Chapter 33
“Are you ready?” Remy asked as he came into the room.
I pushed my straightened strand off my face and readjusted my fitted black dress before reaching down to grab my black high heel pumps. I swallowed the tears that threatened not wanting to ruin the make up I had just completed.
“No. Not really.” I shook my head.
In a rare form of vulnerability Remy took a few steps forward and embraced me. “Me neither.”
The past couple of weeks had been such an emotional struggle. Greg, Kurt, and Paul had called in several therapists and counselors to help us all deal with the grief that touched all of in the bunker. It had sent aftershocks in our community that most of us were unable to process.
Not only were we dealing with the deaths of our people but helping those, like Darren, adjust to their new normals. People had been gravely injured leaving permanent damage to their bodies and a select few cases their minds.
“The cars are waiting.” Lincoln gently reminded us from the doorway.
I nodded looking over my shoulder to see if I had forgotten anything.
I noticed the slight mess I had left in my wake but determined I could take care of it later.
I didn’t want the others to have to wait on me because I was unconsciously—consciously—dragging my feet.
In reality, I knew Dawn was gone but taking her to her final resting place seemed to be too final.
In the wake of Horatio’s attack, I threw myself into helping with the cleanup.
I assisted with community relations as we informed some of them of their losses and communicated with them in regard to their next wishes.
I threw myself into motherhood and spending as much time with my babies and I completed tasks.
I just kept moving hoping to outrun the demons nipping at my heels.
That day I would be forced to stop and recognized she wasn’t coming back.
This wasn’t like when we had lost Gavin.
Dawn wouldn’t have been able to jump, and she wasn’t going to reappear in another form.
I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. “Let’s go.”
I entered the living room to see Jace, Noah, Drake, and Troy waiting for us. Noah had the stroller loaded down with Andy and Addison’s diaper bags and a few more of their necessities. Jace was holding Addison while Drake had Andy. I blinked slowly. When had they gotten so big.
Someone had dressed Andy in a cute little dark gray suit with a black tie.
They had even put shoes on his feet for the first time ever.
The shiny black shoes were too cute and tiny.
Addison’s dress matched her brother’s. Her dress was dark gray, and her skirts were so puffy they nearly covered her face.
The black sash complete with a bow matched the head band with an oversized bow someone had affixed to her fuzzy head.
Instead of lying prone or in a reclined positioned both of them were sitting up with amazing head control.
You could barely tell that they were premature now.
Yes, they were still tiny and most people upon first meeting them assumed they were younger than they were, but they were reaching milestones, most preemies born as early as they had been weren’t.
For the first time in a long time a real smile formed on my lips.
Up until this point I think I was just going through the motions.
Yes, I smiled and I tried to joke for the sake of my connections, kids, and siblings but it never seemed to reach my heart.
Right now, seeing my kids dressed in the outfits Dawn had purchased them I was reminded that in many ways she had left a piece of herself behind.
I don’t think my pain would ever fade but knowing that she could “live” on in other ways would leave me a modicum of peace.
“See I told her she wouldn’t be upset if we dressed her in Dawn’s outfits.” Jaxson spoke out of the side of his mouth.
I smiled and shook my head knowing it could have gone one or two ways.
I could have been really upset seeing one of the many outfits Dawn had gifted them, but it wasn’t fair to her memory.
It brought her so much joy to buy them little things and fighting with Rachel became a game to her.
They fought on who the favorite Aunty would be.
In fact, they seemed to have made it a competition on who could spoil them the most. We were beyond blessed to have had her for the time we did.
My babies may never remember her, but we would never let them forget who she was.
She had left little notes with every gift she had gotten them.
Just the other day Race had given me copies of every selfie she had taken with them beginning with the very first time we allowed her to hold them.
Noah had taken a blackmail photo of her crying when we told her she was one of the first ones to hold them and reminded her she was their honorary aunty.
“Dawn would have never forgave us if we allowed them to outgrow them without ever wearing them.” I snorted.
“Or she would have just bought them the next size up.” Troy countered before grabbing my hand with his.
“Remember when we made fun of her for buying such dressy clothes.” Noah smiled sadly.
“She would definitely be gloating if she saw them now.” I surmised.
We left the apartment and made our way toward the elevators and to the surface. They had arranged for drivers to drive us to the cemetery. Her service and burial were taking place outdoors. The weather was far too beautiful not to, and Terrance had insisted on it.
“Who says she can’t?” Lincoln inquired. “I like to think she’s up there and causing as much chaos and being just as competitive as ever.”
“I imagine she’s up there either arm wrestling the angel Michael or challenging him in every way to force her way into their army.” Jace readjusted Addison’s shoes on her feet.
We all laughed at that knowing if those who passed could interact with the angels, she would totally be doing that. She wouldn’t be one of the people enjoying the “life” of leisure she would ensure her presence was made known.
We rode up on the elevator guessing ways that Dawn would be making her presence known in heaven.
She wouldn’t have arrived and sat in the back waiting to be called upon to the front of the line.
Then she would have swung her weight around until she got everything she wanted.
Not to say she would have gotten her way, but she would have tried.
As I suspected we were one of the last ones to arrive. For the occasion Pops had hired several limos for us and already informed us which ones we would be riding in. We had one of the bigger ones that we would be sharing with a few others.
Pops and Megan were standing by the front vehicle waiting for Alex to climb in. Tiff’s connection had caused lasting trauma to Pop’s left leg, and he would have to walk with a cane but we were all thankful he was still alive. Even he admitted that he was better off than Darren.
Surprisingly enough Darren was adjusting much more than we would have ever been able to.
He definitely struggled at first, but he seemed to be coming to terms with his situation a lot quicker than we thought possible.
If anything, he seemed to be lapping up the attention he was suddenly receiving.
He had even admitted to never believing he would ever be looked at as a hero.
After we reassured him that we had always seen him as an asset to our team he insisted it wasn’t the same.
As if Darren was conjured by my thoughts, I saw him wheeling out with Cat alongside him.
In a surprising turn of events Cat had been by Darren’s side the entire time through his recovery.
Apparently, she had been harboring a crush on him since the first time she met him.
They definitely were an unlikely pair but somehow, they worked.
Darren wheeled over to us. “I’m in the van, right? Or did you change your mind about letting me drive the Rolls?”
“He almost changed his mind but realized you couldn’t reach the pedals.” Jaxson smirked.
I rolled my eyes. Their teasing had not stopped and if anything, they became more brutal with their jokes. I knew reprimanding Jaxson would be fruitless, especially after Darren started laughing before he looked at me. I grinned and winked knowing he wanted to “sick” me on Jaxson.
I complied imagining Jaxson as a donkey. It took him a second to realize that he was now on all fours. He brayed at me in protest and I reached out to pat his head as the others around us laughed. Alex had rolled down the window in the vehicle he was sitting in.
“Put a straw hat on him like the Wonky Donkey book!” He yelled out.
The giggles coming from the “kids’” vehicle was a balm to my soul.
They had been reserved lately as well. I knew they missed Dawn and witnessed things they should never have been exposed to.
On the other hand, I knew they also were absorbing the heaviness we had been carrying.
At the end of the day, they needed to start their healing journey as well and as adults we needed to be more mindful of that.
I grinned complying before asking Jaxson. “Are you ready to stop acting like a jack ass?”
He vigorously nodded.
“Promise?”
Again more nods. He stomped his food and head butted me and I couldn’t help but laugh.
“Good boy.” I praised him before turning him back.
Jaxson stumbled before straightening his suit. He readjusted his tie as he mock glared at Darren and me. “That’s cold to use my baby mama against me.”
“That’s cold you made fun of me for not having any legs.” Darren quipped back.
“That was jacked up,” Lincoln covered a laugh with his hand.
“It’s what we do.” Jaxson pouted at me.
“There still be boundaries of what you can joke about.” I deadpanned.
“He doesn’t mind.” Jaxson grumbled before he went to go help Noah load our stroller up.