Chapter 33
LOUIS
The drive back to the city should have taken an hour, but because I had to pull over twice to get control of my tears, it was closer to an hour and a half.
I pulled into the garage of my condo building, unloaded my luggage, and trudged toward the elevator.
Arriving on the eighth floor, I made my way down the hall and unlocked the door.
Silent darkness greeted me, and I burst into tears all over again.
After dropping my keys onto the table by the door, I left my luggage in the entryway and made a beeline for the couch.
I switched on the lamp, then pulled out my phone and dialed my sister.
“Hey, Lou! How’s the bear hunting going?” The sound of her voice on the other side of the line, hundreds of miles away, had me wishing I’d flown out to visit for Christmas after all. Though that would have meant I’d never have met Matthew. The thought had me spiraling all over again.
“Lou? Are you there?”
I opened my mouth to respond but all I could get out was a choked sob.
“Oh, Lou. What happened?”
“I fell for him, Nat,” I finally managed to get out. “I fell for him so hard.”
“Oh, honey. And he didn’t feel the same?”
“I don’t know. He never said anything.” Fresh tears spilled down my cheeks. Good lord, how was it possible for a person to produce this many? Surely I was getting dehydrated at this point.
“Wait. Please tell me that you told him how you felt . . .”
I sniffed loudly. “What was I supposed to say? ‘I know we just met, but I think I might be in love with you’?”
“I mean . . . yeah. Kind of.”
I snorted. “You don’t think that might scare him away?”
“It might. But what if he feels exactly the same way? What if he’s afraid of scaring you away? One of you has to make a move.”
Fuck her and her logic. “Why can’t he do it? Why does it have to be me?” I knew I sounded like a petulant teenager, but I was well past caring at this point.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Lou. You’ve never been afraid to go after what you want. Why start now?”
My heart performed a long, slow roll, then settled somewhere in the vicinity of my stomach. “Nothing’s ever mattered this much before,” I whispered.
Natalie was quiet a moment, sitting in the silence with me. When she spoke again, her voice was gentle. “He must be pretty special. I don’t think I’ve ever heard you so upset over a guy before.”
“He’s gruff and grumbly, wears flannel and denim like it’s his uniform and still somehow manages to make it look sexy. He’d rather walk across hot coals than make small talk. And he’s never been with a man before.”
“Never? You said in your texts that he was having a bi-awakening, but he never even experimented? Like in college or something?”
“Nope. Never even had an inkling that he might be into guys.” I blew out a breath, thinking about the way he’d looked at me as he’d slowly pressed inside my body just twenty-four hours ago. My hole twinged at the memory. “I don’t know, Nat. Maybe I was just an experiment to him.”
“Do you really think that’s the case?”
I swiped off my glasses, setting them on the end table and pinching the bridge of my nose. A headache was building behind my eyes. “I don’t know what to think anymore, Nat. My heart’s too tangled up to be objective about any of this.”
“That’s valid. Why don’t you draw yourself a bath? Give yourself a good soak, then try to get some sleep. Perhaps you’ll find a better perspective in the morning.”
I’d been considering getting blind drunk, but her suggestion was probably healthier. “Yeah, maybe. Thanks for listening, sis.”
“You know I’m always here for you. I love you, Lou.”
My heart squeezed at the nickname. Nat had given it to me first, but Matty’d been the last one to use it.
“I love you too. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Please do.”
I disconnected the call then did as she suggested, drawing a bath and settling in for a soak accompanied by a glass of wine. Forty-five minutes later, I emerged from the bathroom feeling just as lonely and empty as I had before, but at least the headache had receded and the tears had dried up.
I contemplated heating up something for dinner, but wasn’t feeling hungry, so I decided to call it an early night, climbing into bed just after eight o’clock. And just when I thought I couldn’t possibly cry any more, the sight of my big empty king-sized bed had the tears falling all over again.