velvety purple. 5:10. A sure sign this is completely stupid, and I should give up and go home. I can’t remember what I’m trying to accomplish, but whatever it is, isn’t working.
I don’t realize I’m crying until I suddenly can’t see. I swipe quickly at my eyes with my sleeve but it’s no use, more continue to spill out. I don’t have wipers on my eyelids, and can’t swipe the tears away at full speed like I can the windshield. But even the car is having trouble keeping up with the snowfall now. 5:15.
Okay, I really should turn back now. I pump my brakes again, but I can feel my tires starting to slide around. This isn’t good. I’ve driven in snow before, but not like this. Not this much. As much as I hate the thought of going home right now, I don’t have any other choice.
Just then, something starts to make a vibrating sound in the seat next to me. I glance over to the passenger side and see the screen on my phone light up. 5:18. Someone is calling me. It takes me a moment before it fully registers. Dad! Dad is finally calling me.
I don’t have a clue what I’m going to tell him, but I need him right now. He’s all that I have left …
I lean across the seat, still pumping my brakes, and grab my phone. I sit back up in my seat and glance down, ready to swipe to answer— crunch.
Suddenly my ears are ringing. I hear the worst sound imaginable. I hear metal grinding against metal and it’s ten times worse than fingers grating on a chalkboard. It makes my bones rattle. I grind my teeth so hard I start to taste blood. My head slams against the window and everything stops. Even the snow.
Everything in my world slows down to nothing. I can’t see a thing, like I’m caught inside a snow globe. The snow is falling in a thick blanket outside, and there’s a relentless waterfall of tears streaming down my face… no, this is so much worse than I could have imagined. My whole world is being shaken in every direction. Everything fades to black. I pray this time I won’t wake up from this nightmare.