Chapter Thirty-Six
Melissa
I needed air.
My lungs felt like they were closing in on themselves, making it difficult to breathe. Walking out the front door, I stood on the porch, hands wrapped around the railing, gulping air into my lungs and trying to calm my racing heart.
I knew what this was. When Gunner first left, I had panic attacks often. Being alone for the first time overwhelmed me with all the decisions I was now responsible for, with no one to help me through them.
I remembered the first one. I was so scared, I thought I was having a heart attack. Going to the campus health office, the doctor prescribed me valium. It was a year before I felt like I no longer needed those pills.
I wish I had one now.
A small hand on my back rubbed in circles.
“Breathe, Missy. In and hold.” I did as I was told. Inhaling as much as I could, holding my breath while my best friend counted down for me. “Five... four... three... two... now exhale slowly. Again.”
Three times she walked me through the steps of grounding myself, before I finally remembered my training.
Five things you can see. Green grass, black pavement outside the metal gates, silver and chrome motorcycles lined up in the parking lot, and red Adirondack chairs in the yard.
Four things you can touch. My hands tightened on the wooden railing briefly before letting go and landing on my stomach, feeling the soft fabric of my T-shirt. My fingers tangled into my hair, pulling through the strands before reaching for Haizley’s hand and holding it tight.
Three things you can hear. With my eyes now closed, I concentrated on listening. My breathing was loud in the quiet of the outside. There were no cars, no sounds of traffic to focus on. Instead, there was the rustle of the wind through the trees. The crunch of the boots over rocks as the prospect at the gate walked along the perimeter.
Two things you can smell. Haizley’s perfume. A mixture of coconut and almond. Another scent I couldn’t name, but in my mind was reminiscent of being home in Oklahoma. Something about the air hinting at a coming storm.
One thing you can taste. Bitterness. Resentment. I knew that wasn’t what was meant, but it still had the power to bring me back from the pit of grief that threatened to consume me at the thought of losing Dani.
“Feeling better?”
I nodded, needing just another moment before I could speak. That same bitterness and resentment clogging my throat, but somehow more comforting than what I was feeling when I walked out here.
Bitterness was an old friend I had known for years. Resentment was a comforting blanket wrapped around my shoulders.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“You’re welcome,” my best friend said with a hint of smugness, and I smiled. Haizley didn’t have an arrogant bone in her body, but she had pride. She took pride in the work she put in to getting her degree and her doctorate. There weren’t a lot of psychologists that focused on such a unique specialty.
I knew most of her patients saw her for basic therapy, but she had a few along the way that were specific to her elevated training.
“Let’s get some coffee so I can show you my little town. Maybe now I can convince you to move here. Maybe even convince you to give a couple of bikers a chance to be loved by you.”
“Haizley,” I cautioned.
“Come on.”
She held onto my hand and dragged me to her car. The front door opened, and I looked back, not recognizing the young man walking to his bike.
“He does realize it’s February, right? He’s gonna ride his bike in the cold?” I asked, as he swung his leg over the machine and fired it up. Gunner and Cash had both let me ride on the back of their bikes.
Despite my hatred of all things MC, I missed riding behind them. But February in Arkansas differed vastly from February in Nebraska. There was still snow on the ground for crying out loud.
“Joey grew up here. Today is actually warm compared to how cold it gets.”
“It is only fifty degrees,” I countered.
“Like I said, warm.” Haizley winked before climbing into her car. I followed on the passenger side, and it seemed only minutes had passed before we were pulling up in front of a coffee shop. The prospect pulling up behind us.
“Joey, why don’t you come inside?”
“Um, I’m not sure, Doc.”
“Joey, I would feel much safer if you were inside with us,” Haizley pressed.
Joey looked conflicted as he looked up and down the road. With a heavy sigh, he relented. “Ok, but if I get in trouble—”
“I will take full responsibility,” Haizley assured him.
The parking lot of the coffee shop was on the side of the building. Joey would have had to stand outside without his bike, as there were no spaces out front. Haizley was a bleeding heart, always looking out for everyone. It was one of the many things that made her a great therapist.
“Go sit, and I’ll order,” she said, and I found a seat by the window.
A few moments later, Haizley sat across from me, while Joey sat on the other side of the room, where he could watch both the front and back doors.
I had never really been a part of the club, but Gunner and Cash often talked about their duties when they prospected. I think they forgot I was in the room most of the time.
“So, you have a brother,” Haizley started.
“I do,” I confirmed, focusing on the movement outside the window rather than my friend. She reached across the table, covering my hand with hers.
“Gunner told me what he did, and why. I understand why you hate bikers.”
I couldn’t look at my friend. I kept my gaze on the little bakery across the street. Tears burned the backs of my eyes. She would take his side. Not that there were sides. But I wanted to believe that she wouldn’t just blindly approve of what he had done.
“I understand why he did it,” I began. Licking my lips, trying to moisten the dryness that had engulfed my mouth, making it hard to speak. “But it doesn’t make it ok.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
My eyes snapped to hers then. “What?”
“Did you think I would let him slide? Missy, you know me better than that. I tell people the truth. Not just what they want to hear. Gunner knows he made the wrong choice, but he can’t forgive himself for what happened to you at the clubhouse.”
“He has always been like that. His guilt about the man he found standing over my bed is why he dropped out of high school and later joined the club. Then he used the club to get rid of me.”
“Missy, you know that’s not true. You need to talk to him.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Why?” she asked.
Clamping my lips together, I looked out the window again. I didn’t have an answer for that. Except for the one I didn’t want to admit.
A woman dropped off our drinks, and Haizley introduced her as Audrey. She was someone Haizley went to high school with. I was thankful for the interruption. When she walked away, I cleared my throat and changed the subject.
“You’ve been working with Danny and Dante?”
“I have,” she confirmed, lifting her hot coffee to her lips. Blowing on it before taking a sip.
“What happened to him?” I asked. “I mean, I know about the accident, but what happened after that? Why has he been gone so long?”
Setting her cup on the table, Haizley looked at me. I hadn’t taken a drink of my coffee, just held the cup in my hands, soaking up the warmth, hoping it would thaw the ice in my veins when I brought up Danny.
I knew my feelings and reactions were irrational. But let’s face it, if people weren’t irrational there would be no need for my profession.
“I can’t tell you that.”
“We’re colleagues. We discuss patients all the time. Comparing notes and advising on therapy options.”
“This is different and you know it.”
I did know. I knew I was too close to the situation for her to share anything with me. But it didn’t stop me from asking, hoping she would put our friendship above her career. Which was a bitch move on my part, and I hated myself for it.
I blamed it on my grief. On the emotional rollercoaster I had been on since we left Oklahoma. It was easier to blame your flaws on the situation you found yourself in rather than take accountability for the actions and choices you made in your life.
The truth was, I never should have agreed to keep Dani. It was crossing a line that should never be crossed. But there was no way I would have said no.
“The three of you need to sit down together, and I have already suggested this to Danny and Dante.”
I nodded, my eyes on my coffee cup.
“Missy, I had no idea when I took them on what was going on with you. No knowledge of your connection to them until you showed up at the clubhouse. Hell, I had no knowledge of your connection to the clubhouse.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about my brother.”
“Don’t apologize.” She waved her hand in the air as if what I said wasn’t important. “We didn’t share our secrets. I never told you I was seeing a biker.”
“No, you didn’t.” I laughed. “I would like to hear how that happened. You aren’t exactly what I pictured my brother being into.”
Haizley laughed out loud. “I’ll admit, this has certainly knocked me for a loop. Not that I wasn’t interested. The minute I met him, I wanted to climb him like a tree.”
“Eww, no,” I said, shaking my head and covering my ears, causing her to laugh again, and I smiled.
“I just didn’t expect him to want to settle down. But I love him. The bastard made me fall in love with him by following me around.”
We spent the next hour or so drinking coffee and talking about how my best friend ended up as my brother’s old lady. As she talked about the guys at the clubhouse, she never mentioned Travis, and I knew she was avoiding the elephant in the room.
I wouldn’t complain. I wasn’t ready to talk about him and my growing feelings. I already knew we had a physical connection, but the last two days were something different. He didn’t push me to have sex. Last night, I slept in his arms, but he never made a move; despite telling me he wanted me.
It almost felt like he was courting me. Which sounded ridiculous. A biker courting a woman? Seducing, yes, pressuring even seemed more likely. But the way Travis knew before I did that sleeping without Dani would wreck me. The way he offered to hold me while I cried spoke to something inside me. Something I longed for but wouldn’t voice out loud.
Even the attention he gave Dani felt genuine. Not like a chore required to get into my pants. Be nice to the single mom’s kid and she’ll be a shoo-in . That’s what most men believed.
But that didn’t appear to be what Travis was doing. Then again, he was a biker. And my track record with bikers was currently oh for four.
We left the coffee shop still talking. Not giving much thought to our surroundings. Until we returned to Haizley’s car.
There, on her windshield, tucked under the wiper blade was a note. A familiar feeling swirled around me, and I darted a glance in every direction. Looking for someone or something to explain how I had been found again.
Clocking every car in the lot, I looked for a similar note. One that would explain away what I knew was true. Haizley stepped forward, pulling the note from its confines and opened it.
“What the hell is this?” she asked.
I knew what it was. But I couldn’t speak. The words were frozen in my throat. I believed that coming here would be safe. That whoever had been following me would realize I was connected to the club and would give up.
Which was a silly notion, considering I had been at the Mother Chapter in Little Rock, and I was sure whatever had happened there as I was leaving had to do with me and Dani.
Only I hadn’t told them about that.
“Hey, Doc, everything ok?”
“No, Joey. We need to get back to the clubhouse.” Haizley stood in front of where my feet had been turned to stone. Encased in concrete, making them too heavy to lift. Preventing me from taking a step in the direction of the car. The car that would take me back to safety.
Finally, finding my voice, I asked quietly, “What does it say?”
Haizley opened the note a second time, showing it to me.
I want her back!