Chapter 33
Drew
C
ole is my favorite student, and I’ve known him since I started teaching. I know teachers aren’t supposed to have favorites, but it’s human nature. I can’t help but find a little bit of extra love in my heart for Cole, especially knowing all he has been through at such a young age.
As a student teacher, I was placed in his fourth grade classroom, and he was one of my favorite parts of the day.
There was something about him that made the classroom a little brighter. He was always willing to help others, stand up for those who needed it, and show kindness to anyone he crossed. I never would have thought he had the upbringing that he did.
Cole and his older brother, Finn, were raised by their grandparents after tragedy struck their family. When the boys were six and twelve, their dad took his alcohol and patterns of abuse too far, and their mother died at his hands.
Finn was there when the situation unfolded, so their father then turned to him, seeing him as the only other person who would know what he had done and needing to keep him quiet.
Finn never told anyone that his mother didn’t die from natural causes, even though that is all it might have taken for police to look just a little further into the case. How she died didn’t come out until years later, and it was after Finn and Cole’s dad had passed away, finally drinking himself to death.
Justice was never brought to Finn for all the abuse he endured or the secret he kept in fear of his father. Instead, he was just considered lucky, and the only reason being because his dad died, and the abuse ended.
Finn suffered in silence for years, slowly losing trust in anyone and everyone. He dropped out of school by the time he reached high school and disappeared. Cole expressed to me once that he had not heard from Finn since.
As a child, Finn was a victim in so many ways, even at the hands of the school. I remember hearing stories through the grapevine of the district during my student teaching and first-year at the middle school. People said that it was obvious that his teachers and the counselor missed all the vital signs of abuse and neglect. Some even say the adults that were supposed to protect him and report what they were seeing turned a blind eye to what was obviously happening.
Cole was so much younger when their mother died, so the tragedy didn’t seem to hit him as hard as it hit Finn. I don’t think Cole learned the truth about how his mother died until he was older. Likewise, Cole never suffered the same abuse from their father as Finn. It is rumored this was because they were half-brothers, only sharing the same mother, but no one knows for certain.
Over these past few years, I had the opportunity to watch Cole grow, and I looked forward to the year he would be in my classroom.
His fourth grade teacher always said, “Cole showing up every day is a miracle in itself.”
I never understood that until I had him on my own roster.
I feel Emmett’s eyes on me as I read through the articles about Finn. My mind is moving at a rate where I can barely finish a thought before being overwhelmed by ten more. My mind went from Cole to his family to Finn to the lives Finn took.
My feelings about the shooting and everything that has happened since were already so complicated, but this took things to a whole other level.
The latest articles released about Finn had interviews from his grandparents and Cole. His grandparents were quoted from their narrative that they haven’t seen or heard from Finn in years, and this makes my heart ache for this boy, barely an adult, and how sick he must be to do something like this. But, also making my stomach burn with hatred for him and what he has done.
Cole explains in his interview that his brother had been through so much and how Finn’s reality was warped because no sane person would have done what he did. Cole, even in a time like this, showing empathy and kindness for someone who doesn’t deserve it, but that same someone who is his brother.
Tears fall down my face, one after another, as I think about Cole and how scared, hurt, and angry he must be, and I’m surprised there are still tears left to fall.
Another article explains how investigators have reason to believe that Finn had been planning the attack for a while, wanting to go and do the most damage as possible for his own vindictive, twisted reasoning.
I can tell that Emmett is worried about me, unsure of exactly how to help me, especially because of the wall I had to put up between us. I’m still unsure if continuing whatever is between us is a good idea, but there are more important things on the forefront of my mind right now.
I close my computer, telling myself that I have had more than enough. I feel a sense of pride that I was able to do this, but it is overshadowed with guilt.
I am okay.
I am fine.
I am lucky.
I came out of there alive, and I owe it to those who didn’t.
I owe it to the lives lost and those impacted by this tragedy to ensure that no child ever feels like they were left behind by the adults who are there to take care of them, to teach them, to make them feel valued and part of a community where they can grow and flourish no matter who they are or what they’ve been through.
My head falls into my hands as I try to make the tears stop, and Emmett’s arms wrap around me, pulling me into his chest. I let him even though I’m conflicted because I know I am strong enough to handle this, but is it okay to accept his support and comfort?
I slowly feel myself calm down, and I lift my head from his chest, finding his eyes.
We don’t say anything, understanding that this moment may or not be the start of something, but that doesn’t matter right now.
I wake up the next morning in a bit of a daze. After Emmett went home last night, I went to bed, completely exhausted from the events of the day. It was about eleven o’clock by the time my head hit my pillow, and I was asleep within minutes.
I reach for my phone on my bedside table and find myself smiling at the message waiting for me.
The text reads, Morning. Did you sleep well? Let me know if you need anything. Vodka clubs with limes are my specialty these days :)
My heart swoons, and I feel my cheeks heat.
Damn it.
I have to get my bodies reactions to Emmett in check because there he goes again, making belly overflow with fluttering wings.
Emmett has a way of always knowing the right thing to say and the right time to say it to get a reaction out of me. And these days, the reactions go far more deeper than they did before.
I’ve learned through the reading I’ve done about trauma and recovering that what is most helpful during a time like this is someone who is there for you, reminding you that they are there whenever you may need it. And, that is exactly what Emmett does.
I “heart” the message and respond with a flirty sentiment, How neighborly of you :) Maybe see you later. I see the three dots appear seconds after my message is marked as delivered. I anxiously wait for his reply, hoping my “neighborly” comment keeps both of us in check.
You’re more than a neighbor, Drew. I hope I see you tonight.
Well, that didn’t work.
It’s around 9 AM, and I have no plans for the day except for the possibility of visiting a bar owner who is somehow always so heavy on my mind.
I have a few days before an email is supposed to be sent out about how the transition back to school for staff and students is going to go. There have been meetings taking place at the district office this week and they extended the schools’ closure another week, but I haven’t received anything explaining the plans being discussed. With it being the Wednesday of the second extra week we have off following Winter Break, I’m sure we’ll be getting an email early next week.
I spent the day reading the next book of the Hades and Persephone series, thanks to Emmett’s thoughtful gift. I, once again, dive into the beautiful yet catastrophic love story, one built on a connection that neither quite understands.
This book is longer than the first one, so it takes me most of the day, also due to a couple breaks for some snacks and a quick text or two to Lacey about calling her later this week, before finishing just in time for Happy Hour.
Still in my t-shirt and leggings from last night, I peel myself up from the couch to actually get myself ready to leave my apartment and head over to Lenny’s.
I slip on my favorite pair of black jeans and a beige crop top. I let my hair down from the clip it’s been in since I woke up this morning, letting my red waves roam free, noticing I need to make an appointment to get the color freshened. I add some concealer and mascara to my face before throwing a black-knit cardigan on and slipping into my winter coat. January has not brought much snow yet, but it is definitely bringing the cold.
I step into my Vans, grab my keys, and head out the door.