Chapter Nine #2
‘Why did you vanish like you did?’ he says.
‘I called you, texted you, emailed you. Left you I don’t even know how many messages.
But you never answered. You ghosted me.’ He laughs cooly at his choice of words.
‘That hurt, Holly. If that’s what you meant to do, good job, it worked.
I had no idea what was happening, no idea what I’d done.
I assumed I scared you away with what I’d said the night before.
How I felt. That it was too much too soon or something.
Celeste said to just give you time. Time turned into two years. ’
I push up onto my knees. ‘I…’ My breath is coming fast. ‘I had my reasons.’
‘Oh yeah? I’d love to finally hear them. For a second there I thought we might actually have had a future together.’
The flimsy dam holding back my anger bursts. ‘A future with the freak , you mean?’
He looks confused. ‘What?’
‘I know what you think of me, Callum. What you really think of me.’
‘And what’s that?’
‘That I’m a freak.’
He rocks back and frowns. ‘I don’t think that. I’ve never thought that.’
‘Oh please. I saw you, Callum. The morning after you’d told me how much you liked me.
You were with that new producer, watching video of me exorcising some ghost. He started laughing, and instead of stopping him, you started laughing too, like I was just a big joke to you.
Then he called me a freak … and… so did you. I heard you, Callum. I heard you.’
Callum’s face is ashen. He looks down, brows bunched, mouth set in a hard line, his eyes flicking right and left. Then he squeezes his eyes shut and drops his head.
‘You were there?’ he whispers.
I think I actually gasp. I wasn’t expecting him to admit it. I was sure he’d tell me I imagined it; I’d half convinced myself that I had.
‘Let me explain,’ he says. He shuffles forward and reaches for me. I quickly move away. ‘It’s not what you think, Holly. I don’t think you’re a freak.’
‘You just admitted it.’
‘I know, but I didn’t mean it. I mean, I know I said what I said, but it’s not what you think.’
‘You might say all the right things to my face, but behind my back…’ My voice hitches.
‘Holly, I swear I just wanted Peter to shut up. I was furious, I couldn’t believe what he said, but I didn’t want to risk pissing him off.
We’d only just started working together.
I know I should have told him to fuck off, but I felt like I had to keep on his good side, and I didn’t know how else to get out of the situation.
So, I just agreed with him, to get him to stop.
’ His pale cheeks are now lit deep crimson, and a dark groove has lodged between his eyes – which are glued to me.
‘But I should have had your back,’ he says.
‘I’m so sorry I didn’t. Holly, I’m sorry. ’
I stare at him, shaking my head. ‘I don’t believe you.’
‘It’s the truth, Holly. I swear. I don’t think you’re a freak.’
I take a deep breath. ‘So you just trashed me to stay on some guy’s good side? How is that better? I would never do that to you.’
He buries his face in his hands. ‘I know you wouldn’t, and I’m so sorry, it was wrong and stupid. But I just wish you’d answered my calls. I could have explained everything. If you’d have just spoken to me…’
‘I was hurt.’
He looks up. ‘Me too.’
It’s as if all the oxygen gets sucked from the room. I can’t breathe and my pulse rages so loud in my ears I have to stop from covering them. Who needs this? Who needs people? The land of the living? Fuck that.
I snatch up my notebook and push off the floor. ‘I should go. I’ll let the manager know I’m leaving early and, um, you can have my notes.’
‘Running again?’ He slides off the bed.
‘I’m not running. I’m choosing not to be here.’
‘Holly, please. Please don’t go.’ He takes a step forward; I shuffle back. ‘Give me another chance. I will make it up to you, I promise. You’re extraordinary. But you’re not a freak, and I am so sorry I ever made you feel like you were.’
I glance at the door. Three steps across the room and I can walk through it and walk away.
Callum moves closer. Slowly reaching out again. He carefully takes my notebook from me.
‘Please stay,’ he says again.
I look up and into his eyes and see hope and fear and pleading. A pang of sorrow throbs heavy in my chest. A weight that I’ve carried for so long. I have two choices. Go or stay. One is sure to make me miserable. The other one might make me miserable… but there’s a possibility it might not.
The warmth of his fingers brushes my hand, and I glance down at his tentative touch. Then, with a deep swallow I choose possibility, and link my fingers through his.
We perch side by side on the edge of his bed.
‘You don’t understand,’ I say. ‘I’ve heard that word for what feels like my entire life. It’s what everyone called me. How everyone sees me. Holly the Freak. Kids chanted it at me at school. Left on notes in my locker. And then you…’
‘I do understand, and I don’t see you like that. I never have.’
‘I want to believe you.’
‘You can.’
I stare down at our hands, his so much bigger than mine, our fingers still entwined.
‘I should have confronted you about what happened,’ I say. ‘I should have called you out on it then and there.’
‘You were hurt,’ he says.
‘Still.’ I shake my head. ‘I could have chosen a better way to handle it.’
‘We both could have chosen a better way.’ He draws a deep breath. ‘So how about this – from now on I won’t be a dick, I’ll always have your back, and we’ll talk and won’t keep things from each other. Do you think that might work for you?’
I lift my face to his and find a gentle smile.
‘Maybe,’ I whisper.
‘Yeah?’
I nod. ‘Okay.’
‘Okay,’ he echoes.
His smile widens and our eyes lock. My heart races, warmth creeping into my cheeks, then… Thump, thump, thump .
Our heads snap to the door.
‘Are you expecting anyone?’ I ask.
‘No. Jase isn’t coming until tomorrow.’ He goes to answer it. ‘Did you order food?’
‘No. But I could probably do with some.’
He peeks through the peephole, turns back to me with a wide grin and flings the door open.
‘Come on in, George,’ he says with a sweep of his arm.
I leap up. ‘Are you kidding me?’
Callum starts laughing. ‘I don’t know. Is he here?’
‘No, but he was. I feel traces of him. What an asshole. I spoke to him about this, too. I told him to leave me alone or—’
‘You spoke to a ghost? But you never speak to ghosts.’
‘I blame you. You made me read the About Your Stay brochure and now I’m talking to well-loved hotel ghosts.’
Callum laughs and it’s throaty and rich, and it lifts my heart just enough to make me roll my eyes and smile.
‘How about I get us some pizza?’ he says.
I nod. ‘Yes, please.’
‘Meat Lover’s?’
‘It’s like you know me.’
‘I do, Holly. I really do.’
I find sanctuary in the shower while Callum orders our food, welcoming the alone time to breathe and think. I’m not sure I can completely excuse what he did, but I do understand it a little, and understanding might help me forgive.
I’ve always felt a tickle of shame for walking away like I did.
Shame for not standing up for myself and storming into that room or picking up one of his many calls and letting him have it.
I don’t think I meant to ghost him. It just worked out that way.
Celeste asked me to at least let her tell him why, but I refused.
I didn’t want to relive it. And then she died, and that was that.
I chose to believe the universe was sending me a message: Stay away from the living and focus on the dead .
Because as much as I loathe the dead, they never seem to hurt me in the way the living do.
I wonder what would have happened if I’d let Celeste explain everything to Callum.
I wonder what would have happened if we’d talked, or if I’d never walked in on that horrible conversation.
Where would we be now? I shake the thought away.
That’s not helpful. At least we’re talking and working together again.
It’ll be good to have someone to speak to who understands my world.
A colleague to share the horrors with. That’s all I need.
Anything else is too dangerous anyway. I only have to think about Celeste to know that.
But, as annoying as it is, I do like Callum. I still like Callum. I don’t feel so other when I’m around him.
Then his words from my dream come flooding back . No matter what happens, you can trust me . I turn off the water and grab a towel. But can I do that?