Chapter 1 #2
‘Connie, babes!’ bellows Tash. ‘You’ve got that top on inside out.
And look at the state of that bird’s nest at the back of your hair, pet.
I think we all know what you two randy sods have been up to.
’ She cups her hands and bounces my imaginary head up and down on her groin as though she’s getting the world’s most vigorous blow job.
She gives Matteo a huge wink, expertly emphasised by her massive eyelashes.
Thick black kohl lining her eyes like an Egyptian queen.
It’s so unnecessary. My cheeks flame. I can barely look Matteo in the eye. He will hate that.
Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.
Oh, my word. It’s as though she was in the room watching. The Dollz burst into husky cackles as they stub out their ciggies and pile back on to the bus.
‘You can tell us all the sordid details on the way to the airport. We’re really friggin’ late now,’ complains Liberty.
Matteo rolls his eyes and swoops me into a quick embrace. ‘We’ll see each other soon.’
‘Put her down!’ yells Cherry from the window. ‘And don’t forget, Mr Fancy Pants, you invited us all to LA for a VIP experience.’
He looks momentarily startled. ‘Did I?’
All I can do is shrug. Cherry has a gift for remembering conversations verbatim.
‘Okay, sure,’ he says with a resigned sigh, which only lends him an endearing quality. ‘Whatever.’
A huge cheer comes from the bus.
Poor man. He’ll probably live to regret that.
I hope for his sake it never happens. The Dollz have really tested his patience this week.
And besides, it was just me he was inviting, not my entire entourage.
I’m sure they more or less invited themselves.
I give him a final kiss goodbye and with tears in my eyes tell him that I will miss him terribly.
* * *
As we hurtle towards the airport in Jorge’s rickety little minibus, I reflect on my week in Spain.
This has been the best trip of my entire life.
It has all happened so fast. One minute, I’m being sacked from my regular singing gig after being too miserable to perform anything other than tear-jerking ballads since my mother passed away.
The next minute, my agent, Nancy, rings with a chance for me to redeem myself, and I’m being flown to Benidorm to sing cheap covers to a sea of bald heads at Voices.
I meet the Dollz, my insane but extremely talented support band.
I fall head over heels in love with Matteo.
And to top it all, when I least expected it, the Royal Northern Sinfonia finally accepted me into their organisation, after years of failed auditions.
‘I can’t believe we’ll be flying back out here in two weeks,’ says Tash. ‘It’s a good job my boss fancies me, otherwise if he didn’t give me so many holidays off work, I’d be telling him to shove it.’
As support bands go, the Dollz might be a bloody nightmare to work with, but I have grown to love and adore every single one of them.
Even Cherry and Tash, who are the scariest Geordie women on earth.
Liberty, Mandeep – or Big Mand, as she likes to go by – and Big Sue nod in agreement.
They are nothing if not committed to their part-time singing careers.
‘We’re so jealous,’ says Liam. ‘We’ve absolutely loved Benidorm. It feels like our spiritual home.’
‘We’re thinking we might even get married out here,’ Ged butts in.
This is news to me.
‘How romantic,’ gushes Tash. ‘Are you thinking Sticky Vicky to officiate on top of one of the skyscrapers?’
Liam is quick to respond. ‘We haven’t reached that stage of planning yet.’
‘Are you having a stag do first, though, yeah?’ she asks, leaning towards them as though she’s suddenly become their unofficial wedding planner.
Ged shakes his head. ‘That sounds too animal cruelty or whatever. We’re having a PMS.’
‘PMS?’
‘Pre-moon spree,’ Liam says, his eyes lighting up. ‘It’s our pre-moon. Like a minimoon before a honeymoon but even more exciting and lavish.’
Of course. Why ever not?
‘Are you sure that’s how you want to describe it?’ I say cautiously, visualising the invitations.
‘We’ll have a full week of PMS.’
It’s like he can’t hear himself.
‘You’ll be wanting all the necessary glitz and glamour required to see off your single years in style,’ says Big Mand, nodding. ‘Who wouldn’t?’
Of course, they will need an opulent spree of Mariah Carey proportions.
‘And, Connie, we’d like you to be our BEST WOMAN!’ says Liam theatrically, throwing his arms wide.
Oh my!
My hearts leaps in my chest. I lean over to hug them, squealing. ‘Of course I will!’ I’m so full of joy I think I’ll burst. I love them both so much.
‘We’ve seen each other through the best of times and the worst of times,’ announces Liam, looking lovingly at Ged. This is true. None of us will forget Ged’s flirtation with lip fillers in a hurry. Liam sweeps his gaze around the Dollz. ‘And obviously, you fabulous divas will all be invited.’
This causes an instant avalanche of excitement.
‘We love a good stag do!’ Cherry yells. ‘It’ll be wild!’
‘We’ll do our hot garbage routine,’ joins in Liberty. ‘That always draws attention.’
‘Cherry, you do the outfits, love. Something that’ll slay,’ Tash says, her eyes wide. ‘We need to go viral, babes.’
‘We’ll have a group meeting pronto to co-ordinate all the socials and get a proper strategy organised,’ Big Sue says, nodding to Big Mand, who turns, beaming, to Ged and Liam.
‘Drop us the MO ASAP. You two lovebirds won’t know what’s hit you.’
Suddenly, the pre-moon is becoming all about the Dollz. I risk a glance at Ged and Liam’s alarmed expressions.
Sodding hell.