Chapter 21 #4
“Perhaps you need to do a little chasing. Men don’t always have enough good sense to know what they want or even what they need.
” She took Ella’s hand in her own. “But if there is truly something between you, something that you want, fight for it, don’t lose it to pride.
It may not come again in this lifetime, and regret, my dear, is one of the hardest things to live with. ”
***
The hour was growing late, but a light still burned in the study.
Ella held her breath as she cracked the door open to look in.
No regrets. Ceann was sitting alone in a chair by the fire, a flask hanging from one hand, the other raking absently through his hair, as he seemed to do whenever something bothered him.
She only hoped it was her that plagued him; indifference would have been more than she could bear.
The warm, sensual scent of peat smoke and whiskey reached her as she pushed the door open and he looked up and saw her there.
His eyes betrayed him for an instant before he was able to hide the pain and confusion Ella saw in them, now that she knew what to look for.
He turned back to the fire and grumbled “Go away Ella, I want to be alone.”
She ignored him and stepped into the room, shutting the door firmly behind her. “All right, in just a moment.”
He frowned up at her. “I don’t think you know what I mean by alone. I want to be in here by myself, without you or anyone else. Leave me! Now!”
She moved to stand behind his chair, leaning forward on her elbows with a long-suffering sigh. “You have the rest of your life to be alone, if that’s what you truly want. You can surely stand just a few more moments of my company. What is bothering you so, Ceann?”
He gave a defeated groan. “I am not bothered.”
“You look particularly bothered.”
He growled low in his throat, leaning his head forward into his hand.
“Ceann, have I done something to displease you?” she asked softly. She tried to keep the hurt from her voice, because she did want to be vulnerable before him, should he deny her.
He let out a breath and raked his hand through his hair again.
“No, damn it all to hell! You pleased me too much. I’m only trying to save you from myself, Ella.
I don’t want you to suffer like I have. I am only a man, and what I did was wrong; I know that.
I promise you it won’t happen again, but I can only do that if you stay will away from me.
I can’t think clearly when you’re near… I can’t trust myself not to…
Och Christ!” He threw the empty flask at the wall with a roar.
Ella watched it hit the stone and fall to the floor with a thud, then she gathered her courage.
She was not afraid of the man, but of her own feelings for him, and how much he could hurt her because of them, but she could not let him shut himself off from living anymore.
It was her duty to help him, afterall. She put her hands on his shoulders and let them slide down onto his chest, needing to touch him, feel his strength beneath her fingers.
“I don’t want you to promise not to touch me again Ceann.
I want your hands on me, even as I want to touch you.
And what you did, what we did, wasn’t wrong. I wanted it, too.”
Ceann let out a frustrated growl. “Of course it was wrong! I stole your innocence, and whether or not you willed it, it wasn’t mine to take. Believe it or not, it isn’t my habit to go around despoiling virgins. I’d never done so before.” Even he heard the defeated tone in his voice.
Ella leaned closer so that her mouth was only a hair’s breadth from the racing pulse in his neck.
“No, it wasn’t yours to take, but it was mine to give”, she whispered against his skin.
“Can you not feel what is between us?” She could feel his body tense further, could feel him tremble as he struggled to hold himself in check.
The power, the danger of him was truly intoxicating.
His scent and his nearness was making her dizzy and boneless.
His voice was a little bit ragged when he spoke, “Leave me be, Ella. I can’t give you what you want.”
“What is it that you think I want from you?”
“What every woman wants… a home, a husband… a family.”
Ella came around the chair and knelt before him, taking his hands in hers.
He tensed at the contact, but did not pull away.
“I think I can decide for myself what I do or do not want, and you won’t tell me otherwise.
You forget, Ceann, I have asked nothing of you.
Nothing. Whatever you give to me will be because you want it. ”
Ceann held himself only by the thinnest of threads.
If she did not leave right now, he would take her again, consequences be damned.
He wanted her with a hunger so strong that it frightened him.
Actually frightened him. Nothing else seemed to matter when she was close to him; she filled all of his senses, leaving no room for conscious thought, no room for honor.
All he could think of was taking her, claiming her. God, he burned with it.
“I won’t say more. But know that I don’t regret what happened between us. I wish… I wish you would stop running from me. I… I care for you Ceann. Even though I can’t tell you everything you want to know, I would never willingly play you false.”
She was too close, her words too sweet and tempting.
He abruptly pulled his hands away from hers and stood, intending to move away from her before it was too late.
But she leaned her body against his, her stomach rubbing against his already throbbing manhood, and he hissed in a breath.
He froze for only an instant, but he knew he was lost. With a primitive growl, he reached for her, claiming her mouth with a ferocity that would have frightened any other woman.
But not Ella, she wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer, nipping at his lips even as he sought to ravage hers.
He dropped his forehead to hers and closed his eyes. He was hard and aching, and bewildered by the realization that his willpower had lasted all of several minutes. He really never had a chance to resist what was between them. “God”, he murmured. “What do you do to me?”
Her hands came up to trail softly down his back, making him shiver with pleasure.
“The very same thing you do to me, I expect.” She leaned close to his ear, trembling, her breath hot on his skin. “Take me. Please Ceann. I belong to you now, no other. Never anyone but you.”
He looked at her. Her blue eyes were dark with passion, with wanting him. Mine. How could she not be mine? I found her. I claim her. Enough of being honorable. I want this, I need this like my next breath.
His hands came up to cup her face. Her eyes closed, and her lips parted on a soft sigh. “You are so very beautiful, mo mhùirnìn.”
He bent to kiss her, and then he lost all control.
When at last his mind gave his body free rein, it took all that it craved.
He had all of their clothing off in no time, and leaned her back, covering her with his body and driving into her almost at once, filled with an elemental need.
The next thing he knew, they were lying on the sheep skin in front of the hearth, their naked bodies melded together.
He smiled ruefully and rolled onto his side, taking her with him. Reaching up, he brushed a lock of hair from her cheek and tucked it behind her ear, studying her face. “I’m sorry, I lost control again. Did I hurt you?”
“No, you didn’t hurt me. And I rather like it when you lose control. You should do so more often.”
He smiled wickedly at her. “It’s difficult for me to give up my much vaunted control, lass, but for you, I might sometimes make an exception.”
Her answering smile cut him to the quick, lighting up her whole face, and he found himself wanting more than anything to have her smile at him like that always.
He wanted her in his arms like this always.
No other woman had ever made him feel like this, made him need her so badly, made him feel so alive.
If only things were different, if he could offer her everything she deserved…
He was distracted from his thoughts by the feel of her lips as she placed little kisses along his neck, and her hand skimmed the muscles of his chest, pausing to rub a thumb over his nipple.
He groaned deep in his throat, already wanting her again, reaching for her, even though he had just left her moments ago.
“What do you do to me…”
Chapter 14
Ceann forced himself to sit at his desk in the study; there was much that needed his attention, from correspondence with neighboring clans and requests for aid, to disputes between tenant farmers over livestock and grain prices.
He sighed. This was his least favorite part of being laird.
He much preferred to be wielding a sword, or even repairing a cottage.
Anything but sitting at a desk studying ledgers.
There was a knock at the door, and Ethan walked in before he could open his mouth to answer. Ceann shot him an annoyed look. “Come in, Ethan.” Ethan ignored him and sat down in the chair opposite the desk. “If you put your boots on my desk again, I’ll bloody your nose.”
“I’ve just come from the village, Ceann. Old Mrs. Ferguson needs a new roof on her cottage. It was leaking into the hearth with the last rain and putting out the fire.”
“You came here to tell me about Mrs. Ferguson’s roof? Why are you bothering me when you can take care of it yourself? Can you not see I’m busy? Damn it Ethan!” He slammed his fist down on the desk, making the ink bottle jump and threaten to fall over. Ethan reached out and steadied it with a sigh.
“Are you going to tell me what’s bothering you, then? I mean besides the usual lot.”
“There’s nothing bothering me”, Ceann bit out.