Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter
Twenty-Nine
“April,” Daphne said again, holding April’s hands tight to her chest.
So tight.
Because she had to make April understand. The expression on her face was breaking Daphne’s heart.
But Daphne knew this was right.
She’d spent the last day and a half thinking about this, ever since she’d slipped that beautiful ring off her finger and handed it back to Elena. She’d said no then too, a word that somehow made her come alive, sparked a forever-dormant flame to life in her chest.
“When Elena asked me to marry her,” she said to April now, “I almost said yes.”
April’s brows flickered a little in response, her eyes wide and dark and fathomless.
“I almost said yes,” Daphne went on, “to a woman who threw me out of her apartment with next to nothing. Who’d spent three years breaking me down to a version of myself she preferred. Who went to bed with me in the first place when she was promised to someone else.”
April’s jaw tightened, her fingers twitching, but Daphne had to keep going.
“I almost said yes, because I have no idea who I am, April,” she said, her words coming faster now.
“I’ve wanted a family my entire life. Even before I left home.
My parents spent my first eighteen years trying to break me into a version of myself they preferred.
I spent three years in college breaking myself into a version other people preferred—the queer community, the art community, whoever.
It didn’t matter. If they showed me some attention, some love, I bent and twisted into something they liked. ”
April’s lower lip shook, a tear spilling down her smooth cheek.
“And then Elena came along, and I thought I’d found it,” Daphne said. “But I’d only found another way to change myself for someone else, and I wanted her love—anyone’s love—so badly, I didn’t see it. I never saw it. Not until I met you.”
“Daphne,” April said softly. A whisper.
“No, no, let me get this out,” Daphne said. Her fingers were numb on April’s, but she couldn’t let go. Not yet. “I met you and I met Sasha, and for the first time in my life, I felt like me. But me was a stranger. Slowly, I started getting to know her.”
“And?” April asked.
“I liked her,” Daphne said, her smile small but sure. “I like her a lot. I think I fell in love with her.”
April smiled back. “Good.”
“It is,” Daphne said, then took a deep breath. “But I fell in love with someone else too.”
April tilted her head. “Sasha?”
Daphne laughed, and April laughed too, and that April could make a silly joke in this moment just made Daphne love her all the more.
She untangled their hands and held April’s face close to her own. “You, you idiot.”
April laughed, her fingers soft on Daphne’s wrist. “Oh, good, because I think I fell in love with you too.”
“Really?”
“Really,” April said, and Daphne kissed her then. Soft and sweet, and in that moment, she wanted nothing more than to go deeper, harder, take April back to their cabin and undress her slowly.
But she couldn’t.
She had to do this.
Had to choose herself first.
“But?” April asked when Daphne broke the kiss.
Daphne shook her head. “It’s not a but. It’s…” She exhaled, searching for the right way to say it. “It’s timing.”
April’s brows lowered a little, but she stayed silent.
“I scared myself, April,” Daphne said. “With how close I was to giving in to Elena. To settling for someone safe, someone who didn’t care if I ever changed, ever grew.”
“I’m not Elena.”
“God, no, I know,” Daphne said, kissing April’s forehead. “Never.”
“And if we love each other…” April trailed off, her eyes searching Daphne’s now.
“I love you,” Daphne said firmly. “I do. And I don’t know what that means.
I don’t know what that looks like. I don’t know how to love you without losing myself.
I don’t know how to find myself and love you at the same time.
I’ve never experienced that balance. I’ve spent my entire life loving other people and ignoring myself. And that’s not real love, is it?”
April’s shoulders dropped a little, as though everything that Daphne was trying to say had just settled heavy and true.
“No,” April said, “it’s not.”
“I want to love you well, April Evans,” Daphne said. “That’s the truest thing I know. And I can’t do that right now. I can’t do that until I figure out how to love myself first.”
They were silent after that, standing close, Daphne’s hands cupped around April’s slender neck, her fingers playing in her hair. April held on to Daphne too, her eyes lowered as she processed everything.
And Daphne let her. She let this moody, beautiful, perfect little scorpion take everything in right now, because at least she was here. At least she wasn’t running, wasn’t deflecting.
April was choosing herself too. At least, that was what Daphne hoped. What she wanted more than anything.
“Okay,” April finally said, lifting her eyes to Daphne. “Okay.”
One simple word, so much more to talk about and plan, even, but right now, in this moment, okay was enough.
Okay was a start, and when April pushed up to her tiptoes and wound her arms around Daphne’s shoulders, kissing her and whispering okay against her mouth, Daphne believed it was true.
It would all be okay.
They would be okay.