Chapter 16 #3
“Well, I’m not really sure yet. But I know they are doing a big grand re-opening of the Heart and Sole Community Center, and it sounds like they are planning on offering a lot of different recreational classes.
I figured that would be a good place to start.
Maybe I could try painting, or dancing, or soccer, or…
who knows, there are a lot of options. I didn’t really get to explore any of that when I was younger. ”
I hadn’t either. It was something I had in common with my kids, not being able to be, well, kids. I smiled and kissed the top of his head. “That’s a fantastic idea. Whatever you decide, you have my full support.”
“Mine, too,” Jasper added.
“Thank you, both. That really means a lot to me.” I pulled Eduardo into another hug, looping an arm around Jasper to draw him in with us.
He was a big part of this moment. I was overwhelmed with joy at seeing how his entering our lives was making a difference not just for me but for my kids, too.
I couldn’t have been more proud of both of them.
“I took up enough of your time, you’d better get out there before it’s too late.” Eduardo cleared his throat and straightened.
“You didn’t take up our time, kiddo, it’s never an interruption to talk with you. I’m really glad you shared that with me, and I look forward to hearing more about the classes at Heart and Sole.”
“Thank you.” Eduardo smiled before giving us a shooing motion. “Now, git. The window’s closing.”I gave him one last squeeze on his arm before nodding and indicating for Jasper to get in the ATV. With a wave, we took off, following the dirt path that would take us to the apiary.
“He’s a good kid,” Jasper said.
My mouth formed into a proud smile. “He is.”
“All the kids are. You’ve done a really great job with them.”
I could feel him watching me while I drove. “All I did was give them a safe space to allow them room to grow.”
“That’s really understating it, but even then, it’s enough. I always felt like a dandelion trying to break through the crack of a sidewalk, trying to find whatever nourishment I could in a cold world. What might have happened if I’d been allowed to grow free? Free, and wild, and unhindered?”
Reaching over, I grabbed his hand. I’d spent a lot of time with thoughts like that. “We can’t know the what-if, but you managed anyway. You found your own strength, and you pushed through that crack against all odds. You did that, Jasper.”
Jasper squeezed my hand and let out a soft sigh. For the remainder of the ride, he stayed quiet, never letting go of my hand. When I parked about a hundred yards away from the hives, he sat up.
“Are we there?” He asked, looking around.
“We’re as close as I like to get so I don’t disturb them with the noise of the ATV.” I turned off the ignition and got out of the cart, walking around to Jasper’s side. When he stepped out, I pulled the hood of his suit on, and zipped him in.
Holding the front of his suit, I looked at Jasper through the mesh veil, and spoke softly.
“It’s going to be unnerving at first. The buzzing can be quite intense, and it’s only natural for it to trigger flight instincts.
I promise you will be safe, so I’m going to ask you to trust me, and ignore your instincts.
The most important part is staying calm.
Bees are very sensitive to the pheromones we release when we’re afraid, and the last thing we want is to trigger an angry swarm.
You’re sealed in, so they might be able to land on you, but they won’t be able to get inside your suit.
Slow breaths. No jerky movements. Understood? ”
“I understand. But, Daddy, why are we here before the bees leave?”
“Therapy.”
Jasper’s brows arched as I grabbed my veil and put it on. The hat nestled onto my head and the mesh draped over my shoulders, covering my neck, and I tucked it into my collar, buttoning the top button to secure it in place. With gloved hands, I held his in mine, and walked him to my favorite spot.
The sound grew louder and I felt him pause at my side. Jasper inhaled and exhaled slowly, allowing me to guide him closer. I sat down on the grass and patted the spot beside me.
Jasper whispered as if he would disturb the bees if he were any louder. “What are we doing?”
“Whenever my head gets too loud, I come here. I used to do this a lot when I was younger. Close your eyes and focus on breathing. I’m right here with you, Jasper. You are safe.”
The buzzing droned in my ears, a sound that brought me peace where it should bring panic.
It forced me to stay calm no matter how turbulent my thoughts.
Jasper clutched my hand as tightly as he could through the layers of material, but I could sense him breathe low and slow.
The bees grew more active, as they prepared to leave the hive for their day’s work.
Jasper whispered quietly. “What was your head loud about as a kid?”
Speaking in a hushed tone to help him stay calm, I said, “The usual.”
“Parents?” He asked.
“Yeah.” It had been a while since I talked about them. I’d worked so hard not to let them take up space in my head, but I owed it to Jasper. “They cared more about partying than parenting.”
“How so?”
“Drugs, alcohol. Anything they could get their hands on, and they weren’t above trading favors for it, too.
Luckily, I was never on their radar enough to barter with, they barely seemed to know I existed half the time.
Honestly, it was better when they forgot about me, because the attention that came when the high wore off was worse.
They would get angry and mean, like it was my fault they had to face reality. ”
“Oh, Gio,” Jasper whispered as he scooted closer to me, his suit crinkling with the movement.
“It is what it is. I can’t change it. But I found a way out.
I saw an ad for farmhands, and while I was too young to get an above-the-table job, I was eager for anything to get me out of that house.
I thought if I could start saving money, maybe I could figure out how to live on my own. What I didn’t expect was Papa Tom.”
“Tell me about him.”
“He must have seen something in me. Tom took me under his wing. He was patient, and gentle, nothing like I’d seen at home.
He spent endless hours showing me every aspect of the farm, and I hung on every word, craving the stability and calm he offered.
I was vulnerable and anyone could have taken advantage of that, but he wasn’t that kind of a person.
The farm became a safe haven, and I spent more time here than I did at home.
I would come out here and sit, letting the drone of the bees cover the noise in my head.
“Eventually, the anger subsided, and I learned to trust that Tom wasn’t going to turn on me when the high wore off.
He was constant. Calm. Unconditionally kind.
Coming here changed my life. Feeling seen by someone was powerful.
Feeling seen by someone who genuinely seemed to care for the first time in my life, well, I practically idolized Tom. ”
“If he was anything like you, I can imagine why.”
I tilted my veiled head and leaned it against his.
“I wanted to be a McNeely so badly. The legal process would have been too difficult and too ugly, but Tom told me I was his no matter if I had paperwork that said so or not. He became my papa. Not a mom or a dad, which I had, and whose titles were tainted for me. My relationship with Tom was so much bigger and better than any other familial ones I had. For the first time, I had this parental figure who didn’t seem bothered by my existence but instead found joy in it.
I didn’t see it when I was younger, I thought it was all one-sided.
But now, as a papa myself, I realize he probably needed me as much as I needed him. ”
Jasper whispered, “He absolutely did. I have no doubt you made a difference in his life. He wouldn’t have left you the farm and his namesake if you didn’t. And now, you’ve done that for your kids.”
“You have, too, Jasper. Already, I’ve seen positive changes. You play an important role in this family and that’s not going to change no matter what happens with yours.”
He nodded and sat quietly for a moment. “As much as I’d like to just handle everything with the bank, I think I owe them a conversation. I don’t want the fallout of them hearing about my being married from their friends at the bank. It needs to come from me.”
I patted his leg. “Whatever you decide, you don’t have to do it alone. I’m with you, beautiful. All the way.”
Jasper gave me a soft smile, and leaned over to press a kiss to my cheek, though it was blocked by the two layers of mesh between us. “Thank you.”
“Of course. You’re my husband. That means we’re in this together.”
Our conversation stopped as the bees started leaving the hive, swarming and flying over us.
I wrapped an arm around Jasper to help him stay calm and remind him of my promise to keep him safe.
The buzz was so loud, it could have been a small airplane soaring over us.
It always amazed me the power they had when multiplied by thousands.
We could do nothing but sit and watch as they swarmed.
It was an incredible thing to experience.
Jasper held his breath beside me until the bees had passed by.
After they flew toward the farm’s flower fields, I stood up and helped Jasper to his feet. He stared up at me, with a look of wonder, looking unbelievably cute in the beekeeping suit. “This was actually really nice. It’s hard to think about anything else when you’re surrounded by lethal insects.”
“See? I thought you’d like it,” I said with a smirk.
“You have a twisted side, don’t you, Daddy?” Jasper teased.
I shrugged. “It’s this or Rage Against the Machine.”
He barked out a laugh. “Who knew you were so punk rock under that calm exterior?”
“I went through a bit of an emo stage.”
“Fuck, what I wouldn’t give to see that. I am totally putting eyeliner on you some time. I can just imagine how hot it’ll look with your glasses. Mmhmm.”
Jasper’s eyes twinkled and I had to laugh. Only he could manage to be this flirty and sexy while wearing a puffy, white bee suit. I nudged his shoulder with mine. “Come on, let’s go meet the queen.”