13. Levi
thirteen
Brigham, you can spitefully and maliciously hurt me all you want, but what you’ve done to your mother is inexcusable.
Iblinked at my phone as I walked across the lawn at SUU, my boots crunching the icy, dirty snow. It was the end of January, and this was the first communication I’d received from my father since Thanksgiving. My mother sent a weekly Sunday text to let me know she’d been praying for the Lord to soften my heart. She’d also sent a text on Christmas Eve with my dinner contribution assignment for Christmas dinner. I’d ignored them all. I did wonder how my family managed their holiday dinner without the cranberry jello salad, though.
I slid my phone back into my pocket, shaking my head. If my father was texting me now, I was in serious trouble. That was the only time my father got involved with parenting growing up. He acted as the hammer who laid down the law.
The scared child inside of me felt my phone burning a hole in my pocket. I had to answer my father’s text. I couldn’t ignore him and be disrespectful.
Disrespectful.
Lazy.
Sinful.
Malicious.
Spiteful.
My breath quickened, and my heart rate ticked up. My car waited in the parking lot. I could see it now. I told myself the feeling would pass if I could make it to my car. That became how I coped with leaving the church and sticking to my decision, especially when faced with Gina’s tears. Whenever I almost caved under the pressure, I would tell myself, “Make it to 3 pm, make it to Monday, get around the corner.”
Most of the time, it worked.
I pulled my keys from my pocket and unlocked my car, waiting for the dizzying guilt to subside. I’d destroyed my marriage. I’d broken my mother’s heart. I’d called my father abusive on Thanksgiving Day in front of our entire family. I hadn’t even shown up for Christmas.
Hard-hearted.
Hurtful.
Wicked.
I slid into the driver’s seat and closed the door with shaking hands. I didn’t feel better yet. I started the car and turned up the heat. My breath still formed small white clouds as I tried to steady it.
My phone dinged again. One part of me scoffed and suggested I block my father’s number. The scared part of me whispered, “Submit. Apologize. You were awful.” I glanced at the message and immediately wished I hadn’t.
I suspect you’ll do the immature thing and refuse to answer me. I’m highly disappointed in you. We taught you better. If you care for this family, you’ll call your mother and apologize. That’s all I’ve got to say to you.
I closed the message and called Thea.
“Hey, professor,” she answered lazily.
Warmth spread through my chest, and I backed out of my parking spot. “What are you doing right now?”
“I am unpacking boxes of napkins at The Station. Are you done teaching for the day?” I could hear light chatter and the clinking of glasses in the background. It sounded like home, and I wanted to be there with her.
“Yeah. I’m heading home now.” I didn’t have much to say. I couldn’t even think of anything to ask her, but her voice had already steadied me so much. I wanted to keep hearing it.
“And you were thinking, man, I wonder what Thea is doing because she’s so cool and interesting. So you called me and found out I was opening cardboard boxes. Now, you’re jealous and planning on driving all night so you can hang out with me, but Levi, don’t. I’ll finish with these boxes in about ten minutes, and then what will we do?”
I laughed, and more tension melted from my body. “I could think of a few things.” Little did she know, I meant hand-holding or kissing, like a freaking twelve-year-old, because I was broken.
“Oh. My. God. Are you flirting with me?” Thea’s gorgeous, genuine laugh made me smile even harder.
“Is it working?”
Thea laughed again. “Maybe. I’ll never confirm or deny it.” She quickly changed the subject. “So, how are things with your family?”
I’d told her about Thanksgiving a few weeks ago, and she’d applauded me. Thea gave me that tiny bit of validation I didn’t realize I desperately needed. She’d said, “Good for you. Boundaries are healthy. That’s what two out of the three therapists I’ve seen in my life have championed. They’re probably right.”
I sighed and pulled up to my apartment. “I got a text from my dad today. He drove home the fact that I’m a huge disappointment and need to apologize to my mom.”
Thea made a tsking noise. “Um, no. Your mom needs to apologize to you. Also, sometimes disappointing people is fun. Hey, you should add that to your list!”
I laughed and shook my head. “I’ve already done that one several times.” I said the next words without thinking, “I’ve even disappointed you.” I still hadn’t told her I never slept with the brunette. It never came up naturally in a conversation. Maybe I could tell her now.
There was a long pause before she answered. “Eh. No, you didn’t. I tend to overreact. It’s my only flaw.” Someone in the background spoke to her, and she continued. “Hey, I have to go. One of Lenny’s bartenders called in sick, and she needs a hand tonight. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Talk to you soon.” Thea ended the call first, and I headed to my apartment feeling better and worse. I didn’t need to answer my father’s text, but Thea still had my head spinning. She was the warmth to my cold, the courage to my fear, the laughter to my sadness, but at the same time, the ache to my loneliness and the confusion to my clarity.
My head had been spinning since the moment I met her. Would it ever stop?
Not unless I told her how I felt.
Another uneventful week passed, and then I got a call from Gina. She sold our house after she married Colton and moved in with him. She got more than expected from the sale and said she felt dishonest keeping it all. My ex-wife wanted to give me my share of the money. I told her I didn’t want it, but she insisted.
Now, Gina stood in my doorway, and it felt like an out-of-body experience. She clutched her brown leather bag with one hand and smoothed her pink pea coat with the other. Her black slacks were perfectly pressed, as always. I felt like I’d transformed multitudes in the last eight months since our divorce, but Gina remained unchanged.
I wondered if she still worked as a credit union assistant manager now that she was a mother. She’d always wanted to stay home with the kids and had secretly hated her career.
“Hi, Brigham.” Her smile was hesitant, and our eye contact felt almost painful. Gina’s eyes moved from my face to the tiny slice of tattoo visible beneath my sleeve. They lingered there, full of familiar disappointment, until I spoke.
“Hey, Gina. Come in.” I held the door open to welcome her into my apartment and out of the early February cold.
“Oh, no! I’m not staying long.” She tucked her straight blonde hair behind her ears. “I’m only dropping off the check that we talked about.”
Gina unzipped her purse and pulled out her pale pink wallet — the one my mother gave her for Christmas three years ago. She slipped out a neatly folded check and handed it over, careful not to let our fingers touch.
“Thanks, Gina. You didn’t have to do this.” I held up the check.
“Of course.” Gina sighed and smoothed her coat again. “Brigham, I… well, I spoke to Becca the other day, and she told me you didn’t show up for Christmas dinner. She said you don’t answer calls or texts either. It’s killing your mother. Are you doing alright?” Her eyes briefly darted to meet mine before falling back to her plain black flats.
Of course, Gina still talked to my brother’s wife. Gina probably spoke to my entire family more than I did. I rubbed the back of my neck. “I’ve told my family repeatedly what I need from them to have a relationship. That’s up to them now.” I’d worked hard to convince myself of that over the past few weeks.
Gina frowned. “But, they’re your family, Brigham. You can’t shut them out because you chose to turn your back on everything you were taught.”
I inwardly groaned. Gina and I had had this exact fight hundreds of times. I took a deep breath and answered her original question. “Gina, I’m doing fantastic. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life.” Despite the occasional anxiety and guilt that reared their ugly heads, I truly was happy. I loved graphic design. I loved hiking, even when the weather sucked. I loved drinking coffee in my underwear on Sunday mornings. I loved not speaking to my family. I loved talking to Thea on the phone every night. Green eyes and purple hair filled my mind, and I couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across my face. “Seriously, I’m great.”
“Oh, Brigham.” Gina blinked at me, pure pity and skepticism on her face. Finally, it didn’t bother me. Mormons were taught that sinners like me were incapable of feeling true happiness. Maybe she’d understand someday, but it was no longer my job to convince her.
“I go by Levi now.” I’d decided that I sure as hell couldn’t be Brigham anymore, so Thea’s name for me stuck. When Gina only frowned in confusion, I smiled and said, “Good to see you, Gina, and thanks for the check. I hope you’re happy, too.” I wrapped up the conversation and closed the door on my ex-wife with a friendly wave.
Not every ending had to be sad, did it?
I unfolded the check and raised my eyebrows at the amount. I was expecting maybe $20k, but I held a check for $85k instead. It wasn’t enough to change my life, but it was enough for a fresh start. The rest would be up to me.
My phone rang as I contemplated quitting my job, buying an RV, and traveling the country doing every noteworthy hike under the sun.
“Three weeks!” Thea yelled into the phone as soon as I answered.
Our national parks road trip was in three weeks. We’d been planning it since Thea suggested it. We’d worked out that the North Rim would be our starting point. From there, we’d head up to Bryce Canyon, followed by Zion, then Arches, and ending in Colorado, where I’d drop Thea off and head back to Utah on my own.
“Are you even ready for this, Thea?” I smiled and collapsed onto my couch, feeling lighter than I had in months. “Did you get all the hotels booked?” I was in charge of routes and food, and Thea was in charge of hotels.
“Uh… about that.” I imagined Thea biting her full lower lip. I imagined her lips a lot lately. “I was able to get two rooms for Zion and Bryce Canyon. I guess Arches is a popular spring break destination, and I could only book one room at the closest hotel. I did look at a few farther hotels, but their room rates were even higher for some reason, and it would take us way over budget. What do you think?”
I paused and glanced down at the check still in my hand. Over budget didn’t matter anymore. I almost offered to pay for the more expensive rooms but found myself saying, “One room is fine.”
“Are you sure?” Thea sounded nervous, almost, but that didn’t match Miss Confident Goddess’s personality.
“Yeah, I’m fine with it if you’re fine with it. If it makes you uncomfortable, though, I’ll pay the extra.” She was on a fluctuating budget with her art commissions. Some months, she made a killing, and others, she made almost nothing. I knew February had been a slow month for her so far.
“Psh. Why would that make me uncomfortable, Levi? I’ve seen naked men before.” All of her poise returned.
I laughed out loud. “Who says you get to see me naked?” My heart pounded in my throat. Joking about it was one thing. Thinking about it actually happening made me feel sick with guilt and thrilled at the same time.
Thea shot back, “Who says I want to see you naked?” Before I could answer, she continued, “You’re not dating anyone, right? I need to confirm that when you inevitably fall in love with me, you won’t break some cute Target and latte-loving blonde’s heart.”
“Why does she have to love Target and lattes?” I grinned into the phone. “I think you’d have more to worry about if she loved emo bands and chamomile tea.”
Thea’s laugh lost its easiness. “Whatever, Levi. Stop flirting with me.” She cleared her throat. “Did you pick any cool restaurants?”
I was starting to learn that Thea changed the subject any time I hit too close to her real emotions. I’d let her off the hook for now. “No. Only gross restaurants with one-star reviews that will definitely give us food poisoning.”
“Perfect. I knew I liked you.”
I sighed jokingly. “I knew you liked me, too.”