30. Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty
Nate
It was one in the afternoon when my brothers showed up. All three marched into my place one by one, with matching grim expressions.
“You brought Ruby,” I said as Roman passed.
“Shira needed a break.” Roman patted his baby daughter, who was strapped to his chest facing him. Her eyes were wide and alert, little bubbles of spit on her rosebud lips. “Jonah’s napping, but this one is resisting naps like they’re torture.”
I touched her squishy little cheek. “Just wait, kid. Your uncles are about to bore you to sleep while they lecture me.”
“What makes you think you’re getting lectured?” Ben raised an eyebrow. “Did you do something wrong?”
Adrian scoffed as he flopped onto my couch. “He knows what he did.”
“Who he did,” Ben mumbled, sprawling beside Ade.
After the cryptic text Adrian had sent an hour ago, I’d been expecting this.
“I know,” was all it had said.
I figured this was about one of three things: Louise, my insomnia, or Samantha.
I wasn’t sure which I’d prefer.
None, if I could help it.
Roman clapped my shoulder. “Come on. Sit down. Let’s get this over with.”
I took one armchair, Roman the other. Adrian peered at me from under hooded eyes. Ben looked like he was ready to leap out of his skin.
“You’ve been seeing Sammie, huh?” Ben said.
I nodded, my gaze darting to Adrian. “She told you?”
“Not so much. She was caught in the act.” Before I could ask what he meant, he clarified. “I found her in the elevator this morning. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together; she was coming from your place.”
“Right.” I dragged my fingers through my hair. “We were seeing each other casually, but we’ve ended it.”
“Oh, I know. Sammie spilled that,” Adrian said.
Ben shook his head. “Not cool, man. That’s Adrian’s future wife.”
Adrian slapped his arm. “For the last time, the idea of ever having sex with Samantha repulses me to my core. And from what I’ve heard, sex is an important part of marriage. Right, Roman?”
Roman covered Ruby’s ears. “Very important for me. Not for everyone. Maybe Adrian doesn’t like sex, and that’s okay.”
“I like sex just fine,” Adrian said.
Ben gave him a skeptical look. “Is it weird sex? Like, stuff Sammie doesn’t want to do?”
Roman made a choking sound. “I don’t need to know what kind of weird sex Adrian is into.”
Ben looked back and forth between them before settling on Adrian again. “I’m interested. What weird things are you into that freaked Sammie out?”
“You’re being judgmental,” Roman said.
Ben was unfazed. “I’m curious, all right?
Sue me. I mean, I get if Adrian wants her to wear a strap-on and she’s not into that.
It’s kind of tragic when you think about it.
True love with this one thing keeping them apart.
” Ben patted Adrian’s knee. “Couldn’t you give up getting pegged for her? Isn’t she worth it?”
Adrian held up his hands. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. When did this become about me? We’re here to confront Nate.”
“I’m okay with continuing Ben’s line of questioning,” I piped in.
Ben nodded. “Answer the question, Ade.”
Adrian ignored him. “I think it’s time for Nate to answer some questions.”
Roman refocused on me. “He’s right.”
Admitting defeat, I sighed. “Did this really require an intervention-style visit from all three of you? This could have taken place in the group chat.”
“You would have ignored it,” Roman said.
“I wouldn’t have,” I protested. “I don’t always reply to every single message—of which there are an overwhelming number—”
“I like to talk,” Ben interjected. “If I don’t get my thoughts out in real time, I forget them.”
“Maybe that would be for the best,” Adrian mumbled, earning him another smack.
I went on like neither had said anything, “—but I read everything you guys message, and if there’s something directed toward me, I almost always reply. Besides, even if this did require an in-person discussion, I think it’s between Adrian and me.”
Ben shrugged. “He asked us to be here.”
“I did,” Ade confirmed. “I told them you haven’t been sleeping.”
Roman grew serious, his gaze pinned on me. “That’s not okay, Nate. Both keeping your struggles from us and you not sleeping. That’s not something that can continue long term. We know where it can lead.”
“Which is why I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week to talk about adjusting my medication.”
“Good. That’s really good.” He patted Ruby as she gurgled and rubbed her face against his chest. “You can’t keep your struggles secret. We need to know what’s happening.”
It’d been almost twenty years since it had all gotten to be too much for me. Almost twenty years since Roman had found me half-conscious after I’d shoved pills down my throat. Lucky for me, I didn’t remember much of it beyond flashes of moments.
Roman did.
And all these years later, it still played in Technicolor behind his haunted eyes. Not just today. There’d been many other times I’d find him staring at me and know he was thinking about it.
We both carried it. Different sides of the same coin. The cause and the effect.
Most days, I was glad he’d found me. Some days, I wished he hadn’t.
Not that I didn’t want to be here, I regretted burdening him with those memories—the worries he’d never be free of.
Which was why I didn’t talk about my insomnia or how muted my emotions were.
Seeing the three of them here, though, more worried about my mental health than the fact I’d been sleeping with Adrian’s best friend in secret, my defenses lowered.
“It’s long overdue. I’ve felt…removed from myself for some time now, but keeping up with the status quo has been easier than making a change.”
Ben blew out a heavy puff of breath. “Christ, Natey. I had no idea.”
Adrian sat up, sweeping his narrowed gaze over me. “You’re always calm, steady Nate on the outside. What’s going on inside?”
“For the most part, that’s it. Calm and steady.” I held out my hands. “But there’s more to the human experience than that. I’ve—”
I cut myself off, and Adrian leaned forward, staring hard. He wasn’t having it. “Say it, Nate. Don’t hold back.”
My eyes locked on his. “I’ve gotten peeks of it with Samantha. Like she sends away the fog for pockets of time. Everything is bright and clear. Intense in a way I haven’t felt in a long time.”
He kept staring, and I couldn’t quite decipher the emotions on his face. I didn’t think he was angry, but that was as far as I could read him.
“So it was real?” Roman asked. “You and Sam—it was real?”
I turned to him, half-smiling at Ruby and her tiny, scrunched-up nose. “It could have been. She didn’t want it, though.”
“She doesn’t know what she wants,” Adrian spit out.
“Wait.” Ben sat up straight, his head swiveling between Adrian and me. “Do you mean to tell me Adrian isn’t actually in love with Samantha?”
Adrian rolled his eyes. “No, dude. My answer hasn’t changed any of the thousands of times you’ve asked me.
No torches being carried. No one’s pining.
My lips touched hers one time in the throes of puberty; we both nearly vomited, and that was it.
She’s free to date whoever she wants, including Nate.
God, I wish it were Nate instead of the jackasses she normally chooses. ”
For a split second, I was relieved he felt that way. Almost happy. But it snapped away just as quickly. It wasn’t how Adrian felt that mattered.
“She doesn’t want that.”
“She does. She doesn’t think she can have it,” Adrian replied. “You know her family now. You saw how they were. Those are the people who shaped her definition of love. Now she only wants it if it hurts.”
“I would never hurt her.”
He dropped his chin, his mouth puckering like he’d tasted something bitter. “I know you wouldn’t—that’s exactly why she’s running away.”
“You talked to her.”
It wasn’t a question, but he nodded anyway. “She said she’s leaving you in peace.”
I nearly laughed. “She told me that too.”
“You don’t feel peaceful?” Roman asked, taking Ruby out of her carrier.
“No, not really.” I held my arms out, and he passed me my niece. She was just starting to fuss when he produced a bottle from the diaper bag at his feet and handed it to me. I waved it at her. “Is this what you want, sweetheart?”
Her eyes lit, and she fussed a little harder, squirming in my arms. The moment the nipple hit her lips, she was all business, sucking her mother’s pumped milk down like she hadn’t been fed in weeks.
This should have been peaceful. This tiny, sweet girl who’d never known anything but love and goodness, a solid weight in my arms. I loved her and would die for her, but still, I was removed from it all. I didn’t like it.
“You’re really into her,” Adrian said.
“Yeah.” I kept my eyes on Ruby, who was gripping my finger tight in her little fist. “I’m sorry for keeping it from you. I didn’t think it would become…this.”
“Are you okay?” Roman asked.
“I’m okay,” I assured him, and I meant it. I was disappointed, bummed out, but I wasn’t spiraling. “I don’t like the situation, but there’s not much I can do about it.”
Adrian shot to his feet, walked to the other side of the living room, and knocked his head against the wall. I exchanged glances with my brothers, but all of us shrugged.
“Adrian?” Ben called. “Your head’s hard, but it isn’t a hammer.”
He turned around to face us. “Push her. Sometimes Sammie doesn’t know what’s good for her. You have to push her until she sees sense.”
“I’m not going to push her.”
He groaned at the ceiling. “You’re both hopeless. If it were up to the two of you to continue the human race, we’d be extinct in a generation.”
“You’re the Sammie expert. What do you think he should do?” Roman asked.
“Pursue her, Nate. Don’t back down because she’s scared.” Adrian clasped his hands behind his neck. “She’s got her tail between her legs right now. If you leave her to it, she’ll never get over it. There’s only so far I can push her. You need to be the one who does the rest.”
“Are you sure she wants that?” Ben asked. “Seems like she was pretty decisive, according to Nate.”
“She was,” I confirmed. “She said she couldn’t.”
Ben cocked his head. “Couldn’t or didn’t want to?”
“Couldn’t.”
“Oooh, that’s a whole other ball of wax.” He slapped his hands on his knees. “I’m going to have to agree with Ade. You have to chase after your girl.”
“She’s my girl now? I thought she was Adrian’s.”
He waved me off. “That’s old news. Sammie doesn’t want to peg him. It’ll never work out.”
“I’ve never asked her to peg me,” Adrian mumbled, but not quietly enough.
Ben whooped with delight. “Notice he said he never asked.” His eyebrows jumped up and down. “He didn’t deny he wants it.”
“We’re not talking about my sex life.” Adrian walked over and swooped Ruby right out of my arms. She’d just finished her bottle. I’d been about to burp her on my shoulder, but he took over, placing her on his chest. “You never pat her hard enough.”
Roman tossed him a burp cloth. “You know, now that I think about it, I can see you and Sam together.”
I nodded sharply. “I thought I could too.”
“Push her,” Adrian said. “She’ll come around. You just have to push her.”
I didn’t know if he was right, but I agreed to think about it.
“While you’re here, I suppose I should tell you I’ve been seeing Louise.”
All three of my brothers stopped what they were doing and stared. Then they bombarded me with questions, snapping out of it in unison.
“Why?”
“How many times?”
“What did she say?”
“Why the fuck would you do that?”
“Did you tell her to get lost?”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”
I patiently answered every one, then relayed her explanation for leaving and everything that had come after.
Roman offered to come with me the next time, but I told him he didn’t have to.
Ben stayed firm on his decision of not wanting anything to do with her.
Adrian turned his head in the general direction of her apartment and glared daggers.
They didn’t exactly agree with my choice, but it was all out in the open now.
That closed my intervention, but they didn’t leave. We ordered food, watched a baseball game, and played with Ruby. When she finally conked out, Ben strapped her to his chest and took laps around the living room to keep her asleep.
And for the first time in a while, I was finally able to fully relax. Even though I’d bristled when they’d arrived, this was exactly what I’d needed.
There were times my brothers knew me better than myself.
They pushed when I needed it.
Maybe Adrian was right.
Maybe Sammie needed pushing too.