Chapter Thirty-Three #2
Her words are like little daggers to the heart because, yeah, that’s exactly how it feels because that’s exactly what was needed for so long.
A breath lodges in my throat and I find myself unable to respond.
I think about all the tantrums I handled.
All the times, when I was also on the way to school, I had to deal with one of their meltdowns or forgotten homework, or last-minute shop runs for food tech because Dad would already be at work.
I think about all the childhood I gave up for these three and wonder if any of them are even grateful.
“Yeah,” I say finally. “That’s exactly how it feels for me too. Because you know what? You needed a mother figure. All of you did. And I did the best I fucking could! So, I’m sorry if you feel like you can’t relate to me as a sister these days. But I feel the same way about all of you.”
They’re quiet, absorbing my outburst as I pretend to cut the roasted parsnip on my plate. Then, when nothing is said, I sigh, get up from the kitchen island and make myself a drink so I can turn my back on them.
I can feel them bickering silently behind me.
After a moment, Abby gently says, “Sara? We’re sorry.”
“Yeah. Same,” Gemma says, half-heartedly.
Millie doesn’t say anything because she’s the youngest and Abby already spoke for her. I laugh into my cup, exasperated. I guess at least it’s better than crying. When I turn back to them, they’re all looking at me, wide-eyed and apologetic.
“Yes,” I say finally. “I spent a lot of time with Gus from Just4Summer while I was away. Things,” I shake my head, heat warming my cheeks, “happened.”
“Did you sleep with him?” Millie asks. Because, of course, when all is said and done, that’s the real juice. It’s all that matters. Even if it’s none of her business and I’d never ask them same of her. The fact that she readily gives up that information is beside the point.
I raise my shoulders and twist my lips. “Maybe.” But they continue to stare. “Fine. Yes. Yes, I did.”
All three of their mouths pop open, their jaws practically on the floor.
“But you’re not allowed to tell anyone!” I warn, pointing at them.
“I shagged my window cleaner,” Gemma says. Which… Huh?
Millie covers her face. “I gave one of Dad’s cadets a blowjob behind the Portaloos at the summer fundraiser.”
“Millie!” I exclaim. “That’s aw—”
She holds up a finger, pausing me mid-sentence. “Before you judge, Gemma’s window cleaner is in his sixties. Oh, and the rule is you can’t judge.”
“And I had a one-night stand at some randomer’s house after clubbing a few weeks ago and he paid me a wad of cash because he thought I was hooker,” Abby adds. “Apparently the going rate for a shag is two hundred quid.”
Millie and Gemma both start chuckling at Abby whose cheeks have gone an alarming shade of red.
“Ok?” I don’t understand why they’re telling me this.
“Now you have dirt on us. So, your secret is safe.”
I laugh, unsure what to do with that information. “I don’t know if that’s how it works.”
Millie holds her hands up, as if I’m overthinking it. “Well, it works for us.”
“I’ve added you to the group chat,” Abby says smiling. “Sister.”
After that Abby helps me clear the plates into the dishwasher as Gemma and Millie work out how to reheat the apple crumble I also ordered from the local pub.
We finally sit down again, spooning our deserts.
“So, was he good?” Millie asks, a cheeky glint in her eye.
“At dancing?” I ask, innocently.
“Sure. Naked dancing.”
“Millie. I’m your sister.”
“Come on, Sara,” Gemma goads.
“I’m not telling you guys that. What I will say… is he was fun to be around.”
“I bet he was!” Millie squeals. “So, you’re really not speaking to him anymore?”
I shrug like it’s of no importance and not physically hurting my heart every time I think about him, like I missed something, like I left my person behind. “No.”
“Why not?”
“Because he’s a famous popstar. He lives in a different universe to me. It would never work.” It’s so matter of fact. So honest. And yet, so damningly horrible to say out loud.
The three of them share a look as if they can read me.
“Ok. I’m going to be a bitch for once,” Gemma says. When is she ever not a bitch?
“You’re self-sabotaging. You lead this perfect little life.
And yes, you have a fab career and earn a good salary.
Look at you and your gorgeous apartment, all fucking independent and shit.
You almost had the perfect, boring man. You would’ve had perfectly boring children and lived a dull, but safe life. ”
“Fuck me. Say what you really mean, Gemma!”
“I am. I’m being completely honest.”
Sarcasm often evades her.
“So what?” I ask. “Are we just back to roasting me every time we hang out? I know you think I’m uptight, and stressy, I’m not an idiot.
You’ve told me enough times. But have you ever stopped and thought about the fact that I lost a mum too?
That I was still a child. I was fourteen.
I wanted to be carefree. But carefree isn’t how you manage to keep your life on track.
I have to be steady, so I am here and ready to help you out, help Dad out, when or if any of you need me. ”
Gemma swallows. Millie looks at her bowl. Abby is fiddling with her spoon.
“We’re adults now,” Millie says, her voice small. “You don’t have to be there for us.”
“When did you become so grown up?” Gemma asks her in a patronising tone.
They glare at each other.
“Is that why you’re not speaking to Gus?” Abby interjects, ignoring the other two. “Because you’re worried being with him would send your life off track?”
I shrug. I feel like that oversimplifies the issue. Because it’s more than that. There’s fear there too. There’s a lack of belief in myself which I sometimes disguise as needing to be steady. “Partly. I don’t know. It just… He’s a very famous popstar.”
I don’t know why I need to explain that further.
“A hot one,” Millie says. “Who really liked you. You can tell by the photos. He was down bad. That’s why they’re so keen to find out who you are. He hasn’t looked at many girls like that.”
“I—”
“You can afford a little off track,” Gemma says, rolling her eyes. “It will make us look a lot less scatty if you’re also a little scatty. Honestly, you’d be doing us a favour. Go mess up your life a bit. Do some dumb shit.”
Millie nods. “Yeah. Fuck it. You’ve worked so hard. You’re too…” she gestures to all of me and doesn’t finish the sentence. Good. Great. Love that for me. “I’ll admit, I almost didn’t recognise you in some of those photos. You were smiling so… big. And you seemed so relaxed.”
“I was on holiday.”
She gives me a look. “That’s not why.”
I focus on finishing the excessive amount of custard that Millie poured onto the crumble. Just4Summer songs are still playing from her phone, albeit quieter now where she’s turned it down to talk. It’s hard to ignore that my sisters all go silent whenever he’s singing too.
I can’t. It’s a fruitless, pointless conversation. I drop my spoon into my bowl. “It’s all irrelevant anyway. I don’t know even have his number. He has to change it all the time for security reasons.”
“Then slide into his DMs,” Millie says, like it’s obvious.
“What does that mean?”
They all roll their eyes at me this time. “You spend way too much time in that corporate job surrounded by old men.”
So, we’re back to roasting Sara. Yay!
“Oh!” I say, a thought suddenly occurring to me. “I actually do have something. Wait here.”