Chapter Thirty Jess
Chapter Thirty
Jess
Jess raised her head from her steering wheel, dragging the back of her hand across her cheek to wipe the tears away. She stopped, surprised at the friction, and looked at the back of her hand. The moisture left streaks through dust she hadn’t realized was there.
The first day of the Faire had come to a close, and while she’d been able to change quickly into regular clothes inside the School, she hadn’t been able to stay and chat with the others. The mix of pride at their work, wistfulness, grief about Cassie, and the trepidation of the conversation she was about to have with Mo had been so overwhelming that she’d nearly sprinted to the privacy of her car so she could let it all out in a crying jag. Apparently, in her haste, she hadn’t been thorough in washing the dust of the day off her skin.
Okay. Get it together. You’re not gonna keep Mo waiting.
—
Forty-five minutes later, Jess pulled back the shower curtain to find Steinem sitting on the bathroom counter. He meowed at her.
“Hey, Sty Sty,” she said, grabbing a towel. “What’s up?”
He let out a long yowl. Jess smiled as she dried her hair.
“Yes,” she said. “You’re right. I was in there for a while. But I was gross. And I can’t go apologize to Mo with gross skin and hair. I’m already embarrassed and uncomfortable enough.” Wrapping another towel around herself, she flicked the light off as she left the bathroom, Steinem following at her heels.
She checked her phone, relieved to see replies in the group chat. During the drive home, she’d gone over and over what she could say to Mo, but none of her words felt like enough. She’d sent an SOS to her friends, along with the idea of buying Mo a plant or some other gift.
Alice:
I googled “Good plants to apologize.” Noticed something when I was poking around. Didn’t you say he gave you unique flowers?
Jess:
Yes. Why?
Stephanie:
Why? Flowers and plants have meanings, J.
Jess knew that they had historically, but she’d never extrapolated that fact to the modern day.
Jess:
Yes, but. Do you think he knows that?
Alice:
He gave you cranberry flowers after you saw your parents?
Yes.
A screenshot appeared in the chat. Jess clicked it open.
“A cure for heartache.”
Knowing that she was upset after her visit “home,” Mo had handed her a gift with the specific meaning of easing her pain, and she’d dumped him. Her eyes flooded with tears. As she blinked them away, she noticed the time.
Jess:
You were right, Steph. I AM clueless. And I’m gonna be late. Al, can you find a couple good plants or flowers that mean I am sorry, I’m the biggest moron on the planet? Send me their names?
Laughing emojis from both popped up.
Alice:
I’m on it. I’ll have them for you asap.
Jess:
Thx
Stephanie:
You got this. Go get your sensitive man!
—
Just before nine, Jess stepped out of her car in front of Mo’s house. Her hands were shaky enough that she needed to readjust her grip on the ivy plant she’d chosen from Alice’s list. While waiting at the florist, she’d also learned that all the flowers Mo had given her had communicated something specific. And she, Ms. Clueless, hadn’t realized it.
She was almost to his porch when Mrs. Sargysan’s front door swung open. Leaning on her cane, she shuffled to the edge of her porch, leaving the door open behind her.
“You!” Mrs. Sargysan spat. Jess gulped.
“Good evening, Mrs. Sargysan,” she said. “It’s good to see you again.”
“Don’t ‘Good evening’ me,” she said, narrowing her eyes. “You dumped him, didn’t you?” Mrs. Sargysan asked, leaning into her purple cane, squinting down at Jess.
“Well…um…” Jess’s throat felt thick, her tongue gummy. She hadn’t even thought about Mrs. Sargaysan, but she should have known that the older woman would not be happy with her. Her hands began to stick to the paper around the plant.
“Don’t sugarcoat it. I know you did. He didn’t say anything, but I can tell.”
“Yes, I did.” She took a few steps closer to Mrs. Sargysan’s porch, not wanting to be impolite.
“And why is that?” Mrs. Sargysan snapped.
“I’d rather not get into it,” Jess said.
Her inquisitor didn’t say anything, but the way she raised her chin told Jess that her answer was insufficient.
Pepper. Help me.
“Hm,” Mrs. S said. “If you’re back to make it worse, I suggest you be on your way; you’ve done enough. Mo deserves better than some wishy-washy nonsense.”
“You’re absolutely right, Mrs. Sargysan,” Jess said. “He does.”
“Course I’m right.” She readjusted herself on her cane.
“I just want to apologize to Mo and see what he wants from there,” Jess said. “If it’s over, it’s truly over. That’s his choice.”
Mrs. Sargysan harrumphed.
“Maddie can’t have some flighty woman darting in and out of her life. I know Mo won’t stand for it and neither will I,” she said.
“Of course not, ma’am,” Jess said. “They both deserve stability.”
“Hmm.” Mrs. Sargysan furrowed her brow and bunched her lips to one side. Then her face softened just a little. “My deepest condolences about your sister. Truly. I know what that pain is like.”
Jess swallowed hard, her heart clenching.
“But if you don’t face your hurt, deal with it? It’s going to make you hurt other people. And yourself,” Mrs. Sargysan said, squeezing the handle of her cane. “Which would be stupid things to do, wouldn’t they?”
Vision blurring, Jess nodded quickly, wanting to say more but incapable of doing so. Mrs. Sargysan gestured to Mo’s door.
“You can make your case now,” she said. “But I’ve got my eye on you. No more hurting Mo. Or my little kuzu.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Jess said. “Have a good evening.”
“We’ll see,” Mrs. Sargysan said, narrowing her eyes at Jess before she slowly turned and began making her way into her house. Taking a deep breath and letting it out, Jess took the steps to Mo’s door.
Thanks, Pepp—
Jess’s thought was cut off by Mo swinging the door open the moment she reached it.
“H—”
He swept her into his arms, cutting her off. A tiny part of her protested, feeling like she didn’t deserve his affection, but his warmth and his broad chest and strong arms and utterly irresistible Mo-smell turned off her thoughts. She almost purred when he rested his cheek on her crown and drew a slow, deep breath. Her bones became weak and rubbery, and she wanted to give in to the temptation to just melt inside him. She got a little dizzy from a lack of air and suddenly remembered his present squished between them.
“Can’t breathe,” she said, the word muffled by his chest.
“Hmm?” he asked.
She tried to shift a little, but he didn’t budge.
“Hard to breathe.”
“Oh! Sorry,” he said, letting her go. He stepped back, waving her inside as he closed the door. Being able to take a full breath was great, but she was gutted to lose his warmth and smell.
“What was that?” she asked, smiling.
He smiled back.
“Eavesdropping,” he said. “I didn’t realize that the window was cracked until you and Mrs. Sargysan were in the middle of your conversation.”
Jess’s face flashed hot. She swallowed hard.
“Well,” she said. “If nothing else, you know that you have an ardent protector.”
He chuckled.
“That I do,” he said.
For a moment, she wasn’t sure what to do. She wasn’t sure how to transition into what she wanted to tell him. He was looking at her, face open and sweet. He’d seen the gift; she could start with that. Or maybe the apology should come first. Or the gift? Being indecisive was strange and uncomfortable.
What would Cassie do?
The gift. She liked seeing people enjoy her gifts. Jess raised the ivy plant, ready to give it to him, then froze when she looked him in the eye. His lips were curled together, hiding in his beard.
“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Are you okay?”
“Are you?” he asked, smiling. She smiled back.
“No, not really,” she said.
“Let’s go sit down,” he said. She nodded, and he rested a hand on her back as they walked to the couch. His touch steadied the jumble inside of her.
“You know what,” she said, sitting down. “Let’s do it like a Band-Aid.”
“Okay,” he said, sitting beside her.
She placed the ivy on the coffee table and took a deep breath.
“Mo, I am intensely sorry. I was an idiot. Multiple times over,” she said. “I decided what you are capable of handling and then made a decision for both of us based on that. And I did it with the full knowledge that that choice itself would cause you pain. So I hurt you to not hurt you, which makes zero sense.”
“Jess, it’s—”
“Wait,” she said, cutting him off. “Please let me just say all this. I don’t want to forget anything.”
“Okay,” he said, smiling and folding his hands in his lap.
“So,” she said, “it would be beyond reasonable for you to decide to return to your life the way it was before, maintaining your safe spaces and spending time with people who respect you and the way that you manage your HSP, respect your agency. If that’s what you want, I’ll one hundred percent respect it and won’t bother you in any way. At first, I was just going to do that. Keep my mouth shut and keep out of your way. But that’s another form of compartmentalizing, and I’ve decided that I’m not going to do that anymore. And I’m taking action. I’ve started on a plan that Alice and Stephanie helped me put together. It’s mainly for my grief, but you’re part of it, too.”
“I am?” he asked, eyebrows raised.
“Yes.”
“What…about me?” he asked.
“This.” Jess gestured between the two of them. “Me apologizing for being an arrogant dumbass.” He frowned, then raised his arms like he was asking for a hug. She happily melted into them.
“You are not an arrogant dumbass,” he said. His words were nice to hear, but better to feel reverberating from his body into hers. “You just made a mistake in trying not to hurt me because you know it can be easier to do so than with other people. I knew you were coming from an overabundance of concern, not of malice. Things were jumbled up for you because you’re struggling about Cassie.”
“I’m working on that,” she said, resting her head on his shoulder. “I have my first appointment with a grief counselor next week, and I’m going to a support group meeting on Tuesday.” He pulled back so he could make eye contact with her, his smile a mile wide.
“That’s great, Jess. I’m really happy for you.”
She smiled and pulled him in, snuggling close. She closed her eyes, drowning herself in Mo-smell as he began running his fingers through the ends of her hair.
“That’s a nice ivy,” he said after a few moments.
“I wanted to get some purple hyacinths, too. But they didn’t have any,” she said. He went stock-still. His fingers stopped moving, his chest no longer rising and falling. She smirked but kept her head tucked so he couldn’t tell.
“Why…an ivy and purple hyacinths?” he asked softly.
“Why cranberry flowers? Or any of the flowers you’ve given me?” she asked, raising her head. She held in her giggle at the shock on his face. “I didn’t realize it at the time,” she said. “But I asked Alice and Steph for help for tonight. Maybe a plant as a gift. When they pointed out what you’ve been doing, I decided to speak your language to apologize.”
He glanced down at his lap but not before she caught the shimmer in his eyes.
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am, Mo.” She took his hand. “You didn’t deserve that. I wanted to show you I’m sorry, and I’d like another chance. Even if it might be bumpy as I work through things.”
His cheeks reddened and he tucked his chin.
There’s the big shy kid.
“That’s why I chose the ivy,” she said, smiling. “For fidelity. If you do give me another shot, I won’t let you go again.”
Mo sniffed and blinked quickly. He closed his other hand around hers.
“I won’t let you go, either,” he said. “Let’s take that shot.”