Chapter Twenty-Five #2
“And I know that,” April said. “But it still happened, and it wouldn’t have if you’d just called me the night Dylan proposed.
Texted. Anything. I want you to be happy.
I’m glad you’re in love and getting married and living in LA where you want to be, doing what you want to do, but I never thought I’d feel so outside of it all. ”
Ramona’s brows dipped.
“I can be happy for you and sad that I don’t feel like your best friend anymore,” April said. “Two things can be true at once.”
“You don’t make it easy, April,” Ramona said.
“You tally everything I do, every missed text, every time I don’t lead the conversation off with a question about your well-being.
And then you take all that hurt and go silent.
You didn’t tell me about you and Daphne.
You didn’t tell me about closing your shop, renting out your house.
God knows what else you’re hiding away for a rainy day. ”
“A rainy day?”
“When it suits you to tell me.”
They both went quiet then, and April knew Ramona was right. All of it. She held a grudge, she knew she did. She tucked hurt feelings away inside of her, taking them out every now and then to croon over them like Gollum and the Precious.
But April was right too, and she could tell Ramona knew it.
And maybe neither one of them was really to blame.
She trusted Ramona, and knew Ramona trusted her.
They’d never do anything to intentionally hurt each other.
For so long, they’d been Apes and Mona. Or Apes and Llama Face.
Or Apes and Ra and Ram and all the nicknames April had called her over the years, a closeness that bordered on dependency, at least on April’s part.
Maybe now, they needed to figure out how to be April and Ramona.
April took a breath and circled around the island to stand next to her best friend.
“Maybe we’re just changing,” she said. “And I think I’ve been really scared of that. Because changing felt like losing.”
Ramona took her hand and squeezed it. “You could never lose me.”
April nodded, squeezed back. “I know that. I do. I just…when I said I felt lost, I didn’t just mean you.”
“I know, honey.”
“And I think, in the past, whenever I’ve felt unsure or things were unclear, you were always the constant.”
Ramona pressed her mouth together, her eyes filling with tears.
“And that’s not fair to you,” April said. “I know that. You’re allowed to change. I wanted you to change, to chase your dreams and get out of Clover Lake, and you did. I never want you to feel guilty for going after it. For being happy.”
Ramona grabbed her other hand, curled them between them.
“But I also don’t think I realized how much things would change,” April said. “And how much I’d miss the way we’d always been.”
“I didn’t realize it either,” Ramona said. “And I didn’t think enough about how it would feel to be in your shoes, with both Olive and me gone. I’ve missed you so much, April. No one can replace you, but I also understand that I had Dylan and a new job and a new city, and you…”
“Had Bob and Bianca,” April said, her voice deadpan.
Ramona laughed, a tear escaping down her cheek. “Don’t forget Penny.”
“I’ve avoided Penny as much as possible so I don’t end up a headline.”
Ramona laughed harder. “Been there.”
April felt like an entire cavern had opened in her chest, her head, everywhere. She hadn’t realized just how much her relationship with Ramona was weighing on her until this moment, until they’d acknowledged it all.
“I want to change with you,” April said. “I want to figure out what you and I are now, not what we’ve always been.”
Ramona smiled. “Me too. But I know you’re my best friend. You always will be, no matter how much either of us has changed or will change in the future.”
April nodded, then wrapped her arms around Ramona. “Agreed.”
They held each other close, and for a while, April completely forgot about what had sent her flying to Ramona’s in the first place. But then Ramona pulled back and sighed, setting her hands on April’s shoulders.
“So,” she said, lifting her brows.
April groaned. “Can we just forget what I said when you opened the door?”
“I don’t think so.”
“I mean, Elena who? Don’t know her.”
Ramona smiled, but in a way that told April she was not going to get away with deflecting quite so easily now.
“Unfortunately,” Ramona said, “we both know her all too well.”
April blew out a big breath, gazing at the coffered ceiling. She stared at the inset lights, counted the large squares created by the molding—nine in all, three across, three down—and thought about Daphne.
Because that was who this was really about.
April didn’t love Elena Watson. Elena was all wrong for her, and she’d known that for a long time.
But the betrayal…that was still there, a fully intact layer around her heart.
That feeling of not being good enough. Not being chosen. Never, ever being the one.
Elena had been April’s partner.
Her almost-wife.
And she’d looked at April and said never mind. Walked away with someone new, someone better, someone sweeter.
Daphne fucking Love.
The tears came suddenly, a flash flood, filling her eyes and spilling out before she could even get her next breath.
“Oh, honey,” Ramona said, sliding her hands down April’s arms and squeezing.
But April wasn’t crying over Elena, or even the fact that she’d left April for Daphne.
No, this was about Daphne herself. Independent from Elena, from April, even, from the Devon.
Just Daphne. Her smile, her laugh, the way she wanted to feel everything, do everything, no matter how long she’d spent afraid of those very same things.
The way she kissed April like no one else in the world mattered or even existed.
How she touched April’s face and whispered against her mouth.
How she talked to Bob in the cutest pet voice April had ever heard, calling him her perfect boy.
The way she painted.
The way she held April’s hand, always tangling them together so two fingers rested between April’s thumb and forefinger.
The way she snored a little when she’d had a drink.
The way it took her a full thirty minutes to wash her hair.
“I think…” April said, then couldn’t get it out. She pressed her lips together, squeezed back the tears. Because she didn’t want to say it. Didn’t want to admit it. Not tonight, when Daphne was talking to their ex right this very second.
The ex who Daphne had only been away from for a little over two months.
The ex who was gorgeous and put together and wealthy and refined.
Still, the truth was the truth, and April knew she was safe here.
No matter what Ramona had said about her and Daphne earlier that night, she was safe.
Besides, Ramona was right—April and Daphne probably weren’t the best idea.
But none of that mattered, because despite how much April had tried to protect herself against this very feeling for the last three years, this kind of vulnerability, here she was.
“I think I might be in love with her,” April finally said, pressing her hands to her warming cheeks.
And Ramona just rubbed April’s arms and nodded. “I know, honey. I know.”