Chapter 15
Drew
I
drive home from the grocery store not really sure how to feel, listening to Paramore’s “Hard Times”, as I drive through the flurries of snow.
Do I feel better? Worse? The same?
What I did know is that the last person I ever thought I’d want around was the person who was somehow there when I needed it.
And I didn’t push him away.
It wasn’t until I got home to my apartment and started putting my groceries away that I remembered Reed coming over just a few hours ago. That he said all the wrong things just a few hours ago. That me closing the door in his face—again—was just a few hours ago. I check my phone to see if I missed it vibrate, but there’s still no response from the apology text I sent after I got off the phone with Lacey.
Lacey.
I should tell her what just happened, give her a quick call back. She would love to know that my grumpy neighbor felt bad enough for me that he approached me at the grocery store. He probably could tell I was about to fall apart because he treated me like I could crumble at any moment.
It should have been humiliating. More so than the times he made comments about what he heard going on up here or out-right told me he had no interest in talking to me.
I finish putting my groceries away, trying to distance my mind from what just happened. I head into the living room to find something to watch on the TV. I turn on Breaking Dawn Part 1, picking up where Lacey and I left off yesterday and distract myself with the problems of the characters in front of me, rather than my own.
After about an hour, my stomach starts to growl, but I can’t find my appetite. It’s been almost two days without a solid meal, but I can bring myself to eat something of substance. I check the time, and it’s about 1 o’clock. I could make lunch, or I could turn on Breaking Dawn Part 2 and continue to distract myself. I go with the latter and make myself comfortable, grabbing a blanket and laying down.
The movie is about 30 minutes in when I feel my eyelids begin to get heavy. I fight to keep them open, focusing hard on the screen in front of me, but the darkness takes over.
As if no time has passed, my eyes snap open, and I’m covered in a cold sweat. The blanket I covered myself with a few hours ago is now wrapped around me so tightly, I feel like my limbs are adhered to my body. I try to unwrap myself, but I’m shaking, my heart pounding in my ears, and it takes me a second to register where I am, what day it is, and what is happening to me.
My mouth is dry; my throat coarse. I try to take control of my breathing, but my chest is pumping up and down so fast. I can’t get the air to my lungs.
I peel my arms from my sides to pull the blanket off of me, feeling a trickle of liquid coming from my palms.
Blood.
My fists were clenched so tightly, and I broke skin.
I slowly push myself up with my arms, still trying to control my breathing, and I swing my legs back below me so I’m in a sitting position. My apartment is now dark, the TV is no longer making a sound, and I tell myself I have to regain my composure.
I steady myself on my coffee table in front of me and slowly stand up, grabbing my phone from the couch and connecting it to my speaker to play some music. My fingers are shaking as I try to click the right buttons, but Hayley Williams voice finally breaks the silence. I breathe along to the beat of the music playing and slowly make my way to the bathroom where I am met with a reflection of a person who is on the verge of falling apart.
I turn on the sink and dip my head under the running water for a few sips, trying to relieve the dryness in my throat. I could tell that if I tried to talk, my voice would be hoarse and cracked.
How did I lose my voice in my sleep?
I haven’t checked the time, but I fell asleep just after the opening scenes of Breaking Dawn Part 2. When I finally woke up, the movie and ending credits were long over.
I must have had been asleep for about three hours, longer than any nap I would’ve taken before all of this. But why is my body more strained and tired than it was before?
I walk back into the kitchen and glance at the time on my oven. It’s a little past 4 PM now, and I have to find a way to stay busy—and awake—for the rest of the day.
Grabbing some coffee grounds and a filter to put a pot on, the smell reminds me of the morning, waking up well-rested and ready for the day, but it will be serving a different purpose today.
While I wait for the coffee to brew, I grab the box of Pop-Tarts I put in my pantry and pull out a foiled package. I open it up, slide one out of the packaging, and break it in half before taking a bite, the sweet frosting and tangy filling making me feel much better almost immediately after swallowing.
The coffee is almost done, so I reach into the cabinet above for a mug and set it on the counter. I head over to my bookshelf, taking a look at the To Be Read shelf and pick a book that will keep my attention and my eyes open for the next few hours. It’s a 300-page thriller, recommended to me by Lacey. I throw it on the couch as I walk back to the kitchen to grab my coffee.
I spend the rest of the evening reading, getting through the first thriller in a little over three hours, liking it but not loving it.
I get off the couch for the first time since I sat down to start reading and walk back over to my shelf to grab another thriller to read in bed.
Once again, I keep my eyes open until I can’t bear the weight of my eyelids any longer. I fight to stay awake to get to the climax of the story, but the words are starting to blend together on the page. I end up falling asleep around nine, knowing I won’t get any rest.
Christmas Day is uneventful which is sad to say about a holiday that is known for happiness and cheer. I spend the day celebrating by myself with some online shopping, scheduling a grocery delivery for tomorrow, eating more Pop-Tarts, and watching two of my favorite Christmas movies: Elf and Home Alone.
Most of the day is spent on the couch, occasionally looking out the window at the piles of snow that formed overnight. It’s sunny, and the light peaking in automatically brightens my mood. I can’t remember the last time we had a Christmas Day with piles of snow and sunshine in Wisconsin.
I also spent a solid amount of time trying to focus on my book to avoid the itch I had to scroll through my phone. I’ve been avoiding social media since Friday along with the texts from my parents. I only grab my phone to open Lacey’s text–Wishing you a merry day! She followed it with a gif of Snoopy and Woodstock putting ornaments on a Christmas tree.
I responded to her message with a gif of SpongeBob in a Santa hat, and we’ve been going back and forth about the family drama she’s witnessing in Seattle.
I finish the thriller I started last night with still half the day left, so I spend the evening plummeting into a love story of Hades and Persephone, needing a change in genre. The fantasy-romance has me so wrapped up in the story, I reach the last two chapters and wonder how the author is going to finish up the story in less than fifteen pages. When I get to the last page, I find that it is because she doesn’t, and this is just the first book in a series.
Leave it to me to buy a book that is part of the series and not even know it.
Now, I have to wait to read the next book and find a time this week to venture out amongst all the people returning the gifts they’re probably opening right now, to get the rest of the books.