33. Chapter 33
The pull to go look for Rachel got stronger the longer she was gone. I wasn't sure who I was trying to kid, that I could return to Vandruk by myself. I couldn't even stand being without her for a few fingers' breadths of time.
My astonishment at seeing her in the hallway must have reflected on my face, but mercifully, I caught myself in time. The gallis beside her looked like her spitting image, except that she was a few years older. A beautiful gallis, a promise of how Rachel would look in twenty or thirty years. I liked the idea, despite the stab of pain going through me at that.
Seeing her with her family renewed my fear of Rachel belonging here and not on Vandruk. I had heard her when she said she loved me and Vandruk, but how could I pull her away from everything she had ever known and loved before. It was clear that her family was close and full of love for one another. How could I bring pain to them? How could I live with myself if I did?
I had believed my sister dead for years, the pain of not being with her had been excruciating. I didn't want that for Rachel. Or her family.
Rachel pulled me back into our rooms.
"Your family seems very nice," I said, moving to the window, trying to bring space between us.
She shook her head. "Not again, Ghan-Zahr, please. I love you. I want to be with you."
The tone of her voice made me turn around. It sounded like the human's famous steel. Her expression was just as resolute.
"Rachel," I started, shaking my head. I opened my mouth twice, but no words came out. I just couldn't bring myself to say them.
"I realize we haven't known each other that well, Ghan-Zahr. I realized that when you told Pattie that you had three brothers, I didn't know that." Rachel looked abashed. "That's on me. But I swear to you that I want to get to know you better. I want to hear about your family."
"That's not it, Rachel"." I tried to explain. "How can I say I love you and take you away? Your job? Your family? I watch you with them. You love each other. You be heartbroken not seeing them."
Tears spilled from her eyes, making my heart bleed. "I will miss them." She acknowledged. Followed by, "But I will miss you more." Spoken with so much vehemence it surprised me.
Still, I couldn't stop saying, "Oh, Rachel, I can't take you from them."
"I'm old enough to make that decision myself, thank you very much."
"You are willing to hurt them? All of them?" I shot at her.
Her eyes widened in shock at the realization that this wasn't just about her. "Damn you"." Her fists hit my chest. "Damn you." Again and again, her fists pummeled my chest. I let her exhaust herself until her mind worked through my words. It took longer than I would have anticipated until she exhausted herself.
"Damn you."
"I am sorry, Rachel." I was. I was so, so sorry. For everything. Most of all that I would lose her.
"Shit," she mumbled. She collapsed in my arms, and together, we sank to the ground. She sat sideways on my lap while I held her tightly; every once in a while, I wiped an errant tear from her cheeks. She didn't even seem to notice.
I wasn't sure how long we sat there, but the shadows were getting longer, and the sky began to darken when someone knocked on the door. "Rach?"
Rachel sighed deeply against me. "This isn't over. We need to talk more about this."
I pulled her up with me.
"And for the record"—she pulled me down by my xythrax claw around my neck to kiss me hard—"I love you."
Her words were like a sword straight through my heart. By Vorag, how could I ever let her go?
"Go get the door. They probably want us to get ready for the dinner."
With that, she rushed into our bedroom, and I was left opening the door just like she had commanded. Her sisters Pattie and Nat stood on the other side. Both were dressed prettily in glimmering dresses; their hair was piled up high on their heads, and both giggled at me.
"Hi"." Pattie smiled.
"Where's Rachel?" Nat asked.
"Dressing," I replied, hoping I didn't sound too rude, giving only a one-word reply. But my throat was still choked, and right then, my brain seemed to have taken a break as it didn't want to give me the English words I needed.
"Cool, can we come in? Our parents are busy, and so is Brian. We got ready quicker than we thought. So we decided to spend some time with Rachel." Nat's words spilled out like a waterfall as she squeezed by me.
"Oh wow, your rooms are even bigger than ours," Pattie observed.
"Rach?" Nat called.
"In here," Rachel called back from the bedroom.
"Are you getting ready too?" Nat eyed me up and down.
"Ready?"
"Yeah, you know, suit and tie and all that?" Pattie's hands motioned from me to her clothes.
"This is not… right?" I asked, looking at my pants. They were still clean. We hadn't shed any blood during our takeover.
"It's fine," Nat interceded. "You're fine"." She nodded at me reassuringly.
After they vanished into the bedroom to be with Rachel, I stared at myself in the mirror by the door. Cursing, I remembered watching shows and news on the tablets Carl had given me. A moment's deliberation made me grab the phone, which was still unfamiliar to me, but I knew enough to navigate through it to call Dzur-Khan, to ask him the question I had never expected to ask anybody in my entire life, let alone another khadahr.
"Uhm, what are you planning on wearing?"