Chapter 5
Chapter Five
Ripley
I’d struggled and kicked all the way back to the lodge and through the lobby. A few heads turned in our direction, much to my horror, and I’d spotted a few wide grins. I was still kicking and muttering all the way down the hall until Cade opened the door to our suite.
“What the fuck has gotten into you?” I yelled as soon as he put my feet on the floor and I was able to begin to shimmy out of the rough rope.
“Me? What about you? What’s with all the baiting and sass and name-calling? You’ve been acting strange since we got here.”
I knew all that, but I’d hoped I’d done a better job of hiding it.
“That’s no excuse for you to revert back to caveman days!” I answered defensively. I didn’t know why I was so out of sorts. Well… okay, maybe I did, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not with him, of all people.
“That’s not going to fly, Rip. I’m not going to just back down and let you evade my questions. You know me way better than that.”
I did, unfortunately. I knew him better than anyone, and the same could be said for how well he knew me. He was my best friend, my partner, my everything. Only he wasn’t, and he didn’t want to be. Cade Wyatt would never have romantic feelings for me.
He sighed heavily, and the sound unnerved me. “You know what? You’re right. I’m completely out of line, and I have no right to demand anything from you. You don’t answer to me. I’m sorry, honey.”
Wait. What? No.
This was not what I wanted. Not in the slightest. I wanted him to be stubborn and pig headed and spar with me. I needed him to. Why was he backing down so easily? I opened and closed my mouth, trying to form words, only my brain wouldn’t tell my mouth what words to form.
“I’m going to go for a run or something. Unless… you need me for anything?”
Yes, I need you to man the fuck up and handle me like I know you can, I screamed internally, but what I didn't do was say anything to him. Just stood staring like I could telepathically tell him everything I so desperately needed to without having to say it out loud.
He gave me a minute to get my shit together before he gave a nod of his head. “Alright then. I guess I’ll see you later. Or whenever.”
He sounded so defeated. The only time I’d ever heard him like that was when we’d gotten Randy’s diagnosis.
“I’m going to the dungeon later,” I announced randomly.
Cade clenched his jaw and his face hardened.
That’s right. Get mad. Tell me you don’t want me to play with anyone but you.
“I’ve been told everyone here is vetted.” His voice was tight and his words clipped. “It’s been a long time since you played. Just make sure anyone you negotiate with is aware of that, please?”
He didn’t wait for me to respond, just walked out the door and left.
Sighing in frustration, I fell into the love seat behind me and laid my head back and stared up at the ceiling.
“Why are men so dense?” I asked the empty room.
Why is it his job to read your mind? I argued with myself.
Not wanting to sit there and get in my head about things, I snagged the discarded rope from the floor and looped it around my arm like I'd seen Cade do a bazillion times. I could not sit in that room and think. I needed to be outside. Preferably around animals. The cuter the better.
I made my way back out to the barn to return the rope and check in on Destiny, hoping that Wren was still available to go with me to the petting zoo. Not that I couldn’t go by myself, but I liked Wren, and I wanted to hang out with her and get to know her better. I didn’t tend to make friends out on the circuit because it was like a revolving door, and I didn’t much like the women who were just there to hope to catch themselves a sexy cowboy for an evening or two. And I’d pretty much lost touch with the few friends I’d had in school. They were all married with kids, and I found I had less and less in common with them as time went on. Wren was different, though. She was younger than me, but she had an old soul, and she was smart and knew horses and loved ranch life.
I could love ranch life, too. It could be a lot like rodeo life, aside from living in the bus and being in a new city every week or so. Couldn’t it? Maybe?
“Back so soon?” Wren looked completely shocked to see me.
“Yep. Brought Travis’ rope back.” I lifted it off my shoulder and handed it to her.
“Thanks… but… how are you back so soon?”
“What do you mean?”
She took a step closer and lowered her voice. “If I talked like that to my Daddy I would… let’s just say I would not be out wandering the Ranch right after.”
“Oh… well, he’s not my Daddy. We’re just friends.” I’d already told her a little about my life and who Cade was, so I wasn’t sure if she was confused or not.
“I know, but he wants to be.”
“I’m sorry, what? Why would he want to be my Daddy? I’m not even looking for a Daddy. I’m not a Little.”
“First off, you don’t have to be Little to have a Daddy. There are plenty of Daddy Doms out there taking care of their submissive partners. The Ranch is full of them. Secondly… You’re not a Little?”
I continued my lie. “No. I’m not.”.
“Hmm… my mistake, I guess.” She shrugged. “Anyway, he wants to be something to you. That much is completely obvious.”
“Trust me, he doesn’t.” I shook my head. “He has every opportunity, and he doesn’t do anything about anything.”
“So you want more with him, too?” Wren linked her arm in mine and we began to walk.
“I didn’t think I did. Until we got here. Until maybe we stopped being so busy I had a chance to think about it. Until he didn’t handle me the way I guess I was sorta pushing him to today.”
Wren nodded. “I should tell you that you should communicate with him and be open about your feelings. That’s what a responsible person would do.” Wren pulled in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But I’m not really that person. I mean, I could be if I really tried, but like… if you need a person like that, then maybe you should go talk to Erika. Or maybe even Mrs. Cat. She’s the Ranch therapist, and a lot of the Littles see her for a lot of reasons.”
“I’m not a Little.” Why did she keep saying that?
“Right, right. Not a Little. You sure, though? I usually can read people pretty well, and your whole energy is screaming Little to me.”
Tired of keeping up with the lie, I came clean. At least a little bit. “My late husband and I dabbled, but there is not another soul on this planet who knows that information, so you have to promise to keep it a secret”.
“Pinky promise.” Wren held up her pinky and I interlocked mine with hers. “Thanks for sharing that with me. I knew I was right. You dabbled and you loved it. Right?”
I closed my eyes and prayed for patience that I knew would never come.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
“I loved it more than anything else he and I ever did. But again, that stays between us. And I’m not a Little anymore. I’m too old for that stuff.”
Wren stopped dead in her tracks, forcing me to stop, as well, since our arms were still interlocked. “I’m sorry, what did you just say?”
I turned to look at her as I explained. “I’m too old to be a Little. I’m in my forties.”
She stared at me, slow-blinking like she had no idea what to do or say in that moment. Like all of a sudden I was an enigma that she just could not solve.
“Ripley, and I mean this in the gentlest way possible, what the actual fuck are you talking about?”
“What do you mean?” I thought I’d been pretty clear.
“What do I mean? You’re kidding, right? I mean there is no age limit on things that bring you joy! If you’re physically able to do it, then it doesn’t matter how old you are.”
“Well when you say it like that…” I trailed off, feeling a bit silly.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to come off so strong, but it's frustrating. Society tells us that if we reach a certain age, then we should just stop liking the things we like and move on? Grow up? I don’t know. It’s stupid, and one of the many reasons I appreciate the Ranch. We don’t do that here. If you’re a consenting adult, then that is the only box you have to check to live your best life here. No one here will judge you. If an eighty-seven-year-old man wanted to live out his dreams in the Littles’ Wing, then he would be allowed to do that, and he would be welcomed with open arms. That’s part of the Magic of Rawhide. The other part… well… you’ll see. I can already tell it’s fixin’ to change your life.”
I listened as Wren talked and we walked toward another barn with a big sign that read, ‘Reese’s Perfectly Imperfect Petting Zoo’. I really zeroed in on the last part of her mini rant, though.
“Change my life? How do you know that?”
Wren shrugged her shoulders. “Seen it a million times since I been here. We’ve all got our own journey to happiness, and the Rawhide Magic just helps us get there faster in ways we never even considered before. And yes, I say ‘we’, because I am included in that. So is Reese. Right, Reese?” She raised her voice so the adorable woman in the muck boots and overalls standing amongst a flock of gobbling turkeys could hear her.
Reese lifted her head and smiled and waved in our direction.
“Right what? What are we talking about?” She met us at the gate and carefully let herself out without letting any of the turkeys escape. A feat that took skill and practice, I was sure.
“Rawhide Magic.” Wren didn’t elaborate, but apparently she didn’t have to.
“Ohh yeah. That’s totally a thing. Did it get you? Reese, by the way.” She waved again. “I’d offer a hug or a handshake, but… well… I need to clean up a bit first.”
“No worries. I’m Ripley.” I waved back.
“Nice to meet you, and welcome to Rawhide, where the magic will bite you in the ass in all the best ways possible.”
Reese and Wren both giggled.
“Find Daddy!” A huge gray parrot flew over and landed on Reese’s shoulder. “Where’s Daddy?” the bird squawked.
“Daddy is in the barn, P,” Reese explained, rubbing the bird’s ruffled tummy feathers.
“Find Daddy. Go to the barn,” the bird repeated.
Reese sighed. “He sent you out here to get me, didn’t he?” Rolling her eyes, she looked toward the barn, then back at us. “Who needs a messaging service when you have an African Grey around? I have to go see what he needs, but I’ll be back in a few. Wren, your friends need to be fed if you’re so inclined.”
“We’ll take care of them.” Wren nodded as Reese hurried away.
“Friends?” I asked in confusion.
“Yeah, see?” Wren pointed to a sign that said ‘Friends not Feast’. “I rescued these turkeys from being slaughtered for Thanksgiving. There was a protest, we made signs, it was a whole thing.” She waved her hands around. “Before the petting zoo existed, they kinda just wandered, but they’re much happier now. They have a big fancy coop and everything. Also, I named them after the characters on Friends.”
She pointed to each one and told me their names. I really didn’t know how she told them apart, but the story about how they came to be at the zoo and earn their names was hilarious and endearing, and I kinda wished I could have witnessed it happening in real time.
“Stuff like that happens around here constantly. I’m kinda in an unspoken prank war with the owner’s wife… well, it's not really a war… per se… because sometimes we work together to create the chaos. That’s when the real magic happens.” Wren giggled like she was recalling memories of said ‘magic’.
“Is that the Rawhide Magic you keep talking about? Am I about to be part of some elaborate prank?”
“Well… I mean… it’s not really the kind of magic I was talking about, but now that you mention it… we could probably put our heads together to figure out how to get that man of yours to, well, Daddy up.”
“I don’t know if I like the sound of that.” I shook my head. I’d never been much of a prankster, and I didn’t really want to have to trick Cade into wanting me.
“Don’t worry. I’m a pro. We’ll come up with something.” Wren waved off my concern and continued feeding the turkeys. “Have you met Sadie yet?”
I sighed in resignation for the time being as she changed the subject.
“Briefly last night when we got in. They were on their way out for the night.”
“Any of the other Littles?”
“No, just you and Reese. Well, I just assume she’s a Little? Since she was calling someone her Daddy?”
“She is a Little, but you don't have to be Little to have a Daddy.”
Closing my eyes, I shook my head quickly, trying to clear the cobwebs. “I thought I knew a lot about the lifestyle, and then I got here and I feel like I know nothing.”
“Kink is customizable. So you really will never stop learning, because everyone does things their own way. All you have to do is keep an open mind.” Wren wrapped her arm around my shoulders and gave me a squeeze. “Don’t get discouraged. Why don’t you come have breakfast with me and some friends in the morning?”
“In the Littles’ Wing? I don’t think I want to go to the Littles’ Wing,” I lied. I wanted to so, so bad, but I couldn’t go down that rabbit hole. The realization that I wanted more with Cade was enough for me to deal with for a while. If I went to the Littles’ Wing, I was scared I’d never want to come out again.
“No, in the cafeteria. I mean, it’s where a lot of the Littles eat, but it's not exclusive to Littles.”
“Okay.” I nodded. “That sounds okay,” I said again to reassure myself. “What time should I meet you?”
“How about eight? I’ll meet you outside the door because it can be a little overwhelming sometimes.”
“I feel like I’m perpetually overwhelmed lately, sooo…” I held out the last word because I didn’t really think I needed to elaborate more than that.
Reese came back out and gave me the grand tour, all while Bossy P stayed perched on her shoulder. I’d met some quirky animals in my time in the rodeo circuit, but the animals at Rawhide Ranch definitely took the crowns for the quirkiest, and I loved them all. Forget never coming out of the Littles’ Wing; maybe I would just never leave the petting zoo.
“See, everyone is free to be whoever they want here. Look at Alfie, he swears he’s a horse. We have to let him out in the pasture with the horses every once in a while or else he gets ornery. But he also likes the pampering and treats he gets from the petting zoo visitors,” Wren explained as she stroked the neck of the white-and-brown alpaca.
“Do you not feel free to be who you want?” Reese turned to me and asked, instantly picking up what Wren was laying down.
I sighed and shook my head. “I didn’t really… well… I wasn’t sure it was okay to like, be a Little when you’re my age. I didn’t know a lot of things until I started talking to Wren, honestly.”
Reese furrowed her brows. “Yeah, I mean I’m still learning a lot, too. I didn’t know much about the lifestyle until I came here less than a year ago. But I’m curious why you think there's an age limit?”
“I don’t know! I guess I’ve never seen an ‘older’ Little. Like, usually you see the cute twenty-somethings all dressed in their cute outfits, so I just assumed, I guess. My husband was cool with it, but he’s gone, and no one else knew that side of me existed before today.”
“He’s gone?” Reese asked.
“Yeah, he died three years ago.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Are you here alone, then?”
“Not physically, no. I’m here with his best friend. Well our best friend.”
“And they’re in love,” Wren sing-songed.
“Kiss the girl,” Bossy P squawked.
“You have to tell her man that, P! The girl wants to be kissed,” Wren told the silly bird.
It wasn’t a lie. I did very much want to be kissed, and if Cade was open to it, then I wanted to be kissed by him. Very specifically him. Badly. Kissed and… more.
“So you want him and he’s resistant? This sounds like an amazing job for Rawhide Magic.” Reese had a dreamy look on her face as she stared into space.
“Exactly!” Wren agreed.
“I didn’t even know I wanted him until we got here. Now the thought is like consuming me, but it's so much more complicated than that. We’ve been friends for so long, and I was married to his best friend, and we travel together, and I basically manage his entire life and career. A relationship would make things messy.”
“I mean, it could. But it sounds like you’re already in a relationship, just without any of the benefits,” Wren pushed.
“There’s benefits! He supports me, and I get to travel and see places I would never even know existed without him.” Just because I’d had all the same thoughts as my new friends were now voicing didn’t mean I wanted to hear them, and it just made me realize how frustrated I was with the entire situation. I also felt an odd need to defend what Cade and I had. It was special and low pressure, and adding ‘benefits’ could muddy that a lot. It could even ruin everything. If only he would just make a move! But he was way too ethical for that. And right now I kinda hated that about him. “I just don’t know if it's worth it to change things. It feels like such a huge risk. And they’re good the way they are.”
“But what if they could be great?” Reese asked.
I sighed and let my head fall backward. “Ugh.”
“Okay, okay, we’ll stop. I’m sorry. We shouldn’t be pressuring you. Just the things you said, and the way he looked at you earlier, and lassoed you and carried you off like some romantic hero in an old western… It just seems like you guys belong together.”
“Well, if you believe in this Ranch Magic you keep talking about, then maybe that’s where we’ll end up, but for now can we talk about something else?”
Reese and Wren both instantly dropped the subject, which I appreciated, and we spent the late afternoon snuggling animals before ending up eating pizza and watching movies in Reese’s little apartment above the barn. It was the most fun I’d had in forever, and I was so relieved for the reprieve from the mental Olympics that were cartwheeling through my mind.