4 Jude
Jude drove around aimlessly for over an hour. He’d driven down the coast through Swampscott and Lynn, before turning around and heading back toward Salem. He’d set his phone in the holder attached to one of the heating vents, but it never lit up with an incoming message. Not from Cope. Not from Ronan or Fitz telling him what a fucking dumbass he was. Complete and total radio silence.
It was possible Cope hadn’t told anyone what happened between them. He and Ten were good friends, but neither of them shared deep, dark secrets when it came to their marriages. They would commiserate over Jude and Ronan’s varying feats of dumbassery, but when it came to arguments or fights about things that were truly monumental or consequential, each of them kept their own counsel.
On the other hand, Jude and Ronan often shared marriage hardships with each other. Ronan had been the one who talked about his bout with performance anxiety, with Jude telling him tricks he used when he had the same problem. Both men had walked away from the conversation feeling better and more settled, knowing the other had been through the same struggle. But this, what happened earlier at home with Cope, was something Jude was staying quiet about.
He would love to talk to Ronan about what an asshole he’d been, both last night and again this morning, but was too ashamed to dial the number. In all the years he’d known Ten and Ronan, they’d never been through anything serious enough to cause either of them to think it might be time to walk away from the marriage. Right now, Jude wasn’t sure he could say that about himself and Cope.
Prior to coming to Salem and meeting Cope, never once had it crossed Jude’s mind to settle down with one man. His entire adult life had been one continuous party with one night stand after one night stand. Maybe a lucky fucker was booked for a return engagement, but those instances were few and far between. “So many men, so little time,”
had been more than a catchy bumper sticker, it was the mantra Jude lived his life by.
After he’d come to Salem and met Ronan and Tennyson, he’d started seeing that neither of his friends felt like they were missing out on anything by only being with each other. That alone had come as a huge shock to Jude, but the fact that Ronan truly missed Ten when they were apart, blew his mind.
Jude couldn’t think of an instance in his entire life when he’d missed someone. Maybe he’d been lonely from time to time, but that wasn't the same as feeling bereft without the company of a specific person. Over time, Jude learned that finding one man and settling down wasn’t the anchor around his neck he’d thought it would be. In fact, when Cope came along, he was mostly ready to take the plunge and stop seeing other people entirely.
Of course Jude had told Cope all about his colorful past. He tried to be as vague as possible, while hitting the salient points concerning his HIV status – Thankfully negative – and his most recent STI panel – Also, thankfully, negative.
He’d thought it would be hard to give up his seat at the buffet table of men life had to offer, but surprisingly, he’d never once missed the anonymous bathroom sex in the clubs or trying to remember the name of his current one-nighter.
With Cope by his side, Jude had flourished. He’d grown up and taken responsibility for what went on in his life. He committed to Cope and later adopted Wolf and said, “I do.”
They’d bought the house across the street from Ronan when it came on the market. Nursery school applications and episodes of Sesame Street were foremost in Jude’s mind rather than his subscription to porn sites and making sure his bedside table was stock abundantly with condoms and lube. Their family had been complete when they’d adopted Lizbet nearly two years ago. Life had been wonderfully complicated and messy over those last two years. He wouldn’t have traded them for anything in the world. But now, thanks to his asshole behavior, Jude might not have a choice.
Even with a little bit of booze in his system, he’d known he’d been sailing very close to the wind at the policeman’s ball. Jude might be a reformed bad boy, but the one thing he’d never been able to walk away from was the attention others paid to him.
Last night, thanks to the Hannigan case, all eyes had been on Jude. Technically, on Ronan and Fitz too, but the governor herself made sure to single Jude out for his excellent work, same with the lieutenant governor, and Salem’s mayor. It should have been a quick leap for Jude that people would want to get close to the detective who’d been cozied up to three of the most powerful people in the state, but he hadn’t made that connection until it was too late.
Sick of driving around, Jude parked the car at the Salem Willows. He was the only person in the park, which wasn’t a surprise with it being January, the cruelest, and coldest, month of the year. He turned off the engine, leaving the keys in the ignition and got out of the car. The wind off the water instantly chilled him to the bone. Good. Jude needed the slap in the face the weather would provide.
He walked to a bench with a view of Dead Horse Beach and took a seat.
The waves were churned up with a storm approaching from the south.
The weatherman had spoken about an impending nor’easter yesterday morning, but with all that happened last night and this morning, Jude hadn’t caught the latest report.
If the anger of the ocean was any indication, Salem was going to get nailed with snow, high winds, and higher tides.
He made a mental note to stop off at the grocery store and pick up their favorite staples. Pints of ice cream for himself and Cope. A bag of Cool Ranch Doritos for Wolfie, and Lizbet’s “shishies,”
otherwise known as Goldfish crackers.
Maybe his thoughtfulness would help Cope’s temper toward him cool enough so that he could apologize for being a dick-faced asshole last night and again this morning.
Before he could make peace with his husband, Jude needed a reckoning with his past.
Shaking his head, Jude refocused on the events that landed him alone in a park on solitary bench with temperatures hovering around twenty degrees.
Seeing Jerry again had really thrown Jude for a loop.
If he was being honest with himself, and at this point, there was no reason not to, Jude, for the barest moment, had flashed back to his past.
His memories of Jerry flooded his mind.
He’d been one of the few men Jude had seen more than once.
He’d been a hungry lover, giving as good as he got, always making sure Jude came so hard, he nearly blacked out.
Was it a crime for Jude to have looked back on those days fondly? Probably not.
What was a crime was the way Jude had allowed Jerry to be close to him.
He’d known his former lover was flirting with him in the hopes of enticing him away from his husband and with Jude’s fucking consent, the asshole had done just that.
His hands seemed to be everywhere at once and there had been a time or two Jerry’s lips had grazed the sensitive skin near his right ear, when he’d leaned in closer to speak in a tone only Jude and his stupid dick could hear.
It hadn’t taken much for his cock to rise to the occasion, which, now that Jude thought about it was probably the worst part of the night.
The ring on his left hand might announce to the world that he was taken, but his dick had no such constraints placed on it.
All his traitorous prick knew was that there was a chance of getting wet and he was most definitely up for anything.
His mind cast back over the things Cope had said before he’d walked out of the house.
It was obvious his husband was having a crisis of trust.
It sounded very much to Jude like Cope had been questioning his faithfulness.
Jude didn’t blame him one bit.
If the roles had been reversed and Cope had behaved the way Jude had, coming home with a phone number in his pocket and getting suggestive text messages from a man who was not his husband, Jude would be wondering if Cope had broken their vows too.
Jude knew Cope would ask if it had been worth it.
All the attention lavished on him last night, the drinks he’d been given, and reconnecting with a big-dicked former lover.
The answer to that question was a definitive no and not just because his feet were frozen blocks of ice and he couldn’t feel his face.
Cope and the kids were his entire world.
Even being away from them now hurt in a way Jude had never felt before.
His mantra of “so many men, so little time,”
had carried him through his single days, keeping his heart safe from being broken, stomped on, or ripped out of his chest.
In this moment, Jude understood the pain he must have cause so many people over the years.
What Cope was feeling now.
There was helplessness, mixed with soul-crushing regret, and fear.
Stone.
Cold. Fear.
If a stranger had asked Jude yesterday what he was afraid of, Jude would have jokingly mentioned the rising cost of college tuition and Lizbet’s future clothing budget.
Now, the stark reality was that Jude was on the precipice of losing it all.
His husband.
His kids.
His home.
His friends.
His career.
In essence, everything.
Taking a deep breath, Jude realized all was not lost.
He could get back in the car, blast the heater, and drive home to face what he’d done to blow his marriage apart.
He would do whatever it took to make Cope understand this was a one-time fuck up.
That he’d done nothing in the past that would qualify as coming close to breaking his vows.
Then, he’d pray like hell that Cope would be able to see and feel his sincerity.
Jude was willing to do whatever it took to get his marriage back on track.
If it meant sleeping on the couch for a week, or a month, he’d do it gladly, with no complaints.
If Cope wanted to go to counseling, he’d go, no questions asked.
He’d do the work to make sure nothing like this ever happened again.
Feeling refreshed and rejuvenated, Jude knew he had a solid plan for saving his marriage and his family.
As he was about to get up from the frigid bench, he heard footsteps behind him.
Turning, he caught sight of a familiar face.
“What the hell are you doing here?”
Without saying a word, the person approached Jude with a syringe in his hand, seconds later, the needle pierced the skin of neck.
Jude felt his entire body shutting down.
As he wilted, in slow-motion, to the sandy beach, his last thought was that this moment was a scene right out of Dexter .
Jude hoped like hell he didn’t wake up in a room covered in plastic, cling-wrapped to a table, with photographs of his misdeeds surrounding him.