Chapter 20
Britain
May 31, 2023
To Georgia,
It’s been awhile since I’ve written to you now. I always mean to, but then I sit and stare at the paper and don’t know where to start or what to say. But not today. Today I have something to tell you, we’re spreading your ashes at Spearhead Lake, Alex and me. He flew in a couple days ago, and has been recovering from jet lag, but today’s the day.
We both thought you’d like to be here, at the lake. So we’ll be doing it in the afternoon when the sun is at its peak, when it feels the warmest. You’ll be happy to know the weather is absolutely perfect, not a cloud in the sky.
Even though I haven’t written, I’ve still been reading your journals these last four weeks and yet, I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of your “chocolate ice cream” pal or what happened with my father and Alexander. I still have a significant stack left at the bottom of the box, so I will get there eventually, but it’ll likely have to wait till I’m back home.
I leave in less than a week to fly back to Virginia and I thought I’d be dreading it, but I’m starting to look forward to going back. I mostly miss the girls like crazy and can’t wait to see them, but also L and I have been doing so great that I’m not really worried that my leaving will be the end of us. We’ve only talked a little about what it'll be like once I move home, but we’re planning to stay together, that’s the bottom line.
L is actually in Sonoma right now for work, but I’ll see him in a couple days. He didn’t want to leave me, but I felt like this was a good test for the future. To see how we do when we’re apart, and so far, I miss him like crazy and all the feelings I have for him are just as strong. I think we can do this, truly.
I can pretty much say these last weeks have been the happiest of my life, and ending it with spreading your ashes feels really good. There’s still a lot I don't know about your life, but I do feel better knowing you had some happiness, friends, and that you were content. Leaving you at Spearhead just feels like the right thing to do. Hopefully you’re at peace, Georgia. Love you.
-Britain
There’s a gentle knock at the front door. Alexander. “Hey, stranger,” I say in greeting as I open the door. Most people might mean that greeting as a joke, but mine is more truth than anything. Alexander’s changed so much over the last decade. His eyes are dead, and every word seems like a struggle. Maybe it is?
“Hey, sis.” I’d reach to hug him, but he’s carrying the urn with Georgia inside, so I just usher him into the house, closing the door behind us. He lets out a low whistle and says, “This is some rental.” I chuckle a little, but don’t say anything more. My brother and I aren’t close anymore, I can’t really tell him that this isn’t my rental. That I’m just staying with some older man who’s great in bed, and I moved in with him after two dates. Awkward.
“Can I get you anything to drink? Or are you hungry?” I ask, trying to be hospitable. I want to talk to him, get close again, but he’s got a wall up. His entire personality is disinterested.
“Nah, I’m okay. I sort of just want to get this done with, you know?” He asks me, holding up the urn.
“Definitely, I understand. Let’s um, take her out to the dock.” The walk from the house to the dock only takes a couple minutes, through the deck and then down a small hill of stone steps to get there. We both walk all the way out to the furthest point and just stand there. I don’t really know what to do next, quite honestly. I’ve never spread anyone’s ashes before.
“Should we say a couple words? Or…?” I trail off, hoping Alex will pick it up or make a suggestion. He just keeps standing there, though, looking out at the lake, not at me and definitely not at the urn.
“I don’t know, Britain. That’s not really my style.” Right.
“Okay, I guess maybe just say some things in your head and then we can sprinkle her ashes into the water?”
“Sure,” is all he says, but he hands me Georgia’s urn, like he’s already disassociated from her entirely and this is the last chore he’ll ever have to do for her. So I hold my mother’s ashes and I think. The only thing that comes to mind is peace.
Georgia, I hope you found peace after this life. I hope wherever you are, you’re happy. ‘Chocolate ice cream’ happy. And I hope you know I do love you, even though I left. Me leaving, it had everything to do with me and my own problems, not you.
Enjoy the water, Georgia. Enjoy the sunshine, and I’ll try to do the same, okay?
I look over at Alexander, and he hasn’t moved at all, still staring at the lake. Hands held behind his back, his posture prone and stiff. A true soldier, through and through.
“Ready?” He doesn’t respond with an answer, just nods his head as I unscrew the lid off the urn. Inside, is a ziplock bag filled with gray dust. I think of Georgia’s box of notebooks and memories and think about her entire life reduced to one ziplock bag of dust and one box of effects. An entire life boiled down to this. A shudder runs through me at the thought. If I were to go right now, I’d be even less. My kids would be left with a ziplock baggy, money, and not much else. A tear escapes, running off my cheek.
I set the urn on the dock, removing the bag and holding it up between me and Alex. Do we just stick our hand in there and sprinkle bits at a time each? Or do we dump the whole bag out at once and we’re done? I’d probably stand there for eternity, but luckily Alex steps up. He lifts the bag from my hand, pulling out a small bit of dust and rubbing it together between his fingertips. Eventually the dust falls, getting caught in the breeze and flying away. After that, he takes the bag and gently sprinkles her ashes into the water. Little bits at a time. Like seasoning a soup with salt.
He passes the bag back to me and I mimic what he’s just done, except I don’t touch her ashes at all. I’m almost to the end of the bag when Alex stops me.
“Do you think she was happy, Britain?” I’m surprised by his question.
“Well…I think she had happy moments. Times when she experienced happiness. But overall, no, I don’t think she was.” At this moment, I suddenly feel a profound connection with who Georgia was. A woman, a mother, who made choices in life and tried her best, but a happy existence eluded her. It was not in the cards for her, for us.
Alexander nods in agreement. He’s just like her, and like me, too. Haunted.
I go to finish emptying the bag, sending out a silent prayer as the last specs fall to the water. Goodbye, mom. The tears I’ve been trying to hold back break through and I let them fall in silence. I turn to Alexander and see he’s doing the same. I guess he’s not completely dead in there after all.
I wipe the tears away and try again, “Have a drink with me, to Georgia?” He nods in acceptance and I make my way back to the house, slipping the ziplock back into the urn. I’m about to throw it away in the kitchen trash when Alexander stops me.
“I’ll take that back home.” He takes the urn from me, setting it and his keys on the table. Maybe he’s more sentimental than I thought. I grab a couple glasses and pour a couple inches of bourbon into each, handing one over.
We clink our glasses together and say in unison, “To Georgia.” Except I say, “to Georgia,” and Alex says, “rest, Georgia.” Interesting.
“Will you stay in town very long?” I’m sure it was a pain to get here. It’d be worth it to stick around a bit, but Alexander is a mover. He doesn’t like to be stationary for long. He’s still living the army life, even though he’s retired.
“Not sure. The house needs some work. I’m, uh, thinking about selling it.” I wait for the sting to come, from the news of him selling our childhood home, but it doesn’t. I guess it was mostly just my childhood home, and his ‘sometimes home’ when Ray would let him visit. “I was going to run it by you first, so that’s what I’m doing.” Of course.
“I don’t have a problem with it. It’s yours to do what you want with it. Are you moving back to D.C. then?”
“I don’t think so. Not much there for me, you know?” I do know, thinking of his wife and my niece who were killed in a car accident about 13 years ago. There isn’t anything back there except bad memories and a couple headstones.
“Yeah, I know. The girls would love to see you sometime, though. So maybe if you’re headed somewhere warm with a decent hotel, we could come visit?” Most of his trips revolve around some sort of grueling mountain excursion that’s almost always remote and definitely below freezing. I may never understand it. I hope I'll never understand it. Losing a child, that has to be the heaviest grief to carry. I hear the echo of Rose, the weight in his bones, sending a chill down my spine.
He takes a moment before responding. “That’d be nice,” and he drains his glass, getting up to put it in the sink. Guess that means this is goodbye.
“I’m leaving in a couple days, but if you want to get lunch or dinner before I do, just let me know, okay?” I keep trying, but I get that he wants solitude. I can understand that. He nods his head again and heads towards the door, urn and keys in hand. He offers me a half hug and I accept. This is him trying his best, I’m sure.
“Take care, sis.” And he’s out the door.
The nights are finally starting to get a bit warmer here at the lake, so tonight I brought my dinner outside, curling up in a throw blanket on the outdoor sofa. My phone rings and I’m surprised it’s Caroline. She’s normally asleep by now.
“Hi, baby. Everything okay?”
“No,” she says it through a sob. I immediately set down my plate, averting all my focus to her.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” I’m standing now, pacing back and forth in front of the sofa.
“Dad and his, his stupid girlfriend. He took us to dinner tonight to meet her. And well, I guess she’s not his girlfriend anymore, Mom, they’re engaged!” I wasn’t expecting this reaction from her. I feel awful I’m not there to console her.
“Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. She is a nice person, though it might just take some time to get to know her. How did Elodie take it?”
“Oh, they’re best friends! Talked all night about some person on TikTok they both follow.” I laugh inwardly. God, Summer is young. I’m at a loss for what to say. I mean people barely get trained on parenting as it is, aside from those stupid sacks of flour you had to carry around for three days in high school. There’s no guide for how to deal with a teenage daughter who was just introduced to her new step mom who was formerly her dad’s assistant. As Elodie would say, cringe.
“I mean, that’s cool that she’s into TikTok. I know you guys are always trying to talk to me about stuff on there and I never have a clue what you mean.”
“No Mom, it’s not cool. She’s not you.”
“Sweetie, weren’t you just trying to encourage me to date like a month ago?”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean Dad can! This is all his fault. He shouldn’t get to look so happy with her, after he ruined our family. It’s not fair. He’s out dating and enjoying his life, and you’re in California spreading grandma’s ashes, alone!” She sounds hysterical at this point, poor baby. My heart breaks that she thinks our family is ruined, that she also thinks I’m alone. I haven’t told the girls about Liam yet. It just hasn’t felt like the right time.
“Caroline, our family isn’t ruined. I’m still here. Dad is still here. We’re still a team, we’re just adding some players and changing where home base is sometimes, but we’re all still on the same team. We all still love each other.” I can hear her sniffles in the background, but it sounds like she’s coming down from the sobs. “And who knows? Maybe Summer likes roller coasters that go upside down. And then you’ll always have a partner at theme parks! Better yet, maybe she’s actually good at French braids, unlike me, who couldn’t do it if your life depended on it.” I don’t want to oversell it yet. “Please try not to focus on what may have been lost, try and see what you could potentially gain. I wouldn’t have let Dad introduce her to you if I thought she was a bad person. I promise.”
“Ugh, she did have her hair braided into a headband. I spent the entire dinner trying to figure out how she did it.” A laugh bursts free from me at her comment. Of course Summer has great hair, she’s never had postpartum hair loss. Caroline half laughs, half sniffles, too.
“See, that’s the spirit!”
“But Mom, I’m still worried…about you, you know? You’re not upset that Dad’s moved on?”
“Well, no, not really. I was at one point, but it’s something I’m moving past. I’ve had a little bit more time than you to get used to the idea of your dad with someone else. So, no, I’m not upset…and I really don’t want you to worry about me, okay? I, well, I was trying to wait till I was home to tell you, but I actually met someone. Actually, I already knew him, but I’m dating him now.”
“What?! Are you moving out there?”
“What? No! I live in Virginia, with you guys. He and I are going to try to continue seeing each other once I come home, but I’m not planning to move here.”
“Well, I wouldn’t mind living in California, in case you were wondering.”
I laugh again, “Ha! Your dad would love that, I’m sure. But no, your school is in Virginia. So that’s where I’ll be. Okay?”
“What’s his name?”
“Liam.”
“OMG, are you dating Liam Hemsworth?”
“Bahaha, NO! Not everyone in California is a celebrity, sweetie.”
“I know, but I can dream, right?”
“Yes, absolutely, dream away”
“I gotta go, Mom. I’m keeping Reba up, she just gave me the stink eye.”
“Okay, I love you so much.”
“Love you too, Mom. Night.”
“Night, baby.” She ends the call, and I let out a sigh. I miss them so much. I can’t wait to see them. I am excited to go home, but I’m also hesitant. What is it really going to be like once I’m there and Liam is here?
“You told your girls about me?” Fuck.
“Fuck! You just scared the crap out of me. I thought you were coming home tomorrow?”
“I couldn’t wait,” he says as he snuggles in behind me, rubbing his chin on my shoulder.
“Is it okay that I told them?” I ask, not totally sure of the answer. We haven’t talked much about introducing him to them. It’s unspoken that they’ll meet eventually, there’s just no plan in place for doing so.
“Yes. More than okay.”
“You’re glad?” He nods against my shoulder in response. The burning in my belly starts, giving me that feeling I’ve been having so much of lately. He spins me around to face him and kisses me deeply, passionately, stealing my breath. Making me burn.
He releases my mouth, “Did you miss me, Bambi?”
“Mmm hmm.” I nod my head, too. “Did you miss me?”
“Every fucking second,” and he starts sliding down my sweatpants making me laugh.
“That bad, huh?” He only nods, nuzzling my neck as he helps me out of my sweats. He sits down on the outdoor sofa, pulling me down on top of him so I’m straddling him. I’m wearing his sweatshirt and he notices.
“I love coming home and seeing you in my clothes.” I know he loves it, I can feel it throbbing against my sex. I just giggle and lean in for another kiss. I can’t get enough of him, his taste. I’m sucking desperately on his lip, letting little sounds out when he grinds against my panties.
“Should I go get a condom?” I ask him.
“No, I stopped in the kitchen before coming to find you.” He pulls a foil out of his pocket. I’m already drenched. I need him inside me, now. He’s still wearing his suit pants and button down, so I start on his belt buckle, and when I’m done he finishes undoing the pant’s button and zipper. He’s not even wearing underwear right now, he just bursts out of his pants, throbbing as he slides the rubber down his length. I lick my lips. I love his cock so much. I stand up, slipping off my panties, looking around to make sure no one’s watching when I remember there aren’t any neighbors here, just the pine trees.
I climb on top of him, and he positions his head at my entrance as I sink down onto him. He grips my hips tightly and hisses as I drop myself so he’s completely seated in me. God, he feels so fucking good. He releases one of my hips, sliding a hand up the sweatshirt to cup my breast, kneading and squeezing as I begin riding him. He was only gone two nights, but I feel like an addict right now. I’m desperate for him.
I wrap my hands around the back of his neck and lean in for a searing kiss. He’s alternating between thrusting while I grind against him. I desperately want to come, but I also want to play with him a little, let him know he’s not the only one who gets to be in charge. I slow my pace considerably, sliding off him until he’s about to pop out, before inching slowly back down again.
He groans, “Bambi, what are you doing?”
His grip on my hips gets tighter, so I swat away his arms and say, “No touching tonight, baby.” He throws his head back, letting out a groan. When he brings his face back to me he uses both hands to push his hair out of his face, looking exasperated. I continue at this slow pace, sliding up and down on top of him. I’m sucking his neck and reaching around with one hand to play with his balls while the other comes up to rub against where his nipple is beneath his shirt.
“Bambi, please.” That’s right, I want to hear him begging.
“Please what, Liam?” I say with an authoritative tone.
“Please let me touch you.” His hands are white knuckling the sofa cushion as I continue my slow grinds, up and down.
“You can touch, but you can’t come. Do you understand?” His response is just another groan. “Do you understand, Liam?”
“Yes! Yes, I won’t come.”
As soon as I say “Okay,” his hands are all over me. Grabbing and gripping at me. Pulling me onto him to grind my clit against him. My thighs begin clenching and his length is grinding against my inner walls at the perfect angle. I’m going to come. “Don’t you dare come yet,” I warn. He just nods. He slips his hand up my sweatshirt again, pinching my nipple hard, and my orgasm hits me and I’m screaming. I’m biting my lip and riding him as I continue bearing down and clenching him.
“Bambi, please.”
“No,” I tell him, and he just responds with another groan. As soon as my aftershocks begin dying down, I slip off of him and he protests.
“Please Bambi, I need you.” I fall to my knees between his spread legs and slip the condom off, taking him in my mouth. All of him, all at once. He shouts and his hands immediately move into my hair, his grip bringing tears to my eyes. His cock is shuddering in my mouth, I know he’s close. So I grab his balls tightly, and he instantly explodes in my mouth, thrusting into my throat as he cries out my name. I’m sucking on him hard, letting his hot cum run right down my throat until he finally releases my hair and I feel his dick’s convulsing slow down.
I gently release him from my mouth, sliding him out of me. But before I let him go, I swipe my tongue over his tip, getting the last drop of cum off him. I lick my lips before looking up at him. When our eyes lock, the shock is instantaneous. I know without a doubt that I’m in love with him. I look away, trying to find my underwear under the throw we threw off, but before I can start moving things, he grabs my hand and pulls me back down on top of him again.
He kisses me hard, grinding his bare cock against my sex. He’s already hard again, and the feel of him is too much, too tempting. It’d be so easy for him to slip into me right now, to take me again. Fuck, I know he’d feel so fucking good. I’m whimpering from the thought alone. I’m grinding back down on him now, and for a moment I go still, wondering what he would do if I did it. Would he stop me? Or take me, slam me on my back and fuck me hard?
“Liam, I don’t feel like I can stop.” It comes out of me like a whimper, as I rest my head on his shoulder.
“I don’t want you to stop, baby.”
“But, we shouldn’t.” His cock is hovering just outside my entrance.
“Please, Bambi.” The way he calls me Bambi has my core clenching. I fucking love him, I want to feel him. I want him to fill me up when he comes and I want to feel him drip out of me after he fucks me. Ugh, I can’t do it, though. I can’t think about adding another kid to my messy life. I thought I was done having kids. I thought I was done for the last 13 years. I’ve gotten pretty used to the idea that that part of my life was over.
“I, I can’t, babe. I’m sorry,” I finally say since we’re just sitting here with throbbing sexes, dying for each other. I move to get off him and he stops me, gripping both sides of my face with his hands.
“Don’t be sorry, baby. Never. Not for that, okay?” His words ease the tension inside me and I finally move away, even though my body is yearning for him instead.