Chapter 2 #2
My lovely, kind, funny, talented mother whom I’ll never hear singing ever again.
I still can’t believe that I’ll be singing on the same stages as she did, with the same orchestra, wearing similar costumes and performing to the same audiences, but she’ll never get to see me up on stage and I’ll never get to hear what she thinks of me.
Or see her. Or speak to her. Or hug her, ever again.
A wave of grief engulfs me from out of nowhere.
I take a deep breath in and place my hand gently on my chest as it washes over me.
Sadness, pain, panic, despair, dread. I close my eyes and let the images of my mother lying ill in a hospital bed fly around.
I try to conjure up some nicer images from when we were younger.
Before she got sick. Before our lives fell apart.
But they’re not coming yet. My dad says they will come back to me over time.
He says how much time it takes is different for everyone.
I feel like I’ve been waiting around in a numb haze forever.
But at least, thanks to the Dollz and Matteo careering unexpectedly into my life, I have started feeling emotions again.
I am no longer the empty husk that I’ve been for the past two years.
Just the thought of Matteo creates a warm feeling deep within.
I focus on remembering his kind eyes and the smile that lights up his entire face.
It seeps through my bones like an elixir, helping the fear and dread recede until I feel back to normal.
I open my eyes at the sound of the door creaking.
‘So, we’ve had a long talk about it,’ says Liam, coming into the living room with two glasses of wine in his hands, followed by Ged. Liam gives me a glass. I’d take a guess at what he’s talking about, but really, it could be anything from creamed asparagus to a colonic steam.
‘We’re celebrating… again?’ I ask. I shouldn’t be surprised. Last night we stayed up until two in the morning celebrating their one-month-a-versary as a newly engaged couple. At this rate, I’m going to turn up to the Sinfonia tomorrow looking like I spent the night sleeping rough under a bridge.
‘Our pre-moon spree will be held in…’ Liam says, setting down his wine glass and drum-rolling his hands on the sofa to mine the reveal for all the drama he can get.
It must be somewhere super glamorous. Thailand? Fiji? Maybe it is one of those ultra-high, super-expensive jobbies in Dubai. Liam and Ged have sparkles coming out of their eyes. They have also been to the dentist for some extra-bright whitening treatment. I’m dazzled.
They look at each other triumphantly.
‘Las Vegas!’ they yell in unison.
Oh, shit.
‘The most romantic place on earth. The city where dreams are made. The city of love. And gay rights,’ Liam sighs lovingly at Ged. I avert my gaze while they take a moment to stare into each other’s eyes and clasp hands melodramatically.
‘Lovely. So lovely.’ I have a smile plastered on my face. ‘When exactly?’
I know when. Why am I bloody bothering?
They turn their huge, excited eyes towards me as though I’ll never, in a million years, guess.
‘In two weeks!’ they say in unison.
‘As in, roughly the same time as I’ll be going to visit Matteo?’
‘YES!’ Ged shouts. ‘Isn’t it bloody marvellous? You’ll be there anyway, so you may as well be on best-woman duty. It’ll kill two birds with one stone. And it’ll save you a fortune on the flights.’
So much for their anti-animal-cruelty stance, but I do appreciate them thinking of my poor finances.
I watch them jump up and down, hugging each other.
It is quite the conundrum. Of course, I am excited for them.
That goes without saying. But why, when I have not yet spent more than two nights with Matteo, and we are still very much finding our feet with each other, do they think muscling in on my week of carnal passion is a good idea?
‘And you’ve given Dubai some thought too, have you?’ I ask.
They nod.
‘And the Maldives? Diving with turtles? Or what about a Caribbean Disney cruise?’
Ged is folding his arms. I must tread very carefully. Liam has also begun to raise an eyebrow.
Oh God, what will Matteo think?
‘Las Vegas will be perfect. So perfect,’ I backtrack.
‘Well, Matteo did invite us. And we thought, as best woman, it’d be easier for you to organise all the activities for the pre-moon. Because he can pull a few strings. Get us a few celebrity meet ’n’ greets?’
I couldn’t even organise my way to the local shop this morning.
It had been my turn to nip out for full-fat milk to steam in our awesome coffee machine that you need a PhD to operate.
But I was daydreaming about the last time Matteo kissed me, and before I knew it, ducks were quacking, and I’d arrived at the park.
Four miles in the opposite direction. And as for Matteo pulling a few strings…
I wouldn’t dream of asking him. And if I’m being picky, their invite from Matteo was to LA, not to Las Vegas.
I spend the next half an hour listening to Liam and Ged excitedly list a range of must-do activities and must-see shows for me to organise, while we toast their good health, wealth and happiness.
I have no idea how I’m going to balance my romantic break with such an extravagant week or how I’m going to afford it. Thankfully, my phone rings.
‘Will you be needing a room in the hotel? It might not have an en suite though, and you will definitely have to share with Cherry. Or Liberty.’
It’s Tash. As usual, she is carrying on a conversation as though we have been talking it through for hours.
‘Hotel? Where? Benidorm?’ Maybe Tash has forgotten that I have an apartment of my own above Voices.
‘Vegas, babes. Where else?’
My heart has stopped. I wait for it to restart. It has forgotten that it is supposed to thump blood regularly to my brain. My brain that is playing cruel tricks on me.
‘Vegas?’ I gulp. ‘As in Las Vegas? In America?’
‘Yes. Nancy needs to know if you’re staying with us. For tax and visa purposes. She’s putting it all on expenses.’
Oh, my God. What is happening?
‘How did you know I was going to Vegas?’
I’ve literally just got off the phone with Matteo an hour ago. I haven’t even told my dad that I’m going.
All is revealed.
‘Ged just posted on Instagram that you were all going to Las Vegas on their pre-menstrual spree thingy,’ Tash says.
‘Has he?’ I say tentatively.
‘And obviously, they invited us, but we’re all too skint. Cherry is almost a single mother. Liberty has discovered vampire facials. Big Sue and Big Mand are worried about our carbon footprint, so combining work with pleasure ticks a box for all of us.’
I’m still not following but make a mental note to check up on Cherry.
‘So I rang Nancy, and she’s arranged for us to do a couple of gigs while we’re there.’
Why would Tash do that? Nancy, our agent, is not to be messed with. Once bookings are made, they are set in stone.
‘We told her you’d be bang up for it, but Nancy just needs you to confirm first. It means our flights, food, accommodation would all be free. Otherwise, none of us could afford to go.’ She mistakes my silence for being overjoyed.
Tash squeals with excitement. She has no idea that she’s ruining my big, special, romantic week.
Instead of bonking and existing in a general loved-up haze, I’ll now be working.
I’ll be singing in clubs while trying to keep up with the Dollz, the world’s heaviest-drinking chain-smokers.
And in between, I have the world’s most elaborate pre-moon to organise and execute.
Deep fucking breaths.
‘Thanks, Tash. That’s really good of you… and Nancy.’ My voice sounds distant, as though I am on a sort of polite automatic pilot. ‘But I haven’t got time to do gigs as well as the pre-moon for Ged and Liam. I was hoping to see Matteo that week.’
‘And you will see him, Connie, babes. You will. But what’s the alternative? None of us get to share Ged and Liam’s big week? They’ll be gutted.’ Tash lets the silence hang between us for a moment.
What a guilt trip. How can I say no?
‘Okay. But only if the gigs don’t get in the way of me spending time with Matteo,’ I say reluctantly.
Tash whoops eagerly. ‘Yay! It’s going to be savage. I’ll tell Nancy you’ve confirmed.’
Savage. Oh. My. God. Now I have even less time to prepare myself for the Las Vegas trip. And even though I could really do with the extra money, I could really do without the extra pressure.
My spirits plummet at the thought of what might lie ahead. I will have to make sure I get some time with Matteo alone. Before it all turns savage. I will just have to be firm with everyone and learn to say no.
‘All the Dollz are proper buzzing. We might need some of those upmarket showgirl giant feathers and swinging nipple tassels.’
This is getting worse by the second.
‘Either way, it’s going to be one hell of a messy one. We can’t wait.’
Sweet Jesus.
‘Anyway, gotta bounce, babes. Good luck with that snobby Sinfonia lot on tour. You’ll need it. I’ve heard they’re a complete nightmare.’