17. Levi
seventeen
Thea turned on the shower while I filled a glass with water in the small kitchenette. My mind was still blown by the kiss in front of Delicate Arch. She liked me. Holy shit. And now we were alone together in our single shared hotel room. I should kiss her again, shouldn’t I? I’d do it as soon as she got out of the shower.
Damn, that was a good kiss.
I headed for my suitcase that sat on the counter outside the bathroom, surprised to see the bathroom door still open.
Thea stood in the open doorway, locked me in her gorgeous green gaze, and played with the hem of her t-shirt. She slowly lifted it, giving me an enticing view of her bare stomach. My body flooded with desire— desire and guilt.
I worked so hard last night trying to absolve my Mormon guilt after I left Thea’s room, but it reared its ugly, powerful head in an instant.
Words from my childhood played in my mind like a broken record. Fornication is next to murder in the eyes of God. Obey the law of chastity. Premarital sex is a grave sin. Pornography is vile and filthy.
And then I was twenty-one again, sitting in my bishop’s office with the door closed as he conducted my premarital worthiness interview.
“Good afternoon, Brother Thompson.” His smile didn’t reach his eyes. I hadn’t done anything horribly wrong, but my hands trembled, and my palms sweated a little. Two nights ago, I squeezed Gina’s backside while we kissed. I knew it was wrong, but I was caught up in the heat of the moment, knowing she’d be my wife in less than a week. Gina cried after I did it because it made her feel dirty. Was that something I needed to confess to my bishop? Had Gina already told her bishop what I did? Would this sin keep us from being married in the temple?
I wouldn’t survive the shame of having to be married in a civil ceremony. Everyone would know that we’d done something wrong. Everyone would whisper and gossip. The thought of my father’s rage if I embarrassed him this way made it difficult to swallow.
“Brother Thompson,” my bishop continued. “The Lord is pleased with your decision to be married in the holy temple. Is there any reason He would find you unworthy to receive this great blessing on your wedding day?”
“No.” Was that a lie? Lying to God’s servant could destroy my entire life. God knew every terrible thing I’d ever done.
“Any impure thoughts about your fiance’s body? Any touching of sacred body parts over or under clothing? Have you engaged in the sinful self-harming practice of masturbation?”
I shook my head again, feeling sick to my stomach. God knew every sexual thought I’d ever had. I couldn’t hide my unworthiness from Him.
Then I was ten, sitting cross-legged on the living room floor with the remote in my hand.
A man and woman were in bed together on TV. He was on top of her, and they were making moaning and gasping noises. It made me feel tingly and weird.
Then, my father burst into the room with rage in his eyes. “Turn that filth off, Brigham!” He ripped the remote out of my hand so roughly that it hurt my arm. He switched off the TV and threw the remote against the wall. The back snapped off, and the batteries fell out. “You’ve lost television for a month!” My father’s face filled with disgust.
I didn’t know what I did wrong. What did I do wrong? I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I tried to breathe through the panic, to remind myself that I wasn’t that kid anymore. I didn’t believe what he believed. I didn’t have to fear what he feared. I begged myself to come back to this moment with Thea. She was everything I truly wanted. I couldn’t ruin this.
My heart raced, and my mouth turned dry as Thea tugged her shirt over her head. She fully intended to undress in front of me. What should have been my fantasy slowly turned into my nightmare.
She unzipped her sports bra, and turmoil exploded in my head. I snapped my eyes shut to make it stop.
I heard her breath catch in surprise at my reaction. “Oh,” her voice sounded wounded, and I hated myself. “Sorry. I’ll undress in the bathroom.”
I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t tell her about the traumatic memories holding me captive. Instead, I listened to the bathroom door close behind the woman that I should have had in my arms.
I couldn’t even properly fantasize about having her gorgeous, naked body in my arms.
Fuck the fucking church.
I slammed my palm against the wall in anger and hung my head. I collapsed on one of the two queen beds in the room and tried to work out how to fix this. Thea thought I didn’t want her. That couldn’t have been further from the truth, but actions spoke louder than words. She’d never believe my words after the way I’d acted.
The water turned off, but several minutes passed before Thea returned to the bedroom, fully dressed. Her movements were stiff, and she avoided my gaze as she repacked her bag. We weren’t checking out until tomorrow. Had I hurt her so badly that she wanted to leave now?
“Thea,” I began, hoping to explain my actions in a way that wouldn’t make me lose her. “Look, I’m into you. I —”
“Stop.” She raised her hand to shut me up, an angry fire burning in her eyes. Damn, she was beautiful. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I came onto you and completely misread the situation. That was my bad.” She lowered her hand and continued shoving things into her suitcase, refusing to look at me again while muttering under her breath. “Apparently, some random stranger you met at a bar is good enough for you to fuck, but I’m unworthy.”
I narrowed my eyes, feeling frustrated now. We still hadn’t talked about that last morning in Durango. I convinced myself we didn’t need to talk about it, but clearly, we did. “I never slept with her!”
Thea paused with one hiking boot in her hand. “Yeah, I don’t believe you.”
She responded exactly how I thought she would. “Why? I’m telling the truth. Not every guy is a lying asshole.” I frowned at her, my fingers digging into the edge of the mattress.
“Sure. Okay, Levi. Why didn’t you sleep with her?” Her accusing eyes bore into me, and I could tell she thought I was full of shit.
I stood and paced the length of our hotel room, ready to lay it all out there and have Thea write me off as too messed up, too broken. I let out a deep breath and ran my hands through my hair. “I couldn’t! She kissed me, and I didn’t even enjoy it. I was drunk off my ass, but that woman started taking her clothes off, and I was so uncomfortable that I pretended to fall asleep and had a silent panic attack! Thea, I am so conditioned against sex that I couldn’t even enjoy it when you, the actual woman of my dreams, undressed in front of me. At first, I felt all hot and turned on, and then this crushing guilt swooped in, killing any chance of intimacy.”
I forced myself to look her in the eye. Full of shame and self-loathing, I said, “Look, I get it if that’s too much to deal with. You deserve a guy who can sweep you off your feet and give you what you need in bed, not some broken, weird ex-cult member that can’t even handle seeing you naked.”
Her expression remained unreadable as she watched me fall to pieces and allow a few tears to slip out. What a sad sack of shit I was. “I’m so broken. I want you, but I can’t even touch you without shattering into a million pieces of guilt and anxiety.” My voice trembled, and I tore my eyes away from hers, unable to handle seeing what she thought of my humiliating display.
I sat back on the edge of the bed and rested my head in my hands, staring at the pale green carpet in our hotel room. At least I’d forced myself to stop crying.
Suddenly, I felt Thea’s gentle weight on the bed beside me and the soft stroke of her fingers through the hair at the base of my neck. “Hey,” she said, her voice as smooth as silk, “I’m sorry, Levi. I didn’t even think about your trauma. I was so wrapped up in my insecurities that I got angry when you weren’t ready for what I thought we needed.” She pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. “Your reaction wasn’t about me.”
I caught her gaze, feeling so relieved that she understood. “It wasn’t about you at all. You’re so hot, Thea. I have so much shit to work through.” I hurried to add, “You don’t have to wait around for me to figure it out.”
Thea rolled her eyes and stood. “I’ve got you, Levi.” Then she sat down suddenly with her hand over her mouth and eyes wide. “I laughed when my ex asked if we were dating. I hurt you, didn’t I?” Her eyes filled with concern.
I met her gaze, then looked back down at my lap. “Uh, yeah,” I admitted.
Thea sighed. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t laughing at you. I laughed because I couldn’t picture myself dating anyone. I wasn’t in a good place.”
I smiled weakly and reached over to take her hand. “It’s okay.”
She gave me a thoughtful look and almost whispered, “You’re a good person.” Then she went to the mirror outside the bathroom and brushed her damp hair. “Take a shower, and then let’s order pizza and watch movies.” She turned to smile at me. “I will stay on my bed all night, but you have an open invitation to join me. If you slip into my bed, it can be for kisses or cuddles. It doesn’t have to be sex.”
And almost as soon as it began, my nightmare ended. She understood. She didn’t run out the door to get far away from me. She didn’t blame me for anything that happened between us in September and owned her part of our fight. All pressure was off, and the tightening in my chest finally loosened. “You don’t think I’m insane?” I forced myself to look her in the eye while I awaited her answer.
Thea threw her head back and laughed. “Of course, I think you’re insane! That’s why I like you so damn much!” She returned to where I sat on the bed and took my face in both hands. “You are the sexiest, funniest, kindest, most perfect weirdo I’ve ever met, and I’m here for all of it, okay?”
“Okay.” I smiled. I couldn’t believe I’d had a breakdown only ten minutes ago, and I already felt like smiling again.
“And dude, don’t worry about your strange little traumas. You found my mostly fake suicide notes and didn’t even bat an eye. If that’s not a deal-breaker, then neither is your fear of sex. We’ll figure it out.” She kissed my nose and then collapsed on the other bed.
True to her word, she stayed there all evening until finally turning off the light and announcing her intent to sleep like the dead. “This day exhausted me. Night, sexy.”
“Sleep tight, Thea.” I didn’t know how to call her a cute pet name. Sweet talking was as unnatural to me now as walking into a bar had been six months ago.
I listened to Thea’s soft breathing in the dark and thought about her stunning smile and gorgeous eyes. I thought about the feeling of her lips on mine. She’d described it as home, but it felt more like lightning to me. I wanted to experience it again and had no reason to feel guilty about it.
I threw off my covers and slid into Thea’s bed, heart racing. It didn’t have to be sex. I could hold her and kiss her with no guilt.
As soon as I wrapped my arms around her beautiful, warm body, she snuggled into me and whispered. “I’m glad you’re here.” Thea rested a palm on my chest directly over my heart. After a moment, she asked, “Why is your heart beating so fast?”
I let out a slow breath. “Because I really fucking like you.”
Thea laughed. “You say ‘fuck’ like a pro now.” She tipped her face up to look at me. “I really fucking like you, too.”
I crashed my lips down on hers without another thought. She kissed me back with an intensity that left me breathless, filling me with her fire. I tangled my hands in her silky, purple hair, exploring her lips with mine— slow, sensual kisses, rough, passionate ones, gentle, biting, sweet, hot. I couldn’t get enough.
Thea sighed against my lips. “Damn, Levi. You’re a good kisser. You’ve got me feeling things down in the soul I didn’t know I still had.”
I laughed and nibbled on her lower lip. “Stop pretending like you’re some soulless swamp creature. You’re a goddess, Thea.”
Thea’s silence made me feel like I’d said something incredibly idiotic. I shouldn’t have tried sweet talking. But then she straddled me in bed and kissed me with all the fire she possessed. I ignited and gripped her hips, letting my erection press into her. Her fire swallowed up my guilt for being so filled with desire and lust— burned it all away.
After she’d kissed me senseless, Thea pulled away. “Sorry. Too much.” She rolled off of me and lay beside me, breathing heavily. “Levi, I feel like we’re usually pretty real with each other, so I’ll be real right now. I need an orgasm because I’m so turned on, but I will go take care of that in the bathroom.” She sat up and pressed a chaste kiss to my forehead. “Be right back.”
Thea started to get out of bed, but I gently caught her arm. “Wait.” My heart raced. “Do it here.” What was I thinking? I couldn’t handle seeing tits a few hours ago, and now I thought I’d be totally cool with her having an orgasm while lying next to me?
I could barely see her expression in the dark, but I could make out her raised eyebrows. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I whispered, pulling her back beside me and catching her lips with mine. It was dark. She wouldn’t have to see if I freaked out again.
Thea kissed me one more time before rolling away from me onto her side. “I’ll be quiet.”
“No, don’t.” I slid into the big spoon position, sure she could feel my boner against her gorgeous backside. I felt even more sure when she nestled into it and sighed.
I draped an arm across her waist and felt her slide a hand into her soft cotton leggings. I allowed myself to imagine her fingers parting her slit and the warm, wet tightness that awaited her. I could feel Thea’s arm and abdomen flex as she pleasured herself.
Holy shit. This was the hottest sexual experience of my life, and I didn’t even have my dick out. I felt so dirty and so guilty listening to her soft moans with my body pressed against hers.I waited for the guilt to drown me, to make me pull away, but for a split second, my desire for this incredible woman was stronger. Instead of pulling away, I slid my hand down the front of her leggings, resting my hand gently on hers.
Thea gasped and rubbed harder, rocking her hips into her hand. I kissed her neck until it felt like she was about to climax. Then I slid one finger deep inside of her. Thea moaned as she fell apart in my arms. I felt her tightening around my finger, and lust momentarily blinded me.
Then, the guilt rushed in. It was hardwired. I pulled my hand out of her panties, not wanting her to feel it trembling. Before I could succumb to the self-loathing, Thea turned to face me. She kissed me softly and whispered, “It’s okay, Levi. You’re safe. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Logically, I knew that consensual sexual activity wasn’t wrong. A wedding ring and Mormon God’s approval didn’t suddenly make sex acceptable. “I’m sorry,” I whispered to the perfect woman in my arms.
Thea let out a soft laugh. “Why? That was hot.” She burrowed her head against my chest again. “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll suck your dick until you’re weak in the knees.”
My heart raced. “Whoa.” Guilt and desire swirled around to create an ugly, murky feeling. “I’ve never had a blow job before.” I felt dirty even talking about it.
Thea sat up suddenly, and her gorgeous mouth dropped open in shock. “What? You were married for over ten years, and your wife never sucked dick? What kind of sex did you have?”
I averted my gaze. The room was dark, but I was embarrassed about my lack of sexual experience. “Uh… you know, dutiful sex. The kind you have when God’s in the room, and you’re trying to make a baby to raise in Joseph Smith’s cult.”
Thea nodded. “So missionary position with the lights off. You did drunkenly tell me that your wife sometimes kept her magic underwear on during sex.”
I groaned and covered my face. “I did? I’m humiliated right now. Can we go to sleep?”
Thea laughed. “I’m sorry. I’m trying to make you feel comfortable with sex, but I’m making it worse. Can I try something? I’ll stop the second you ask me to, no questions asked.”
I could feel my heartbeat in my throat.
When I didn’t answer, Thea whispered, “We’ll keep the lights off, and I’ll keep my clothes on. No sex, only fooling around.”
The sound of her husky whisper already had my dick rock hard. I wanted Thea to do things to me, but I wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I still felt awful guilt but whispered back, “Okay.”
Thea bit her lip, kissed me with tongue, then slid down my body until her head disappeared under the covers. First, her hand rubbed my dick through my clothes several times. I flinched but silently begged myself to let Thea touch me, to let myself enjoy how good it felt.
Then, her soft hand slid into my boxers and gripped my length. “Is this okay?” She lifted the covers with her other hand to peek at me. I glanced down, catching sight of her messy hair, teasing eyes, full lips, and cleavage.
I felt absolutely filthy when I replied, “Yeah.”
Thea smirked and let the covers fall over her face again. She slid my boxers down a little to get full access to my dick. Don’t think about church. Don’t think about Gina. Don’t think about your parents. Stay in this moment with the hottest fucking woman you’ve ever met.
My breath caught when both of her hands gripped my dick, and I clenched my fists and shut my eyes when her pillowy, warm lips closed around my tip. Thea took me into her mouth, inch by tortuously slow inch. “Thea,” I moaned. Stop. Don’t stop. Never stop.
Suddenly, she stopped. “What do you want, Levi?” Her voice teased, and her hands rubbed up and down my dick.
In a mildly delirious state, I answered, “You.”
Thea took me in her mouth again until I teetered right on the edge of climax. Then she guided my hand down to my dick. I’d never masturbated before. It was on that list I made last fall, but I never got around to it. Right now, it seemed so natural to finish pleasuring myself. I had to.
After I spilled into my hand, Thea handed me some tissues from the box on the nightstand, kissed me softly, and whispered, “That was completely normal, healthy, and sexy. Don’t give it another thought.” She kissed me one more time, smiling against my lips. “Goodnight, Levi.”