Chapter 2
Sonny
Iwas so excited I was almost vibrating. People had been commenting on how jittery I was all week and it was hard to explain to them exactly why.
I was going to see Declan again. The man I was in love with.
My childhood best friend who was my everything and who I’d never spent more than a week apart from until his accident.
Then we’d been apart.
I’d visited him as much as I could while he’d been in hospital but then his parents had taken him back home with them.
I knew it was sensible since they had room for him in their house and Declan would need some serious rest and recouperation.
However, I missed him. Selfishly, I wanted him to stay in the city with me. It was impossible, though. He’d left and I’d stayed and it had been the worst three months of my life.
Other than the time he’d been in hospital, obviously. When we hadn’t known—
Anyway, he was alive and well and on his way to recovery. That was all that mattered.
And other people didn’t need to know that my heart was singing hymns at the possibility I’d see him again soon.
So, when people commented that I was more jittery or distracted than usual, I smiled as blandly as I could (rather than dazzle them with the biggest smile ever because I was going to see Declan) and said, “I’m visiting family for the holidays.”
It was kind of true. I’d been raised right alongside Declan, our parents were close and they’d become an extended family to me. Lilian, Declan’s mum, always said I was like another son to her so I didn’t really count it as a lie, even though technically it was.
Also, side note, I hated it when she said that because it would make me Declan’s brother and I wasn’t his brother, I was his best friend and actually I wanted to be his husband who jumped his bones every night and was that too much to ask?
It was only three days before I finished work for the Christmas holidays.
I’d managed to book the Christmas week off through a combination of my brilliant track record of working hard and being efficient, and explaining to my line manager that I had to have the week off to visit my family because Declan had been in a life-altering accident and I hadn’t seen him since he came out of hospital and I don’t know if she sympathised with me or just wanted me to stop crying and getting snot all over her office.
Either way, she signed me off for the week.
Living in the city had been okay when Declan had been here with me and I knew that loads of people liked the bustle and the endless parade of things to do but I wasn’t a fan.
Today especially, every delay seemed specially designed to annoy me.
I wanted to ring Declan but knew I wouldn’t be able to talk to him properly while I was on the tube and walking through the crowded streets.
I had to wait until I got home.
As I left the office, a voice behind me shouted, “Hey, Sonny, wait up.”
I turned to find Greg, one of my colleagues, running after me.
“Hey, did I forget something?” I asked.
He was panting, his breath misting in the chill air. “No, you didn’t. You just left before I could ask if you wanted to come out tonight. A bunch of us are going over to the Red Lion. Want to join us?”
“Nah, sorry. I have to get home.”
“Just for one pint?” he wheedled.
“Sorry, maybe next time.”
Before I could turn away, Greg put his hand on my arm. “Hey, you’ve not been out with us for ages. One drink won’t hurt, will it?”
That made me feel bad. I’d been out with them a couple of weeks ago, though.
Greg stepped closer and I got an uncomfortable feeling in my belly. I couldn’t step back because we were right by the door of the office and people were hustling past us.
“Come out with us, Sonny.”
“I can’t. I have to get home. In the new year, though!”
With that, I broke out of Greg’s hold and slipped into the stream of pedestrians.
Squeezing my way through the crowds, I shivered and huddled deeper into my coat.
I’d forgotten my scarf and my teeth were chattering by the time I got home.
My tiny flat looked incredibly bare and depressing, but that was because I hadn’t bothered to put up any Christmas decorations.
Why bother when I was going to spend Christmas with Declan?
I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialled his number. As soon as he answered, I asked, “So? How does it feel?”
Was it me or did Declan not answer me immediately? It was hard to tell, since I was fighting with my shoes at the same time, trying to prise them off my nearly-numb feet.
“It feels strange.”
“Of course it feels strange, that’s normal. But it doesn’t hurt?”
Declan had been working with his physio Erik for three months and Erik had persuaded him to try walking on his prosthetic without his crutches, now he was building up his muscle strength again. I wanted to know how it went. I wanted Declan to feel confident again.
“No, it doesn’t hurt.”
“That’s great!”
“Yeah.”
“You’re tired,” I said. “Did I call too soon?”
“No, you didn’t. I was just napping because apparently doing almost nothing takes up all my energy now.”
I could hear the frustration in Declan’s voice and my heart went out to him. Before I could dig into that, though, he suddenly said, “You got home early. You must have run out of the office.”
“I did! Greg had to chase me into the street to invite me out.”
“Oh? Are you going out again then?”
“Nah, I’m going to talk to you, silly. I need someone to keep me company while I cook dinner.”
“You didn’t want to hit the pub with the rest of the office?”
I changed my phone from one hand to the other so I could fight my way out of my coat one sleeve at a time.
“No, why would I want to do that when I can be here with you? I’m so excited about getting to visit.
We haven’t been to your parents for Christmas in years. Does your mum have the tree up yet?”
He gave a snort. “Went up on the first of December.”
I laughed. “At least your house will be full of festive cheer. I’m going to soak up all those good Christmass-y feelings.”
I’d thought we were talking about Christmas trees, which is why I didn’t follow the sudden conversation u-turn when Declan asked, “Are you sure you didn’t want to go out with Greg?”
“Dude, if I wanted to go out with Greg, I’d have gone out with Greg. I wanted to come home and talk to you!”
Something in my chest tightened as I said it. I’d always been very clear to Declan about how much I cared about him. And then, when he’d been in hospital, laying in that bed with those white sheets pulled up over him and those bright lights turning his skin a sickly grey, I’d blurted it out again.
Only, I’d blurted it out in a way he couldn’t mis-understand. The words, “I love you, Declan,” were hard to mis-understand, right?
I wasn’t sure whether I was glad or disappointed that he hadn’t heard me. Or he’d been so out-of-it that he hadn’t understood.
And it had never been the right time to say those words again.
The problem was, I wanted to say them. With every fibre of my being, I wanted to wrap my arms around Declan’s neck and hold him tightly to me and whisper in his ear over and over again how much I loved him.
Why hadn’t I? Well, because it was unfair to do it while he was recovering. He’d been in hospital. Then he’d gone to his parents’ house to recover. And I hadn’t seen him since.
It was like having part of me cut away, and I knew that was a terrible metaphor under the circumstances, when Declan really had lost part of his limb and it was difficult and he was struggling and I hated that for him but also…
having him gone from my life had made me feel like I was missing some vital part of myself that I couldn’t name.
I realised neither of us had spoken for a while and I cleared my throat. “I can go out with the office any time I like.”
“You know Greg wants to go out with you, right?”
“I know. I literally just told you that. But I didn’t want to, I can see everyone in the new year.”
Declan snorted. “No, Sonny, I mean he wants to go out with you. Like, be your boyfriend.”
I made some gagging noises down the phone and spluttered, “What, Greg? Ew, no thank you,” until Declan gave a reluctant chuckle.
To be honest, Greg was fine. He wasn’t a terrible person or anything, he just wasn’t my type. I was not interested in the slightest. And I needed to make that clear to Declan so that when I told him that I loved him, he’d believe me.
My heart started beating faster, afraid. But I really did need to tell him. Because I couldn’t let him slip through my fingers again, not after he’d almost slipped out of our lives completely.
Would he love me back?
“Alright, alright,” he said at last. “Greg is not the one for you.”
“Nope, he isn’t. Anyway, do I get to open a present when I get there on Saturday?”
“Why would you get to do that?”
“Because!” I cried.
I actually didn’t have a reason. Because it was Christmas? Kind of.
Declan chuckled again. “I’ll ask Mum. She’s in charge of Christmas this year.”
Something about that sounded weird. There was a tone in Declan’s voice that was… slightly off.
“Does it feel strange?”
“What? My leg?”
“No, being back at your parents’ house for Christmas? We normally spend it together.”
“I guess so.”
Declan wasn’t the best at articulating his emotions.
One of the many reasons I’d chickened out of ever telling him I loved him before.
I wasn’t quite sure whether he loved me back, not in the way I wanted him to.
I knew he loved me as a friend, but maybe our closeness was different for him, more brotherly than lovers.
Anyway, he wasn’t going to tell me how he felt about being in his parents’ house again so I’d have to work it out for myself.
I asked questions and, as I did, I started cooking myself some pasta because I was starving.
“Hey, if we’re going to be like kids again, staying with your parents for Christmas, we should do our kid stuff again!”
“Like what?”
“Like go to the market and get hot chocolate and mince pies.”
“Do you ever think of anything but your stomach?”
“No,” I said, just as I shovelled the first mouthful of pasta into my mouth.
“Fine, we’ll go to the market,” said Declan. He tried to make it sound like a chore but I could hear the smile in his voice.
“It’ll be fun,” I assured him. “Hey, we could go to the lake, too.”
This time, there was no reply.
“Declan? Are you still there?”
“Yeah, I’m here. I guess we can go to the lake. You’ll have to skate without me.”
“Oh. Of course. I don’t need to skate, though. We can take a walk around and watch everyone and soak up the atmosphere.”
“No, I want you to skate, Sonny. You love skating.”
“Not without you, I don’t. I just want to visit and walk around, honestly Declan.”
His reply of, “Yeah, sure,” didn’t tell me much either way. All I knew was that I’d upset him and I didn’t know how to fix it. He said, “You know, you don’t have to spend Christmas in the middle of nowhere. You can visit for a couple of days and then head back to the city.”
“I’m staying. You invited me and I’m claiming squatters’ rights. Besides, I’ve already written to Santa to tell him where I’ll be on Christmas Eve and I don’t want him to leave my presents in the wrong house.”
It was music to my ears when Declan gave a weak chuckle again.