Chapter 19
Emmett
I
t sounded like Drew got up around 8 o’clock, showered, and went about her day. All of which I was happy to hear… Literally. I hope she ate something too.
The movements ceased for a few hours this morning, so I thought maybe she was napping, but then I heard something like a remote or maybe a book fall, which told me she was doing something to keep her mind at bay.
When I was in her apartment yesterday, it was the first time I felt like I gained a glimpse of who she was: what she liked, what she did, and how she spent her free time.
I felt her fall asleep on me, and I didn’t want to move. I tried my hardest not to disturb her because I wasn’t sure how much sleep she’s gotten since I heard her screaming on Christmas Day.
And, Christmas Day was three days ago.
I haven’t heard anything like that coming from up there since then, which makes me assume she hasn’t been sleeping at all.
Those kind of nightmares don’t just stop.
When her breathing steadied and tension in her body released, I knew I couldn’t risk moving and waking her up, so I just looked around. Taking in her space, taking in her breath, taking in what I felt having my arms around her.
It is hard for me to describe how I felt when I heard her fall to the floor, but I didn’t even hesitate when I heard that thud.
Finding her in that position, glued to the floor, her knuckles white, her eyes squeezed shut, I felt this immense crack in my chest as my heart broke for her. I wanted nothing more than to take away the pain I saw in her, wanting to do anything I could to make her feel better.
Instead of running towards her and taking her into my arms, never letting go, I slowly walked to her, making sure she could sense my every move. I felt like I was approaching an injured fawn, too scared to move but could bolt at any second.
When she took my hand, I wished I could absorb the struggle. I wished I could stop the battle in her head, the battle I knew all too well, between wanting to forget and wanting to heal.
After about an hour, I carried her to her bed. I didn’t want her to wake up, but I also didn’t want her to feel embarrassed for falling asleep on me, so I figured leaving before she opened her eyes was the best way to avoid that.
I would have stayed all day, not having anywhere else I would have preferred to be, but my better judgement convinced me otherwise.
When I hooked my arms under her legs, pulling her onto my lap, her breathing didn’t even shift. I figured she wouldn’t be waking up anytime soon.
I felt this strange twirl in my stomach carrying her into her bedroom, and I couldn’t figure out if it was a good thing or a bad thing. What I was doing felt intimate but a little invasive. Drew and I are getting to know each other more and more but under circumstances that are anything but ideal. I feel like we’re connected on a level I don’t quite understand, but I’m not sure she feels the same.
I placed her down carefully on her unmade bed and pulled the covers over her, hoping the state of peace I saw on her face was the same state of peace in her mind.
I found her phone in the kitchen and texted myself, so I could save my number in her phone. I’m not quite sure of the support system she has, but one more person can’t hurt.
At least that is what I told myself.
I can’t help but be a little selfish when it comes to this girl.
I plugged her phone into the charger by her bedside and then went back to the kitchen to clean up, hoping that by getting rid of the mess it would help alleviate any extra stress when she woke up.
When I got back to my apartment later that morning, I was surprised with myself. I acted so much on instinct that it almost felt like an out-of-body experience. I tried to only do what Drew needed. Whatever I could do to make her eyes open, her shoulder drop, her knuckles uncurl, her breathing steady, and we barely even talked.
I don’t think she said anything the whole time I was up there.
When we sat down on the couch, and I took in a deep breath, she mirrored me. She understood what I was saying without either of us saying a single word.
I rack my brain for a time I felt a connection like that with anyone else, and nothing comes to mind. I can’t think of a time, even with Riley, where I felt responsible to shield someone from all the things that darken us.
Yet I didn’t even hesitate with Drew.
Then again, Riley never shined as bright as Drew.
And I don’t like seeing Drew’s light so dim.
When Riley left, I thought it would feel like when Lennon died. I thought I would have no choice but to welcome the ache in my chest and the dull pain in my stomach when I thought about her packing up her things and never coming back.
I thought I would wake up in cold sweats grasping for the figure that resembled Riley in my dreams, going through the day with a sense of uneasiness that made even the simplest of tasks difficult.
But, to my surprise, none of that ever happened. Instead, I felt a sense of freedom and empowerment, as if the eggshells I had been walking on for the entirety of my and Riley’s relationship vanished. My bed didn’t feel empty, it just felt bigger. My place didn’t feel lonely, it just felt quiet. My life didn’t feel upended, it felt like it was mine.
It didn’t feel like the aftermath of losing Lennon, and I didn’t spend much time missing Riley like I thought I would.
It’s early evening now, and Drew texted me back a little while ago, thanking me for yesterday and letting me know that she was feeling very well-rested.
The conversation dwindled after I sent a message reminding her to let me know if she needed anything, she could let me know. She just “liked” my message, showing me she received it but not having more to say.
Drew has a way of saying more without even having to find the words.