Chapter 6 Ghana
One Month Later…
There wasn’t too much shit I feared in life.
When I was younger, I didn’t even fear the monsters that were in my closet. I didn’t fear the voices in my head that told me to do bad shit, and I didn’t fear the thought of losing my life.
But the thought of losing my sister or Nichelle was my fear.
Even the thought of not being the father to the baby was my most challenging and biggest fear.
I told Nichelle not to give the name I chose for her until I knew the truth.
I didn’t want to think of any of that shit, and to not strangle Nich in her sleep, I had been staying with my sister and Ruger.
No matter what she said to me, I knew her ass was lying about fucking that nut-ass nigga.
She had been blowing my phone up with text messages, popping up at my sister’s house and at the bookstore. She didn’t like coming to the shelter since it was so close to the hood, but she would have her cousins or Kaylani pull up on me.
I didn’t have shit to say to her until after those results.
I wouldn’t kill her like I said I would, but she was getting cut the fuck off.
It pained me to think Nich would betray me like that.
I truly loved her ass, and my love didn’t extend to many.
Nichelle knew my struggles, my weaknesses, and how I was coming behind her, regardless of whether I was scared shitless to be a father.
Now, the thought of the baby not being mine hurt a nigga to his core because I’d been struggling with this shit since she first told me, feeling like I wasn’t good enough to be somebody’s daddy. If she didn’t belong to me, the mental battle I had been experiencing would’ve all been for nothing.
“Ghana!” I heard Kenzi call out. I sat out back on their patio, staring into the open space.
My eyes slowly roved over to her. Kenzi hadn’t said much about the situation, but I could tell she was heartbroken too.
She had been excited that we were finally adding to our family, so excited she came a month early just to spend time with Nichelle and me.
She even gave me the two names she thought would keep our grandmother’s legacy alive and represent our motherland—Zuri Zendaya or Zendaya Zuri.
Just the thought of Nichelle playing in my fucking face had me rubbing my temples as I tried to get the shit out of my head.
Kenzi came and sat next to me, taking my hand in hers and looking at me with those sympathetic ass eyes. I hated that shit. I didn’t need her pity.
“She called. She’s in labor.”
“I don’t give a fuck.”
“You do, Ghana. I know you’re hurting, but if this turns out to be your baby, you’d regret not being there to experience her arrival.”
“Kenz, if I go to that hospital and discover she doesn’t belong to me, I’m going to do something bad to Nichelle. I’m going to seriously hurt her ass, so I think it’s best if I stay away.”
Kenz closed her eyes and let out a soft sigh in defeat. “I’m going to go. I’ll stand in on your behalf. I just hate that this is happening.”
“Stranger shit has happened, so I ain’t surprised.”
“She told me to tell you that she loves you and hopes you come.”
“You’ve been talking to her ass?”
“A little.”
“Why? I told you not to talk to that bitch.”
“Ghana—”
“No, Kenzi! You keep trying to fucking help people! Fuck her! She lied to me, fucking cheated on me, and broke my heart after all the shit I’d done for her, and you letting that bitch get in your head!”
“Calm do—”
“Don’t fucking tell me to calm down! You’re my blood. If I don’t fuck with the opps, then you need to fall in line. What part of she broke my fucking heart aren’t you getting? Punda mjinga!” (Stupid ass!)
“Usinipigie kelele, Ghana!” (Don’t fucking yell at me, Ghana!)
“Then stop always giving fucking grace to motherfuckas who are undeserving!”
“Maybe you should learn how to do that. This could very well be my niece, and just because you’re upset with her doesn’t mean I’m going to miss her birth. You’re my brother, and I love you—”
“You don’t love shit. You fucking pity me!
” I sneered. Kenzi recoiled as if I had punched her in her chest. I knew I was reaching, but I was angry, and her going behind my back and talking to that bitch pissed me off.
My sister was a lover. She saw the good in bad motherfuckas .
. . motherfuckas meaning me. She was always there to comfort me when I thought my life was over, when I wanted to take myself off this earth, or when I was down and depressed.
Her love always brought about comfort that I knew I couldn’t get anywhere else until Nichelle.
I didn’t mean to blow up on her, but I needed her to, for once, be on my side when it came to this situation.
I could see the tears welling in her eyes as she looked at me.
The door opened, and Ruger stepped out. “Everything good out here?” he asked, looking between us.
I scoffed, snatching the bottle of Don Julio that sat at my feet, and stood.
“You shouldn’t be drinking while you’re on meds,” Kenzi said, wiping the tears from her eyes.
“You shouldn’t be worried about what the fuck I shouldn’t be doing. Go watch that bitch have another nigga’s baby.”
“Don’t fucking talk to me like that, Ghana! I’ve always been on your side, through your rights and your wrongs! For you to say that I pity you is diabolical. But I guess I should expect that from a diabolical nigga.”
“Yo, fuck you, Kenzi.”
“Aye, go cool ya head, G,” Ruger voiced, walking over to me. “I understand your pain, but you talking real reckless right now.”
“You don’t need to be concerned about how I talk to my sister. This conversation ain’t got shit to do with you.”
“Anything concerning my wife has everything to do with me. You taking your anger and frustrations out on the wrong people, my nigga.”
“Whatever.” I walked away, headed inside the house, then grabbed my keys to my bike.
I felt fucked up for talking to my sister like that.
She didn’t deserve that. Just because I was pissed off about all this shit didn’t mean I could use her as a punching bag.
I knew my sister. She was someone who looked outside of the bigger picture, loved hard, and wanted to believe that Nich wouldn’t betray me like that.
She wanted the baby to be her niece more than I wanted to be a father, so I couldn’t be upset with her for staying in contact with Nichelle until she knew the truth.
I wondered if that was another reason why I couldn’t connect to the baby Nich was about to bring into this fucked-up world.
That little voice in the back of my mind that always told me Nichelle cheated on me the night I went rogue had been a constant in my mind, as well as my passing this disease to my daughter.
Instead of hopping on my bike and leaving, I went out on the front porch and just sat there.
Everything inside of me wanted to go find that bum-ass nigga and take his fucking head off, but in all honesty, I couldn’t be mad at the fuck boy.
Nichelle had to have kept him in the dark about the extent of our relationship.
There was no way he felt it was cool to touch her and give her pet names and shit while I stood right there in his face.
This shit was on Nichelle.
She allowed him to think it was okay for him to be touchy-feely with her, and I was never a dumb nigga when it came to using discernment. They fucked, and the baby could possibly be his.
I sat out on the porch for hours, just thinking and drinking. I knew Nichelle had the baby by now because my phone was going off with alerts from her family. I didn’t bother to open any of them, because I was sure they were wondering where I was.
When I felt like I was at my limit, I capped the bottle just as the front door opened.
Kenzi stepped out and sat down beside me. I looked over at her with her solemn face and slid my hand in hers, interlocking our fingers. She laid her head on my shoulder, and I sighed to release the tension in my chest.
“I’m sorry,” I told her. “I didn’t mean any of that shit I said to you. I was just speaking from a place of hurt and couldn’t control it. You ain’t deserve that shit. I don’t think you pity me, Kenz.
“I just think you love people too hard, and that becomes a big problem. If I ask you to do something, it’s for a reason.”
“I know, Ghana. I know. But she seemed good to you—for you. The only reason I was truly invested is that she’s carrying your baby.” I side-eyed her. She laughed. “You don’t know if it’s not your baby, brother.”
“She cheated on me.”
“You don’t know that either.”
“That time I had an episode, she left the house and was gone all night until the next night. I was feeling fucked up because I was really trying to control myself, but I couldn’t.
I didn’t say shit before, but she grabbed me, and I hit her by mistake.
I was feeling fucked up, so I left her alone, but I knew she would come back.
I set the house up and bought her a few gifts, but when we had sex, she felt different. ”
“Guys can tell?”
“Fuck yeah, we can. I ain’t trying to go into detail with you about that, so ask your man about the difference.
Anyway, that’s when I started questioning a lot of shit.
I ain’t trying to deny my kid just because I’m scared to be a father.
I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself for this day, but no matter how I feel, I ain’t no fuck nigga.
I take care of my responsibilities. Shit, I took care of you.
The only difference is that you weren’t a baby, and I ain’t your father. ”
“I understand that, Ghana. I just don’t want you to count the baby out yet. Let’s just go to the hospital and see for ourselves, and if you feel like you can’t see her, then I’ll do it. I know what to look for.”