47. Now
Now: March 15th
I end the call and shake my head. Wendy had sent an email to Sam, the director at Grieve and Grow, with details about my upcoming book release. We hadn’t heard anything back this morning, and by noon I’d decided to give her a call. Sometimes all it takes is a simple person-to-person conversation. Only this time, it hadn’t worked out.
“I can’t believe she said no,” I say to Denver who had been close enough to hear the entire thing, even though I hadn’t had it on speaker. We have spent most of the morning looking at various apartments in the neighborhood. I’ve been taking notes at each new place we visit so that, when I go home later, I can make a pros and cons list. Mom’s lists have helped me narrow down some really tough decisions.
I walked outside to the backyard patio of the current place so I could make this call, and now I wish I’d been paying more attention to the landlord sharing details about the property instead .
He comes up beside me and gently rubs my shoulder. “I’m surprised she did. Did she say why?”
I sigh and sit down on one of the steps. The house is built on a hill and the backyard rolls down at a slope. Probably not the best for young kids running around, but I don’t have to consider that prospect for a while. But it’s not entirely crazy to think about. My maternal clock is ticking, and I’m not even married yet. I know myself though. Whatever place I land on, I’ll want to stay there for as long as possible. I need a place I can feel steady in. A place I’ll want to claim as home long-term.
Placing each arm against my legs, I rest my head in my hands, eyes closed. I sense Denver sitting down next to me, and he continues rubbing soft, soothing circles along my back.
“Yeah, she said it has to do with their confidentiality policy. She doesn’t feel right inviting the public into a private space. Which I guess makes sense. I’m just bummed.”
“Hmm, yeah I hadn’t thought of that either. I’m sorry. But hey, I’m sure we’ll figure it out,” he says, trying to reassure me.
I open my eyes and stare off into the distance. My book comes out next Saturday, so finding somewhere now is going to be nearly impossible. I may as well forget it. It isn’t meant to happen.
“Hey,” his voice, deep and pure, reaches me, luring me in. Tugging me to him. I look over at him. His deep, sea-green eyes hold steadfast to mine and I let them.
“It’s going to be okay. We’ll figure this out,” he repeats.
I know he means well and I appreciate that, but I just don’t see how it can happen at this point. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to write off Books and Beyond. I had one bad experience, but that doesn’t mean a second signing would be bad too. There is always room for second chances.
I know what it means to be on the other side of second chances—I’d given plenty of those to my mom. And then to my dad, after he’d come clean with me about his affair and we’d talked about everything. Most people I found it easy to give second chances to; giving them to myself was a different story. One I was still writing.
“I don’t know… it’s only a week away.” I sigh, defeated.
“Leave it to me, okay?” he offers.
It’s too much to ask of him, I couldn’t do that. I shake my head. “No, I can’t ask that of you. That’s too much weight for you to carry.”
He tucks a piece of hair behind my ear. It sends a wave of goosebumps all over my body, and I shiver.
“Believe me, this is nothing. I’ve carried way more than this.” I know exactly what he’s talking about. Tears instantly prick my eyes, and I pull my gaze away from him. He gently tugs my chin back towards him. As if to say, Look at me.
“We both have. We both have carried so much weight. And we had to carry that weight alone. But we’re not alone any longer, and this is nothing. I want to do this for you. Let me help you, Phoenix.”
“Why do you care so much?” I ask, my voice breaking. Doubt is creeping in. Don’t let it…
“Because…” he says, still holding me close to him, “I care about you. Don’t you get that by now? I want you , Phoenix.”
“Nobody besides family has ever wanted me… besides Wendy of course, but she doesn’t exactly count—” I start.
He shakes his head. No?
“I want you.”
“But surely not all?—”
He doesn’t let me finish. “All. Of. You.”
We didn’t rip off each other’s clothes in the middle of the back patio with the realtor standing right inside, but I’m sure it crossed both our minds. It’s not a conversation we’ve had yet, but that’s okay. I’m not exactly ready for that. I’m a virgin and need to work up to the bigger stuff. Obviously, he’s no virgin. He’s been married and has a daughter that he’s raised most of her life, but I’m not sure where he stands in that department. I haven’t been brave enough to talk to him about it yet, but I’m sure it’ll come up at some point.
We have done some heavy making out and touching, but we aren’t in any rush when it comes to each other. I think we both waited what feels like a lifetime to find one another, and so we’re willing to spend the rest of this one discovering what it means to be with one another. When I’m with him everything just feels right .
I do still question myself from time to time, but I am getting better. More confidence, less self-deprecation. I am a work in progress, and so is he. Although, I haven’t found many flaws about Denver yet. Except that he says he snores. I have yet to witness that, but we’ll see how I feel about it then.
Later, after we finish looking at all that we’re going to look at for the afternoon, we are both starving. We end up at a local burger joint and order burgers. I play it safe with the black bean veggie burger and a side of curly fries, while he orders a bleu cheese burger with a fried egg. Maybe after we’ve been dating for a little longer I’ll brave eating the double-stacked BBQ Queen burger that I’ve heard is a fan favorite at this place.
While we wait for our food, he asks me what I thought about the places we’d seen today. I’d taken pictures in each, except for one. We’d both walked in, said a quick “nope,” and walked out. Needless to say, we didn’t need to see the rest. The place had reeked of cigarette smoke and the carpet and walls were stained badly. The place hadn’t been well-cared for at all and would need more TLC than I was willing to give.
“So, what did you think? Any for sures? Any maybes? Any you can cross off your list?” he asks as he takes a sip from his Diet Dr Pepper.
“Definitely some maybes, and I think there might be a few I’m nixing as well. The one we both walked out of is certainly crossed off the list, and I think there may have been one other. But I think I’m mixing them up in my head, and I’ll have to look back through all the pictures later.”
It was a lot of fun doing this with him. I’d been nervous to go with him at first, but he stood back and let me look without pressing his opinions on me. He wanted this to be my decision, and I’m glad he respected that.
“That’s fair. I could see you living in just about any one of them. There is, however, another option…” he says, a sly smile spreading across his face.
What’s he talking about? We’ve seen all the ones we had in mind for today. I don’t have anything else scheduled.
“Another option?” I ask innocently, obviously not getting where he’s heading with this. My stomach pinches with nerves.
“Yeah, my place. Move in with me,” he says so casually that I nearly spit out the drink I was about to swallow.
He wants me to do what? He can’t possibly be serious. Everything about him says he is one hundred percent serious right now. I set my drink back down on the table and lean a little closer to him. “What did you just say?”
“Move in with me.”
Wow, he said it again. He isn’t joking. But what about Marvel? Has he already discussed this with her? We’ve spent all morning looking at place after place, why hasn’t he asked me sooner? How long has he considered this as an option for us?
As if he can read my thoughts he answers me, “Marvel was the one that suggested the idea to me first.”
“You’re kidding.” I deadpan.
“Absolutely not. I’d told her we were apartment hunting today, and she asked why you wouldn’t move in with us already. She wouldn’t joke about something like that. We discussed it and thought it’d be a great idea, on all accounts.”
He’s so sure of this. I wish I had his kind of confidence, but I don’t. I’ve never lived with anyone else before, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. We just got back into a relationship, I don’t want to mess it up now by bringing all my baggage to his front door. I shake my head.
“I’m sorry, but I don’t think so. At least not right now,” I say, dropping my gaze.
“Tell me why. I want to at least hear your reasons. Give me your pros and cons list of why you shouldn’t move in with us,” he says matter-of-factly.
Okay, that’s how he wants it. I’ll shoot him straight then. Wait, what are my reasons?
“Um, okay. Well, con: We haven’t been dating for that long and this is all still so new to me. I’m not sure that I’m ready for that step yet.” It’s the truth at least.
He nods. “Okay, that one’s fair. Continue.”
“Hmm. Con: I don’t cook anymore.”
“That’s fine, I enjoy cooking and I’ve been teaching Marvel more and more. So you’re covered there. Next.”
I try to hide my smile from him. I’m enjoying this little game we’re playing but don’t want to let him in on my little secret. I keep going.
“I don’t have a car, and I don’t drive. I’m pretty inconvenient. I have to be driven everywhere and that can get pretty tiresome,” I offer. Surely that will stop him in his tracks. But do I want it to stop him?
“Nice try. You’d be living with two people who can drive. Marvel’s a great driver, believe it or not. Plus, I’d still help you get around if you were living alone. Living here makes it more convenient. So this is really a pro instead of a con.” He chuckles at this and I smile. He’s good.
“Okay,” he says, taking another drink, “Now for the pros. Go. ”
“Pro: I like you, and it’d be nice waking up to you every morning.” I blush as I say this.
He doesn’t say anything, so I keep going.
“I’ve never felt so drawn to someone before and it feels like I’ve known you for a long time. It doesn’t feel like we met only a couple of months ago. It feels like I’ve known you forever. I know that probably sounds crazy.”
He shakes his head. “No, I don’t think it does. Anything else?”
“I can be real with you. I can fully be myself around you. You take me as I am and don’t try to change me. You accept my flaws, and there are many, but you know them and you came back for me.”
“I won’t run again, Phoenix. I’m here to stay,” he says, and I believe it with all of my heart.
“I know, and that’s the other thing. For the longest time, I ran away from love, safety, and comfort because I didn’t believe that it was something I could have or ever deserved. I still didn’t think I deserved any of those things when I first met you. But little by little, you’ve melted my icy exterior and found my heart. I even tried to run away from you. I didn’t know what any of this was or what any of it meant, and it terrified me. And when I get scared, I run. I don’t want to run away anymore.” Especially not from him .
“Then choose to stay. Stay with me,” he pleads, reaching across the table for my hands.
There’s that word again. Stay. A word that has echoed in my life like a heartbeat. An anthem I’ve had on repeat ever since the day I lost my mom. Maybe this time my head will actually listen to what my heart is telling me. The song it’s been trying to sing for sixteen years now.
Our food hasn’t come yet, so I reach for his hands in return. We both hold on tightly, not wanting to let the other go.
“I need time to consider the possibility of moving in with you, but it’s not because I don’t want to. I just need to think it through,” I say .
“Okay, take your time.”
“Thank you.”
We both say each other's names at the same time again, like we’ve done once before.
“You first.” He laughs.
“No, you.” I laugh back.
“Phoenix… I’m in love with you. I love you.”
I am so taken aback by this that I find myself at a loss for words. But not those words. I never, in a million years, expected to hear them again. And to hear them coming from his mouth. For me. He loves me .
“I love you back,” I whisper across the table to this man, and I mean it with my whole heart.
We sit there grinning at each other.
“What were you going to say?” he asks.
“Nothing that significant.” I grin.
“Like what?”
“Just that I hope our food shows up soon because my stomach is about to start growling.”
He smiles. I can’t get over his smile. His gorgeous, white-as-snow, perfect teeth. With lips I’m dying to kiss again.
Right on cue, our waitress arrives at our table with two steaming hot plates full of food. We look at each other across the table and smile. I can’t remember ever feeling this happy, except when I’d been with my mom.
Denver said he was in love with me. Maybe God has forgiven my sins after all. Maybe I will finally get my happy ending.