Chapter Fourteen #2
I’m wide awake now, so I grab my laptop and head down to the lounge to do a little research.
As well as keeping the fire lit, the owner of the bed and breakfast leaves coffee, tea and snacks out for people who arrive late, or for those of us who can’t sleep.
I feel the room for George, relieved to find he’s not here – probably upstairs knocking on doors.
I pour myself an English Breakfast tea, stick a cookie between my teeth and curl up on the couch, flipping open my computer.
‘Night owl?’ a deep voice asks.
I look up with a start. Jason’s leaning in the doorway in trackpants and a hoodie.
‘Oh! You scared me.’ I wipe a splash of tea from my sweatshirt.
‘Mind if I join you?’
I pat the couch in answer. ‘Why aren’t you sleeping?’
‘I’m a little shook about today, I guess.’ He drops heavily onto the cushions beside me. ‘Why aren’t you sleeping?’
‘Curse of the ghost business. I do most of my work at night.’
We sit in silence, staring at the flames crackling in the fireplace.
‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ he eventually says. ‘And my big mouth.’
I laugh. ‘That’s okay. Only, I think it’s better to drip feed that kind of stuff to Callum or he might go all knight in shining armour.’
‘He does have heroic tendencies.’ He shifts a little. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Sure.’
‘It’s personal.’
‘Now I’m worried.’
‘You don’t have to answer but, I’m not crazy am I? You do like Cal, right? And I don’t just mean as a work buddy.’
‘Didn’t we go over this?’
‘Come on, Holly. You’re not fooling me. I doubt you’re even fooling yourself.’
I look away, the heat of the fire mixing with the warmth of the blood quickly rising in my cheeks.
‘Why does it matter to you?’ I ask.
‘Because he’s my friend,’ Jason says, ‘and his happiness is important to me. He likes you, you know.’
‘I know. He doesn’t exactly hide it.’
‘And you…?’
I roll my eyes and nod.
‘So, what’s the problem?’
God. Where do I start? ‘How long have you got?’ I joke.
‘As long as you need,’ he answers sincerely.
‘Do you know about why I stopped working with Callum?’
‘Yep. He told me today. He feels bad about it. Real bad. He knows there’s no excuse for letting you down like that.
But, Holly – and I’m not trying to make you feel bad here – I think you should know that when you ghosted him…
well, you saw his panic today. He has some major abandonment issues going back to his folks.
Once he knew you were okay, the fear turned into confusion and hurt. ’
I wriggle uncomfortably. ‘I meant to call him. To talk to him about what happened. Yell at him or whatever I needed to do.’
‘Then why didn’t you?’
‘Because I was crushed, Jason. Because I didn’t want to hear his excuses, or worse, I didn’t want to confirm that’s what he really thought about me. That I’m a freak…’ I shake my head.
‘Now you’ve heard his side, can you forgive him?’
I chew the inside of my cheek as I think. ‘I’m not sure it matters,’ I eventually say. ‘I can’t have the kind of relationship I think he might want. Or any kind of relationship, really.’
‘Can I ask why?’
My eyes drop to the cup in my hands. ‘If I’m being honest with myself – which, by the way, I really hate doing – I’m scared of getting involved with someone. Maybe terrified is a better word.’
‘At the time, Callum wondered if he’d scared you off. Too fast, too much.’
‘No. It wasn’t that. I wouldn’t have done what I did if I hadn’t overheard him that day. Things were different for me then. Until he blew it.’ I shake my head. ‘I can’t believe you guys talk about this kind of stuff.’
‘We talk about most stuff. We’re like brothers. I’d say I’m closer to Cal than I am to my actual brother.’
‘I have a sister, but we’re not that close. We haven’t been for years.’
‘You can’t fix it?’
‘I probably could. I have a suspicion it’s me keeping us apart.
Same with my dad. They never got used to what I do, and I never got used to feeling different from them.
But I think I could be more understanding, and I want things to be better between us.
Especially with Maggie. We used to have a lot of fun together when we were kids.
’ I sigh at the flash of memories. ‘I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. About being alone and… rats.’
‘Rats? I know a good exterminator if you need one.’
‘They’re metaphorical rats. Never mind. I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this.’
‘Because I asked.’
Smiling, I unfold my legs from under me.
I like Jason. There’s no awkwardness with him.
None of the tension or heightened emotions I always experience around Callum.
Probably because I’m not falling in love with Jason.
The thought startles me so much, my teacup clatters in its saucer.
Oh god . I cover it with my hand and sit perfectly still as I process that thought.
‘You okay there?’ Jason asks.
‘Um, yeah. Just clumsy.’ I put my cup down and steady myself, curl back onto the couch and pull a protective cushion against my chest.
Jason eyeballs me with his bright blue gaze. ‘Why can’t you and Cal give it another go?’
‘Okay,’ I whisper to myself, as much as to him. ‘So…’ I start. ‘My friend died not long after what happened with Callum. You know that, yeah?’
He nods. ‘Celeste. I never met her, but Cal told me about her. You were with her when she died, right?’
The weight of the memory lands with a thud and I sink further into the couch. I haven’t spoken a word about this since I broke the news to Max that his wife was dead. I squeeze the cushion tighter.
‘Celeste called and said she needed to talk,’ I say.
‘She’d had a fight with Max. They were more family to me than my family.
Anyway, the night she called, I didn’t have time to talk because I was about to head out on a job.
So, she said she’d come along. It had been a while since we’d done a spiritual clearing together and…
well… I still don’t really know what happened.
I only know Celeste and Max had fought earlier in the day.
I told her we’d grab a coffee once we were finished and talk about everything then, but she couldn’t stop going on and on about their argument, rehashing every tiny detail. ’
Jason pulls one long leg up under him so he can face me, and pushes his floppy hair back. ‘What was the fight about?’
‘That’s the thing. It didn’t even seem like a big deal to me.
It was something about Thanksgiving and Max accepting an invitation before discussing it with her.
She was so mad at him about it. I kept saying we’d talk later, asking her to be quiet, to keep calm.
If we kept calm, the spirit would be calm.
But she was so wound up, and that energy was pouring out of her.
’ I take a sip of my tea, preparing myself for the next bit. My hands tremble a little.
‘You don’t have to tell me the rest, Holly.’
‘No. I want to. I’ve kept it in for too long.
’ I breathe deep. ‘It happened in a split second. I felt the energy in the room shift and spun around to see the spirit closing in on Celeste. She couldn’t see it, but I could tell she could sense it was there.
She was up against the landing railing trying to steady herself, but in her panic she lost her grip and then her balance and before I could get to her, she toppled over, crashing to the floor below.
By the time I blasted the spirit and got down to her, she was already gone. ’
My hands make white-knuckled fists as I remember my friend lying on that floor broken and bloody. Me helpless as I tried to bring her back. I swallow and it rings in my ears.
‘Then of course there were paramedics and police making everything a million times worse. The owners of the property explained why I was in their house, suffering through the eye rolls from the detectives. I told the police I didn’t see Celeste fall.
I lied. But there was no evidence of it being anything other than an accident.
Ghosts don’t leave evidence. Eventually it was ruled a misadventure. What a word.’
‘God, Holly. I’m so sorry that happened to you, and to her.’
‘But that’s the thing – if she’d been focused on the work instead of on all her relationship stuff, it would never have happened.
’ I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands.
‘Max blamed himself. I tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault.
If it was anyone’s fault it was mine. I didn’t have her back. That was my job.’
My breath hitches, the memories still so clear.
‘He moved back to Australia a couple of months later. I don’t think he could stand it here without her.
We haven’t spoken since. He said he didn’t blame me, but…
’ I drop my head back and squeeze my eyes shut.
‘Celeste shouldn’t have been there. She wasn’t in the right head space.
I should have seen how upset she was. I should have made time for her instead of putting work first. If I’d done that, she’d still be alive. ’
After a long silence, Jason says, ‘Max is right, Holly, it wasn’t your fault. It was an accident.’
‘Which should never have happened. That’s why I can’t get involved with anyone. Emotions cloud everything , and people die.’
‘You don’t really believe that, do you?’
I turn away again and watch the fire, the flames shimmering and dancing behind the grate. I don’t know what I believe anymore.