13. Love is a Controlled Substance #2
Killian nods and I clasp my hands in my lap. I’m not sure how to get this conversation started, other than jumping in.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said when we went to lunch. About what really happened to Katherine?”
Though subtle, Killian’s muscles stiffen and his jaw clenches. “What would you like to know, princess?”
“What does it feel like?”
“What does what feel like?” His arms cross his chest as he looks down at me.
“What does it feel like to have a soulmate?”
“Oh.” Killian relaxes slightly. For a moment, he looks far away, lost inside his memories. “It’s hard to put into words.”
“You were so quick to tell me that what I have is a gift, yet having a soulmate makes you and everyone else I’ve ever known with one, speechless. I hope you can understand my confusion.” My tone comes out bitchy, perfectly disguised.
Killian sighs. I can see the truth simmering just beneath the surface. He’s lying. Being with a soulmate is a mind-blowing experience. No part of a mateless life compares. The downside is not having your soulmate. Learning how to live without them after losing them.
It’s enough to drive someone mad.
My gaze shifts to the hole in Killian’s head where his eye should be.
“Fine,” Killian says, pacing the room like a caged tiger in a zoo. “You really want to know what it’s like?”
“I’m just trying to understand this ‘gift’ you say I have. I’m not stupid, Killian. I’ve watched mated couples my whole life. I’ve been an outcast in society since I was a teen. Just give me the truth and I can put the pieces together on my own.”
Killian stops moving. His eye focuses on me like he knows my secret. “It’s worse than a drug. At first, all you can think about is how good you feel. How perfect everything is. With them. Your body feels alive. Hell, even food seems to taste better.”
I swallow hard, feeling the lump in my throat as Killian’s stare bores into me.
“Then the withdrawal creeps in. You want to spend every moment together. Waking and asleep. You don’t want delicious food or breath-taking sunsets.
You want them. And you only want them.” Killian’s upper lip curls and he turns away from me.
“Every moment they aren’t with you, all you feel is nagging worry.
Your worst nightmares run like a carousel through your mind, driving you insane. ”
My heart hammers in my chest, picking up pace as the acidic words tumble from Killian’s lips. I hadn’t gotten to that stage yet, but the conviction in his tone told me I would, whether I was ready for it or not.
“Then one day, the nightmare comes true.” Killian turns to face me again, his tone dropping low.
“Even if it’s old age. One day, one of you wakes up cold and alone.
Your drug ripped away. Then you’re just a shell.
” Silence stretches for a moment. “That’s what it feels like to have a soulmate, princess. ”
I can’t find words, and my throat feels dry and scratchy. “I guess you could call it a gift to dodge that bullet,” I manage.
Killian nods sharply, his chest heaving with deep steadying breaths. For a moment, I saw the man who had shot himself after finding his soulmate dead in the bathtub. The part of him that woke up pissed that he only lost an eye for his efforts.
“You should write articles for the Mateless Times .” I wager a small smirk. “That’s exactly the survivor story we all need to read while taking a shit.”
Killian shoots me a glare, which only makes my smile grow wider. We are momentarily locked in a standoff before Killian folds under the pressure of dark humor. His lips tilt into a crooked smile, erasing years from his face.
“I’ll be sure to get my submission in before the next print runs.”
“I demand a signed copy,” I say. “It will sit in a prized location next to the plunger.”
That comment finishes Killian, and a chuckle of laughter bursts from his lips. The dense air that had surrounded us vanishes, though Killian’s haunted words still swim inside my mind as a stark reminder.
Ghost is always going to be a problem. And I was always damned no matter what I chose.
I need to talk to you.
The letters sink into my arm, and I wait with fluttering nerves for a response. My phone rings a moment later, a call from an unknown number. It’s him.
“Hello?”
“Hello, kitten,” He purrs, sending my body into overdrive.
Heat blossoms between my thighs as though I’ve been reduced to an animal in heat. My desire for him is primal. Uncontrollable. Undeniable. My nipples are hard again. Wanton hussies.
I can hear him breathing, slow and even. Patiently waiting for me to tell him what it is I need so badly.
To say I need him.
“This isn’t going to work, is it?” I say, though my trembling voice betrays my nerves.
The rhythm of his breath catches for a moment, the pattern changing as he remains silent.
“We aren’t going to be able to continue on like this,” I say, gathering every shred of courage I can find. “I’m living a lie, Ghost. One that’s bound to catch up to me. I’m already in too deep when it comes to you. I don’t know what to do.”
“What do you want, kitten?”
I think back to the moment he asked me this same question through text. It wasn’t even that long ago, yet it feels like a lifetime has passed. “I belong with you. We were made for each other. There’s no escaping that. But I have a few ends to tie up.”
“Mmmm,” he purrs through the line, “I like the idea of you tied up.”
A renewed rush of heat travels through my body.
“I just.” I pause, trying to gather the thoughts he so masterfully scattered. “I need.”
“Tell me what you need, kitten.”
I huff. “I need to finish things out with Bill Roman. If I can.” The words rush out of me. Honest. True. Necessary. “It feels like the last notch I need on my police officer belt before I move on to the unknown with you.”
The line goes silent. I can’t even hear him breathing anymore.
“Ghost?”
“You want to be with me?” It’s the softest I have ever heard his tone. Like I said the one thing he wasn’t prepared to hear.
“For fuck's sake—” I sigh. “—of course I do. I mean. You’re my soulmate. We’re supposed to be together. And from what I’ve gathered, now that we’ve found each other, we’re fucked. Seven ways to Sunday. We can keep dancing around it, but we both know what’s inevitable.”
Ghost chuckles. “Go on and tell me, kitten. What’s inevitable?”
“Us,” I say, baffled that he needed me to say it.
“Us. You and me. Together. Living life together. Doing things.” I take a moment to catch my breath.
“I mean, I don’t really want to kill people.
You can keep that as a you thing. But, come on, Ghost. My life is about to change.
Hell, it already is changing. I’m just saying I would like to take one last good run at Bill Roman. ”
“It’s funny,” Ghost says, his tone barely above the sound of a whisper. “You’re practically planning our wedding, and I haven’t even shown you my face.”
I scoff. Something like embarrassment floods through me, heating my cheeks while feeling like a bucket of cold water. “What?”
“Kira, you don’t know the life I live. You don’t know who I am.”
“And whose fault is that?” A fire starts inside me, the heat from my cheeks helping to ignite the rest of me. The parts that grew up mateless. The ones that were told they were nothing.
“What do you want from me, Kira?” The edge in his tone is meant to cut deep. “What kind of life have you envisioned? Whatever it is, I promise I can’t be it.”
“We’ve played this game before, Ghost. It’s getting old. If you really felt that way, you never would have sent your first reply. I’m not the only one fucked here. You can’t stay away from me either.”
I have done my fair share of thinking about Ghost. As much as he loves to get into my head, I have to remember there is power getting inside his as well.
He has emotions too. Even if he likes to pretend he doesn’t.
“What if I need more time to get things… finalized?” he asks.
“I see the trajectory of our paths, Ghost.” My lips tilt into a smile. I hope he can hear it in my tone. “I’m just giving you a timeline. I’m going to take one last crack at Bill Roman. After that, I’m ready to get on with the future.”
I pull the phone away from my ear and end the call. I feel good. Powerful even.
There were things that needed to be said, and I said them. A little, nagging voice in the back of my mind shouts that it was always going to end this way. It didn’t matter that he killed for me. It didn’t matter that I asked him to.
We are soulmates.
We belong to each other.