Chapter 18
Britain
I’m sitting on the back deck, drinking coffee, soaking up the morning sun. I fully intended to come out here and read Georgia’s notebooks, but instead I’m just forest bathing. It feels peaceful out here. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I’ve found ‘the peace,’ but I have found some happiness. The last couple days with Liam have been blissful. Being with him comes naturally. The awkward bits of most new relationships are just nonexistent with him, like our coexistence meshes perfectly with one another.
I’m waiting for the shoe to drop, though. I don’t know if it’s going to come before my planned departure or when it’s time for me to leave, but I know it’s coming. We haven’t talked in the slightest about the future. I mean, it’s only been two nights since I moved over here from the rental. Ignoring the fact that I’m leaving feels easier than trying to broach the subject with him; it’s too early. If this were any other “normal” dating experience, I would never even entertain the idea of moving in with a guy after two dates, but that doesn’t mean we’re immune to the “future” talks.
I do know he wants me here, but maybe it’s because this whole thing has an expiration date. It’s easy to go all in on five weeks, a lot harder to be all in on a long-distance, long-term, committed relationship. No matter which way I’ve looked at it, I don’t see a solution at the end of this, just a painful goodbye and separating of this fantastical part of our lives. Even knowing all this, I don’t want to stop it. I think of Sandy and what she said about today, that’s all we have, sometimes tomorrow. I can’t live right now for tomorrow, I have to enjoy this time, knowing it’s probably all we’ll have.
I’ll go back to D.C. to keep parenting my children, hopefully guide them into early adulthood, see them off to college, and he’ll be here or in Sonoma, working, doing what he loves. All it will amount to is one of those lifetimes Rose talked about. I can’t escape the feeling that Liam is going to be the heaviest grief I’ll carry. This life with him now will be the greatest weight in my bones. It’s going to hurt like hell and I’m scared. I’m really fucking scared.
Since I’ve just destroyed my own peace with my wandering mind, I flip open a new notebook and start reading,
June 16, 1986
You took me out for the first time tonight. We picked up dinner from the Hofbrau and drove over to the park to eat. It wasn’t fancy, but it was perfect. You were so kind to me, just like you always are. And I’ve never laughed so much, I don’t think, ever. I’ve done a lot of crying lately, but you, you washed away all of that tonight. You asked me what was one thing that always made me happy, and the answer was easy, chocolate ice cream. You said, ‘okay, from now on, I’m the one thing that makes you happy, but if you can’t have me, you can have chocolate ice cream.’ I laughed when you said that, but I already stopped on the way home and picked up a gallon of chocolate ice cream. I know there’s going to be a lot of nights I can’t have you, but hopefully soon. Hopefully I’ll get to trade my ice cream in for you every night.
What is this? It’s clearly Georgia’s handwriting, but I can’t grasp what or who she’s talking about. Is it a friend? A lover? It can’t be my dad, they were already married. Still married at the time she wrote this.
“Do you need more coffee, Bambi?” Liam calls through the sliding door.
“Umm, yeah. Yes, please.” I’m still kind of stunned by this entry. For a minute it brings me back to my childhood and this fantasy I had that Ray Palomino was not my father. As a ten year old, I couldn’t fathom how any father wouldn’t want to be around their child, or how he could want to be around one of his children, but not the other. The only reasonable explanation I could come up with was that I was a love child, between Georgia and some foreign prince who would come get me on my 13th birthday and take me to my home kingdom to prepare me for life as a royal. It was very Princess Diaries.
I still held on to some thread of this fantasy into my 20s when I finally begged Alexander to do DNA testing with me, which only confirmed the ugly truth. Ray Palomino was my father, and he just didn’t want me.
“Babe?” Liam is holding the coffee cup in front of me to take.
“Hmm, sorry. I’m just trying to figure out this last entry.” I tend to not read the notebooks when I’m with Liam. I’ll do it when he’s at work or on calls in the office. I did gift him with the reading of a couple excerpts that were particularly embarrassing from my childhood. Like how I ended up with a cat named Sweat Pee.
June 15, 1994
I gave Britain the cat today. It was love at first sight. She knew instantly what she wanted to name her. We took the kitty to the vet to get it’s shots, and I have learned a few things since then. 1. Britain needs to work on her spelling. And 2. Our she kitty is a he kitty. I started the day thinking we had a cute kitty named Sweetpea, and ended the day with a fierce barn cat named Sweat Pee. That’s what I get for letting Britain fill in its name on the paperwork.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.
“Can I read it to you and you tell me what you think it sounds like? Is that okay?”
“Hit me with it,” he says as he takes a seat, facing me on the outdoor sofa. I read it to him then look up, waiting for his answer. He looks uncomfortable, maybe sharing this was a mistake. I forget he knew Georgia, maybe better than I did. Is this awkward for him?
“I guess I don’t know the full context, but it sounds like she had a date with someone.”
“I thought that, too. She was still married to Ray when she wrote this, but it was before I was born.” I laugh. “Do you know that for most of my childhood I was convinced Ray wasn’t my real father?” His face has drained of color and he definitely looks uncomfortable.
“I didn’t, definitely didn’t know you thought that.”
“Yeah, so much so that I forced my brother to go get DNA testing with me so I could find out for sure. Turns out Ray Palomino is my actual father, and he was just an asshole.”
“Sounds like Ray was definitively your father then.”
“Yeah, unfortunately.” He still looks strange, shocked even.
“So, this is your first time hearing about Georgia potentially having an affair? I mean, your first time reading about it, that is?” he asks, cautiously.
“Yeah, I really didn’t know much about Georgia. I mean, I knew she liked chocolate ice cream, she ate it every night my entire life. I’m just now realizing that if she was eating it as some sort of tribute to this person, that’s tragic.” A shudder runs through me at that thought. She was pining for someone, but who? Liam doesn’t say anything in response, he just rubs my back, seeing how this thought is disturbing me.
“Do you think your mom would know?” I ask.
“I really couldn’t say, baby.” I’ll go down to the cafe next time he goes into work. I think about opening up the notebook to see if there’s more of this mystery, but Liam is in front of me now. The notebook will still be here tomorrow.
“Are you done with your calls?”
“Yup, I’m all yours for the rest of the day.”
“Perfect, what would you normally do on a Saturday? Pretend I’m not here, I don’t exist. What are you going to do for fun?” I’m still trying to get to know him. I know him, but I don't know a lot about him. He can be pretty tight-lipped when I ask him about work, and I think I’ve figured out the reason, but I’m building up the courage to ask him about it one day. Some day. So with that topic not getting me anywhere, I have to try all the other avenues.
“Well, to tell you the truth, I don’t really do anything for ‘fun.’ I don’t golf. I don’t do tennis. I’m not part of a regular poker night. I read, I watch movies. I d-do stuff with people.” I think he was just about to say “date.” I laugh at him.
“You do stuff with people or you ‘do people?’” He blushes a little bit.
“I used to do stuff with people, but now I just do you.” He does ‘do me’ now, at least twice a day. He leans in, bringing me into his side, dropping a kiss on my temple. I know I was joking, but god, I really don’t want to think about him dating another person, let alone people. There it is again, that little green-eyed monster in me. Try not to let it sour your mood, Britain.
“Oh, I also go for boat rides when the weather’s nice. It’s probably nice enough today. Want to?” Does a bear shit in the woods?
“Uh, yeah. I didn’t realize you had a boat. It makes sense, you have a dock, I just hadn’t seen it.”
“Yeah, I keep it down at the marina. Go get ready.” He pushes me to get off the couch and smacks my ass as I stand.
“Oh, I didn’t realize I wasn’t dressy enough for a boat ride.” I’m wearing his sweatshirt he lent me that first morning here and a pair of jean shorts. As long as you stay in the sun, it’s warm enough outside.
“I don’t give a fuck what you wear, Bambi, but you are going to need shoes.”
“Is that what you’re wearing?” He has on jeans and a tight gray t-shirt. His plain t-shirts are like my kryptonite. I always think about him that first night at Colton’s with gray sweatpants and a white tee. I would argue it’s his sexiest look of all.
“Yeah, and a sweatshirt probably.”
“Perfect, I’ll go get my shoes.” I shoot him a smile as I scoop up my coffee cup and notebook.
“Wait, wait, wait,” he calls out to me, “you, stay here, I’ll go get the boat and pick you up.”
“What, why? I wanna go to the marina. They’re probably selling kitschy trucker hats and t-shirts. The girls love that stuff.”
He laughs and says, “I’m just trying to paint a complete picture for you. Sit back down. I’ll be back in like half an hour, meet me down at the dock.” He gets up, giving me a kiss, as he walks back into the house.
“Okay, bye!” I call out to him once he’s nearly out of earshot, and he just laughs again.
Thirty minutes later, I’m at the dock. Sneakers and a Dodgers baseball hat on. As he pulls up, I’m trying not to shit myself. He’s driving a vintage wooden speedboat, just like the ones on my Pinterest board.
“What is this?” I ask wide-eyed.
“The total package,” he says, holding out his arms, well aware of the picture he just painted. I laugh.
“I see, I see it now. I have to admit, it’s quite appealing.”
“This is what was on your Pinterest board, wasn’t it?” he asks.
“Yup.” Almost down to the name on the back of the boat. Lucille. He holds out a hand as he helps me into the passenger seat.
“Why Lucille?”
“Sandy is a big fan of I Love Lucy, so I thought it was fitting.” It’s true, the wood of the boat has a reddish hue and Lucille just sounds good, sounds right. We head out, making our way out of the no-wake zone.
“How long have you had Lucille for?”
“8 years now, she’s my girl.” He pats the hull of the boat as he says it. I just laugh. He’s clearly quite smitten.
“Should I be jealous?” I ask, jokingly. He turns, giving me a deathly serious look.
“There’s no competition when it comes to you.” Oh. We just edge out of the no-wake zone, and he brings the boat steadily to full speed. I have to hold on to my hat to keep it from flying away. The boat bounces over the wake as we cross the lake, the cold spray flying up and misting my hair and face. I love it. I love being on the lake, surrounded by the smell of evergreens and the warm sun. There’s nothing quite like it.
We enter another no-wake zone, and the boat slows considerably. We’re pulling into a long cove that extends the length of a couple football fields. It’s narrow, only wide enough for one boat to drive through safely at a time. There’s nobody else out here, and no cabins or people on the surrounding land. He cuts the engine on the boat, and lets the anchor drop. I look around, wondering what we’re doing.
Liam pulls me on top of him so I’m straddling him on the boat’s bench seat. He’s giving me a mischievous smile, so I lean down and kiss him. He pulls off my hat before it makes contact with his forehead. I lick along his lips and he opens for me, grabbing my hips and pulling me closer so his erection grinds against my sex. I let loose a little moan and he grips me harder. My noise makes him do it again.
I move over, kissing his ear. Running my tongue over the outer edge, then sucking on his earlobe. I hear his breathing hitch as I move lower, kissing and sucking on his neck, occasionally biting. He groans as I let my teeth sink a little harder than the previous times.
“Fuck, Bambi. I want you.” His voice is a low hiss.
“Then take me home and you can have me.”
“Why can’t I have you here?” Seriously?
“1. No condoms. 2. I will need to pee afterwards, and…” I use my hand to demonstrate the lack of a toilet anywhere near.
“What if we just didn’t use a condom, and then I took you straight back home.” Fuck, I hate how wet the thought makes me, but he can’t be serious. It’s one thing to talk about it when we’re role playing or fantasizing, but real life is real.
“You don’t want to do that, Liam. Come on.” I move to get off of him, but he holds me firmly.
“That’s literally exactly what I want to do. I’m not saying we have to or that you have to want to, but I’m letting you know, that is what I want.” I’m stunned, this suddenly feels incredibly serious. Maybe he doesn’t see “us” as having an expiration date. Maybe he’s forgotten I don’t live here and my whole life is back in Virginia.
“I don’t know if you’ve forgotten, but me pregnant would be a logistical nightmare.”
“No, it wouldn’t.” He’s being completely serious. What the hell?
“It’s only been at most a week and a half, more realistically, four days.”
“That doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been waiting for you for a long time.” I’m just sitting there shell-shocked and unmoving. He gently removes me from his lap and I sit back in the passenger seat. His expression has changed, hardened. He pulls up the anchor and wordlessly starts the engine, driving us back out of the cove. He still doesn’t say anything, and I don’t either.