Chapter Fourteen
Melissa
January 15, 2025, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
By the time Dani woke from her nap, I was ready to get out of the office. Somehow, the joy I was rewarded with by helping children through their trauma had become more of a chore.
In the two weeks since I had been responsible for Dani, I had done more things around the city than I had in the past ten years I had lived here.
My life in Oklahoma had consisted of school and work. Sure, there were a few friends, a few nights out at the bar, a few brunches on Sunday mornings. But I hadn’t ever really explored the city.
Today, Dani and I were exploring the Oklahoma City Zoo.
This was the third time we had been here. The first two times ended in tears when Dani, who had never seen an animal, was terrified by the size of the large camels and the roar of the lions.
The second time, it was the elephants, and the giraffes.
I guess what they say is true because the third time really was the charm.
I knew the animals frightened her. But I also knew that if she didn’t face this fear, it would further add to her trauma.
So, we walked slowly.
We approached each exhibit with caution and space. Never getting close enough to reach the animals, just to observe them.
We explored the flamingos, the tortoises, the birds. All from a safe distance. When we came upon the rhino, I wholeheartedly agreed with Dani’s assessment that we could look without touching.
Those huge beasts are freaking scary!
Dani still trembled when the lions roared, but she also smiled at the giraffes and the way they moved.
Walking up to the gorilla enclosure, I wasn’t sure how she would react. We were separated from the enormous ape by a thick wall of Plexiglas, and Dani surprised me when she pulled my hand and walked closer.
A huge gorilla with the largest nipples I had ever seen, and that humans were said to have evolved from, sat leaning against the glass with her baby.
I had to admit it was one of the most precious sights I had ever experienced in the animal kingdom. We see puppies and kittens all the time, and while they are no doubt adorable, seeing this tiny monkey that would one day grow up to be the size of a vending machine was pretty awe-inspiring.
The infant lay in its mama’s arms, sleeping. Crouching down to Dani’s level, I pointed at the baby.
“Baby,” I said, making sure Dani understood which animal I meant. Then pressed a hand to her chest and again said, “Baby.”
I did this often with words, hoping she would begin to use them. I said it a third time, using my hands. “Baby.”
When she pointed to the larger gorilla, she looked at me.
“Mama,” I said, my hand pressed to the glass where the gorilla lay crowded against it. I then made the appropriate sign with my hands and repeated, “Mama.”
Dani laid her tiny hand against my chest and looked up at me. My emotions caught in my throat like a lump of clay, when she uttered her first word.
“Mama.”
My nose burned with the tears that formed behind my eyes.
I knew I should correct her. I wasn’t her mom.
Aren’t you, though?
I had the paperwork that said I was.
Danny and Dante had entrusted their most precious gift into my care while they were off doing God knows what. My selfish mind told me the only thought they gave to their daughter was a single text in the evening asking if she was ok.
They didn’t ask about how she was emotionally, or mentally. They didn’t ask about any new things she might be doing. Milestones she had surpassed.
Just assurance that she was safe.
And she was.
With me.
But my heart knew better. I knew they loved her. I knew they believed that whatever they were doing was imperative to keep her safe.
Just like Gunner.
And just like Gunner, they were wrong.
Smiling at Dani, I placed my hand over hers and repeated, “Mama.”
I refused to feel guilty. Every evening, as part of her bedtime routine, I showed Dani pictures of her with her fathers and did the same thing. Repeating the word ‘ Papa ,’ hoping she would learn the word before they came home.
That single word had the power to break me.
Children were resilient. When Danny and Dante returned to retrieve their daughter, they would take her home.
To New York.
She would forget me. She was young enough that, while she might cry for a day or two, not understanding why I was no longer around, the one person she had counted on to never leave her, she would move on quickly once she realized I was never coming back.
But me?
I would never forget her. I was old enough, my mind developed enough to hold onto memories for years.
Today was one of those memories. I would remember this moment for the rest of my life.
I didn’t know if children were in my future. Hell, the only man I ever considered more with, was a man I fucked in a filthy bar bathroom and then ran away from when I couldn’t let go of my distrust and disgust for all things motorcycle related.
My own unresolved trauma might just keep me from settling down.
The connection I felt with Travis was unexplainable. The way my body lit up when his eyes raked over my curves. The way my nerves ignited when I felt his fingertips on my skin.
STOP!
This was not the time or the place to be thinking about a man I had barely even conversed with. Picking up Dani and hefting her onto my hip, we went in search of more experiences.
When we entered the barnyard, her little arms clung to me. But I would not be deterred. The baby goat enclosure was just the place to allow her to face her fear.
The pen held seven Nigerian Dwarf goat babies. They were tiny, the sign indicating they were only a few days old. This exhibit had limited hours the baby goats could be away from their moms, and I had paid a premium for Dani to have this opportunity.
The goats were so much smaller than her little body that I hoped she wouldn’t see them as a threat. I found a small bench in the middle of the pen and sat down, holding her on my lap, facing me.
I kept my arms around her, reminding her I was here and she was safe. I whispered in her ear the word ‘baby’ over and over until she relaxed.
My hand dropped down to pet one of the goats and it nuzzled my hand. Soon, more baby goats noticed we were there and came looking for their own attention.
Curiosity bloomed across Dani’s face, and I smiled. She was hesitant, but she turned her head to follow where the miniature animal bounced off to.
When one of the babies hopped onto the bench, she jumped on my lap and wrapped my arms around her. Assuring her I was here and she was safe with me.
The baby goat nuzzled against my arm and tears formed when Dani reached her hand out tentatively to touch the animal’s nose. Her giggle when the goat’s tongue slipped out and licked her fingers had me smiling so hard my face hurt.
It had been a risk, bringing her here. It could have just as easily ended in a traumatic experience. But life was a series of risks. Every choice that lay in front of us had the capability to enrich our lives or destroy them.
It was Schrodinger’s cat.
Erwin Schrodinger created a thought experiment in quantum mechanics. It illustrated the concept of superposition, where a cat was sealed in a box with a radioactive substance, leaving you to believe the cat was both alive and dead until it was observed.
The absurdity of a cat being both alive and dead was meant to demonstrate the difficulty of applying quantum mechanics to macroscopic objects. Our minds tell us that objects are in one state or the other, not both at once.
It was the same concept with risk. It could pay off, or it could pay out. Like the cat that must be observed to find the answer, the risk must be taken to understand the effect it would have on our lives.
I thought about that as I contemplated the choice I needed to make in my own life. I had been asked about another doctor buying into my practice. Creating a partnership. That was something I knew immediately I was not interested in.
I had never considered having a partner in my practice, except for Haizley. She worked with adults, and I worked with children. We complimented each other. There would never be a case where we needed to compete for a patient.
But she chose to move home to Nebraska, and I stayed here.
It had only been two weeks since I had become Dani’s caretaker, but it was clear that I wanted to have this little girl in my life forever. So, when her fathers returned to claim her and move her to New York, well, there was really only one option for me.
To sell my practice and move to New York.
I could open a new practice there. Maybe even work under Dr. Scott himself. Dante knew him well; I was sure he would be willing to give me a reference. He would understand the importance of not having yet another person ripped out of Dani’s life.
Decision made, Dani and I finished our tour of the zoo and stopped for dinner on the way home. She had her bath and her cookies, as well as her stories and then I put her to bed.
Only this time I didn’t sit on the couch waiting for her to stir. I made a phone call that would change the trajectory of my life.
“Hello?”
“Alastair? It’s Melissa Jefferson. I am sorry to call you so late, but I have a busy day tomorrow and wanted to talk to you about your offer.”
The silence on the phone was deafening as I feared he had changed his mind.
“You want to form a partnership?” he asked. His voice inflection said he was cautiously optimistic. It made sense. He had approached me dozens of times, and I always turned him down.
Dr. Alastair Carrion was a child psychologist as well. He was a decade older than me, and if I was being honest, I believed he thought if we partnered together, we would eventually fall into a relationship and marry. He had hinted at it numerous times.
And while he was a handsome man, he wasn’t my type. What could I say? Studies have shown women gravitate to men like their father. Only I was raised by my brother, so of course my type was the one thing I never wanted to allow into my life again. And Travis fit that bill to a tee.
“No,” I said, and I imagined confusion had him furrowing his brow. “I want you to buy me out.”
“I don’t understand, Melissa.”
“I have had some family issues arise and it looks as though I will be moving out of Oklahoma. You had expressed interest so I thought you might want to buy me out.”
“Well, I had hoped we would be working together,” he confessed. “I think we could be a powerful couple in the mental health world.”
The strength it took not to release the heavy sigh sitting on my chest should qualify me for sainthood.
“I understand, Alastair, but it just isn’t possible. Are you interested?”
The other end of the phone was so silent I had to pull it away and confirm we were still connected, before he finally responded.
“I am.”
“Great, I will call my lawyer tomorrow and have her start the paperwork. Many of my patients are currently with other doctors. Something that was unavoidable, I’m afraid. But I will contact them all and explain the change. As with any practice buy out, they will have the option of returning to you or staying with the doctor they are currently seeing.”
“Are you sure about this, Melissa?”
Gazing down at the video monitor, I watched as Dani began to stir.
“I have never been more sure of anything in my life.”