40. Chapter Forty
Chapter Forty
Samantha
Time stretched and slipped. I didn’t know how long it took Adrian to get up to Nate’s. It felt like an eternity and a blink. But I’d always remember the sound of his anguish when he ran into the bathroom and found Nate curled into himself.
Adrian and I got Nate off the floor and into bed. Nate tried to help. God, did he try. But every movement he made cost him more than he had to give.
Adrian had to make Nate drink water. He held the glass to his brother’s lips, tipping it until water dribbled down his chin.
Any other time, he would have hated that. He was always so put together, quietly meticulous and tidy. Tonight, he didn’t notice or care.
Then Adrian went into the hall to call Roman, and I climbed into bed with Nate. His exhausted body folded into mine, trembling as he buried his face in my neck. His arms barely made it to my shoulders, so I held him doubly hard to make up for it.
I listened to Adrian’s murmurs as he explained the situation to Roman. Words like depression, dehydration, lethargic, and catatonic were little knives, sinking deep. I’d spent weeks coming up with alternative explanations. Stress, grief, too much work, a rough patch. Anything but this.
I couldn’t be in denial any longer. The love of my life was struggling, and I had to help him. My Nate.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he murmured.
“Shhh.” I stroked my fingers up and down his back, biting the inside of my cheek so I didn’t cry. This wasn’t the time. “You’re okay, Natey. I love you so much. You’re going to be okay.”
“Love you, love you, love you,” he said again and again.
I hated this. Nate didn’t deserve to suffer this way. Something was pressing down on him, and I didn’t know how to help him carry it. He could have asked, and I would have figured it out.
But maybe he’d asked in the only way he could, and I’d missed it.
I’d missed it.
Oh, this man. I loved him. I needed him to be okay. We’d deal with whatever we needed to—he just had to keep taking these beautiful, warm, life-giving breaths. Even if it was hard, we’d do it.
“No matter what, Nate, I’m not going anywhere. This won’t scare me away,” I promised. “You’re stuck with me.”
He whimpered against my neck. “I think I need help.”
“I know. We’re going to get you the help you need.”
Adrian stood in the doorway, watching us, his phone hanging listlessly by his side. I’d known him forever, and I’d never seen him look so bereft.
Angry? Sure, daily. Frustrated? Often, and at me. This utter helplessness? Never.
Finally, he said, “Roman’s on it. He knows what to do.”
“Okay.” I closed my eyes, exhaling slowly. “Okay, that’s good.”
Adrian came closer, stopping at the side of the bed behind Nate. He bent down, patting Nate’s shoulder.
“We’re going to get you right. Rome’s finding a place you can go. He’ll be here really soon,” he said as gently as I’d ever heard him speak. When his eyes met mine, I saw my own torment reflected back. This was tearing him to pieces, the same way it was me.
I held out my hand. “Lie down with him. He needs you too.”
For a moment, Adrian looked lost. He glanced around the room, at his brother, then me. I thought he was going to deny my request, but after giving his face a hard scrub, he stretched out behind Nate and threw his arms around him.
“I’ve got you,” Adrian rasped fiercely. “You’re not going anywhere.”
That was how Roman found us. Three in a pile, holding on to Nate for dear life. Like if one of us loosened our grip, we might lose him, and we weren’t willing to find out if that was true.
Roman got Nate into a facility that night. The four of us drove there together, but Adrian and I waited in the reception area while Nate and Roman completed his intake evaluation with a psychiatrist.
Adrian held my hand, and I couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that. Maybe when we were kids. Then again, maybe never.
We sat shoulder to shoulder, neither of us speaking or moving. I stared at a painting of a lighthouse on the opposite wall, wondering if the decorators had thought they were calming.
The longer I stared, the more phallic it became.
Maybe this was a test. If you saw dicks in lighthouses, you needed therapy.
Well, it was confirmed. Sign me up.
I almost laughed, but my heart being carved out of my chest had put a damper on things.
Roman opened the office door and nodded to me. “They’re going to keep him. He wants to say goodbye.”
I was out of my seat before he’d finished speaking, Adrian close behind me.
Not wanting to be rushed, though I already knew I wouldn’t have enough time, I let Adrian hug him first.
When Adrian stepped away, Nate turned to me, defeat curling his shoulders forward. I rushed forward, and this time, it was me burying my face in his neck. His arms were loose around my lower back, but his face dug deep into my hair.
I didn’t know if it was possible to memorize a hug, but I did my best. I soaked up his scent, the feel of him in my arms, his voice telling me he loved me and he was sorry for everything. I didn’t care about those words, just the sound of the man who was saying them.
Pulling back, I cupped his scruffy jaw. “I’m going to see you soon. I’ll be here waiting for you on the other side.”
For the first time tonight, there was a light in his eyes as they bounced over my face. I stood still, letting him study me for as long as he needed.
All too soon, he nodded. “See you later, Sammie.”
That was that. Roman, Adrian, and I walked out of the private clinic, leaving Nate behind, and I’d never felt more wrong in my life. I wanted to run back in, tell them they couldn’t keep him. He belonged to us.
Except the safest place he’d been tonight hadn’t been in my arms. It was in that building.
I’d never hated anything more. Not even Josh.
The three of us stopped outside the doors and huddled together.
Roman had been stoic through it all, and he finally let his ache show.
And Adrian, my grumpy, scowly best friend for life, looked so wounded I would have scooped him up and cradled him if I could.
But I was dealing with my own gut-wrenching anguish.
The best we could do was lean into each other.
Thankfully, neither of them commented on how hard I was crying. I couldn’t seem to stop. Every time I caught my breath, another sob tore through. They let me do it, possibly even shedding a few tears of their own.
Roman was the first to gather himself. Like the caretaker he was, he ushered us into the car and passed out tissues. Then he got into the driver’s seat and let his head fall onto the steering wheel.
“Was this what it was like the first time?” Adrian asked.
“Something like this.” Roman didn’t pick his head up. “I don’t get it. He’s on meds. It was supposed to make him better. I thought he was. I thought…”
“He hid it,” I whispered. “He didn’t want us to know.”
“He’s not supposed to do that,” Adrian muttered. “He knows that.”
“Don’t be angry at him,” I said.
“I’m not. Not at him.” He threw up his hands. “I’m just really fucking angry.”
“Me too.” I reached for him, squeezing his hand hard.
Roman let out a dry laugh. “You know who’s going to be really angry?”
“Benny,” Adrian replied.
“Mmhmm. He would’ve wanted to be here.” Roman dragged his fingers through his hair. “Maybe I should’ve woken him up too.”
“He’ll understand.” I wasn’t as close with Roman, but still, I leaned forward from the back seat to pat his shoulder. “There wasn’t time.”
“Right.” He nodded a few times. “He’s Ben. He’ll get it. But…”
He didn’t have to say anything else. We all got it. Ben would be sad he didn’t get to say goodbye. We’d all be sad. But at least we knew Nate was safe. He was going to get the help we couldn’t give him.
Roman drove to my house, and Adrian got out with me. It went without saying neither of us wanted to be alone.
Inside, I stood in the living room, unsure what to do with myself. Adrian took over, nudging me onto the couch. He flopped down beside me and turned on the TV with a great sigh, flipping to a horror movie we’d watched a dozen times.
A comfort film.
Neither of us watched, but we needed the familiarity.
“I don’t know what to do, buddy,” I said.
“Me either.” His head lolled in my direction. “The worst part is, I’m not sure there’s anything we can do. Not right now.”
“I just want him to be okay.”
“He will be.” He sounded so sure. “He was okay for a long time. This is a setback.”
I shook my head. “If I hadn’t come tonight…”
“But you did. Let’s not go there.” His eyes flicked over me. “I need to say this, though.”
My breath caught. “Do you really?”
“I really think I do.” His brows dipped together, and I braced myself for what was about to come out of his mouth. “This is the worst of Nate. You’ve seen it. Now is the time to bow out if you’re going to. I—I won’t be mad at you.”
I sputtered. “I don’t believe that for a second.”
“Okay, I’ll be mad, but I won’t hold it against you forever.” He exhaled, his gaze pinned to mine. “He’s going to get better, but there’s a chance he could get to this place again. I get it if this is too much. For a lot of people, it would be.”
“It is a lot,” I agreed. “My heart is broken right now.”
“Right.” He nodded a few times and began to look away from me.
“That isn’t what scares me, though.”
“What scares you, buddy?”
“Losing him.”
His mouth pinched. “You won’t.”
“I hope not. I’m not going anywhere, Ade. I’m committed to Nate for as long as he’ll have me. I love him a whole lot; that’s why this hurts so badly.” I rubbed my gritty eye with the back of my hand. “I think I realized I might need some help too.”
His eyebrow winged. “Yeah?”
“I saw him growing distant,” I admitted softly.
“And instead of being concerned, I blamed myself. I thought I was doing something wrong and he was getting tired of me, like all the others. I was so busy gazing at my own navel, I missed what was right in front of me. I don’t want to be this person, Ade. It’s not good for anyone.”
His sigh was so filled with sadness he didn’t have to say anything at all.
And he didn’t.
He opened his arms to me, and I fell right into them.