Chapter 18
Eighteen
Gentry
“Nothing good comes from staying out late.”
It’s something my father drilled into my head from a young age, and something his father drilled into him.
I didn’t get it when I was younger, especially when I was a teenager and just wanted to go out and do regular things with my friends.
My curfew was always much earlier than when other kids had to be home.
As I’ve gotten older, I assumed his reasoning for being so strict about that was simply to prepare me for ranch life and having to be up before the sun every morning.
But after last night, that age-old saying has a whole new meaning.
After Remington followed me outside at the bar, I should’ve gone home. I knew it at the time, and I know it right now. It was foolish of me to stay.
What was I thinking?
A knock sounds at the front door. I grumble under my breath as I pad barefoot across the hardwood floor. Flicking the deadbolt, I twist the knob and pull open the door.
“Papa!” Tucker says excitedly. “We got donuts!”
“And coffee,” Finn adds, holding up a tray with three to-go cups.
“Daddy got me hot chocolate.”
I step aside, gesturing for them to come in. “Yum, a hot chocolate? Lucky boy.”
Raising an eyebrow as he runs his gaze over me, Finn asks, “Did you just wake up?”
“Not too long ago.”
In the kitchen, Tucker sets the donuts on the counter before ripping himself off a paper towel. “Papa, do you want one? We got the ones you like.”
“It’s after eight.” Don’t remind me. “Are you feelin’ okay?” He makes a show of checking my forehead for a fever.
“I sleep in sometimes.” I shove his hand away, suddenly wishing I was still in bed. “And no, thank you, Grandson. I’ll have one in a little while.”
Finn balks at me. “I have never seen you sleep in that late.”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly sleep in. I don’t bother mentioning how, even though I got out of bed fifteen minutes ago, I’ve been up since about four-thirty.
My mind is a mess, replaying what happened with Remington over and over and fucking over again.
It won’t stop. Images of him on his knees in front of me, how irresistible he looked peering up at me while he unbuckled my pants, and even more so when he pulled himself out and stroked for me to watch.
Dammit.
“Did you come over here just to talk shit?”
“And bring coffee and donuts.” He snorts. “Think that’s mighty kind of me, don’t you?”
I hum, reaching for one of the coffees. Caffeine is exactly what I need.
And maybe a lobotomy.
After Tucker takes his hot chocolate and donut to the dining room, Finn rests his hip against the edge of the counter, watching me with an expression I can’t place. “Last night was a good time,” he finally murmurs, eyes on me over the brim of his cup before taking a sip.
My stomach bottoms out. I don’t know what I would call last night.
An extreme lapse in judgement, yes. Temporary insanity, maybe.
But not a good time. It’s not like I can blame it on the booze because I barely drank anything.
And I’m way too fucking old to be thinking with my dick.
There’s no excuse for what happened. It was inappropriate and wrong on so many levels.
I just… Fuck, I don’t know how or why I let it happen.
Clearing my throat, I say, “Yeah, it was…something.”
“I bet August is hurtin’ this morning.” Finn chuckles. “Hell, I’m hungover just thinkin’ about the number of tequila shots he tossed back.”
I open the dishwasher, needing something to occupy my hands and, hopefully, my mind so my son doesn’t notice that something is off with me. I’m normally pretty good at compartmentalizing shit, but this is different. I’m afraid it’ll be written all over my face if I’m not careful.
“What do y’all have planned for today?” I ask, avoiding eye contact as I transfer the clean mugs to the cabinet.
“Ash is teaching a couple classes today down at the community center, so it’s just the two of us for most of the morning. Tuck wants to go see some new movie, so we may do that. Then maybe grab some lunch.”
Ash is a yoga expert. Truly, I’ve never seen anybody as flexible and nimble as him. He’s tried convincing me to give it a shot—apparently, it’s good for stress and relaxation—but I’m not doing that.
“What’s the movie?”
“Some live-action remake. I can’t remember which one.”
“That’ll be nice.”
Coming up beside me, Finn grabs the plates out of the dishwasher.
We unload the rest of it together, neither of us saying a word.
The silence stretches on between us. It’s stuffy.
Tense. And I can’t tell if it’s because of where my head is at this morning, or if there’s something he wants to talk to me about.
Luckily, I don’t have to wait long to find out because as soon as we finish, Finn heaves a sigh and says, “Hey, can I say somethin’ without it becoming a whole thing?”
I glance at him over the brim of my glasses. “Don’t like the sound of that,” I grumble.
“It’s nothin’ bad,” he says in an attempt to reassure me. It doesn’t work. “Hollis was talkin’ to me about their wedding plans last night, and I don’t know… I got to thinkin’ about you.”
My brows pinch together. “Me?”
“You’ve spent your whole life takin’ care of everything and everyone else. Me and Hollis, the ranch, Mom, before y’all got a divorce. You’ve given up so much for this family, and I don’t think anyone’s ever told you it was okay to want more.”
Where is this coming from?
“What’s gotten into you?” I ask with a forced chuckle. “Since when are you the sentimental type?”
“I just—” He sighs again, running his fingers through his hair like he can’t find the right words. “You’ve been alone since you and Mom split up. Do you ever wish you had somebody else here?”
My throat tightens. This isn’t something we talk about.
Ever. Their mom, June, and I decided to end our marriage after Hollis graduated high school.
It was about as amicable and mature as a divorce can be.
And Finn’s right; I haven’t dated anyone else since then, but not because I’m still pining after their mom, or whatever he thinks is going on here.
It was an intentional choice I made years ago.
Being single is better for me. Less messy.
“I’m just fine by myself.”
Finn folds his arms over his chest, and he glances down at the counter before meeting my gaze again. He looks uncomfortable, which isn’t like him. It makes my heart race.
“I’m just sayin’, you’ve always loved Hollis and I unconditionally.
Always advocated for us to be authentically who we are, no matter what anybody else thought.
You taught us that families come in all shapes and sizes, and that no one version of a family is more ‘normal’ than another.
I just want to make sure you know that Hollis and I love you unconditionally too.
We want nothing more than for you to be happy.
And if happy to you is a quiet, empty house and being by yourself, then great.
But it’s also okay if you want more than that.
We want to see you find love, Dad. After all the love you’ve given us, you deserve to find your person.
You deserve to be loved for who you are. ”
My pulse is a steady beat in my ears, and my mouth is dry. “I know that, Son,” I murmur, my voice rough. “I don’t know where this is comin’ from, but I promise, I’m very happy with my family and my life. I don’t need a partner to find happiness.”
“Okay, but I want you to know that whoever you are, or whoever you may end up loving one day, I want that for you. All of it. And I know Hollis does too.”
I swallow around a golf ball-sized lump in my throat. “Well, thank you, Son.”
Guilt hits me square in the chest. I’m gay, and it’s something I’ve kept hidden my entire life.
My parents never knew when they were still alive, and I’ve never admitted it to my kids.
Not when their mom and I got a divorce, not when they came out to me.
This is something I’ve always known. Keeping it close to my chest has nothing to do with worrying that they’ll treat me differently. I know they won’t.
But I was raised in a very different time than my boys.
Wolf Creek may be sliding more progressive now, but back then, if you were different than what was deemed normal or acceptable, it was an unspoken agreement that you kept it quiet.
My granddaddy was an old, traditional man, raised on strict beliefs set forth by his father and the church.
He wasn’t shy about those beliefs, nor was he shy about his opinions of those who walked a different path in life.
I didn’t agree with his way of thinking, but I did love him and never wanted to disappoint him, which meant hiding my truth.
I’m not ashamed of who I am, but I also don’t feel the need to come out either. I’m single, have been for many years, and never had plans of changing that. But every now and then, guilt creeps in, like right now, and I wonder if keeping this part of me a secret from my kids has been the wrong move.
“Daddy,” Tucker calls out as he runs into the kitchen. “Can we go to the movies now?”
Finn glances at the watch on his wrist and nods. “Yup, we better get goin’.”
“Thanks for the coffee,” I say, an array of emotions swirling around inside me.
“No problem.” As they’re leaving, Finn turns to me and adds, “Also, saw you and Remi leave the bathroom last night. You looked pretty pissed.” Shit. “Y’all get into an argument or somethin’?”
I nearly swallow my own tongue, my stomach lurching into my throat. Shit, shit, shit. As if what happened wasn’t bad enough, Finn saw us leave together. Fuck. Swallowing thickly, I shake my head. “Not an argument,” I mutter. “Remington just bein’ annoyin’, as usual.”
Humor glints in his eyes as a smile curves his mouth. “Mmhmm,” he hums. “Right. Makes sense.” There’s an awkward pause as Finn holds my gaze. The hair on the back of my neck stands on edge. “Alright, well, I’ll talk to ya later,” he finally says before leaving.
Fuck.
Does he know?
No. There’s no way he could know what happened. Well, unless Remington told him, but that’s unlikely, considering he hasn’t said a word about the kiss. Finn doesn’t know. I’m being paranoid, that’s all.
He can’t know.
Nobody can.
And it can never, ever happen again.