Chapter Thirteen Jess
Chapter Thirteen
Jess
Sitting on the examining table, Jess tugged at the sleeve of the uncomfortable paper gown. She hated going to doctors’ offices, hated answering questions, hated being essentially naked with a total stranger.
Does the room have to be this cold?
Shivering, she ran a hand down her arm to warm it and ended up bending the sleeve back in the annoying way it had been before. She was grumbling to herself, trying to flatten the sleeve again, when the door opened.
“Ms…. Anderson,” the doctor said as she stepped inside. “I understand you’re here for a physical.”
Jess nodded. She’d promised Alice and Stephanie to see someone about her stomach and her wrist. She might as well do a full workup while she was at it. At least then she wouldn’t have to come back for a good while.
“Yes,” she said after clearing her throat.
“Shall we get started?” the doctor asked, warming her hands.
—
As she began examining her, Jess answered the doctor’s basic questions, was silent while she was listening to her heart, and breathed deeply when required. As she hated the experience so much, Jess simply went on autopilot, dying for it to be finished. When the doctor asked her to lie back on the table and warned her before palpating her stomach, Jess remembered her primary goal.
“I’ve been having some difficulty with pain lately,” Jess said.
“Mmm?” the doctor said. She pressed under Jess’s ribs, making her wince. “Ah. There?”
Jess nodded.
“My wrist, too.”
“Okay, we’ll get to that.” The doctor was very gentle, but Jess continued wincing as the sharp pains sliced through her at each touch. She knew there was no way she’d be able to eat lunch when she got home.
“Hmm,” the doctor said.
“Also my shoulder,” Jess said, once she’d stopped.
“I’ll check it as well,” the doctor said. “Everything seems to be in order with your stomach. Have you been having trouble eating?”
Jess nodded.
“I can give you something for that. Let’s take a look at your wrist and shoulder.”
—
Thirty minutes later, Jess returned to her car with a referral for a full blood workup and a prescription for an industrial-strength antacid. She was relieved that she’d been right that nothing was wrong with her joints, but the doctor’s comment about her pain was still bouncing around in her head.
“Your pain is rather…diffuse,” she’d said. “Have you had any big life changes lately?”
For a split second, Jess had hesitated. She’d almost told her about Cassie, but losing her sister couldn’t have anything to do with her body. Instead, she’d shrugged and mentioned finally starting her career and participating in a Ren Faire.
“A Ren Faire sounds like fun,” the doctor said.
“Well…” Jess hadn’t meant to lead her back to Cassie. “It can be, I’m sure. It’s not really my thing. I’m just doing it to support the organization putting it on.”
“Ah,” the doctor had said. “That would make it more of a stressor, then. And stress can manifest as pain. Let’s see what the blood work tells us.”
Stress as pain? Tension, okay. But pain in specific places? Weird.
—
Standing in front of her open closet that evening, hands on her hips, Jess grumbled under her breath. She felt good about what she’d accomplished that day, from the doctor to the blood draw to the stack of papers she’d finally finished grading. The current task on her plate should have been easy. But she hadn’t had a first date in years and was out of her depth on what to wear the following evening.
“Sty,” she said. “Help me out.”
He jumped down from the foot of her bed and ambled up beside her to face the closet. Jess pulled out a black skirt and green T-shirt. She held them up to herself and looked in the mirrored door. “What do you think?” she asked Steinem.
He raised one of his paws to clean the pads.
“Right,” Jess said. “It’s a dinner date. This is a little casual.”
She replaced those options and chose a pair of pants and blouse that she’d worn to a conference. She’d felt confident in the outfit but caught Steinem’s wide yawn in the mirror.
“Seriously?” she asked him.
He looked away.
“For someone with so many opinions on everything, you sure aren’t being helpful right now,” she said, stuffing the clothes back in her closet. Steinem wrapped himself around her legs and she bent to pick him up.
“Sorry, Sty Sty,” she said, cradling him and scratching his upturned stomach. “Guess I’m a little anxious.” He began purring, and Jess’s stress stepped down a few notches. “And this isn’t your area of expertise. I shouldn’t ask for fashion help from someone who looks so elegant just walking around naked all day.”
She booped his nose with hers before gently returning him to his original spot on her bed. She’d get better help from Alice and Stephanie during their call in an hour.
—
After eating dinner, Jess settled in her bed with her laptop in advance of the video call. She had an email about one of her published articles to reply to, but it took much less time than she’d expected, so she sat there, a little lost for what to do to pass the time. She was checking a news website for the latest headlines when the word “sensitive” caught her eye.
Shit. I forgot.
She typed “Highly Sensitive Person” into a browser. A preview of the first result raised her eyebrows.
Neurodivergence?
“HSPs are neurodivergent individuals whose central nervous systems are significantly more reactive than those of neurotypical people…” The rest of the information in the article was essentially what he’d told her about himself, but he hadn’t used the term “neurodivergent.” Jess didn’t know much about neurodivergence beyond what she figured was common knowledge about autism or ADHD. If Mo was neurodivergent, his empathy and sensitivity weren’t personality traits. His brain literally functioned differently from most people’s. If they were going to date, she wanted to respect that. It must have been difficult and burdensome to exist in a world that didn’t understand that difference and interpreted Mo’s behavior as choices he was making, rather than logical responses to the structure of who he was.
She opened a Word file and began taking notes.
—
By the time her reminder alarm about the video call went off, Jess had six tabs with scholarly research reports and articles open in her browser and a page full of notes. She didn’t want to stop, had always adored doing research, but she definitely needed to talk to her friends. She opened the video app. Steinem hopped up on the foot of the bed and began his lazy walk toward her.
“Well, Sty, if they’re going to help me figure out what to wear, I have to tell them why.”
He ambled up to her side and sat down, tilting his head up. Jess started scratching his throat as he had asked.
“They might give me a hard time, you know,” she said. “Since I was resistant to the idea of dating.”
Steinem started purring and turned his head a little so she could scratch the side. She chewed her lip a little. Understanding a little more about Mo also required a stronger attention to the impact her words or behaviors could have on him.
“I mean, it’s not like he’s a super fragile flower or something,” she said to Steinem. “He’s a grown man who’s been managing his sensitivity his whole life.”
She realized that she liked and respected the way he’d chosen to do it. He didn’t completely hide from the world or hate it. He used his sensitivity to engage with it. To be compassionate with others.
Steinem turned his head the other way. Jess continued scratching.
“That actually makes him kind of special. Really spe—”
Steinem stepped away from her hand and snuggled into a ball beside her leg.
“Really?” she asked the cat.
Steinem yawned and began purring just as the screen changed as the app began ringing.
“Hey, Jess! How are you? Your students?” Stephanie asked, appearing on the screen after Jess answered.
“We’re finally past the getting to know each other phase,” Jess said, sidestepping the personal question. “Yours?”
Stephanie rolled her eyes.
“We’ve gotten to know each other. Some are endearing. But more are…not,” she said.
“Oh, how I understand,” Jess said.
“Hey, ladies, what’s up?” Alice asked after joining them.
“Just commiserating about work,” Stephanie said.
“That’s not what we’re supposed to be talking about,” Alice said.
“What? Why not?” Jess asked.
“I was waiting for you to get here,” Stephanie said.
“Ladies, what is—”
“Now that we’re both here, it’s time for our ‘Mo the Unicorn’ update,” Stephanie said.
Alice nodded and picked up a mug from off-camera.
“We’re listening,” she said before taking a sip.
Jess took a breath to protest. She didn’t like being a pet project or monopolizing their time together. And she wanted a little time to better digest what she’d just learned about him. But the pet project did need help deciding what to wear.
“Well,” she said, “our first date is tomorrow night.”
Alice put her mug down and clapped her hands, grinning broadly. Stephanie rolled her eyes then smiled.
“Fine,” she said. “I owe you five bucks, Al.”
“You all bet on me going out with Mo?” Jess asked, tone a bit shrill.
“I thought you were going to shut down, Al thought you weren’t,” Stephanie said.
“Shut down?” Jess asked. “You make it sound like I crumple if a man looks at me.”
“?‘Shut him out’ might have been a better choice of words,” Stephanie said. “You know, your go-to reaction when faced with the danger of romantic entanglement.”
Jess narrowed her eyes.
“It was all in good fun,” Alice said. “We didn’t mean to upset you.”
“Hmm…” Jess said.
“If you’re going on a date, I need to picture it. But we don’t even know what he looks like,” Stephanie said.
“Oh yes,” Alice said, leaning forward. “Do tell.”
Jess’s face got a little warm. As sexy as Mo was, describing him to her friends might make her start gushing like an idiot. She was the metered but supportive friend, not the gushing friend. A picture might make things easier, but she wasn’t really a picture-taking person, so she didn’t have one on her phone. Even though she hadn’t seen any photos of him in the blacksmithing section of the Folk School website, there might have been instructor information on it with a photo or two.
“Hold on,” she said. She got the website open and found the appropriate page. Mo’s profile was there so she clicked the link. There were a couple of photos of him, but he was looking off to the side or down at something he was working on. She put the link in the meeting chat.
“What. In. The. Actual. Fuck,” Stephanie said after a few moments.
“ Jess, ” Alice said, eyes wide. “This guy is hot .”
Jittery giddiness passed through Jess as her cheeks warmed. She cleared her throat, stuffing that silliness away. A warm tenderness surged in its place as she realized that he seemed to be hiding a little in the photos.
I bet he’s shy about having his picture taken.
“Um, yeah,” she said in answer to her friends. “You can’t tell from the photos, but he has really dark eyes. They’re…kind.”
“?‘Kind,’?” Stephanie said, rolling her eyes. “Sounds like you’re playing it down a little bit.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Jess said, rolling her eyes back.
“I am digging this beard,” Alice said, her head tilted, smiling a little.
“Yeah,” Jess said again. “He does the cutest thing when he’s nervous or uncomfortable. He strokes it, or scratches at it. It’s like a very charming tic.”
“Steph,” said Alice. “Jess said cute. Jess said, ‘the cutest thing.’?”
“Where are my smelling salts?” Stephanie asked.
“See, this is why I don’t tell you anything,” Jess said.
“Sorry, sorry,” Stephanie said. “Alice, let’s be supportive friends and listen. We can give her a hard time later.”
“He is super-hot, but is he an ass about it?” Alice asked.
“Jess wouldn’t date an ass,” Stephanie said.
“No,” Jess said. “He’s not at all. He’s completely oblivious to his sex appeal. When I told him I thought he was hot, he started hemming and hawing. I was worried I’d scared him at first.”
“What’s wrong with him, then?” Stephanie asked.
“Wrong?” asked Jess.
“Nice, Steph,” Alice said.
Jess ran her fingertips through Steinem’s fur. She knew what was “wrong” with him from the outside world’s perspective. Impaired somehow. He seemed to have internalized that message if he was calling himself weird.
Impaired…
“Huh,” she said. “He is kind of Hephaestus, Alice.”
“Oh?” Alice asked, putting her mug down.
“Hephaestus…anybody wanna catch me up?” Stephanie asked.
“I teased her a while back about Atalanta and Hippomenes. She said Mo’s more Hephaestus,” Alice said.
“Okay, I think I see your vision,” Stephanie said. “Muscular, blacksmith…but what’s his limp?”
“His empathy,” said Jess. “His sensitivity. They’re…strong enough that he doesn’t like a lot of attention on himself, so he’s not very communicative.”
She’d hesitated to outright say that they were manifestations of his neurodiversity; she didn’t think he broadcasted that about himself, so it certainly wasn’t her place to do so.
“Is he silent and brooding, Jess?” Stephanie asked. “Haven’t we all learned from Alice’s foolhardy expeditions into the land of brooding men?”
“Hey!” said Alice. “We cannot generalize from one man.”
“Two men,” said Stephanie. “And didn’t they rhyme?”
Jess laughed.
“Eddie and Freddie,” she said. “I mean, she’s right, Alice. Those were—”
“Technically, Edward and Alfred,” Alice said, tipping her chin. “And they were…learning experiences.”
“More like experiments,” Stephanie said. “Jess, do you—”
“Actually,” Jess said. “I’m wrong. If you’re paying attention, Mo does communicate. He just doesn’t like to talk.”
Both of her friends furrowed their brows.
“Uh…how does that work, exactly?” Stephanie asked.
“Hmm,” Jess said. She wasn’t quite sure how to explain it well. “He is very, very spartan with his words most of the time. When he speaks, it’s less volunteering his opinion than responding to what someone else says. He’ll grunt, or his face changes.”
“Is he a Neanderthal, Jess?” Stephanie asked flatly.
“No, it’s not that. When he has something to say, people listen because he doesn’t say much. But he uses whole sentences when we’re alone. And he’s not exactly passive. When the other guy on the team said something sexist, Mo immediately called him out.”
“That’s a good sign,” Alice said.
“Quite important,” Stephanie said.
—
Jess felt lighter having shared. She was surprised at how much more secure she felt about going forward with Mo having talked to her friends. Even though she’d never thought of needing their approval. She did need their specific help, however.
“Ladies,” she said, “I need some concrete guidance. I don’t know what to wear for the date tomorrow night.”
“Show us what you’ve got,” Stephanie said.
Jess slid off the bed, carrying her laptop with her. After putting it in a good spot on the corner of her dresser, she opened the closet doors and reached for the pants she’d rejected earlier.
“Jess,” Alice called out before Jess’s hand closed on the hanger. “What’s that on your arm?”
Jess had forgotten to remove the Band-Aid that had been placed there after her blood test.
“Oh,” she said. “I went to the doctor as instructed, Mom and Mom. Had some blood work done, too.”
“What did the doctor say?” Alice asked.
“I’m fine, everything looks good. She did prescribe me something for my stomach being upset all the time.”
“So why the blood test?” Stephanie asked.
“I asked for a full physical, since I was making the appointment,” Jess said.
“Good call,” Alice said.
Jess grabbed the pants and reached for the top but remembered something else.
“One weird thing,” she said. “The doctor asked about anything stressing me out, and I mentioned I’m doing the Ren Faire. Then she said stress can manifest as pain. Do you all think the Faire is making my muscles hurt?”
“Hmm,” Alice said. “I guess. If it’s stressing you out, that would explain why you never talk about it.”
“True,” Stephanie said. “Remind me why you’re doing this again? You don’t actually have to. ”
Jess sighed. Rather than overthink, she co-opted Mo’s explanation.
“It’s for a really good cause,” Jess said. She grabbed the top out of the closet and held it up with the pants for her friends to see.
“Is it a date or a research symposium?” Stephanie asked. “Next.”
Jess showed them the skirt and T-shirt.
“Meh,” Alice said.
Jess pulled out a long-sleeved brown dress with a high collar and flower print.
“Okay, Grandma,” Stephanie said.
Jess glared at the screen.
“Maybe it will be more efficient if you pick up the laptop and pan across your closet,” Alice suggested. Jess raised an eyebrow but complied.
“Wait!” Stephanie said before Jess started to pan. “What’s that red thing?”
Jess followed the angle of the camera and saw what Stephanie had caught at the far end of the closet. She returned the laptop to its place and pulled out the vintage-inspired red dress that she’d retrieved among other things on her only visit to her parents’ house since she returned to the States. A dress that was only in her possession because Cassie had chosen it for her so that they could attend a ’50s-themed party at the end of the previous summer. The last summer her fun-loving sister had had. A dull ache began rising in Jess’s limbs.
“What is that ?” Stephanie asked. She’d leaned close to the camera, resting her chin in her hand.
“It’s a dress,” Jess said, pulling the hem to the side so they could see the skirt.
“No kidding,” Stephanie said. “What’s it doing in your closet?”
“It’s beautiful, but isn’t exactly something I’d pick out for you,” Alice said.
Her friends weren’t wrong. The only reason she owned such a thing was to make her sister happy. And now it lived at the back of her closet. She sighed and explained how she’d ended up with it.
“I think it’s perfect for tomorrow night,” Alice said.
“Me too. You’re going to look stunning,” Stephanie said.
“Really?” Jess held it up again, then in front of herself while looking at her reflection.
“The question isn’t how it’s going to look on you,” Alice said. “It’s how do you feel about wearing it?”
“I mean…okay, I think.” She held the dress at arm’s length again. “It should still fit.”
“I swear, if I didn’t know that this was just a question of old habits dying really, really hard, I would reach through the screen and strangle you,” Stephanie said.
Jess looked sharply at her.
“I love you,” Stephanie said. “ We love you. With your compartmentalizing emotions and everything. The question is, are you okay with wearing this great dress even with its connection to Cassie? We tease you, but we know this is an emotional change for you, after another much bigger change. We just want to be sure that wearing that Cassie dress and embarking down this path isn’t going to be too much.”
Jess wasn’t sure how to respond. Steph had brought up some good points. But before she really tried to let herself feel their weight, she wanted to get Alice’s read.
“Alice?” she asked.
“What she said,” Alice replied before taking a sip from her mug.
—
A few hours later, Jess pulled back the covers and sat on the edge of her bed to moisturize her hands and feet. The “Cassie dress” she’d hung on her closet door caught her eye.
Stephanie made some good points. Don’t do flings. Just went through a big change.
She flicked off the light and slid under the cool sheets. The moon was full that night, and the light peeked through her closed blinds, illuminating the dress.
But I really like Mo. If I wear the dress, it’s like taking a piece of Cassie with me. Maybe she’ll like him, too.